The restroom was a single small room with a single toilet.
You doubled up on adjectives, add a comma after single.
"Though that might be a while."
Ehhh pretty optional on the comma but I'd add one after 'though'. Scans better with one.
To return to where it was warm, and cozy, and safe. Home. But he knew that could never be. It was unfair of him to wish that on his mother. He understood what a burden it had been, what a burden he had been.
At least the story ends on an upbeat note. I can't be too upset about that.
Harshwhinny smiled. "No fooling you, I see. It's a three-part special cocktail for the last two phases. Again, all certified with Celestial approval.
This place is running with government approval, isn't it? My lord! Hey Anonymous, thinking of heading through to portal to Equestria to grab your own pony bride? Think again! Not only is there a 100% chance Twilight Sparkle turns you into a filly and reams your asshole (1826212 Derpibooru), you may end up in Abu Hayb Prison getting rebirthed. It might not be worth it, fam.
It gave the mares the feeling of a slight tingle as it worked its way through their bodies.
Overly verbose. How about — "It gave the mares a slight tingle as it worked its way through their bodies."
Posy looked up at him with sultry, half-lidded eyes. "I have located the water jet."
Just be careful you don't use the intake or you can seriously lose your intestines.
Button Mash turned in place on the grass beside his mother. Her mouth never left his dick as he inched down to reach her marehood with his hoof. He pawed at it with amateur clumsiness.
Get gud gamer.
"I love you, too, Sun. Cum for Mommy?"
Son.
"Shhh, I love you Sun," Stellar cooed.
Son.
"Perhaps we could help?" Lotus said as she and Aloe walked over Sunburst and Zephyr respectively. They gently rubbed their bellies, lower and lower, until they were stroking their sheathes.
"We're on Moon Tea," Aloe said.
"So you can finish anywhere you like," Lotus added. "Anywhere."
Abu Hayb is growing on me a little bit.
"Well then... it looks like the imprinting conditioning worked," Harshwhinny said.
I'm an idiot for thinking that was going to work...
Their mothers now turned them on like no other mare possibly could.
That's a real Debbie-downer for the guy who has a wife, just sayin'. Edit: The mother with her husband is a bit of an issue too.
"Don't worry, sweetie," she cooed. "You just lay there this time and let Mommy take care of it." She looked down at him looking back up from under her. His eyes were open, full of love and lust for her, rather than him wincing in his sleep. "Oh my goodness! This is so much better than when you were sleeping!"
OOF!
"You like this co-op game with Mommy?" she asked.
Not as good as WoW in its prime but it'll do, Mom. It will do.
"How does Cadance normally do it?" Velvet asked, looking at her son sitting on the bed.
"I'm not even thinking about her," Shining said.
Velvet smiled and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "Good. But I am asking."
"She- she's normally on top," he said with a blush, as though ashamed of it.
Nothing wrong with letting the alicorn get on top.
Velvet pushed him onto his back with her hoof. She was still a lot bigger than him. She climbed on top and looked at him while she hovered her hips over his erection. "Like this?" she asked. He shook his head.
"No, she usually faces the other way."
So he can see her wings fanned out while they're going at it. Smart and tasteful!
"Does she not like looking at you?" Velvet asked.
"No, it's not that. It's so I can look at her wings," Shining said.
I was right! Yes, I do these readthroughs one line at a time.
"Do you... do you know where to put it?" she asked.
"I know where to put it!"
It's going in her ass, isn't it?
She tried to pretend that it was her husband. But Zephyr took her with such vigor and dominance that she never knew from her spouse.
I'm just going to move on to the next sex scene...
"Well you don't need to worry about finding another mare anymore.
Comma after well.
"I don't want to hear any more talk of you finding a step-father for me," he said as he switched to her other teat. "You're my mare now. And I'm all the stallion you'll ever need." She nodded as she wheezed, still trying to catch her breath.
Button is a chad!
"Well then just tell him that...
Comma after well.
They would be full grown stallions heading home in the morning, back to the way they were before. But they, and their relationships with their mothers, would be forever changed.
And that's it. I've reached the end.
Positives:
Descriptively, this is your finest hour, Shakes. My God, did you paint one hell of a picture, especially last chapter, as much as it frustrated me at times. You showed great imagination and care in designing the entire BCC program, especially with the mothers in mind and their comfort. The four mother mares themselves are all exquisitely well-written with easily distinguishable characteristics. Even if their paragraphs weren't tagged at all, I'd have little trouble connecting each one to its speaker. The male characters took somewhat of a backseat overall by intent but they each had their moments to shine as well — especially Zephyr Breeze.
I'll always hate the guy but not since reading Velvet Remedy in Fallout Equestria do I recall wanting to take an axe to a character more, but that's to the story's credit. He's supposed to be the heel. We're supposed to hate him. And I did.
The pacing in this story is as near to perfect as I can reckon. It never bogged down. It never left me in the dust. You've proven again to be one of FImfiction's finest on just the core storytelling mechanical level alone. And aside from a number of typos and other issues I've detailed within this story's pages, they were never serious enough to break immersion. Your stories are some of the easiest to scan in all the land and considering this is as much an editing assignment for me as a readthrough, it's fucking appreciated, believe me.
Negatives:
I'm not blowing smoke up your ass when I admit you're a better writer than am and to be fair, you already knew that. But in this and all the other stories I've read from you, there's a disconnect from the characters, their immediate environment and the implications of their actions on the world around them. Your stories take place on a stage of sorts, like a Shakespearian play. Seems appropriate given your moniker I suppose, but if there was one thing I wish you had more of was worldbuilding. I don't want to make this a blog entry about your work as a whole so I'll confine my thoughts to just this story.
The Bad Colts Camp; how does it exist outside of the law? You drop little hints here and there of how this won't all end in jail for the people running the place or the mothers who kidnapped their own children but what are the implications of all this? The entire story, I was left wondering how things would turn out in the real world because I didn't have a complete picture of how things function in this one.
Are stallions second-class citizens? Maybe. Is this mandatory "training" available to all mothers who want a magical pony ride on their son's cocks? What about mental illnesses? Do they even exist and can they disqualify a mare from kidnapping their offspring? What are the societal implications of such an institution existing in Equestria and the greater discussion about rights, liberties, and how casually they're being tossed aside? Does anyone in Equestria oppose this practice? You mentioned Celestia approved components of it but what about all of it? How does magic differ between this universe and that of the show and why is so much technology needed in the birthing process when unicorns can already do so much like teleport?
It's not like I'm throwing the telephone book at you — these are things that can be drip-fed to the reader in blurbs rather than require onerous blocks of scary text. Think of how DIbs on My Sister handled stuff like this and it managed the feat in a fraction of the word count.
It's true that a lot of your work is comedic in tone and that I'm a stiff who obsesses over such things. Your stories are enjoyable the way they are and this story is no exception. Despite the above negatives, this story is one I liked and still consider one of my favorites. I appreciate the time you took to write it and I hope my edits bring it one step closer to perfection.
The Bad Colts Camp; how does it exist outside of the law? You drop little hints here and there of how this won't all end in jail for the people running the place or the mothers who kidnapped their own children but what are the implications of all this? Are stallions second-class citizens? Is this mandatory "training" available to all mothers who want a magical pony ride on their son's cocks? What about mental illnesses? Do they even exist and can they disqualify a mare from kidnapping their offspring? What are the societal implications of such an institution existing in Equestria and the greater discussion about rights, liberties, and how casually they're being tossed aside? Does anyone in Equestria oppose this practice? You mentioned Celestia approved components of it but what about all of it? How does magic differ between this universe and that of the show and why is so much technology needed in the birthing process when unicorns can already do so much like teleport?
In short, yes,
[My] stories take place on a stage of sorts, like a Shakespearian play.
You're 100% right. This story exists in a narrative bubble. Any and all external implications are just assumed to work. It is, at its heart, a clopfic. Well-written, and detailed, yes, but narratively, a clopfic all the same. Oh sure, that might seem like a cop-out. An easy way to write off the requisite effort to make it more believable. But I could just as easily answer each of the above questions line by line. Hell, I could even work to edit the answers into the story.
But at the end of the day, how does that serve the story?
Pixar never explains why its toys can talk. But it isn't about the why. It's about the story that such an absurd scenario can tell. And so is the same here. This isn't a lead-in to some larger world story, so such explanation is just filler, to bog down pacing. So just suspend your belief. Embrace the fiction. And, to quote Rick Sanchez, "Don't think about it."
> Seeing the last half of this fic
i0.wp.com/media1.tenor.com/images/a71c94c3aa7ad66a5051f81f48d14dd2/tenor.gif?w=688&ssl=1
You doubled up on adjectives, add a comma after single.
Ehhh pretty optional on the comma but I'd add one after 'though'. Scans better with one.
At least the story ends on an upbeat note. I can't be too upset about that.
This place is running with government approval, isn't it? My lord! Hey Anonymous, thinking of heading through to portal to Equestria to grab your own pony bride? Think again! Not only is there a 100% chance Twilight Sparkle turns you into a filly and reams your asshole (1826212 Derpibooru), you may end up in Abu Hayb Prison getting rebirthed. It might not be worth it, fam.
Overly verbose. How about — "It gave the mares a slight tingle as it worked its way through their bodies."
Just be careful you don't use the intake or you can seriously lose your intestines.
Get gud gamer.
Son.
Son.
Abu Hayb is growing on me a little bit.
I'm an idiot for thinking that was going to work...
That's a real Debbie-downer for the guy who has a wife, just sayin'. Edit: The mother with her husband is a bit of an issue too.
OOF!
Not as good as WoW in its prime but it'll do, Mom. It will do.
Nothing wrong with letting the alicorn get on top.
So he can see her wings fanned out while they're going at it. Smart and tasteful!
I was right! Yes, I do these readthroughs one line at a time.
It's going in her ass, isn't it?
I'm just going to move on to the next sex scene...
Comma after well.
Button is a chad!
Comma after well.
And that's it. I've reached the end.
Positives:
Descriptively, this is your finest hour, Shakes. My God, did you paint one hell of a picture, especially last chapter, as much as it frustrated me at times. You showed great imagination and care in designing the entire BCC program, especially with the mothers in mind and their comfort. The four mother mares themselves are all exquisitely well-written with easily distinguishable characteristics. Even if their paragraphs weren't tagged at all, I'd have little trouble connecting each one to its speaker. The male characters took somewhat of a backseat overall by intent but they each had their moments to shine as well — especially Zephyr Breeze.
I'll always hate the guy but not since reading Velvet Remedy in Fallout Equestria do I recall wanting to take an axe to a character more, but that's to the story's credit. He's supposed to be the heel. We're supposed to hate him. And I did.
The pacing in this story is as near to perfect as I can reckon. It never bogged down. It never left me in the dust. You've proven again to be one of FImfiction's finest on just the core storytelling mechanical level alone. And aside from a number of typos and other issues I've detailed within this story's pages, they were never serious enough to break immersion. Your stories are some of the easiest to scan in all the land and considering this is as much an editing assignment for me as a readthrough, it's fucking appreciated, believe me.
Negatives:
I'm not blowing smoke up your ass when I admit you're a better writer than am and to be fair, you already knew that. But in this and all the other stories I've read from you, there's a disconnect from the characters, their immediate environment and the implications of their actions on the world around them. Your stories take place on a stage of sorts, like a Shakespearian play. Seems appropriate given your moniker I suppose, but if there was one thing I wish you had more of was worldbuilding. I don't want to make this a blog entry about your work as a whole so I'll confine my thoughts to just this story.
The Bad Colts Camp; how does it exist outside of the law? You drop little hints here and there of how this won't all end in jail for the people running the place or the mothers who kidnapped their own children but what are the implications of all this? The entire story, I was left wondering how things would turn out in the real world because I didn't have a complete picture of how things function in this one.
Are stallions second-class citizens? Maybe. Is this mandatory "training" available to all mothers who want a magical pony ride on their son's cocks? What about mental illnesses? Do they even exist and can they disqualify a mare from kidnapping their offspring? What are the societal implications of such an institution existing in Equestria and the greater discussion about rights, liberties, and how casually they're being tossed aside? Does anyone in Equestria oppose this practice? You mentioned Celestia approved components of it but what about all of it? How does magic differ between this universe and that of the show and why is so much technology needed in the birthing process when unicorns can already do so much like teleport?
It's not like I'm throwing the telephone book at you — these are things that can be drip-fed to the reader in blurbs rather than require onerous blocks of scary text. Think of how DIbs on My Sister handled stuff like this and it managed the feat in a fraction of the word count.
It's true that a lot of your work is comedic in tone and that I'm a stiff who obsesses over such things. Your stories are enjoyable the way they are and this story is no exception. Despite the above negatives, this story is one I liked and still consider one of my favorites. I appreciate the time you took to write it and I hope my edits bring it one step closer to perfection.
10898192
Edits made.
In short, yes,
You're 100% right. This story exists in a narrative bubble. Any and all external implications are just assumed to work. It is, at its heart, a clopfic. Well-written, and detailed, yes, but narratively, a clopfic all the same. Oh sure, that might seem like a cop-out. An easy way to write off the requisite effort to make it more believable. But I could just as easily answer each of the above questions line by line. Hell, I could even work to edit the answers into the story.
But at the end of the day, how does that serve the story?
Pixar never explains why its toys can talk. But it isn't about the why. It's about the story that such an absurd scenario can tell. And so is the same here.
This isn't a lead-in to some larger world story, so such explanation is just filler, to bog down pacing.
So just suspend your belief. Embrace the fiction.
And, to quote Rick Sanchez, "Don't think about it."
10898216
media3.giphy.com/media/lo5QThFuSk9odmW4eF/giphy.gif
Do you think the overall tone would still qualify it for a [DARK] tag though?