Whoo! It's finally up!

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Mani added that as a joke from the editing process.

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Or even it turning out Sweetie having a crush on him and she goes to Starlight to ask to join them.

Yeah, I would love that! Make it happen!

Fun little story, could be interesting seeing more shopping in CTS.

Aaaaand, sadly, as with any group, you are going to get some assholes that just have ruin other ponies fun by being idiotic assholes. Still, well handled.

I hope I'm not overstepping in leaving feedback. I think a lot about stuff and I kinda want to get this out.

So I'm kinda split on this. On one hand, I really loved that blowjob scene. It ticked so many personal kink boxes with that dialogue and how Lightning Dust chose to pleasure him. There's so many amazing details—She kept her eyes on him, watching to see how he felt, took pride in her skill and worked hard to make sure she did a good job, she reveled in the service, and generally just focused away from her own pleasure and stayed submissive in a way that was incredibly appealing, yet not out of character. And there was emphasis on their personal connection, despite her ass being used by a stranger.

I think it's one thing to write Fluttershy as a submissive, because it seems so obvious, but there's a lot of aggressive, rough girls/guys who want to submit to someone they think is worthy, and that really makes it feel like it has more value and depth. That was conveyed here well too and it's why I was excited to see Lightning Dust like that (she's a cool character tbh).

And even beyond that, just the little teasing where he wouldn't let her touch him, the asking for permission and him allowing it, and the apology for cumming are things I love. That was great.

On the other hand, there was a lot I found not that interesting. Like in the case of studded vs unstudded collar, that was a cool detail and I loved the practicality of it, but I sorta question the inclusion of things like a slave furniture store. Also I found the OC x Moondancer x Lightning Dust herd idea to be pretty crack shipp-y. I guess maybe that'd be explained better in the origin stories and far be it from me to talk about what horses people choose to use, but I still questioned the appeal and reasoning behind that setup. It feels more like it was done because the author liked those two characters and there's no real reason for their grouping that we see.

There's also the matter of clothes on otherwise naked ponies. It's just not that kinky and it's pretty underwhelming unless it's socks or something. Moondancer's outfit at least made sense in a BDSM context but putting Lightning in a horse play outfit as... a horse? Scores zero points with me. The fact their tails are swept to the side also feels completely devoid of kink too as they're within a kink society area where people are fucking public already. I just had no interest in this despite how much I love sexy clothes and shopping for them as a D/s concept.

Another nitpick I had was that the dialogue in the shopping scene just felt disinteresting or made me dislike the characters. Let me first mention though that Hunter is fine. He's fairly neutral and a passable dom imo overall, but Moondancer sorta ended up feeling like a stereotype of a submissive slave rather than Moondancer AS a submissive slave. Her lines felt like they were copied from a book on how to talk to a dom, rather than something that tells us about her relationship to/with hunter. Conceptually though, its good and does tell us something about their relationshop. The IDEA here is fantastic. She wants to exercise her submission in an act of trust. Super hot idea. Loved it. I just didn't feel like Moondancer had much character in the way she said it is all.

So Lightning Dust was a 10/10 cutie in the blowjob scene. In the shopping scene, Lightning Dust sounds like a cunt. She really ought to have that ego since she's Lightning Dust, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's likeable when she acts sorta mopey/disinterested when shopping (just felt a bit limp and disinteresting to me), AND talks about how amazing her body is. It would be fine if Hunter sorta had some banter with her over it and she gave a cheeky reply—that would make it cute—but he just sorta doesn't and that almost feels like he doesn't feel anything in response to that. Otherwise it's a personality turn off.

Last big nitpick is the random inclusion of a token douchebag. I know Clocktower is really trying hard to be a realistic and therefore supposedly healthy depiction of kink and sex, but what purpose did that honestly serve? It feels like: 'He's a really obvious jerk. Don't be like him and appreciate your subs.' Are we kindergartners? Why? What purpose does that serve while I'm stroking my dick to Lightning Dusts amazing blowjobs? This is the only bit that actively annoyed me because it feels like some sorta weird BDSM virtue signal. There's no nuance, no character to actually delve into and try to understand. It's just a cardboard cutout of what not to do, and we get to see Hunter give him a metaphorical backhand and that's supposed to sorta make us feel big I guess? That felt cheap, like the story was either talking down to the audience or wanting to give them the satisfaction of telling someone off for being mean. Both are juvenile.

But yeah, as harsh as that last bit is, I honestly though it was pretty neat as is the most hot Clocktower story I've read so far. I've got my eye on it for now.

How do I enter if I were to make my own story? Cuz I might want to try out.

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I hope I'm not overstepping in leaving feedback.

NEVER! Feedback is always great. It's food fr writers and keeps them nice and ready to keep writing. Granted, trolls and "U suckzor and are teh gayz" idiots who just bash are spoiled food, but the analogy holds. Stuff like this? Five course deluxe feast. Please, do this more, sure plenty of authors would love it. Not just me once my bit comes out for this.

I'll admit, I do kind of agree with a lot of your things, is one reason my own comment was so... limited. Wasn't much in this that really grabbed me in more then an intellectually interested way, but most of that was just a case of "meh, not my kink." But, still some point worth talking about. On the characters, I do mostly agree, but that, and several other points, are in large part a case of; one, as you said, being part of a larger story, and so most of the characterization and relationship development is in those places, this just giving us a look at things. Which is great and I freaking LOVE stuff like that, and as such, this does a great job, giving a good look to get those who like it interested in learning more and taking on the other stories. And two, the length, it's a really short story, and so doens't really have room to flesh stuff out.

I will admit I couldn't really get into the characters much, but I also know this a place I really can't say much about what that says about the quality of the writing/story, since a large part of the distance was my own issues, I just can't get into Lightning Dust as a character, not for any issues with the writing, but I just can't see her as anything but an amoral, selfish, sociopath. This take works as well, and Brony-wan does do a great job with her, but my own views on the character make it too hard for me to really get into a story like this about her.

But yes, I fully agree with the idea of not always going the obvious route, about strong, in control characters being able to sub well, and it making sense, gives them a chance to relax, not be in control, to not be the one who has to make all the decisions, etc... it's a large reason behind the motivations I've given for CTS Luna being how she is. I do love stories that are willing to bend expectations a bit like this, and it works really well.

As to the asshole, this feels a lot like something carried over from the main story, Lightning Dust dealing with how her bad attitude has given her a reputation and made it hard for her to fit in, made her a target. I do like the idea of this, but yes, the execution could have been better meshed in with the rest of the story, but again, short story, not much time to build this up or have it fleshed out. Plus, well, can't really throw any stones at this given I'm the one who (At least according to Mani ) cracked open that pandora's box and had the first outright, pure antagonistic, CTS asshole who isn't meant to be more then an asshole you want to see get his comeuppance on a story.

Now, two places I do wholly need to disagree, well one wholly, one partially, is on the 'how is that kinky' aspect. The whole 'Furniture store" thing is the partial, since... while I do agree with you that it just, isn't a thing I see the appeal of and does nothing for me. I know there are more then enough people around just in the CTS community who are into it, I can totally see it being a thing in 'verse for CTS and this making sense to exist. There is very much a market for it, it's just not us.

The clothing thing, totally disagree, hell if anything, them being usually naked makes dressing up all the more likely to be seen as exotic and special. Take a look at Piers Anthony's 'Apprentice Adapt' series, the main character has grown up in a society where everyone is naked (Except for the 'Citizens' who run things) and, it's seen as nothing special everyone is so used to it, no one cares. But when he ends up stumbling into another world where that isn't the case (and later winds up becoming a citizen) he has issues not finding clothed people arrusingly exotic and risque. Plus, beyond that is the meaning of the outfits, what they show off. Some are good for getting into fantasies, others set a baseline expectation of something erotic. Or just are in themselves part of a kink.

Like Moondancer's outfit The whole point of that is being a full body covering, it reduces the sub to less then a pony, it removes any sign of them as an individual, they become little more then a mobile fuck-toy. While not everyone's kink, there are those for whom that is extremely kinky and attractive to play out. The 'tails held to the side thing' is more in what it means then just them looking that way. While ponies are usually naked, their tails would do a good job covering most of the fun bits. Holding them out of the way like that fully exposes them, it's just another level of both making the sub feel exposed and vulnerable, but also making, very, very clear these mares are there to be used.

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Mani, she makes nearly all the art for CTS stories herself.

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NEVER! Feedback is always great. It's food fr writers and keeps them nice and ready to keep writing.

You'd be surprised... I've had an awful lot of varied experiences leaving feedback. Sometimes people only focus on the negative and get mad, or they just say 'k'.

Length as a reason for character choices

While that's true, I still think there's a lot of ways to do strong character work in a short time. Again, I want to point to dialogue in this case as a big missed opportunity, not so much their actions (those worked well). It's not easy to do that though, and it's really barely fair to even mention it, because the dialogue wasn't outright bad. Still, it's something that will improve your work if you keep it in mind next time so I thought it was worth the mention.

I just can't get into Lightning Dust as a character, not for any issues with the writing, but I just can't see her as anything but an amoral, selfish, sociopath.

I won't question why you wrote her honestly, even if I want to. I think it was to pay tribute to a friend and in that case whatever you want, man. But if you think a character is disinteresting or not a good character, ideally you don't want to write them, because they're going to come out as disinteresting, not good characters. I have an awful lot of characters I feel that way about, but it's important to see the best in them and write that version, OR, don't write them at all. I'm known for a Dash story for instance, and my readers would be very surprised to hear that I really don't like Dash. I wrote a version of her I do like. Obviously you gotta keep it in character, but I see a lot in Lightning Dust, so it's disappointing to me to see her written without much passion.

but most of that was just a case of "meh, not my kink."

Yeah kinda? Take those with a grain of salt really. But it's still important to keep in mind the effectiveness of how the kinks are sold. I've certainly appreciated or grown curious temporarily due to skillful writing and use of a fetish. Like in terms of the furniture thing? That's not my fetish and never has been. I doubt that would have appealed to me no matter what you did with it. But the clothing play IS a kink I have, and here it didn't work for me.

CTS asshole

The shortness doesn't excuse this to any degree to me. I'm going to be really firm on this one and say it's a shallow inclusion and only serves to devalue that ending scene. The idea that Lightning Dust has some consequences due to bad behavior is fine. That was not the place to drop that, and it was not the degree of attention something like that needs to be handled.

CTS asshole who isn't meant to be more then an asshole you want to see get his comeuppance on a story.

I want to be clear and say I didn't feel that way. It felt way too transparent for any sort of satisfaction. If anything it feels like a Gary Stu moment for Hunter and made me dislike him right when I was enjoying the interaction between him and Lightning Dust.

Now, two places I do wholly need to disagree, well one wholly, one partially, is on the 'how is that kinky' aspect.

I want to clarify that I didnt' technically say that about the furniture story. I said I questioned it's inclusion. This is because it gets it's own paragraph of in depth description, but it doesn't contribute too much to the whole. On top of that, it's a pretty extreme kink among others that weren't nearly at that level. It sticks out and I wondered why you chose that of all things. It's a nitpick.

The clothing thing, totally disagree, hell if anything, them being usually naked makes dressing up all the more likely to be seen as exotic and special.

I'm familiar with the concept. I wrote it myself actually a few times. I guess that was an aspect to this since they got wet from wearing them but that didn't feel like the focus. I thought they were wet simply due to the attention they got.

Anyhow, the point I wanted to make was that the image of ponies wearing bridles and straps, or even the idea of them wearing it, didn't do much for me. It just feels really neutral, maybe even a little boring. Tails shoved out of the way is good though. If I didn't mention that, exposing their bits is a kinky idea. Also there's a lot of defense of Moondancer's clothes here too and that's the one I didn't really take issue with. I'm more bummed out there wasn't a sexy schoolgirl Lightning Dust, or even just a blindfolded Lightning Dust.

But having said that, the concept is still good and adds to the overall sorta... sexiness here. They're doing it to sorta express themselves, and that's something that's exciting in a way.

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Okay, you seem to have gotten the mistaken idea I wrote this one, I didn't, this was Brony-Wan-Kenobi. He's the one that does the 'Hunter' Series. My CTS stuff is focused on Luna. I was just discussing the story overall.

I do agree, there is a difference between dialog that, isn't bad at all, and dialog that is snappy and just, works. Where you can instantly get into the characters head just on how they phrase things and play off each other. And there were places the story could have had tighter dialog, pacing, better worked some things into the narrative.

Looking back on it, I think a good deal of the places where you had bits that you found not bad, but just, failed to get into or really 'work' for you, might have been a result of the viewpoint and lack of really getting in his head despite seeing all this from there. We never really get how any of this makes Hunter feel, get his thoughts on things, his reaction besides the overt physical motions. The story doesn't really get into how these kinks are affecting him, and so, they can seem kind of.. distant, lacking the 'omph' or connection that makes them really work at getting you into the story and excited for them on a deeper level.

I can see your thing with the clothing kink, the story just describes their get up, and notes how the mares are clearly excited, but never really dives into it.... how to phrase it... the facts are there, but it lacks the essence? The furniture thing, that one I still think works, just cause, it never came off as meant to really be a thing to get you into it or be a draw. It wasn't something the story was even trying to use, just a kind of bit of world-building for CTS, filling in some of the different types of stores you can find, and showing off some of the kinks they cater to, without any real attempt to 'sell' that kink to the audience. It's simply there.

CTS asshole who isn't meant to be more then an asshole you want to see get his comeuppance on a story.

In your response to this, again, miscommunication, I wasn't talking about this guy, but rather a character from Luna's Guide to Pleasing Your Master. In this case, yeah, I do agree with you I think, the idea is good, execution could have been better worked into the story.

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Okay, you seem to have gotten the mistaken idea I wrote this one, I didn't, this was Brony-Wan-Kenobi.

Oh oops. You're right. HA, sorry. Yeah was only on about the last chapter here and apparently that was written by Brony-Wan. I came in for lightning dust.

No impreg in Dragon's Treasure, and only allusions/fantasising in The X Band Collar chapters? Shame, that.

Still, might as well have a look.

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Sorry it took so long to get to these comments as I have been really busy the last couple of days. First, let me thank you such a detailed comment. I always love it when people put this much effort into telling me what they liked and what they didn't. Please don't feel bad for doing this because any author worth their salt wants feed back.

Now, one thing that stood out was that you commented that it feels like I put the mares in this story because I like them. Yes, yes I do. They are some of my favorite side ponies who I wish got more screen time. Yet with that said, I have also written two stories featuring Hunter and how he met each one. There will also be a third story coming up soon.

As for why Lightning is dressed up like that, well there was a reason. One was that I wanted to experiment with a different type of fethish where the sub has their senses limited but not taken away. Also, I thought about Lightning as a character. Somepony as proud as her like to look cool. But this is more fancy showy or being treated like a show animal. It's something that I felt would be more humilitating for her but not too much. In the end I figured this would be the best for her. With the rest of this mall like area, well, I have so many ideas bouncing around this head of mine that I want to write about them... so I put some of them in this story to see if what people thought. Maybe expand on them later or maybe bury them.

As for the jerks, well that sort of thing happens everywhere. A few other people in this group have done similar things. Also it ties into Lightning's story that I wrote for her that I personally think is far better than the Washouts. But that's just me.

If you have any other questions please feel free to ask. And maybe check out my other stories on this site. I normally do romantic clop even for this group.

Then, after that, was a pretzel stand.