Have you ever asked yourself, "What would it be like if your life was in some ways like a video game?" I didn't, and it's a lot more complicated than to press a button to win
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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La historia tiene un comienzo prometedor, la función del “GAME” no es prioritaria y le haces funcionar de una forma maravillosa al crear un inicio al estilo “New birth” en lugar de ocupar un cuerpo.
Es como mencionaste previamente, no se trata del tan llamado héroe ni los monstruos vendrán a él. Él solo está viviendo una vida más.
Buena suerte (Put the translator on), yo tambien he leido las novelas y webcomics.
I'm sorry? He declared or she declared? It would seem more reasonable if Gentle Touch said that rather than him
10253078
Corrected. Thanks for pointing that out.
Pausing reading for a moment to point some things out.
First of all, the doctors and nurses aren’t reacting to the situation at all. They’re literally just saying “Oh. Mother died. Shall we kill or save the foal?” There’s no emotion. No reaction of, “oh no,” no attempt to save her life, no time of death declared, etc etc. Basically if a medical professional looked at this, their medical licenses would be immediately stripped and they’d be kicked out of the hospital and taken to get psychiatric help.
There’s also the fact to consider that the foal wasn’t immediately put into an incubator. Premature births - or foals that appear to be in an unstable or critical condition - are put into incubators to help them recover, to stabilise them, etc etc.
The entire hospital scene is wrong, frankly. Unprofessional. I look at it and I say “they didn’t try to save the mother, malpractice, they argued instead of trying to ensure the foal’s safety and health, malpractice”.
Oh also it’s very, very rare for a newborn to be euthanised. It’s illegal in all but 1-2 countries.
Eh. Dystopian future of Earth, social crippling of character and now after birth Euthanasia as normal procedure in Equestria. You are piling dark and edgy over dark and edgy. It is your story all is well but i at the least am quite detached from the story and character. But as always giving it few chapters more.
Just thought to note this, way too much "life is woe" in the start of a story might not be the best option.
foal is to be given to an orphanage or to a new pony who will look it. Look after it???
10330727
To pony who will look after it, as orphanages are completely overfilled, and desperate to find parents for the orphans. It will be explained more thoroughly in coming, as well as future, chapters.
Edit: I think I misunderstood your comments. It was you pointing out an error, right?
I'll be honest, the broken dialogue between the doctors really hurts the scene. It would have been better if you left the dialogue out entirely and just described the emotion of the dialogue in the narration.
I have to be honest, this story needs an editor (or at least Grammarly)
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It has, it's just that the early chapters aren't edited..any chapter where a "[E]" can be seen in the title has been edited. Don't worry, it's just the early chapters that have colourful grammar.
Reading through this story for the first time. I am hooked but it made me lose The Game.
FUCK.
i just lost 'the game'.
You over explained things, you injected adjective after adjectives in a sentence making it hard to understand. Don't overcomplicate simple scenes. Besides that the chapter was fine.