It Begins
Hey, Trever here, and today I'm going to share with you my attempt at trying to enter the colorful world of Equestria! Before we do that though, I've gotta tell you about my life n' stuff. Ya know, exposition, that fun thing.
Where do I begin? Well, I'm currently 18 years of age, and about to graduate highschool. I've got long dark brown hair that curls at the end. I'm kinda prissy when it comes to my hair, I just love it so much. I'm about 5'10, got thin, wire frame glasses, and I'm pretty bashful when I meet new people too, but I'm the type that if you get to know em, you can't get em to shut up. I'm also living with my dad in a condominium. It's actually not that bad. Two beds, two baths, and even a little office between the master bedroom and the living room where I keep my computer and my dad keeps his printer. My dad's been kind of a financial wreck ever since he broke up with his last girlfriend, but he's been doing kind of better. I usually hang out alone in my room playing on my laptop. It's a cozy little place. Upon entering, you're first greeted with my dresser drawer being on the opposite end of the room. It's rather long, and covers most of the wall. On top of it I've got an assortment of stuffed animals and whatever 3DS games I'm interested in atm. To the left of it, what's left of the wall that isn't covered is my bed. You'll always find my laptop on one of the two pillows at the end of the bed. Just above my bed is that famous poster of Farrah Fawcett, you know the one. The rest of my room is covered in an assortment of posters from things like Pokemon, The Legend of Zelda, and of course, My Little Pony.
So yea, I guess you'd like to know my ingenious plan for entering Ponyville now huh?
This day began like any other really. I was sitting down, reading probably one of the worst stories ever written on my laptop. My dad just got home from work and brought in a new TV for my room.
"So... why did you go and get me a new TV?" I asked my dad in both confusion and maybe a little excitement. It wasn't anything spectacular, just a really large, blocky TV.
"So what, I can't just do nice things for my son?" He asks me with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"Yea but it's not my birthday or anything." It's not that I'm ungrateful, just curious.
"Alright then, let's just wait another 300 days for your 19th birthday." He scoffed at me as he began to pick the TV up and out of my room. He's got a pretty strong build, no surprise he could pick up such a hefty TV by himself.
"Alright, fair enough." I sigh as I knock off a few stuffed animals from my dresser drawer and help my dad place the TV in my room.
I wonder if I could... Nah that's stupid...
Me and my dad both say our goodbyes as he exits his room. I begin to hook up my TV so that I could play my games on it. I've also got a cable connecting it to my laptop so I could watch streams and the like on a better screen.
"I can't wait to watch the new episodes on this thing!" I squeal to myself in excitement. I stare at the TV, somewhat blankly for a moment, seeing my own reflection. While staring at the screen, I feel this eerie presence looming from behind. I see a sudden flash behind me in the reflection, like something large and white just jolted behind me. I could even feel the wind moving as I witnessed this. I quickly turn around only to see nothing there.
Am I seeing things? I must be going crazy...
I look back at the TV and lay one hand on it. "Man would it be cool to visit Equestria..." I whisper to myself as I gently lay my head on the screen, thinking nothing but thoughts about My Little Pony... maybe if I tried hard enough, I'd end up there.
I'm insane. What am I even doing?
I just kinda sit there for a while with my head against the screen and... nothing. "This is frustrating," I said in... uh... frustration? "First I'm seeing things, now I'm going crazy. I mean 'Going To Ponyville', how ridiculous is that?"
I've always had a bit of an anger issue, and this time I started banging my head against the TV. Each hit against my head sends a jolt to my brain. I'm probably making a stupid decision but I'll figure that out later.
Stupid stupid STUPID! Why am I so FUCKING STUPID!?
Starting to feel relieved of my anger, I give the TV one last hit with my head before the glass shatters. I fall over with my back on the floor, making the shards on the back of my head dig deeper into my skull. Sparks from the TV fly near my face, barely grazing past my cheek
"I'm such... a fucking... idiot..." I utter to myself before losing consciousness, everything fades to black.
"Ugh... where am I?" I utter as I open my eyes, looking across this... room. Where these my thoughts, or was I actually saying this? It doesn't seem to matter now, priorities first, figure out where I am. I was in a dark room, pitch black. There was a single light, shining like a spotlight right on top of me, yet I couldn't find a source. I put my hands in front of me, at least it felt like it, but I couldn't see them. I looked down and couldn't see my legs. Just the end of the spotlight. The light that didn't seem to have a beginning. I looked around, searching, seeing if I could find anything.
Suddenly I saw something, or maybe someone is more accurate. It was a pony, one of the main 6. We all know her as AppleJack, but at the time I had no idea what I was starring at. She began to move, running circles around me before she turned around and bucked the air. Apples and buckets started to form near her, the apples falling in the buckets. She picked them up, carried them somewhere and vanished. I couldn't think of her name for whatever reason, and just kept looking around, seeing if I could find something that could actually help me.
It was somepony!
Another figured appeared, I bet you could guess witch one it is, but I sure can't. This one was wearing glasses, neatly stitching a cloth. She noticed me, and gently sat her glasses down on what appeared to be nothing, and gave me a seductive wink as she flipped her gorgeous main before vanishing just as the other one did. If you couldn't guess, it was Rarity. I still couldn't figure out why I didn't know their names. Their actions and looks seemed so very familiar to me, but something just wasn't clicking. I went through this with all of the main characters. Fluttershy was snuggling her animals, Rainbow Dash was zipping around, doing circles around me, Pinkie kept bouncing all over the place while doing cartwheels and hand stands, then lastly Twilight was reading a book before noticing me, blushing, then vanished like the rest of them.
"Did I do something wrong? It's been so long since I used this spell... aw crap I gave him amnesia didn't I?" Uttered a familiar female voice that echoed in a godly tone.
"What's that? Who's there? Where am I?" I started to ask in confusion, hoping the goddess (or whatever it was) could hear me and respond.
"Me, I can't tell you who I am yet and or where you are." The voice answered calmly, before the echoing sounds of pages flipping in a book could be heard from a distance.
"Alright then, what am I doing here?" I pressed on, hoping to gather some information as to what the fuck is going on.
"I-I can't tell you that either." The voice said, sounding a bit more worried. The sound of flipping pages got more aggressive before it suddenly stopped, accompanied with another shortly lived moment of silence.
"Well I can't completely fix my screw up," explained the voice, "the best I can do is show you more ponies, and hope you can recognize one."
"Why is it so important that I recognize one of them?" I asked, not given an answer. I saw more ponies present themselves, each of them to no avail... except one.
I'm sure you'll be able to guess it almost immediately, but it took me a while before I caught on to who it was. This pony was... different. She stood out more than any of the other ones I saw. She was wearing her signature cap n' cape combo she usually dawns before a show. Fireworks blazing, sparks flying, the scene was spectacular. Slowly, as I peered closer toward the sparks flying right at me, I got it. It was Trixie Lulamoon. Just as it hit me, the entire room turned white, and a pitch black figure appeared behind Trixie, stopping the sparks. It was a monstrous being of what seemed to resemble an alicorn, only showing from the lower torso and up. She turned around and cowered at the giant creature that emerged before her. It began to spread its enormous wings that seemed like they were about to envelope her, and she looked terrified about it.
"Trixie!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I run to her, pushing her out of harm's way. The monster engulfs me within its wings instead, and everything goes back to black...
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- The Quidam · 160k words · 389 33 · 8.8k views
- Mountainmanmad · 179k words · 1,108 72 · 18k views
- GamerBrother777 · 15k words · 84 15 · 6.6k views
- elamentalwarrior · 23k words · 58 6 · 1.8k views
- Celestias Paladin · 3.5k words · 34 5 · 1.3k views
- AnRin05 · 14k words · 344 10 · 5.8k views
- Earthjolly · 3.2k words · 19 1 · 1.3k views
- Obselescence · 13k words · 451 33 · 6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.082 seconds
Total duration
871 users online
1,168,511 hits today, 1,892,089 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
gifs.gifbin.com/1236681924_snail_transformers.gif
Nope. In fairness, the writing wasn't too bad, but... Nope.
1048404 well at least you gave it a try.
1048642 thanks. its supposed to leave you confused and wanting chapter 2 for more info on what may have happened. the grammar... well i have no excuse for that, i actually just re-read it and i see what you mean.
1048642
'Why is everpony disliking this?'
'The grammar could be better'
'The plot could be more developed'
You've answered your own question. HiE is already an incredibly oversaturated genre, so stories with even the tiniest flaws are usually shot down quickly. And this one's flaws are obviously a bit more than tiny.
Nothing about this made me want to read more. Billy's description of himself is not at all interesting: A brony who spends his time on the internet. Not even a sob story to hate him for. He's simply a bland character with a first and last name, who explains quite obviously your own thoughts on how most Human in Equestria proceed, in an uncreative, straightforward way.
Nothing about his personality is memorable because the whole chapter is spent describing the six ponies everyone on this site should know already, and he inexplicably can't remember any of their names. As a result of some yet-to-be-explained force, perhaps?
I don't care enough to wait for an answer.
You make the bare minimum of 1,000 words (by 9 words, no less) and expect people to want to know more? I don't understand the hook because in my mind's eye, in order to overcome the boredom I felt while reading this I just imagined a stick figure pressing his head against the screen of a television that was placed in the middle of a windowless room comprised of four white walls, a white ceiling and a white floor. There's a doggy door in one of the walls to allow food and water to go in and out of the room by care of unknown means and a single, solitary light-bulb hanging off the ceiling. Did you see what just happened? I've just created a more tangible world in one paragraph than what you wrote out of eight in this chapter.
I'm not even going to "suggest" but declare it mandatory that you re-write the first chapter. But before you go about this, ask in the FIMchat for help in writing this story or join any of the numerous groups on the site to ask for advice/help/mentoring and then after coming up with a solid overall idea for this story, with an interesting-enough main character (I'm not asking you to fully flesh-out his background and personality with all of his likes, dislikes, family tree and complete life story, but develop something worth relating to beyond "Liking MLP: FIM" and "knowing how to internet"), re-do this chapter (Hopefully written with more substance rather than just word-count) before moving on to the second and then third, etc. I took a moment to glance at your list of favorites and you obviously have read a relatively decent number of fics, spread out in genre and maturity...which just boggles my mind how you only managed to write 1,009 words of nothing happening.
Also, don't just acknowledge your mistakes when they're pointed out, FIX THEM. Nothing's more distracting than egregious writing mistakes, especially when it comes to your synopsis. It's sloppy writing if you don't proofread before you post, or go out of your way to get a proofreader to help you when you know you're not the strongest writer by any means. You're just making a terrible first impression with the readers by being so careless and it's obvious you know better from your response in 1048667.
I wish you good luck if you really want to continue to write pony fiction and get better as a writer in general.
1048904 i might have a bit of explaining to do... about the character being under- developed, it sorta was planed out that way. as you read the story you learn more about the character and his traits along the way. maybe if i do re-write the chapter ill do something with his room but his character shapes along with the story. the "hook" i was looking for was just for curiosity. the fact "Billy" doesn't remember their names but is a big fan might make you wonder, or how he just blacked out with no warning. yea i agree if your familiar with the site you shouldn't need a description but the character is going through this and describing what he sees sense he cant just say "i saw flutter shy then rarity and then twilight!". and about the grammar thing... well if its really that bad ill get a friend of mine to look through and see what needs to be fixed (im sure there are tons of errors in this message too).
I thank you greatly for your feedback and for reading my fan fiction. I am also sorry it wasn't good in your eyes but its my first and i can improve.
The sentences are a little choppy in places, and it should be a bit more colorful in word choice, but the spelling and puntuation errors are pretty small. I'm not a big fan of HiE stories, but if you can fix those things (and heed Typewriterpony's advice, it is GOLD), then this story could go somewhere. So I'm going to follow this and see what happens.
Congratulations, 1048959, you receive the Derpy Award for unintentional stupidity. I know you put in effort.
1048959 Here's the thing. You're new on this site. We're not. All of the bad, cliche HiE stories have the human character suddenly black out and wake up in Equestria. Your hook doesn't make us want to read more, it makes us want to stop reading, downvote, and leave.
1049715 No, im not new. it might say that i have had an account for a few weeks but i actually just barely made one to post this story. i know thats how it normely goes, and plus the chapter is still under works. its not a finished version. actually i think i might just unpublish just too finish.
Thanks to your advice, I have had a good friend of mine edit and revise chapter 1 and he will do so for all my other chapters afterward. I also gave a description of what the character looks like as well. I hope its a lot better than it was before and that it seems pleasing to you!
1048904
1060223 Despite some of the grammar being fixed up, it doesn't completely stop the fact that it's cliche. Flesh out the story for the future and that will probably help get some upvotes.
1060377 Believe me, I know it sounds cliche but don't worry. I have plans for this fic and i know it wont be predictable or "cliche" in chapter 2.
1060223>>1060377>>1060390
My problem with the story, or any story for that matter, has never been about whether it's "cliché" or not. Clichés have their roles and uses. My problem and why I still don't care to read further than chap 1 since my last comment is simply because this story isn't interesting to me. You still need to develop your writing style, and that's not your fault. Just keep writing, keep practicing, keep reading--both fanfiction and other types of fiction--go about your regular, everyday life and meet new people and experience new things, and you'll become a better and better writer as you accumulate more experience. It's going to sound harsh but your good friend did a pretty terrible job in editing this, as it's still messy and full of errors and looks no different than your original version--with the sole exception of there being an extra paragraph that reveals Billy (or "Billy" as you addressed him as in 1048959) is now a human-turned-other character.
BTW what 1049715 meant by you being new is that you're new to writing, not simply having an account on the site. Unless you've written before, then I mean writing pony fiction.
Anyways, the lesson you should glean from this comment is that you should just keep writing and learn as much as you can from your English classes/online guides/experienced writers who take the time to give you advice. Experience is what you need, not people's sympathy. While you should appreciate and be grateful for all the help you get, don't think you're entitled to it, because it's your story in the end, not theirs.
1061116 img703.imageshack.us/img703/2508/64189950.gif good job in explaining sir.
1061116 I will surely take what you said in advice. It's just when all these different people kept saying how terrible the story was I sorta felt hurt because I put a lot into this story. I may not need to say this but writing is my least favorite subject and I decided to do something within that subject that was just for fun and people hated it and I wasn't sure why until I read your comment. Thank you. You don't have to read it, but im hoping people like chapter two a lot more than what chapter one was judged for. Thanks again, and I hope to see you on my other fics if I decide to make more.