Anon Begins

by 23 KM To Nerdiness

Chapter 16: Dorks and Dragons

"So thissss !s the 'Anonymous' hyewmun y0u were tAlk1nG aBout? KinD of UNDERwheLmiNg 1f u a5k mE."

You're too shooken to get offended.

[What. The. Buck. Is that?]

Spike rubs the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes. "Anon, this is Discord." he sighs.

"Di5c0rd wHo?" he asks expectantly.

"Ugh, spirit of chaos and disharmony, the purveyor of pandemonium, lord of lawlessness, earl of turmoil, bringer of bedlam- yada yada. Let's just play already."

"Alri8ht fiNe."

The living Picasso painting snaps his eagle talon and soon the whole room transforms into what you can only describe as 'Nerdland'. It had all of it; giant colorful dice, a grid-like floor, cardboard cutouts, all that jazz.

Everyone else were transformed into their medieval aliases. Spike, a mage, Big Mac, a warrior and Discord...

That flowing blonde hair is pretty majestic, though.

"I am Garbunkle," Spike states. "Level 9 Mage of Spiketopia and Dungeon Master!"

You cross your arms and give him a disapproving look.

[SPIKEtopia?]

"It's a working title. Give me SOME credit. Anyways, this is Sir McBiggun, Level 8 Warrior."

"Sir McBiggun" raises his sword like he's friggin' Dave the Barbarian.

[Does anyone even remember that?]

"Eeeyup!"

"And !'m CaPta1n WuZz! LeVeL 12 ArcHer of Spiketopia, scourge of skele-ponies everywhere!" Discord extravagantly adds.

"Now that you're part of the Guys, let's pick your O&O class."

Suddenly, four large cards appear in front of you, each one a class:

Warrior
Archer
Mage
Rogue

[Whoa! Where's 'Jew'? It's not D&D without 'Jew'. Everyone knows that.]

Being the bad boy that you think you are, you pick 'Rogue'.

Your clothes magically transform you into...basically an Assassin's Creed cosplayer.

"Good choice. Name?"

[Man, so many possible names. It's gotta be something cool.]

"AnonyMaster?"

[How 'creative'.]

The word 'AnonyMaster' pop up above your head.

"Alr!gHt, n0w thAt the Newb!e's set, let's gEt th1S Sh0w oN the R0aD!"

"Okay, our mission: save Princess Schmarity from the evil Squizard!"

Your mind focuses on the name of the games damsel in distress, "Schmarity". Arms crossed once again, you look at Spike.

"Don't judge me!"

"I didn't say anything, bro." you say.

"And how 'bout the way you look at Starlight you shouldn't be making jokes."

You blush at the remark.

---

So far, the game's surprisingly entertaining. Thank Celestia Twilight and friends weren't here, for "Captain Wuzz" expanded the game throughout every room in the castle. It's almost like Dragon's Lair for nerds. The game's enemies, while silly on paper, are actually pretty good...on paper.

Like, 90% of the props, mobs and projectiles are all cardboard cutouts.

Although the limited character movement can be a bit unsettling. Right now, you and the crew have just vanquished the Muffin Lord in the kitchen Valley of Culinary Calamity.

"0nwArd, Guyz of Sp1keT0pia, to the LaNd of Lo5t L!teraTur3 wHerE Pr1nCeSs SchMar1ty is he1D caPtiVe by tHe SquIzArd!"

"I bet it's the library." you whisper to 'Garbunkle'.

"Two bits says it's not."

One 'perilous' journey later

"Pay up."

Spike begrudgingly tosses two bits into your inventory pouch.

Inside, the room is instead replaced with a vast desert landscape, populated by a countless army of flying book birds.

Up ahead, the Squizard holds Princess Schmarity captive.

[Does this lady EVER carry a taser?]

"Come, men! Tonight, we dine on calamari!" you bellow, dagger raised high.

The whole team turns to you confused.

"Cala- what now?" Spike asks.

"It's squid."

"Ew. I mAy hAvE coNsuMed al0t of thiNgs, bUt even I have to aDmit tHat's prEtTy gr0sS." 'Captain Wuzz' states.

"N-Not literally! Squid tastes nasty to be honest- UGH, forget it. Let's just end this already!"

Soon, three books soar across the sky, targeting your party. A large die appears in your hands. By rolling it, you cast 'Triple Strike'. Reaching into your bag of infinite daggers, you karate kick one right through all three who were conveniently placed in front of one another. Upgrading your precision aiming was the best call.

[Man, I hope these books respawn soon or Twilight'll have our heads.]

The three of you venture on until you're surrounded by a circle of graves.

Garbunkle rolls the dice. "I cast Staff Blast!"

Just as the skele-ponies emerge from their resting places, Garbunkle leaps off of MacBiggun, somersaults through the air and ground pounds his staff in the center circle, sending a wave of magic that shatters the mob to dust.

It's super effective.

[Alright, Epic Mickey! Take it easy.]

You and your party travel further to the Squizard's lair when a swarm of paper bats block the pathway.

Suddenly, CW's eyes pop out into his lion hand and rolls it.

"I ca5t 'ScaTter ARr0ws! CoMb0 AtTack!"

The bats lurk closer as CW sprouts twelve extra arms with bow and arrows and aims at MacBiggun. "ReaDy S1r MacBIGgun?!"

"Eeeeeeeeeyuuuuuuuup!" he yells spinning at rapid speed.

CW fires an infinite array of arrows he could manage at the twirling stallion, who sends them raining down on the flock.

"HuZzah!"
"Huzzah!"
"Huzzah!"
"Eeyup!"

---

[I know it's coming soon.]

"Give up, Squizard! Release Princess Schmarity and leave Spiketopia forever!"

[Oh, this is gonna be heartbreaking.]

All of you have finally defeated the invertebrate magician until...

*POOF*

The Squizard turns into a trio of Poombas stacked on top each other and scurry off as the princess fades from existence.

"WHAT?!" Spike hollers.

[Right on cue.]

You notice the creatures have left behind a note and pick it up.

"Yep. I knew this was coming the whole journey."

"What is it?!"

"One of the worst clichés in medieval RPG history: the princess is in another castle."

Surprising how one of his powers wasn't howling because boy, can
Spike scream.

[Why is it that a villain wants to marry a princess to be rich and powerful when they somehow have the money and resources to build ALL these decoy castles?!]

30 minutes later...

"aRe y0u doNe sCreamIng yeT, Garbunkle?" Wuzz asks.

"Whew. I'm...I'm fine."

And so, you're off, travelling from castle in a perilous setting to castle in a perilous setting.

You eventually locate a dark fortress bigger than all the others combined. Somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind told you this was the real deal. Entering the castle was possibly the only easy thing in this stage because what follows after is a fight for your life. From skele-ponies to the book bats, EVERY enemy in the game was present and the Squizard was TWICE his normal size and strength. Cornered on a cliff, all of you make your final stand.

"We cAn d0 th1s teaM! T0getHer!" Discord exclaims. "F0r gloRy!"

"For friendship!" you bark.

"For Rari- SCHMARITY!!!"

The four of you leap into air, swords, magic and arrows blazing. There's only one thing that mattered! And that's-

"Alright 'guys', time for bed. Anon's got work to do tomorrow."

How much of a buzzkill Twilight can be. Soon, your chaotic fantasy melts away as reality returns to the room.

Or balcony, more like it.

[Shoot, did we get THAT carried away?]

"Do I even WANT to know what's going on?" Starlight asks.

"We cAmE-"

"We fought-"

"Ha! We kicked his BUTT!!!" you chortle.

Awkward silence.

"Augh, why'd you have to bring his butt into it, Anon?!" Spike groans.

"That's the saying. It's how it goes."

"That's not how it goes."

"I'm 99% sure that's how it goes."

"It doesn't matter!" Egghead barks. "What DOES matter is sleep."

"Aw, just five more minutes? We're about to get to the good stuff!"

You, Spike, Discord and Big Mac smile at Twilight with pleading eyes.

"Fine. FIVE more minutes, then bed."

With a snap of a draconequus' talon, the world of Spiketopia returns. As the glorious battle continues, a loud sound halts the combat.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE BOOKS?!?!"

You all nervously smile at each other.

---

Author's Note:

8/8/18:
HUZZAH!!!

Di5c0Rd wuZ heR3!

Comments

[Even Evil Has Standards]

Oh brudah.

[Emperor Draxgaroth]

9083711
No my friend, you aren't doing anything wrong, there are sadly just some retarded assholes that are only on this site to be haters and down vote every story they see, it is not your fault that they are gutless dicks, i think your story is great

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

9098896
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
/)

[Matthew Stone]

BEJABBERS!!

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

9326513
Someone DOES remember! HUZZAH!!! 😄

[spiketen]

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE BOOKS?!?!"

GM TSpark has entered the game.
Banhammer radiating Overpowering Vengence.