This was a fun romp. Since you asked in your notes:

- At some points you switch from past-tense to present tense and back:

"Oh yes, Macintosh. This is what I needed, good proper fucking." she gasps out.

"Eeyup." he replies before beginning.

- Also when you end dialogue and continue with "she said" or whatever, you shouldn't use a period. Instead, a comma, question mark, ellipses, or exclamation mark.

10518824
Thanks, glad you liked it. I did some quick editing last night and I'll give the whole thing a reread later today to try and make sure I kept the tenses straight and clean up the dialogue punctuation a bit more.