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Cereal Killer982 words
Week One: Twilight Sparkle970 words
Fluttershy818 words
Rarity935 words
Rainbow Dash1,049 words
Pinkie Pie845 words
Derpy1,377 words
Merry Fucking Christmas755 words
Applejack1,064 words

Merry Fucking Christmas

Elijah’s experience with the train was less than ideal. Fortunately for him, after getting plowed rather painfully at extremely high speeds, he landed on a nice soft stack of pillows.

“Well, that was rather conv-” The velocity of his had to go somewhere, of course, and the force from his impromptu flight shook the trees above his, depositing a beehive upon the poor child’s noggin.

“NOT THE BEES!” After much screaming and clawing, Elijah landed himself safely in a thorn bush. The pain he was going through was intense, but if he just toughed it out he would be rewarded with more pain.

“Wait, now that I think about it...” Elijah picked a bee from his nose and flicked it out into the air. “That sounds like a terrible deal!”

The fart stench of Elijah’s least-favorite devil companion loomed towards him. “Ah, but don’t forget about Superhell!”

Elijah rolled his eyes. “Dammit, don’t remind me.”

The devil handed Elijah a smallish umbrella. “Here, take this.”

“Why would I-” Three feet of snow fell from the sky, smashing Elijah thoroughly into the frozen bush.

“Yes, it’s Hearth’s Warming eve, and you gotta be Santa for all these ponies!” The devil dumped a sack onto the poor boy. “Twilight gets a book, Applejack gets an apple, Rainbow Dash gets some rainbow watercolors, Fluttershy gets some chicken feed, Pinkie Pie gets a single balloon, Rarity gets a needle with no thread, and Spike doesn't get anything because he’s been a naughty boy.”

Elijah gave the devil a look of disdain. “Those all sound like really shitty gifts.”

“Hey, we didn't get funding this year, so we had to pull the gifts out from the Lost and Found box.”

Elijah shrugged, and headed on down to Twilight’s library. Winding his arm back, he chucked the book through the upper window. It smashed through the glass, hitting Spike on the back of the head. In addition to impairing glass into his head, it also knocked him flat on his face. Good thing he was holding a hot cocoa cup that was filled to the brim with the boiling liquid. It broke his fall, somewhat. The 3rd degree burns were a slightly unpleasant side-effect.

Elijah headed over to the Carousel Boutique and carelessly tossed the needle inside. Rarity walked in, tired from a day’s work. “Finally, I can get some rest!” The white unicorn did her dramatic little faint directed onto the couch, just where the needle happened to be pointing out at a 45 degree angle. They say that the screams were heard all the way in Canterlot.

Over at Sugarcube Corner, Elijah had run into some trouble. How was he supposed to give the balloon to Pinkie Pie? Deciding it would be best to tie it to something, he grabbed the closest thing to him and tied the balloon to it.

Poor little Pound Cake was carried away on the winter winds that day by the balloon. When he returned weeks later, he was donned in full armor and held the head of the Nemean Lion under his left front leg.

Our blonde protagonist, meanwhile, continued on not giving two fucks. He showed up at the apple family barn, where Applejack and Rainbow Dash were currently having a staring contest over who would get to eat the last slice of pie. Elijah threw the apple at the orange mare, and kindly set the watercolors in front of Rainbow Dash.

Both of the mares, of course, were freaked the fuck out by the floating watercolors. Well, Rainbow Dash was, rather, because Applejack was suffering a minor concussion from the apple.

Elijah was on the last leg of his epic Christmas adventure. As he went on to Fluttershy’s house, he wondered how long it would take until all the senseless violence that had happened so far would stop being funny.

“Probably never,” he mused right before he was attacked by rabid chickens who tore through his lower abdomen in a fruitless effort to get the to the chicken seed.

His demon pal showed up again. “Well, that looks like everything!”

“But wait, I didn't get Fluttershy her-” The devil stuffed an old newspaper into Elijah’s mouth to quiet the child.

“Shh... no tears. Only dreams. Oh, and you’re going to have to do Applejack next, you draft dodger.” Elijah’s eyes sparkled their perverted sparkle. “And not in that way, you sick fuck.”

Merry fucking Christmas.

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