Anthology of Graybles

by Str8aura

What (OC; Batshit)

The modern philosopher sticks a great many pins to the word 'absurd', because he is an eldritch creature with a terrifying number of hands and too much time on them. A great deal of these boil down to the views spouted by an edgy atheist on Facebook, and ultimately defeat the true meaning of the word, of which there is none. The world is stupid and that's pretty funny if you think about it, and there is really nothing more to it, not enough to warrant any more discussion of it than that of an offhanded joke in Fairly Oddparents, likely spoken by Cosmo, and certainly not enough to host entire college classes on the subject, which in itself is lovingly faithful to the concept.

So anyway, here's a human holding a smaller than average (which is already quite small) horse made of bread at knifepoint.

"Gonna hurt me? Better make it count. Better end me in one stab. I know you won't."

"How did you get into my house?"

"Someone stuffed me in the bag. Lazy sod just wanted his shift to be over. I appreciate you coughing me up, even if it would've been nicer if you just hadn't eaten me in the first place." Her CalArts grin could be torn off effortlessly by someone with easier access to a caffeine addiction. Damn rare plant in this horse land.

"I was tired, give me a break. Why were you hanging out at a bakery?"

"If you knew braindead humans were being mass distributed at a building two blocks away, wouldn't you inevitably run out of excuses to not check it out?"

The tiny ponies attitude matched her face perfectly with an air of someone who had lost more than a few job opportunities to it. Despite being confirmed several times beforehand, human eyes still scanned for any hint of a falsity in her dough composition, and indeed found none; the pony sitting on the counter before him was genuinely made out of bread, and there really wasn't any point in insisting otherwise.

"What's your name?"

"Whey. And don't say 'because I want to know'."

"I was actually going to ask why you weren't named Dough or something."

"Do you know how many members of my family are named Dough?" She very intimidatingly stamped her crumb-sized hoof on the marble countertop. "There's no law saying my name has to be a bread pun! Maybe I thought it was dumb! Maybe I'm enby! Ever thought of that?"

"Are you?"

"Nah. Being a girl's cool." As she made her declaration, she casually sat down on a nearby cutting board, tearing off part of the loaf beside her. "So what's your name?"

"...Crow."

"Is that a monkey pun?"

---*---

"There's no way you guys are that strong."

"Yeah, sis. This one human, named Kirby, once trained for like, a week, hundred sit ups, hundred pushups, the like, every day. Then, when he was done, he punched the floor so hard the planet broke in two."

"Wait, wait, so how did you fix it?"

"We got a bunch of guys to stand on both sides and punch it back together."

The two ten-minute protagonists had grown on each other rather quickly, as two relatively chill dudes tend to when they have an entire day of lovely unemployment to enjoy. Despite his initial aversion to eating after realizing a newfound phobia of his food turning out to be sapient, Crow had ended up lightening up, and had begun sharing anecdotes on humanity of the the mostly bullshit variety.

"So, tell me about yourself, Whey. You're a talking slice of bread, you should have some interesting stories."

"Not really. As absurd as it is, even to me, inanimate objects citizens are pretty much just standard procedure. Subspecies of ponies are endless, and still being discovered. Look hard enough, and you'll probably find a Glock pony."

"Any bad blood or discrimination or anything?"

"Nope."

"Cool. Just like Scatman would've wanted."

"Yep."

Dough took a bite out of her loaf, accidentally tearing off part of her arm in the process. She shrugged. It was fine.

"This sure has been a day, hasn't it."

"Kinda pointless, actually."

"Yeah. It's cool though."

He took another bite of his bread. It tasted good, and there really was nothing more to it. Certainly not enough to warrant any analysis or attempts to find a deep meaning. Pretty funny how that works.

Author's Note:

The picture that prompted it