The Nature of the Beast
Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
Contrary to popular belief, despite the near total destruction of the Golden Oak Library at the hands of Tirek, not all of Twilight Sparkle’s possessions had been destroyed by the power mad centaur...minotaur...ape...thingie. Along with the tree roots that now dominated the chamber of her castle housing the Cutie Mark Map, a few underground chambers deep in the earth had been spared the brunt of the blast that had leveled her original home.
As a result, some of Twilight’s original equipment from her early days of study upon first moving to Ponyville had only sustained superficial or partial damage. Right now the one that held her full attention was the curious gadget that looked for all the world like a straining bowl decorated with Christmas tree lights. It, along with several other devices, had been used in an ill fated attempt to discern the true nature of Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense.
Wiping a bit of dust and soot from it as she hefted it out of a box, the little Alicorn gave a sad smile at the memories that came with it. Save for a few items like this, almost nothing of those first few years in Ponyville had survived, and the long healed over wound in her heart at the loss of the library was given a fresh jab.
But taking a deep breath, she moved on to what would hopefully be a far more optimistic task: learning more about the unusual creature that had dropped right out of the sky and into her life. Pinkie Pie had already run off to gather the rest of their friends while she had taken the creature back to the castle for further analysis.
The helmet was only one of several complicated machines (for a given value of the word, in Equestria most of what could be considered technology either ran at least partially on magic or base sources of fuel like coal or steam) surrounding the bed on which the mysterious biped now lay unconscious.
Fitting it over his head (a few preliminary pokes and prods with a now thoroughly sanitized measuring stick had confirmed enough physical traits to identify the creature as a male) Twilight trotted over to what looked like the lovechild of a short wave radio and a jukebox.
“Alright, time to get started. As long as he’s asleep, I might as well see if I can get a preliminary reading on his cognitive function, if he speaks Equis it’s possible his brain doesn’t operate that differently from ours.”
Her horn lit up as the machinery around her hummed to life, the lights on the helmet fitted over the creature’s head going on and off in a complicated sequence. Putting on a pair of headphones plugged into the machine, Twilight used her hoof to slowly turn the radio dial. Immediately a sharp hiss of static went off in her ears making her wince.
It would be wrong to say the machine she was using directly read someone’s mind, rather it sampled some of that person’s general thought patterns, selecting what seemed to take up the majority of their subconscious’ interest. She started to turn the dial this way and that, listening intently as she caught bits and pieces of whatever was going through the creature’s head at the moment even while unconscious.
“Mmmmm….insert name of foodstuff here….” This was followed by a sound that Twilight could best describe as someone salivating and gargling on said saliva simultaneously. Glancing back at the creature’s noticeable gut, she wasn’t surprised to find his appetite ran deep into his psyche.
Another turn.
“I love you Marge, and not just because you know how I like my bacon fried in fatback” This made her smile, but also curious as she didn’t immediately recognize either of the words ‘bacon’ or ‘fatback’. This would require further enquiry.
A turn in the opposite direction but only halfway. This time the volume from the headphones made her cringe.
“BART! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPIKE MY BEER WITH….AAAAAAH! THE COUCH IS TURNING INTO SNAKES, OH GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE, HELP! POLICE! SUPERMAN! CHUCK NORRIS!!!”
Twilight blanched and quickly turned the dial a few times for good measure. That last one sounded like something she really didn’t want to know the specifics about, though she felt a touch of pity for a fellow Ophidiophobe.
This time what came over the headphones sounded like the creature was...singing?
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor he told me what to do
He said that
Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang!
Twilight had to admit it was catchy. Closing her eyes she started bobbing her head along with the song, joining in halfway through the second chorus line. In a matter of seconds she was bouncing on her hooves.
She was so focused on the song she didn’t realize she was no longer alone in the room with her ‘subject’ until she felt someone tap her on the flank. Screeching like an alley cat, she launched herself straight up off the ground, now dangling from a chandelier hanging from the ceiling as she looked down.
Standing underneath her was Pinkie Pie, along with the rest of her friends. Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy were all standing under the chandelier and peering up at the princess with mixtures of amusement and puzzlement.
“Heh, sorry Twi, we didn’t realize how much you were wrapped up in your ‘experiments’” Rainbow Dash teased as she hovered a few feet off the ground so the rainbow maned pegasus was nose to nose with Twilight. “Looks like your rhythm’s getting better though, that’s definitely worth bringing us over to see!”
Twilight’s cheeks burned at the reminder that her dancing, while definitely passionate, occasionally lacked in certain areas like spacial awareness, coordination and anything resembling restraint.
“I think it has more to do with this big fella then a few new dance moves Rainbow Dash,” The gentle drawl of the orange Earth Pony bearing the mantle of the Element of Honesty drew their attention to where she and the others were already crowding around the bed where the creature lay.
“Awww, this is it? When Pinkie Pie came hollering about a monster that fell out of the sky, I was hoping for something a little more...scary?” Rainbow Dash looked the beast over with obvious disappointment at being denied a chance to trade blows with some unspeakable behemoth from beyond the stars.
“Now really Rainbow Dash, I for one would love to have at least a week go by in Ponyville without some form of monstrosity rampaging through town, the last time we had a monster attack my latest order of dresses was dissolved in acid.”
Rarity, the snow white Unicorn representing the Element of Generosity, had a small frown on her face as she pulled out her designer glasses and slipped them on as she peered at the creature’s attire.
“Personally though I find this creature’s wardrobe to be sufficiently terrifying, I mean really, blue jeans and a white t-shirt? Drab doesn’t begin to describe it! Ooh, but these are interesting, did anybody notice these odd things wrapped around his feet?”
“Uhm...is it okay Twilight?” Hovering over the creature’s head, the last member of the little troupe looked down her face full of concern. Fluttershy, the cream colored pegasus who bore embodied the Element of Kindness, only seemed to have eyes for the trace of a scream still plastered on the creature’s face.
“Oh he’ll be fine Fluttershy,” Twilight assured her before noticing the others glance at her in surprise at her identification of his gender. “I made some initial observations and from what I can tell what we have here appears to be a male of whatever species he belongs to.”
“I can’t say I’ve ever seen anything like him in any of my books,” Fluttershy admitted as she landed and walked around the bed slowly, looking at the creature from a few different angles. “I almost want to say he looks like a species of ape, but the number of fingers is off.”
“My thoughts exactly,” Twilight nodded. “It’s possible we’re looking at either a mutation, or a completely unknown species of humanoid related to the ape family. Of course the fact he dropped out of the sky suggests he’s not from anywhere around here.”
“Is that why his face is like that?” Rainbow Dash asked pointing to the horrified expression still on the creature’s face.
“Actually, that was kind of my fault,” Pinkie, who had been uncharacteristically quiet the entire conversation, finally spoke up looking down with a bit of red in her cheeks. “I got so excited at the idea of making a new friend I sort of, well…”
“He got the full Pinkie Pie Experience in a little under ten seconds.” Twilight said in a deadpan tone. The rest of the girls looked at each other with looks of understanding. You never forgot your first meeting with Pinkie Pie, ever.
“That’s why I made a quick stop to Sugarcube Corner on the way over to pick up some cupcakes. I thought maybe a snack would be a good way to say I’m sorry.” Pinkie Pie said rubbing her foreleg with her other one.
Giving her friend a soft smile, Twilight teleported over to Pinkie’s side and nuzzled her. “It’s okay Pinkie, we know you just wanted to make him feel welcome. But when he wakes up try not to spook him again okay?”
It took all of three seconds for the petite pink party pony to perk right up again. “Okie dokie lokie!”
“Speaking of snacks,” Applejack interrupted looking down at the creature with a tilt of her head. “Any idea what this fella actually eats? Something this big’s probably gonna need some serious vittles.”
“Actually, I noticed that his teeth have attributes pertaining to both carnivores and herbivores, so it’s likely his diet covers a wide range of items for the sake of variety.” Twilight explained.
“Whoa hold up, are you saying this thing’s a predator?” Rainbow Dash asked with a mixture of disbelief and some concern. Sure the creature didn’t look like much now, but considering they only came up to his waistline, it did make her uneasy to think he might view them as food.
“Well actually, what Twilight is describing is called an omnivore, like my bear,” Fluttershy said. “They technically need to eat both plant and animal life to survive, but with the right protein substitutes, it’s perfectly possible for such a creature to live comfortably without ever having to hunt another living creature. Though they do enjoy red meat on occasion, something like fish would work just fine instead.”
There was a significant pause as the rest of her friends looked at Fluttershy as though they were only just remembering that the cream colored Pegasus, often scared of her own shadow, likely had enough encyclopedic knowledge on wildlife that she could have published a twelve volume bestiary in her sleep.
“Anybody else find it a little weird when she suddenly goes from hardly speaking a word to full blown egghead mode like Twilight?” Rainbow Dash whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Rarity, who merely gave a shrug.
A low groan from behind them made everypony whirl around and watch as the creature seemed to be coming to. “Ughh...what happened...last thing I remember was something pink and poofy screaming in my face.”
Sitting up, Homer reached up to rub his aching head, only to just now notice the helmet strapped to his head. “What the...hey what is all this stuff?” The sound of someone clearing their throat drew his attention as he looked down and finally noticed the six tiny creatures surrounding him.
“Greetings and salutations!” Twilight chirped flashing him her biggest and friendliest smile. It was an admirable effort to start things on the right track, but the little Alicorn had yet to face her greatest challenge yet: the unplumbed depths of both human paranoia and human stupidity.
“OH MY GOD! TINY SPACE HORSES ARE EXPERIMENTING ON ME!! DON’T PROBE MY ASS!”
“Wait what?!”
One could only imagine the girls’ utter bafflement as Homer tugged off the helmet, tossed it aside, and then grabbed all the blankets, pulling them over himself and turning him into a quivering lump on the bed.
“...Twilight I’m not saying this to be rude, but are you absolutely sure this required all six of us? I’m not seeing much here that constitutes a threat per say, and I do have a full workload today.” Rarity said leaning in and giving the lump a light prod, prompting a whimper.
“I’m thinkin’ this one might have hit his head a bit harder on the way down then you thought Twi,” Applejack said reaching under her Stetson to scratch her head. “Just what in the hay is he so afraid of anyway?”
To her surprise there was a loud snort from under the blankets. “Pfft, oh please, you think I was born yesterday lady? As soon as your done experimenting on me, you’re probably either gonna eat me or plug me back into the Matrix so you can run your civilization off my body heat for energy. I got plenty of reasons to be afraid right now.”
All six ponies went quiet as they tried to digest this fascinatingly idiotic theory based on little to no actual evidence before Rainbow Dash voiced her concerns appropriately.
“Okay that is, hooves down, the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. And I once had to talk Scootaloo out of trying to get her Cutie Mark in juggling chainsaws on fire. I mean I love that kid, I’d do just about anything for her, but wow does she need a little more sense of self preservation.”
“And really, body heat as a fuel source? Body heat is a side effect of our bodies metabolizing fuel, not an energy in and of itself. You’d be better off burning the glucose itself then trying to gather up enough ponies in one place to generate even a fraction of the energy it would take to run a society.” Twilight said frowning as she started to pace.
“Uh-oh, he pressed the egghead button,” Rainbow Dash whispered to Fluttershy as Twilight started speaking in an increasingly animate way.
“He shouldn’t have done that.” Fluttershy added giving a sage nod.
“And furthermore, that’s not even going into the time and effort it would take to not only keep all those ponies fed and supplied with nutrients for the rest of their natural lives, how are you going to keep them all from breaking out at the first opportunity? Put them all to sleep so their bodies wither away from complete atrophy?! That’s just shoddy planning!” Twilight said her wings snapping out indignantly before she noticed the other five ponies in the room staring at her.
“Ahem, and of course it would be unethical to hold living beings captive against their will en masse for the sake of a fuel source on general principle.” She added quickly. Before anyone could comment a terrifying rumbling growl ran through the room.
“What the hay was that?” Applejack demanded looking around for the source of the noise as it came again.
“Wait...hold on...sounds like…” Pinkie Pie gasped and pointed at the lump of bed sheets. “A rumbly tumbly!”
“Excuse me, but are you hungry by any chance?” Twilight asked as she gave a gentle nudge to the lump only to prompt a bit of squirming away from her and another whimper.
Fluttershy hummed in thought as she watched, the scene triggering nearly every one of her caregiver’s instincts. “Applejack do you have any of those biscuits you give Winona?” She whispered.
“I might have one or two squirreled away, what’cha thinking sugarcube?” Applejack whispered back.
“Just let me have one, I think I know what to do.”
Applejack gave the cream colored pegasus an odd look, but she pulled off her Stetson and rummaged around in it before pulling out a dog biscuit.
Taking it, Fluttershy gently put a hoof on Twilight to step back from the bed as she walked up to it. “Hello there, would you like something to nibble on little guy? It’s okay, you don’t have to come out, I just want to know if your hungry.”
The lump shifted on the bed and slowly turned reminding them of a turtle before a single eye poked out at her. “Maybe,”
“I thought so, you’ve had a very stressful day, and I just know how much of an appetite that can work up. Here, doesn’t this look good?” She wagged the dog biscuit and the eye followed it back and forth.
Slowly, very slowly, a four fingered hand began to inch out under the covers and then quick as a flash, grabbed the biscuit and vanished back into the imaginary safety of Fort Blankie. A second later there was the sound of crunching and chewing.
“Mmmmm….high fiber….”
Twilight started to say something before Fluttershy held up a hoof and made a motion for her to keep quiet. A minute passed before the blankets lifted up and the eye appeared once more, looking at each of them warily.
Fluttershy very gently put a hoof on the lump and began to rub in a circle. “It’s alright, we’re not going to hurt you. We just want to talk that’s all. You really gave us all a fright, we want to make sure you’re okay.”
“...You’re not going to eat my brains?”
“Mmm-mmm,”
“Or lay your parasitic larvae down my throat?”
“Mmm-mmm,”
“You’re not gonna force me to breed to create a slave race?”
“Nope,”
“Good...good because, you know, I’m married.”
“Oh that’s wonderful, why don’t you tell me a little about your, um, partner?” She shrugged at the others, not entirely sure what marriage was like where he came from.
The lump shifted and gave a soft sigh. “Her name is Marge, and she’s the most wonderful person in the world. She doesn’t care if I’m fat, or dumb, or criminally negligent as a parent, she looks at me and she sees someone worth spending the rest of her life with.”
Everyone’s eyes began to widen as they listened while a smile began to grow on Fluttershy’s face. “And what else about her can you tell me?”
“Where do I even begin? She snuggles up with me on the couch when I’ve had a bad day, she dry cleans my underwear so it’s nice and warm when I first put it on, and no matter how badly I screw up she’s always there for me ready to listen and tell me it's gonna be okay. I can’t imagine my life without her.”
“Oh sweet Celestia that’s beautiful,” Rarity gushed, hooves to her face her eyes huge and watery as her inner romantic marveled at what sounded like nothing less then true honest love.
“Except for the underwear pa-MMPH!” Applejack took one look at the hoof in her mouth and then at the poisonous look the white unicorn was giving her and wisely shut up.
“And where’s your wife now?” Fluttershy asked.
There was a sniffle from under the blankets. “I don’t know...I don’t know where I am or even if there’s a way to get back to her and the kids. I’m scared…”
Fluttershy looked like she was blinking back a few tears of her own but she soldiered through and lifted up a corner of the blanket to look at the misty eyed creature. “What’s your name?”
“Homer…”
“Well Homer, if you’ll let us, we swear we’re going to do everything we can to get you back to your family.”
Homer’s voice broke a little. “Promise?”
One by one, all six ponies walked over and put their hooves on the lump reciting from the heart their lands most binding and sacred oath. “Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
Sitting up, Homer pulled off the blankets, and what they saw wasn’t a monster or an animal, but a very scared very vulnerable man who needed friends he could count on right now more than anything in the world.
Meanwhile, Pinkie had been holding in the urge to come to Homer’s side and comfort him to the point she had spent the last two minutes quietly vibrating with pent up energy. Finally when she saw that first small smile creep over his face something finally snapped.
“INCOMING HUG!!!”
“What the-WOOMPH!” Was all Homer managed to get out before a pink cannonball launched into him, knocking him clean off the bed as Pinkie wrapped around him like an anaconda. The others shrugged before they promptly joined in and soon Homer found himself subjected to the biggest group hug of his life.
It was a wonderful moment of trust and camaraderie, which made it all the more annoying when it was interrupted by a certain purple dragon walking in. “Hey Twilight is everything okay? I thought I heard voices down...here…”
Popping out from behind the bed, Homer and Spike locked eyes while Twilight’s own widened. ‘Oh please tell me they’re not going to-’
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OGRE!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DILOPHOSAURUS!!”
This exchange was followed by the sound of a panicking dragon and an equally panicking human barricading both sides of the same door with everything that wasn’t nailed down while a purple Alicorn wondered how many dog biscuits it was going to take this time.
Bet you didn't think I'd update this fast did you? I can't promise it's always going to be this soon to be fair, the Super Nintendo Classic downstairs is demanding I play more games even now, but I'm overjoyed at the attention this story has gotten so far and I hope to provide everyone with a funny but also legitimately touching story.
Oh, and in case anyone noticed and felt like asking, yes I am aware how odd it is that Homer's first reaction to meeting the girls is terror, but need I remind everyone this is the same man who took one look at himself in the mirror while making a scary face and screamed until he lost consciousness? Homer is many things, but an unyielding stalwart bastion of courage he is not 
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My only regret is that I can only fav and give a thumbs-up once.
Okay, I am oddly totally invested now in Homer in Equestria. Bravo!
I remember the Homer cubed Halloween special! This should be some good readin’.
8972314
Well I looked at the usual excuse-er, reasons for displaced characters when I realized there was a perfectly good one built right into the end of that episode! Of course in exchange for magical adventures with adorable ponies he may never discover the wonder of erotic cakes.
It's likely a toss up whether that's a bad thing or not.
Don't be silly, Homer, Spike's not a dilophosaurus! He doesn't have the crest or frills. And can't spit poison. He breathes fire, thought!...probably not helping.
8972319
At least Equestria has no shortage of doughnuts for him to munch! He still better leave some for the ponies though.
The kwjibo is a big, dumb, balding North American ape, with no chin and a short temper.
The kwjibo is an omnivorous species, with a diet that includes many items. Studies have shown that the preferred foods of the kwjibo are pork chops, donuts, and beer.
The kwjibo is normally docile, but it has been shown to become enraged at the slightest provocation. The kwjibo has been observed strangling its offspring.
I'm really loving this story, and the ending of this chapter was hilarious.
Love the TFS ref, but if I can allowed to be anal for a bit, it’s “did.” “You shouldn’t have did that.”
Case in point
This has been another
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/animaniacs/images/2/20/UselessFact.png/revision/latest?cb=20131014024030
lol I needed a good laugh
Definitely facing this story
I just noticed this chapter is called “Nature of the beast.” And it has 3,666 words
8986662
O_O *imitates Homer's distinctive scream* SOMEBODY CALL A PRIEST!
This was really good!
I specially liked the scene with the dog biscuits.
Have a thumbs up.
I loved that ending XD
Only eclipsed by Twilight's 300 encyclopedias. You would think sunbutt could beat both in her sleep but the one time tried she merely wrote 10,000 volumes worth of variations of the word cake. Her dietician made her burn the lot of them. Fortunately for him, he died 200 years before Velvet was born.
9037809
only way it could be funnier was if they were barricading the SAME side of the door and only reazlised it when they started handing each other stuff
Twilight humming along to Witch Doctor might be the cutest thing I've ever read.