The Mirror

by SoloBrony

Poison

I'd had the time to quit my crying before I got home. By the time I stepped in, I was so numb I barely registered anything.

I trotted around the house in a fog a few times before I remembered I was looking for the caretaker, and hunted him down in the dining room. I just stared at him from the door.

"Ah, hello, Cozy. I was about to put dinner up."

"You freed me from the statue, right?"

I almost registered a breathless amusement that both of us were equally deadpan, but I clamped down on it. I knew that with a laugh would come a lot worse.

"That is correct."

"So you're some kind of stone magic expert?"

He adjusted his glasses slowly and raised an eyebrow. I just stared.

"I am an expert in petrification and de-petrification sp—"

"Put me back in."

He recoiled from that.

"What? Cozy, why would you want to be a statue again?"

"Because there's nothing for me in this stupid world anyway. You might as well shatter it afterwards; I don't care. Just do it. You said you'd support what I wanted, right? So do it."

He stood up, and I saw definite concern on his brow.

So? He just feels some freaky sense of responsibility for me. He isn't even capable of caring about me as a person.

"Cozy, I said I would take care of you. You're asking to die, I can't do that."

I grimaced at him. "I could always go find some other way. This way, at least you or somepony else can wake me up if there's anything worth living for, someday. But this place? This world? This so-called 'Equestria'? It's not worth the time of day – hah, it isn't worth it and it doesn't even have it, there is no time of day here! This place is broken! This isn't a future, it's a dead-end, a failure, it's an ending, the worst ending, like you picked the wrong path in an adventure novel! I'm done, okay? Just..."

I sighed and tried to control my breathing so I wouldn't break down again.

"Just let me stop. Please. I just want to stop being. I'm so tired of trying to constantly run forward, and doing nothing but falling, over and over."

The caretaker walked over to me, his expression grim, and curled up next to me. It was the closest he'd ever gotten to physical affection, but at the moment it just made me feel angry and bitter.

"But, Cozy, you've been doing so much better for yourself. What about the queen?"

"She flipped out at me. Threatened me with her scepter and all. She backed down, but I can see I was right from the beginning that she just needed somepony to fill a space next to her. And I realized, what am I even doing? Living so I can hold on to one little pseudo-friendship with a pony almost as messed up as me? So we can live out dreary lives in this nothing-land together? No, nope, I'm done. I'm finished with this. I can see where I'll be in ten years, twenty years, and you know what? It's right here, doing the same nothing and being the same nothing in this nothing-world and nothing-kingdom, constantly waiting for a something that will never, ever happen. Let's just call it here, huh? We made a good effort. Good on you for trying. But... no."

"You could make something for yourself here, if you just try—"

"I can't sit still like that!"

I barked it out at him, snapping all at once, and I felt the torrent of emotion washing over me. My numb had broken and now every inch of me pulsated with the pain that radiated from my heart. I staggered back and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to keep steady. He just looked at me in confusion, and I yelled in frustration.

"You don't get it, do you?! I'm trying, I'm really trying, but there's all this poison, this hateful poison always leaking in from the edges of my thoughts, all of the time, so all I can ever do is look straight forward and keep running. That's why I keep abandoning my past, wherever I go, letting go of whatever I build up or whatever goes wrong so easily; the truth is that I feel like if I ever look back, I'll get devoured by all of this pain I've built up. It's gotten to the point I don't even care if I set fire to every bridge I cross, because I keep thinking, maybe, the latest fiasco will just push the others farther back, where I don't think about them anymore."

"But no! That's not how it ever happens! Every new fuck-up just bleeds into every other thing I've ever done wrong, so I end up remembering all of them more vividly; every new mistake and disaster just joins the ranks of the army chasing me. I don't ever want to think about my past! I just want a future! I don't even care about how bad things have been so far, if I could just have one thing, some time real hope to hold onto, I can keep running towards it. But the fact is, I hate my past, I hate my present, I hate everything around me, and most of all I hate me. If I can't run towards something and forget all of that, I feel like I should just lie down and give up on it all and die."

I was crying too hard to continue at that point, and I'd scooted myself back against a wall, but I kicked out at the caretaker when he got closer. He kept his distance and watched with concern while I desperately tried to clench my teeth and get it together. Once my breathing was a little more stable, I continued.

"It's anger, y'know? Anger's distracting, it's empowering, it keeps me focused. It keeps me just barreling forward, through obstructions, not pausing to think, think if it's a good idea or if it's possible or practical or sane. I just keep fighting through, solving problems, surmounting obstacles so I can charge towards my quarry as fast as possible so I can get them. And if I don't have a clear target I just make one so I can keep running as hard as possible, keep the rush going so I can never stop, never catch my breath, never be vulnerable."

"When remembering anything you ever loved just fills you with anguish and regret and loss, then you just focus on what you hate – or you just think about something you dislike until you start to hate it – and that's the endless source of anger you need to keep pushing everything else out of the way, where it can't hurt you. Ponies might say it's unhealthy, but what do they know?! It's healthier than giving up! And that's the situation you're in, the choice you're forced to make, and you realize it, and you hate that, too! You curse the world for putting you in that situation, and you hate it even more, and maybe that hate starts to become genuine..."

I trailed off, breathing heavily. The rant had come spontaneously, as I started digging into my own feelings, and I hated every bit of it – how utterly stupid and immature and broken it all sounded. I sighed and put my head in my hooves.

"Whenever I'm not angry, I'm just numb. You want to know how I could be so numb about putting my friends in danger, ignore whatever feelings I had for them? Do you understand how stupid that is? I can't let them into my heart, there's a blizzard out there, and if I open the door it'll snuff out the only tiny fire of hatred that keeps me alive. Other ponies don't get it; accepting their love and friendship means facing all of that horror and pain. Waking up long enough to say 'hello' means realizing my entire body is on fire; racing after them just gets my pulse up just enough to remind me my heart is broken!"

I slammed my head into my hooves, and I was going to do it again when he held me back. I could see the fear and horror on his face, and on some level I felt better knowing somepony even cared enough to feel that. He pulled me to him, as much to hold me still as anything, and I blinked some blood out of my eye. I struggled with him a bit, but he held me fast.

"Cozy... I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I'd never have let you face so much alone if I did."

I shuddered. "I don't care about that. What could you have done?! What can anypony do anymore...? It's all ruined. Even if the world was fine, I'm broken. I just wanted something to distract me from that, and now there's nothing, and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

I shrieked and held onto him as I felt another wave of anguish come over me. We stayed like that a long time, as every time one pain numbed over, my mind found another to stab at me with.

Having somepony listen and care was the most agonizing experience of my life.

Author's Note:

What's the cure for hating everything?

Comments

[vito]

Damn, poor Cozy, poor queen and the whole timeline. Somehow it reminds me of an episode "Speed Demon" from PPG.
img.fireden.net/co/image/1489/21/1489212176831.gif
i.ytimg.com/vi/SrObWOgsGhc/maxresdefault.jpg

[GamePlayer64]

10025161
I think it’s similar. I think friendship destroyed Equestria. It would make an awesome twist.

[howard035]

I can't be the only one who suspects that this is Some kind of elaborate dream that Luna or Discord has put into Cozy's mind while she's in statue form, right?

[Nyronus]

... sigh. Look, I'm just gonna be honest and straight up say this reads like stuff that goes through my head more often than I care to admit. Almost every sub-point calls back to something I've thought or felt in the last few months. I'm not upset or triggered, having it all laid out in plain text is much less troubling than letting the implication hang. Nothing much for it, but here we are.

I am interested to see where this is going, though. We've hit a turning point, I think. So, let us see what path we've landed on.

10025375

I've considered this, especially since such magic is explicitly existent in Equestria (see: Sombra), but... I don't know, I worry it would cheapen this for it to be true. There is something to be said for all of our experience of existence being a simulation of reality, so what's a hypothetical one to the actual one... but, there's a inherent gut feeling that the real is the real, and I worry the debate over that would take energy away from the main point the story is driving for.

On the other hand Solo has sold me on dumber concepts, so.

Either way, I am curious for more.

[howard035]

10025391 I just want to believe Cozy can actually live in a decent world, I guess. I feel like if this is real, even if she did really reform and put in decades of effort with the Queen, the place would still be a crap-hole. That and the caretaker has so much knowledge of everything that Cozy has ever done, stuff that seems like it would not be recorded for the history books.

[SoloBrony]

10025452
I avoided the mystery tag because I didn't really feel like the situation was mysterious or engrossing enough to warrant it, but I'm glad to see it's captured your interest like that.

[Telwyn Freecolt]

10024565
That is truly sad if that is the reason.

[asdtroi8895]

Little Cozy certainly has a way with words, doesn't she? Poor kid.

[Zizi Tachyon]

Beautiful, I love monologues and dialogues like this.

[SoloBrony]

10027298
Glad you liked it. This was the hardest part for me.

[Cackling Moron]

All that energy and nowhere for it to turn but inwards, no good for anyone, least of all those who'd prefer to always be facing forward, tsch

[GMBlackjack]

"Put me back in."

The Rockhoof solution…

fuck-up

…I’m sorry, but this broke my immersion. I was deeply emotionally connected and then, this, having not been a thing that she said the rest of the story and not even being a thing I thought could happen, completely tore me out of it. Just SNAP done. I’m going to try to get back into it…

Okay, for the record, I did get back into it. But emotional scenes like this are VERY delicate, especially in literature, and it’s a moment where suddenly every word matters. Just writing with the flow of everything doesn’t cut it, when you get this serious, you really have to craft it like a delicate house of cards.

You don’t quite do it, I’m sorry to say. There are moments where I’m taken out of it and have to force myself back into the flow, have to re-iterate what I’m thinking. It’s so close - I can feel hints of the feelings of a great setup paying off, of all the emotional ties coming together, and of everyone bonding together as one…

I really, really like this story. I’ve gotten emotionally attached enough that i’m starting to analyze the prose and the threads themselves. And… maybe my high standards are kicking in again. This is a good story. But there’s something missing in this moment here.

-GM, master of lunch.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Stop making me feel sorry for Cozy Glow! :p

[redandready45]

10025161

No.

This is much worse than Speed Demon. The events of Speed Demon can be blamed on one specific entity.

This is an Equestria where the ponies have thrown away their good values on purpose.

[Prose Poem]

I'm very curious now as to the caretaker's motives for releasing her from stone... Why did he already have a bedroom themed after her? Why release her and none of the others? What is his name?

[GeneralSarcasm]

Wonderous dialogue. Simply enthralling.

[SoloBrony]

10936206
Hey, thanks. Unless that was sarcastic, given your username, heh.