Your Guardian Angel

by Regidar

Cereal Killer

Elijah awoke one fine morning, and went off to make himself a bowl of cereal. He started school up again in a week, so he intended to make the best of the remaining days of summer: By sitting in front of his computer and playing video games.

“I mean really, what else would I be doing?” he told no one in particular as he removed a bowl from the kitchen cabinet. Rustling around, he saw that his food supplies were running low.

“Hey, maybe there’s something under the sink, I might have put some stuff there without realizing it.” As you may be able to tell, Elijah’s hunger was clouding his judgment on where to find food, seeing as he hadn’t even checked the refrigerator yet.

Looking under the sink, he pulled up a box, and read the label aloud. “‘Rat Poison’. Huh, funny name for a cereal.” The hungry teenager poured the green pellets into his bowl. “I really need to go shopping sometime soon. This looks like gerbil food.”

Pouring the milk into the bowl, he left the kitchen and sat down at the table, spooning the “cereal” into his mouth. Chewing it, the pellets crunched unpleasantly. It also didn't taste quite that fresh. However, this boy was hungry, so he continued to eat.

“Man, this cereal is weird. It’s even staining the milk green.” Elijah finished eating the bowl, and then drank down the milk. Sitting at the table and staring ahead at the wall, something registered in his mind.

“Aw, fuck.” Elijah fell facefist into the bowl, and expired.

A bright light surrounded him, and he felt himself rising slowly off the ground, up into the clouds.

“Wow, I didn’t think I was going to make it to heaven!” Upon these words, he plummeted back to earth. A large hole opened up, and Elijah fell into a chasm of fire and brimstone.

“Of course.”

Screaming at the top of his lungs, the dead human flailed as he fell into a pit of sulphuric acid. Being a ghost, it didn’t harm his physical appearance, but it still hurt like a bitch.

“Ow ow ow ow!” Elijah pulled himself out of the pit and shook the acid off of him. In front of him was a fat devil behind a desk, eating a donut.

The devil was looking down at a magazine, but when he glanced up to see Elijah looking at him, he hastily put it away, swallowed the donut in his mouth, and began to speak.

“*Ahem* Here me mortal, or something like that, for you hath sinned, yatta yatta yatta, hell. Enjoy your eternal damnation.”

Elijah began to panic. “Wait! I don’t want to go to hell!”

The devil rolled his eyes. “Oh, well, since you don’t want to go, then I guess I’ll just let you back up to heaven.”

Elijah’s heart filled with hope. “Really? Wow, I didn’t think that would work! Well, ok then, how do I-”

The receptionist facepalmed. “Wow, you really are stupid. Wait, who am I kidding? You died because you mistook rat poison for cereal! Also, you used white paint instead of milk.”

“I thought that milk was a little thick...”

Elijah heard the devil sigh. “Look, I really don’t feel like dealing with you right now. So, I’ll offer you one of our ‘special tickets.’”

Elijah cocked an eyebrow. “‘Special tickets?’”

The devil nodded. “Yup. Here, come with me.” The fat otherworldly receptionist got up out of his chair with a bit of difficulty, and led the dead teenaged boy to a list of doors. They were marked, each indicating where they went. Elijah read them as they passed along each of them.

“‘You’re damned if you do’, ‘You’re damned if you don’t’, ‘Terrorists’, ‘Murderers’, ‘Rapists’, ‘People who were salmon colored socks.” Elijah looked down, and he was indeed wearing socks the color of that particular type of fish. He decided it would be best if he didn’t point that out to anybody.

Finally, the devil and Elijah reached a door that was labeled “Other Dimensions.”

“Well, here you are. You’re going to be a ‘Guardian Angel to nine individuals. Keep one of these individuals safe for a week, then move on to the next one. Once all nine weeks are up, you’ll get to be reincarnated as a flower or something.” The devil looked down at his papers. “Looks like you’re heading to... Equestria!”

Elijah laughed. “Woah... wait. Equestria? You mean, from ‘My Little Pony?’ That’s not a real place.”

It was the devil’s turn to laugh. “Sorry bud, looks like you’re wrong, although I guess you’re use to it, since you’re stupid and all that. Nah, most cartoon shows are actually other dimensions. Some, like ‘Family Guy’ don’t differ that much from your dimension, but others, like Equestria here, are a little further away from reality. Your reality, anyway. So now, here’s the list of ponies you’ll be protecting.”

Elijah was handed a list of paper. Reading over the names, he recognised all of the mane six, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, and Shining Armour.

“Wait, so I spend a week with each of them to make sure they don’t get hurt?”

“Or die,” the portly hell dweller confermered. Elijah swallowed hard.

“And if I fail?”

“Straight to Hell.”

Elijah scowled. “Lovely.”

The devil nodded, and opened the door. Inside, Elijah got a nice view of Ponyville. “Remember, they can’t see or hear you, so they won’t ever know you’re there. Good luck!” Elijah was shoved by the devil’s gnarled hands, and he fell face first into the grass. Brushing the dirt from his Nirvana shirt, Elijah glanced at the list.

“First up: Twilight Sparkle.”

Comments

[Joy Stick]

This won't end well.

[omega-ze-wargod]

i like where this is going .... eating ratpoison and paint? ..... how has the world population of stupid people not diminished yet?

[Ledingdongdiddle]

You magnificent dumbass you!!

[ZeldaTheSwordsman]

*Reads chapter title*

You are a terrible person.

[redskin122004]

I don't know about your definition of normal.....But a person who reads a box that says "Rat Poison" and think 'Huh, what a weird name for a cereal, oh well down the hatch.' That person is not normal.

[Sliverfish]

1297592 I do this all the time. I have paramedics and doctors by my side at all times. The trick to get perfect death cereal is to add half a cup of redback and rattlesnake poison and use cocaine for sugar. It tastes as good as it sounds.

[Derek Watterson]

Just finished first chapter... all I could think about after he said "Aww fuck" was GAME OVER YEAAAA!!!
In any event, I found this... strange... I will read the rest though.