Learning To Live Again

by Speedy Quill

End Of An Era

I looked over my notes again.

"That's really it, isn't it?"

I perused the scroll a few more times for safety.

"Shit. Why do I always have to be right?"

I rolled up the scroll and sighed.

"Well, might as well ask her myself."

I left my study and made my way toward Celestia's. A momentary pause at the door told me she was in there. I didn't bother knocking.

"Can I talk to you?"

Celestia looked up from her desk.

"Come in. The door is open."

"Is he always so rude during the day?"

I paused as I spotted Luna by a bookshelf.

"Good. You're both here. We need to talk."

Luna groaned.

"I swear it wasn't me."

I arched my brow.

"What did you do?"

She blushed.

"Nothing."

She quickly sat down next to her sister. Celestia smiled and turned back to me.

"What is it Shade?"

"Well...I've noticed a pattern in the paperwork. Something that’s been going on for a while."

Neither of them reacted. I took a breath and continued.

"It's taken me the better part of a month to connect the dots, which assures me nopony else has noticed. But I figured I should just ask you if my assumption was correct."

Celestia smiled.

"And your assumption?"

I looked between the two of them for a second. They seemed so relaxed. Far more than usual. That's when I knew I was right. I let out a long sigh.

"You're going to step down."

Celestia nodded.

"It's our time. Equestria is safe and Twilight is more than ready."

I sat down, letting it sink in.

"You really mean it. Part of me had hoped I was wrong."

Luna smiled.

"You know we're not dying, right? We're just retiring."

"What are you going to do?"

Celestia stood up, coming around her desk.

"We settled on Silver Shoals. A little peace and quiet without our responsibilities sounds heavenly."

Luna came around as well.

"We might do some traveling. See the world."

I smiled.

"That sounds nice for you. When do you plan on revealing all of this to Twilight?"

Celestia thought for a moment.

"There's still a few things we need to square away in the paperwork, but I'd say soon. Maybe a week or two?"

I glanced up at her.

"You know, this paper trail seemed to start shortly after you took me on."

She tried to act surprised.

"Oh really?"

I glanced at Luna. She had a sheepish grin. My gaze returned to Celestia.

"So, this has been in the works for a while then."

Celestia nodded.

"I don't think we could have done this without your help. We wanted to make the transition as seamless as possible. That required a lot of small changes. But with you taking over some of our duties and helping expedite paperwork, it made our job a lot smoother than it would have been if you weren't here."

I couldn't help but smile.

"You used me."

Luna chuckled.

"Maybe a little. But we also saw the potential you had. We've watched you grow and become one of the finest ponies we know. And one of our closest friends."

Celestia nodded.

"I don't think we can ever thank you enough for the friendship you've given us."

I sighed.

"So...Twilight huh?"

"And her friends."

"That's a big responsibility."

"You don't think they can handle it?"

"On the contrary. I know they can."

Luna smiled.

"And they'll have you to help them out."

My smile began to fade.

"There's actually something I've been wanting to discuss with you."

The sisters looked at each other, concern in their eyes. Celestia turned back to me.

"You don't mean..."

I nodded.

"Recent events in my life have shown me that I need to step back from everything. At least from my position."

Luna leaned closer.

"Recent events?"

I looked between the two of them, debating on how much to tell them. I took a deep breath and proceeded with caution.

"I...had an episode with my dark magic. And it went south very quickly. Nopony was around to get hurt luckily. I don't think Sombra's magic was the only thing I integrated into me."

Celestia and Luna looked at each other again for a few seconds. Celestia took a step back.

"Maybe you should handle this."

She sat back as Luna let out a long sigh.

"I feared that was the case when we first discovered your situation in the Empire. I had just hoped that whatever part of his spirit you'd consumed might remain dormant."

I looked down at the floor.

"I felt like a completely different pony. I was strong, confident... I sucked the life out of a tree. I made the air around me thick with my own magic. It was like I was back in those damn mines. And...I liked it."

I was surprised by Luna pulling me into a hug. I felt her body press into me with such force, I thought I'd suffocate for a second. But as the pressure built, I felt my own defenses fall. The tears began welling up in my eyes.

If anypony could understand what I had been through, it was Luna. She didn't have to say anything. I could feel the strength in her embrace, the slight tremble in her hooves, and the tears falling to my shoulder.

I wrapped my hooves around her and let my tears come.

We stayed like that for a few minutes. Celestia sat to the side, a small smile on her face.

When we finally broke apart, Luna took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry you have this burden, but you're not alone. And if you believe that stepping back is what's best for you, then I wish you luck with whatever the future holds."

Celestia nodded.

"I couldn't have said it better myself."

She gave me a hug, the warmth of her body providing further comfort. As we separated, I began to smile.

"You're not rid of me yet. I'll stay on as long as you two are around. But I do have an idea I want to pursue when the time comes."

Luna smiled.

"What would that be?"

"Historian?"

Celestia chuckled.

"Why am I not surprised? You've always been obsessed with history."

Luna nodded.

"That seems fitting for you. But do you think you have enough to add to the books?"

"I was thinking of compiling the various histories into a comprehensive volume. With a few additions of my own of course. And I'll need to use you two as sources, seeing as you're both older than Equestria itself."

Both gasped from the offence. I didn't have time to jump out of the way as they tackled me.

"Take it back!"

"Never!"

"Luna, tickle him."

"Don't you dare!"

----------------------------

I stepped off the train and made my way to Twilight's castle.

I was surprised to find all the girls there. They greeted me warmly while Rarity pulled me into a hug.

"We didn't expect to see you until tomorrow!"

I hugged her back.

"I wanted to surprise you. Besides, I needed to discuss something with Twilight."

Twilight's ears perked up.

"Are the girls okay to be here?"

I nodded and moved to the table.

"I have some news I wanted to share. I know that most of you won't fully understand my motives, but I think Twilight will."

They all looked at me in confusion. I took a breath and spat it out.

"I'll be stepping down from my position in the near future."

Gasps all around. Even Twilight. The only one who didn't seem surprised was Rarity. I glanced at her and she smiled, giving a small nod. She understood. I focused my attention back on the table as questions began flying.

"You're leaving Canterlot?"

"Don't Celestia and Luna want you there?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Why would you give up a sweet gig like that?"

I looked at Twilight.

"I've already told Celestia and Luna. They agree with my decision. Do you understand my reasoning?"

She slowly nodded and smiled.

"I do. If you're happy with your decision, then I'm happy for you. Though I'll miss having you help with my paperwork."

I chuckled.

"I think you'll manage."

Rainbow Dash rose from her seat.

"So, what are you going to do then?"

I shrugged.

"Move back to Ponyville once I'm done. Relax. Spend more time with all of you. If you don't mind having me around."

Pinkie jumped up.

"Of course we don't mind! You're our friend!"

Twilight nodded as she stood up.

"And you always will be. Maybe you can come help at the school! We could use the extra hooves since the whole Cozy Glow incident."

I nodded.

"I'd be happy to help."

Twilight made her way around the table to me, placing a hoof on my shoulder.

"Whatever comes next, we're always here for you."

She gave me a hug. It didn't take long for the girls to swarm me, locking me in a group hug. I sighed as I let a feeling of contentment wash over me.

Whatever comes next...

------------------------------------------------

It turned out a lot could come next. Celestia and Luna announced their retirement. Everything was gearing up for a big coronation.

Nopony expected Sombra.

I can only assume I avoided his mind control since I hold a part of his soul within me, but that didn't stop me from being completely helpless. I had hidden myself in the boutique, unable to handle the horrible reality that was Sombra's Invasion.

When the forest began attacking, I finally snapped out of it. I left the boutique and found Celestia, Luna, and Star Swirl battling the intruding vines of Everfree. I jumped into battle with them, unwilling to let the forest take my home.

It was the last time I allowed my dark magic to flow through me. I used every drop cutting back the forest. All three of them warned me of overextending myself, but I wanted to ensure I didn't have an ounce of Sombra left in me. And as far as I've been able to tell, it worked.

Even once victory was secured by the girls and Sombra was destroyed once and for all, I didn't sleep for a month.

Celestia and Luna decided to remain in power for a while longer. Nearly a year actually. I helped them go through everything to ensure the transition would be a smooth as they hoped. We even worked on packing up some stuff for their eventual departure.

Rarity and I spent time together where we could, doing our best not to get on each other's nerves the rest of the time. I was ready to retire while she was ramping up her business like never before. We were moving in very different directions workwise. I made sure she knew she had my full support. She was appreciative of that.

"You don't have to help me. You've got your own plans, don't you?"

"Writing a history book can take a backseat for a bit while I help you expand your brand. Besides, you could use somepony like me to keep track of your accounting, right?"

We'd all spent the better part of our time prepping for the transition. The girls worked on coronation plans. And Celestia and Luna made plans for their lives post-retirement. They even took a mini vacation to test the waters.

The biggest hurdle came when Discord revealed his latest blunder. I'd nearly strangled him myself when he mentioned recruiting Chrysalis.

"You pea-brained idiot!! What were you thinking?!"

"Don't chastise me half-breed! Besides, it all worked out, didn't it?"

Luckily, it did work out. Nopony was as happy as I was when watching Chrysalis get turned to stone. It had been a satisfying moment. Another part of my past was safely tucked away.

--------------------

I stood back as Star Swirl set the statue where Discord had once stood in the gardens. I stared at the three villains, frozen in their stone prison.

"A little to the left. No, too far. Back a little. Turn it to the north slightly. There."

Star Swirl stood back with me and nodded.

"A fitting punishment, don't you think?"

I nodded my agreement.

"Only the finest for Equestria's lowest."

Star Swirl chuckled as he walked away. I remained there, staring at the statue. I was staring at Chrysalis in particular.

I found myself approaching her, getting within a few steps of her face. I found myself surprised as I began speaking to her.

"You know...I thought the last time I saw you would be the last time. But here we are."

I sat down in front of her.

"And now you have to listen to me."

I took a deep breath and continued.

"You know, I once told Celestia I had only one good memory of you. That's still true. I don't know if you remember it, but it's still clear in my mind. It was shortly after I hatched. You..."

I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

"You were holding me against your body. And you were whispering to me. I could actually feel your love for me. Maybe I was the only one who ever received any of that love. But that's the problem."

More tears were coming.

"You had the potential to love. You could have been so different from what you became. And it was that one memory, that one hope that kept me going. I put up with your abuse, hoping you might see the light one day. I let you treat me like dirt because I believed there was a better creature beneath the surface."

I felt my face contort.

"But you couldn't do it, could you? You couldn't give love. All you could do was horde it and keep it for yourself!"

I glared up at her.

"You let us all starve while you knew perfectly well there was another way. I hated you for it. I still hate you for it!"

I looked back down, my eyes clamping shut as the tears kept coming.

"But that fucking memory. I couldn't help but hope that you would change. I wanted you to love me. I wanted you to be my mother."

I wiped the tears away, keeping my gaze down.

"Do you remember what you said to me when I hatched? Do you remember what you were whispering to me? Because of all the things that I have in my head, that's the one piece that's missing. All I know is that it made me feel special. It made me feel like...you loved me. Even with all the evidence to the contrary, I truly believed that, deep down, you loved me."

I turned away, wiping my face again.

"How? How could I believe that you were capable of loving anyone but yourself? Even if you loved me for a moment, you certainly didn't love me long enough to care what happened to me. You left me to die. You let me suffer because I wanted more from you than you were willing to give. And now...now you're paying the price for your cruelty."

I spun around, finally looking at her face again.

"But you know what the worst part of all of this is? I still want that love. I'll be forever haunted by that memory. I'll always wonder what could have been..."

I found myself reaching for her hoof, the stone cold against my own.

"You don't deserve love from me, but there's still a small part that can't help but give it."

A faint shimmer passed over the statue. I looked down at my hoof and found saw a faint glow between it and the stone surface.

Before I knew what was happening, I felt my vision cloud. It was taken over, filling with a new image.

I was in the hive. And sitting in front of me was Chrysalis. She looked young and vibrant. And she was holding a hatchling.

I approached her, realizing she wasn't aware of me. She was rocking the hatchling in her hooves. I looked down at the hatchling, catching my breath.

It was me.

"My sweet Varus."

I looked at Chrysalis. Her eyes were fixed on the infant.

"One day you'll have brothers and sisters, but you'll always be my first child."

I stared at her face. I'd never seen her look like this.

"You are my prince. And one day, you'll rule with me."

I felt tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

My infant form made a noise and I saw love begin to flow between the two of them. After a minute, I saw Chrysalis changing. Her dark skin was turning a brilliant white. As she noticed this, she cut off the flow. Her skin returned to its former shade as my young self cried.

"Shhh. It's okay my darling. I can't give you too much. If I change now, we'll lose everything."

A changeling appeared from an opening in the cave.

"My Queen. The enemy is retreating. The hive is safe."

She snarled at the changeling.

"As it should be! Next time don't lead our enemies to our doorstep you fool!"

She stood and levitated the infant over to the changeling.

"Take him to the nursery. He can stay with the other hatchlings."

"Is that wise? He's your firstborn after all."

"Are you ordering your Queen?"

He shook his head.

"Just a suggestion. He's partly mine as well, isn't he?"

My ears perked up as I took in the changeling before me. Was it really him?

Chrysalis snarled at my father and he retreated. The hole in the wall sealed and she was left alone.

Her snarl disappeared and she began rubbing her skin.

"I'm sorry little one, but I can't love you. There's too much at stake to let love ruin me. I have to remain strong."

I was shocked as I saw a single tear roll down her cheek.

"You'll always be my little Varus."

My vision was suddenly filled by a blinding light.

I blinked several times, discovering I was back in front of the statue. Tears were streaming down my face. As my mind comprehended what it had just seen, my face twisted from the heartache.

Once upon a time, my mother loved me. She loved me so much she had to push me away over what she saw as a weakness. As her thirst for power grew, her contempt for me did too. I was her one weakness. And she had both loved and hated me for it.

I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.

"Shade?"

I froze. My head turned enough to spot Rarity behind me.

"I was looking for you. I thought we were going to catch the next train home."

She approached me, her eyes filling with concern.

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head.

"I...I don't think I can talk about it yet."

She looked at the statue, a frown forming on her face.

"You don't deserve his tears."

She looked at me, pulling me into a hug.

"If you ever feel ready to talk, let me know."

I nodded and returned the hug.

"Thank you."

She pulled away and smiled.

"Everything is going to be better now."

I nodded again.

"You're right. But there's one more thing we have to fight through."

She looked puzzled.

"What's left?"

"The coronation."

She smiled and giggled.

"Easy compared to these three brutes."

We turned toward the castle and began walking. I glanced over my shoulder, taking one last look at Chrysalis. There weren't any more words to be said. She'd chosen her fate. And as I looked to Rarity, I knew I'd chosen mine.

------------------------------------

I sat at my table, sighing as the festivities wound down.

"Well, here's to retirement."

I clinked cider glasses with Celestia and Luna. I'd been able to procure the proper cider after the fiasco with the applesauce. We all took sips, enjoying the sharp taste of apple.

Celestia set her glass down, letting out a sigh.

"We're finally free."

"After ruling for over a thousand years between the two of you, what are your first plans?"

Luna smiled.

"Silver Shoals. We need to make sure all our things are sorted away. After that, an extended vacation."

Celestia nodded.

"Maybe out of the country. I've heard Abyssinia is lovely this time of year."

I looked over at the table where the girls were sitting. They were at a table right at the front of everything. We'd taken residence at one of the back tables.

"Well you can't go quite yet. You-"

I was interrupted by the sound of boisterous laughter a few tables away.

"Honestly, I don't know why she was chosen. She may have been a student of Celestia's, but she doesn't have the proper bloodline."

I glanced over at the commotion. I rolled my eyes as I found the face of the unwanted commentator.

"Please tell me he's being kicked off the castle grounds today."

Luna leaned over.

"Why do you think he's acting like that? Not to mention the four empty glasses in front of him."

I spotted the glasses and sighed.

"How is that prick of a pony related to you?"

Celestia sighed.

"It's not very direct. We had some cousins growing up who believed in keeping "pure" Unicorn blood within the family. Go forward a thousand years and here we are. He's our....twelfth cousin?"

Luna chimed in.

"Twice removed."

I shook my head.

"That that stallion could share any blood with you is beyond me."

Celestia covered her face.

"I didn't even want to acknowledge him. But his family was so annoying, nagging me constantly. I had to give him a title to shut them up. Not to mention give him the guest house on the grounds."

Another comment drifted over from the table he was sitting at.

"I'll say this much, at least she was a unicorn to begin with. We don't need some earth pony or pegasus sitting on the throne."

I found myself grinding my teeth together. What to do about the party crasher... A smile grew on my face.

"I suppose he's mighty proud of his horn?"

Luna rolled her eyes.

"Don't get him started on that. It's his pride and joy."

I focused my mind, searching for the proper spell. I needed one that would stick long enough. Ah!

I shot a spark out of my horn. It flew over the tables and hit Blueblood. A cloud of smoke enveloped his head, causing him to cough. Everypony at his table gasped as the smoke cleared. Blueblood's horn was limp as a noodle.

"NO!!! My horn!! My beautiful, perfect, gorgeous horn!! Don't look at me!! Don't look!!!"

He got up and ran off into the distance. All three of us were about to fall out of our chairs from laughing so hard. Luna was the first to be able to speak.

"And you call us sadistic?!"

I wiped away my tears.

"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it!"

Celestia sat up.

"Well that should wound his ego for an hour or two."

I couldn't stop laughing.

"That was one of Star Swirl's spells! That horn won't stand up for a month at least!"

It took us several minutes to recompose ourselves. By then the guests were beginning to filter out. Soon the only ponies left were us and the girls at their front table. We saw Twilight join them. Celestia stood up and stretched her legs.

"I think it's time we said our goodbyes."

She and Luna began walking toward the table. They paused when they noticed I wasn't with them. Luna looked back at me.

"Aren't you coming?"

I nodded.

"Yeah. I'll be right behind you."

They continued on as I summoned my surprise. I checked it over, satisfied with the presentation. I looked over to see the sisters arriving at the table.

I trotted over, my heart racing.

All of them were gathering in for a group hug as I stopped nearby. I took a deep breath and moved forward as the hug broke up.

"Did I miss out?"

Rarity turned and smiled.

"Of course not!"

She pulled me into a hug, and I smiled. I looked at Celestia and Luna.

"You two better not go on vacation too quickly."

Celestia cocked her brow, a smile forming.

"And why should we delay our well-deserved break?"

I stepped back from Rarity and held out a ring. Everypony stared in shock. Rarity teared up.

"Yes."

"Wait a minute! Don't you want me to ask?"

She wiped her tears away.

"Do you really want to risk me changing my mind?"

"Good point."

Everypony began cheering. I felt them all close in as another group hug took place.

Rarity leaned in and kissed me. I melted into her hooves, letting our lips press together like never before.

Comments

[ForestTrails482]

I imagine there's gonna be a big confrontation between Sombra and Shade when the dark king returns.