The First Priority
Two months after Equestria was thrust into chaos, the lands have since regained peace. A new ruler is making major changes to have friendship grow stronger to near invulnerability, preventing any possible crisis situations in the land she’s now taking over. For the next month, she will have meetings with the other rulers to make the changes happen, even with the exceptions she’ll have to deal with.
In Canterlot, there’s a statue just right in front of the entrance, of the three criminals who almost took over Equestria. A Centaur who sucks out magic from other creatures, a filly with a bad, narcissistic attitude, but then there’s the last villain. During her reign over her species, she brought up an army to not only ruin a beautiful and memorable wedding, but also take over Equestria, but had failed twice. Her second plan, involving kidnapping the highest forms of authority in Equestria, failed, thanks to the, now principal of the School Of Friendship when she changed her empire for the better, forever.
After they failed by working together, they were turned into stone, never to cause havoc ever again. However when it comes to the future for the current ruler of the Changelings, he still had mixed feelings towards the queen he once took orders from.
“You want all the creatures from their lands to make more friends?” The ruler of the Changelings replied from Equestria’s ruler.
“Yes Thorax.” Twilight replied from the other side of the dinner table. “I know you’re the only ruler I’ve talked to about this, but ever since Tirek, Cozy Glow and Queen Chrysalis were turned into stone, I’ve got a feeling that Equestria isn’t the same as what it once was. Mainly the Storm King’s army causing the inhabitants of Seaquestria to hide in their underwater kingdom.”
Thorax never had the idea to have his kind come to places like Ponyville and Canterlot. Even if he was okay with Ocellus as a student, he didn’t think how much his kingdom would feel about this.
“I’m not saying this is a bad idea, I just don’t think the other rulers will approve of this.” Thorax being a bit concerned.
“Well here’s the thing Thorax. I’ve been to almost all the lands and the more I think about it, they can’t handle the dangers outside of their kingdoms. If Equestria has no more dangerous creatures, it will be more harmful than before.”
“More harmful...than before?” Thorax responded. “Like before Chrysalis had been turned into stone?”
“Yes, when you ran away during Canterlot’s wedding.”
This gave Thorax an idea he’s going to do before he leaves. “I guess that does make sense. I’ve talked to one of the rulers and they’re not afraid to send their own kind outside of their kingdom.”
“That’s right, I suggest you should talk to your kind to see if they feel the same way.”
After the meeting, as well as a delicious dinner, Thorax leaves the castle of Canterlot until he heads to the entrance. Before he heads back to his kingdom, he sees the statue of Equestria’s most dangerous criminals, but most specifically Queen Chrysalis.
He remembered how dreadful it was when she was in control of the Changeling Empire after he left on his own. When she, along with Tirek and Cozy Glow caused disasters on a massive scale, he and other creatures took justice the hard way. But after all of that, even when she left on her own, he still had something he knew his former ruler did have, but just refused to accept it. The only element she kept in constant denial due to her massive hatred to the ones she can’t stand.
The ruler didn’t say a word, other than keeping a straight face. With the amount of time he had when he became the next ruler, he gained more experiences to make his kingdom, a much better place to live.
By the time he got back to the Changeling Empire, the moon had risen in the sky, with most of his kind asleep. As he arrives inside his hive, he’s too depressed to even sleep. The idea he still has, gets to the point there’s more than seeing evil when he takes further steps.
As he’s finding his bedroom, he came across Ocellus. “Thorax?” She called upon seeing her ruler. “How was the meeting you had with Twilight?”
“It was good, but then again almost all of my meetings with her are good.” Thorax smiled despite his depression.
“What seems to be the issue?”
Thorax lowered his ears, trying to be nice to give one of his kind an answer. “It’s Chrysalis.”
“Is she coming back!?” Ocellus reacted in place until Thorax calms her down.
“No she’s not...it’s just there’s something she never could fully accept and that’s...friendship.”
Ocellus can understand Equestria’s enemies never accepted friendship, but her former ruler out of the three, feels off.
“Don’t you think it’s wrong when you think about that?”
“Mostly. I didn’t tell Twilight about it because I know she won’t approve of it. But I know there’s a way we can work this out.”
“Like...having her see what we do?”
All that Thorax did was nod as he headed to where he sleeps. “I’m going to bed now, I need more time before I do any of this, for the sake of Equestria.”
The ruler of the Changeling Kingdom left Ocellus alone with the moonlight on her. Ocellus is afraid of the next possibility if the crisis from the past returns again. She wants to stay out of it but at the same time there’s no turning back for the Changeling Empire.
“This is not going to go well.” She said to herself.
The following day, Thorax’s first priority was to head to the Crystal Empire, in order to talk to the ruler, Princess Cadance. The two walked down the crystal hall with guards standing at attention, every step of the way. After Thorax told about his future plans with Chrysalis upon entering the castle, Cadance didn’t like it.
“Thorax, not trying to be negative, but Chrysalis is very unstable the more I see her after me and Shining Armor stopped her at our wedding.” Cadance being serious. “When she attempted to take over Equestria for a second time, it was even worse when we were trapped in her kingdom.”
“Yes I understand but at the same time, she didn’t see what friendship can do for her.” Thorax replied.
“Did you see the way she rejected Starlight’s offer? While running away? Those are signs where she’ll never change, at all.”
Thorax did remember once he along with other changelings reformed. The way Chrysalis flew off with no regrets is also another sign he fears it may backfire. “Okay I can give you that.”
“And do I have to mention she made an alliance with Tirek and Cozy Glow?”
“No, that news was everywhere a few months ago.”
“Then what do you see in her that me and others don’t?”
This caused Thorax to stop walking which took the ruler by surprise. Thorax lowered his head while also closing his eyes. “She’s my former queen, even after I went behind her back.” The Changeling ruler sighed to himself. Cadance had no words to describe Thorax’s plan. “I know it’s hard to believe, but after we stopped her, I’ve kept thinking more and more about what would happen if she actually changes herself.”
The princess of the Crystal Empire never thought about Thorax’s statement, but she knew full well about his life before becoming the ruler of the Changeling Empire. “Well...if you even think of helping her somehow, I suggest you should get some help, but not your kind.”
“I know what you mean, I’ll make sure they’re far away from Chrysalis.”
“Good, and since I was mostly involved with her plans, I should also help her.”
“Thanks.”
After getting some advice from Princess Cadance, Thorax left the Crystal Empire to head to his next destination.
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Months ago, three savage criminals]had been turned into stone after they used their powers to take over the lands. Past tense.
he will never forget the times he was enslaved to her from the power she held.
Not a sentence.
Thorax wants (present tense) to set things right, (punctuation is your friend) but on the other hand it's going to (when writing narration, you NEVER use slang) take a lot of time and help to teach his former queen a lesson she'll understand for the rest of her life. (Not good English).
Is English your first language? I'm honestly not sure. The cover art is also far too cluttered. What are we meant to be looking at? What is the focus?
10170374
I really missed a lot of basic errors didn’t I? I try my hardest and I’m trying to get better, but it’s quite hard. I only have basic editing knowledge. Don’t blame him for things I missed.
10170548
Oh. I didn't realise.
10170562
Easy mistake to make. I have the day off work tomorrow, so I’m going to go through the entire story and look for errors and grammar mistakes that I may have missed. The last few days at work have been taking a lot out of me, so often when I’m doing these, my mind wanders and I lose focus on finding errors. I’m going to PM LF48 with an updated link, hopefully with more corrections and better grammar. Also, props to you for pointing out stuff that I missed. Not trying to be sarcastic in the last line.
10170571
I know.
10170374
10170548
You two do realize you looked at the description and you never talked about the first chapter of the story. I did what I could to make the story interesting as possible and EM2, your acting like this is your first story you read from me which is not true. And will you please leave out the cover art complaint, I made a blog about that and it made me miserable, it didn’t teach me better.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/894610/cover-arts-from-all-of-my-stories-have-been-removed
10170653
Wow. Somebody pissed in your milk this morning.
10170708
Do you ever take anything seriously?
10170758
I'm trying to help you. But seeing as your stories are clearly impervious to criticism, I won't bother. Good day.
10170786
Look sorry for being rude it’s just that the description and cover art aren’t my top priorities. But can you please be so judgmental at the last minute? I’m not saying this to be rude, you just never catch me a break. This happened to me before and it’s not going to help me again.
10170798
The description and art are the hook that draws people in. If the description has awkward grammar and the cover art looks messy and cluttered, that's going to turn people off from reading it.
10170844
I can understand the description but with the Cover Art is too insignificant. I make these Cover Arts for fun and it wasn’t meant to draw people away. If you did read the blog I sent you, you’ll see how much it aggravates me. Even if it’s cluttered with multiple characters, this isn’t my way of writing books in a book factory.
Descriptions is something I try to improve and I proofread it but whenever there’s something I didn’t notice already, it just becomes frustrating when someone has to bring it up before they read the story itself.
10170894
Righy then.
Well, the first chapter is nice. Just a few things here and there, but it's nice (yeah, I know you have an editor, but everyone can make mistakes, although it's nothing bad). As for the cover art, it looks good, not gonna lie.
The only main issue I have about that cover is it shows both the evil Chrysalis and the reformed Chrysalis. I suppose the title gives a hint so people know something will probably happen in the story. However, if the reformed Chrysalis is in the cover (unless she appears as part of another character's thoughts about that villain), readers can know what happens BEFORE they read the story.
Basically, it's some kind of spoiler.
Again, the story and the cover are both good. It's just that.
10171150
Well the thing is this wasn’t meant to be a chapter story. The fanfic itself has 6,600 words so I didn’t wanted to be a one shot. So yeah, I guess the spoiler being the issue of the cover art, I’ll take it.
Didn't realize the he was talking about the description, not the chapter itself. Still, i'll go through the story again and look for more errors i may have missed when I went through it the first time.