Homer+Rainbow Dash=?
Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
Homer stood with his head bowed and eyes closed as, in a rare moment of vulnerability, he turned to prayer.
“Dear lord, I come to you in this my darkest hour. If you have it in your heart to grant this one little request-”
“Homer I’m not against having religion, but are you sure you want to waste a miracle on a seven ten split?” Rainbow Dash asked sitting behind Homer looking over a scorecard. It was a slow day at the Ponyville bowling alley, but the ponies who were there today were starting to stare.
“Dash please, I’m concentrating,” Homer said, opening one eye to look at her before closing it again as he continued softly to himself. “Anyway, all I ask is that you guide this ball to victory, well that and the whole getting me back home thing. And if not, then to hell with you!”
Rainbow Dash’s eyebrow raised at this, watching as Homer picked up the bowling ball, took his position and gave it a good toss. The ball listed to the right as it rolled down the lane, knocking over one pin which hit the last one and made it start to wobble.
Rainbow Dash leaned forward in her seat as the pin looked like it was going to fall over. Meanwhile Homer did an odd little dance as if trying to move the pin by sheer force of will. Eventually however, the pin settled back on it’s base and remained upright.
With a roar of anguish Homer fell to his knees shaking a fist at the last pin standing. “YOU SON OF A-”
He paused hearing someone clear their throat before noticing all of the ponies staring at him, several of them impressionable young colts and fillies whose parents were standing right next to them. Judging from the expressions said parents had, it would not be wise for him to finish that sentence as originally planned.
“...Winona?” He finished meekly. The parents watching him flattened their gaze, but one by one they turned away satisfied they wouldn’t have to wash his mouth out with soap as an example to their children.
“Ohh, why does god keep forsaking me Rainbow Dash?” Homer groaned as he plopped down next to the little blue pegasus on the bench.
“Stab in the dark? Most people don’t end a prayer by telling off the god they are praying to,” The pegasus said as she scribbled down Homer’s score and compared her own. “Don’t feel too bad though, it’s not like I did much better.”
The number of physical sports Homer was willing to participate in was...limited. Speed was not something that came naturally to Homer unless he or a member of his family was in serious danger.
That or an ice cream truck was involved. More than once that telltale jingle had been immediately followed by Homer using the nearest window as a ‘shortcut’. Marge dearly wished she could say her husband had only done this with open windows, or even windows on the first floor.
But there were a few activities like bowling that Homer seemed to enjoy. So even if the sport was a bit slow for her liking, Rainbow Dash had been willing to give it a shot.
Looking at their scores Rainbow Dash allowed herself a small satisfied smile. Sure she had won but overall she had only edged Homer out by a couple of points, hence why she wasn’t crowing about winning like usual.
“Hey it worked for Schwarzenegger. So what do you wanna do next?” He asked as they left the bowling alley.
“Well what I really wanted to do was show you around my place, but it’s on a cloud and I never got a chance to ask Twilight if she cast the Cloud Walker spell on you that lets non pegasus, well, walk on clouds.
“I’m sure she did, Twilight seems pretty thorough when it comes to magic. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?” Homer asked.
“Well…”
***
“Come on Homer, it’s right up this way!” Rainbow Dash said in excitement as she hopped off the big purple hot air balloon she and Homer had used to fly up to her cloud house. Homer stepped off the balloon...and promptly fell through the cloud with a scream.
***
Homer and Rainbow Dash stood there contemplating this in silence. “Okay, maybe we should put a pin in that until we talk to Twilight.” Homer admitted.
“My thoughts exactly. Luckily for you I’ve saved my best idea for last. How would you like a free show and watch one of the hottest up and coming members of the Wonderbolts Reserves strut her stuff?” Rainbow Dash said, looking rather pleased with herself.
“Well that sounds great and all, but who the heck are the Wonderbolts?” Homer asked.
Rainbow Dash just about had a stroke in midair. “WHO ARE THE-” Somehow she managed to get herself back under control. “Chillax Dash, he’s not from around here, you can give him a pass.” She muttered under her breath.
“Well the good news is if you want to know about the Wonderbolts you came to the right pony. Follow me and I’ll bring you up to speed as best I can.”
As Rainbow Dash led Homer to a clearing just on the outskirts of town she began to regale him with the history of the Wonderbolts. Homer being, well, Homer, he could only retain so much of what she was talking about.
“So I’m still a little confused. I get the Wonderbolts put on shows but are they performers or military or what?”
“Ehh, little of both? It’s complicated, see the Wonderbolts are an offshoot of the original pegasus armada, waaaay back when the War of the Three Tribes was still in full swing. However while they follow a lot of military traditions, most of what they do is aerial performances, weather patrols, and emergency response.”
“Wait, you guys had a war?” Homer asked. “But everything around here is so great, what could there be to fight over?”
Rainbow Dash sighed and dropped down to walk alongside Homer now. “It’s true that life in Equestria is pretty awesome now, but there was once a time when pegasus, unicorns and earth ponies hated each other’s guts.”
She looked up at the clear sky deep in thought. “A long time ago before Equestria was even established as a country, all three tribes wanted this land for themselves. Everyone was convinced their tribe was the best and anyone else was three steps above pond scum, and that was on a good day.”
“The worst part is, while everyone was busy fighting, the whole country was nearly overrun and turned into a frozen wasteland by these monsters called Windigo, which were basically ice making ghost horses that fed on hate.”
As surprised as Homer was to learn that even creatures as adorable as ponies could wage war amongst themselves, something about the whole thing was oddly familiar.
“Waaait a minute, so there was this big medieval war between multiple factions that only came to an end to unite against the common threat of frozen undead monsters? Did it end when someone who was built up to be the rightful king had to stab his suddenly insane wife slash cousin and then just wandered off into the woods?”
“Uh no, according to legend in what seemed like their final moments a member of each of the three tribes made peace with each other, and from that friendship came a magic strong enough to banish the Windigo for good. No king, no stabbing, and no incest...at least I hope not.”
“Still would have been a better ending to Game of Thrones then the one we got. Frigging White Walkers get wiped out in a single episode and they kill off the funny eunuch guy.” Homer grumbled under his breath.
Homer sat down on a hill and made himself comfortable while Rainbow Dash took to the sky and began to go through some maneuvers.
She started out slow so Homer could keep track of her but eventually started to put on more speed and do increasingly elaborate patterns.
He had to admit, Rainbow Dash was pretty impressive to see in action. She was performing twists and turns at angles that told every single rule of physics to go stuff themselves. Soon Homer was calling out tricks for her to do, which she was all too happy to oblige.
“Ooh! Do a barrel roll!” Homer called out, but as Rainbow Dash performed the maneuver he seemed confused. “What? No, I said a barrel roll. BARREL roll!”
“That is a barrel roll Homer!” Rainbow Dash called down to him, stopping in midair.
“Really? So what’s it called when you just fly straight and spin around?”
“That’s called an aileron roll! Sheesh why does everyone get those two mixed up? Ah well in any case, it’s time for the big finish: The Sonic Rainboom!”
Rainbow Dash took off like a shot, flying so far off into the distance Homer briefly wondered if she was ditching him. Then she started flying back at full speed, and as she got closer Homer saw something strange.
Something was forming in the air around Rainbow Dash, an invisible cone she seemed to strain visibly against. Then she broke through and there was a sound like a thunderclap loud enough to make him dive for cover with a yelp.
An enormous rapidly expanding display of rainbow light rippled across the sky from where Rainbow Dash had broken the sound barrier, a blazing contrail streaming out behind the pegasus as she came in for a landing and skidded to a stop, leaving trails of rainbow fire in her wake.
“YEAH! That never gets old!” Rainbow Dash cheered. “So what did you think of that Homer? Uh...Homer?” She paused and took a look around noticing a distinct lack of yellow bipeds.
Then it was her turn to yelp as Homer stuck his head out of a nearby bush. “That was awesome! How the heck did you do that?”
“Good question, to be honest even after all these years I’m still not a hundred percent sure how it works,” Rainbow Dash admitted as she got over her surprise.
“Before I did my first Rainboom as a filly everyone thought it was just an old mare’s tail. Then one day during a race I pushed myself harder than I had ever done before and it just...happened. The craziest thing though was that when it happened all of my friends saw it and had it help them find their special talents one way or another.”
“Really?” Homer asked.
“Yeah. Twilight was taking her entrance exam into Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns when the Rainboom caused her to have a power surge, after which Princess Celestia saw her potential and took her in as her pupil. Plus that was also the day Spike was hatched.”
“Pinkie Pie was working on a rock farm (yes that’s a thing and no even after being friends with Pinkie all these years I still don’t know how/why it is) and when she saw the rainbow it inspired her to throw her family a party and discover her calling in life.”
“Throwing parties and making people happy or being borderline insane?”
Rainbow Dash smirked at this. “Yes.”
“Rarity found some jewels in a rock she used to spruce up some costumes she made for her school play. Applejack followed the rainbow back home to her farm after moving to Manehattan to live with some relatives and try out life in the big city, and Fluttershy-”
Rainbow Dash stopped suddenly, her expression slowly dipping down into a mixture of guilt and regret. “Dash? Something wrong?” Homer asked, seeing her sudden change in mood.
“Well, i-it’s just that, while my doing a Sonic Rainboom did help Fluttershy find her special talent, the way it happened could have gotten her hurt...or worse.” She said the last two words in a voice barely above a whisper.
“Uh, s-so anyway why don’t I show you some more tricks? There’s this one trick I’ve been working on called the Buccaneer Blitz that I think you’ll really-”
“Wanna talk about it?”
Rainbow Dash stopped short and blinked in surprise. “Huh?”
“Do you want to talk about it? The thing with Fluttershy I mean.” Homer asked calmly, looking at Rainbow Dash.
“What? Pshhh, no I’m fine, it was just this one thing that happened years and years ago! I’m totally over it!” Rainbow Dash said sounding like she was trying to convince herself just as much as she was Homer.
Homer seemed to...change. It wasn’t anything drastic and were Rainbow Dash not so singularly skilled at picking out even the most minute detail mid-flight she would have easily missed it.
But he sat up a little straighter, his eyes became a little more focused and when he spoke it reverberated with something that made Rainbow Dash feel like a filly getting a lecture from her father.
“Rainbow Dash there’s a lot of stuff I don’t always pay attention to, like the color of traffic lights, when it’s my wife’s birthday etc etc. But even I can tell something happened back then that you aren’t happy about. So you’ve got two choices.”
“One? You can keep it bottled up like my neighbor Ned did for years and years until you suddenly snap and go off on a tangent at the entire town, after which you check yourself into the nearest mental institution.”
“Or two, you can sit down and get it off your chest and maybe work through some of those feelings so it doesn’t twist in your gut like a months old sandwich.”
Rainbow Dash looked up at Homer, a number of expressions fighting for space on her face. “But I...I don’t…”
“Rainbow Dash?” He pointed to a spot on the grass next to him. “Sit.” That was it, that was all he said, all he needed to say, and he didn’t even raise his voice in the slightest. With a sigh Rainbow Dash came around and plopped down next to him on her hindquarters.
As soon as she had sat down, Homer was stroking her hair, and while she started to protest at first, that soft soothing touch seemed to take some of the tension out of her, causing her to let out a breath she hadn’t even known she had been holding in.
“Back in flight school me and Fluttershy were always getting picked on. But while I was used to it, for Fluttershy who has a hard time being around other ponies to begin with it was a lot worse.”
“So I challenged these bullies to a race, you know, to defend her honor and stuff, and that was the same day I performed the Sonic Rainboom which was awesome! But…”
Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and let it out slowly, taking solace in the presence of Homer’s hand on top of her head. “When the race started, Fluttershy got knocked off a cloud without me even noticing, and she fell all the way down to the surface.”
“Oh my god was she okay?!”
“Homer you just saw her a couple hours ago, what do you think?” Rainbow Dash said, giving him a flat look.
“Right right, sorry. Please continue.”
“Well right before she hit the ground, Fluttershy landed on a cloud of butterflies that broke her fall...and no I have no idea how that’s supposed to work either.” Rainbow Dash added seeing Homer arch an eyebrow.
“When I performed the Sonic Rainboom, the noise startled all the animals in the woods where she fell, which led to Fluttershy discovering she could communicate with animals. But the thing was, I didn’t even know she had fallen until after the race.”
“After I did the Rainboom, I flew back to where I had last seen Fluttershy, I was so excited to tell her all about it. Then another pegasus mentioned how he had seen her fall off a cloud, and it felt like the bottom had dropped out of my stomach.” Rainbow Dash drew in on herself a little.
“Wait why didn’t someone try and catch her when she fell?” Homer asked. He was no stranger to criminal negligence when children were involved but that didn’t mean he didn’t have some base standards, and keeping said children alive seemed like a no brainer.
“As far as I can tell, either they figured she’d fly back up on their own, or everyone was too focused on the race to notice. I freaked out and went straight down to the surface and started searching everywhere.”
“When I finally found Fluttershy, I lost it. I just about threw myself at her hooves and begged her to forgive me for not realizing what had happened. Not that she likely understood much of what I was saying. I was crying so hard my whole face was soaked in snot and tears.”
Rainbow Dash felt a small smile touch her face. She had been crying so hard all she could see of Fluttershy had been this little yellow and pink blur through her tears. She remembered feeling a little hoof brush away enough of her tears for her to see clearly. And the first thing she saw was Fluttershy kneeling down to nuzzle her, whispering how it was okay.
“I made a promise that day, that I would always look after Fluttershy no matter what. It’s one of the reasons I moved to Ponyville actually. Even so,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “I haven’t always been the best friend. There have been times where I get impatient with how timid she is, even when I should know better.”
Her cheeks burned red as Rainbow Dash recalled one of their very first tasks working together with the rest of the Element Bearers in driving off a sleeping dragon. She had been so eager to throw down with a full grown dragon, she had chewed out Fluttershy relentlessly for slowing the group down.
And yet when Rainbow Dash had angered the dragon into attacking it had been timid little Fluttershy who had literally stared down the beast, convincing him to leave and likely saving their lives in the process.
“Hey, just because your friends with someone doesn’t mean you won’t hit a couple of bumps in the road Dash. I’ve known this one guy named Barney Gumble for years, but we still occasionally find stupid stuff to fight over like who gets to go into space or who’se got the better snow plow business.”
“The point is you care about Fluttershy and I’m sure she cares about you. As long as you guys have each other’s back when things get tough then that’s all that matters.”
Rainbow Dash looked up at Homer with a smile, giving a little sniffle before she hugged his waist. Very softly, little louder than a whisper he heard her voice come up from down where her head was against his side.
“Thanks buddy.”
“Anytime kid.” Homer said, stroking her hair. Suddenly he seemed to think of something. “Hey, what if, in the middle of doing a Sonic Rainboom you did another Sonic Rainboom?”
Rainbow Dash looked up at him again. “What like, some sort of…” She trailed off her eyes going huge. “Double Sonic Rainboom?!”
“I mean, would that even work?” Homer asked.
“No idea,” Rainbow Dash said before a grin split her face, her wings fluttering in excitement. “But there’s only one way to find out!”
A mere five minutes later Spike was curled up in his basket in Twilight’s bedroom, reading through one of his comics when he felt the whole castle shake, a noise like a thunderclap followed immediately by a second much louder thunderclap splitting the air causing him to fall over with a holler.
“Huh?! What?!” He threw open the windows and looked outside peering up at the sky, just in time to catch a glimpse of a rainbow colored comet streaking towards the horizon at unbelievable speed.
At the very edge of his hearing, the little dragon could swear he heard a familiar voice screaming in pure exhilaration.
“What in the-” Spike started to say before he blinked, hearing another sound coming from up the road in the direction the comet had apparently come from.
“CrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!!!” Homer wheezed as he ran down the street as fast as his legs could carry him. Noticing Spike looking down from one of the castle windows he skidded to a stop.
“Spike hey! Quick question, if you were to go a couple thousand miles in that general direction going, say, ten to fifteen times faster than the speed of sound where would you likely to wind up?” He asked, sounding a little winded.
Spike’s eyebrow climbed until it was practically among the clouds over the castle. “Uh, the Crystal Empire comes to mind, why what happened?”
“Nothing! Everything’s fine. I just needed to know what train to catch. Anyway gotta run!” Homer said before he took off down the road. “HANG ON RAINBOW DASH, I’M RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”
Not ten feet down the road however Homer came to a stop again, hunched over and gasping for breath. “Check that, I’m way behind you.” He groaned.
Spike just watched Homer run off in the direction of the train station giving a slow series of blinks. Poking his head back in he looked over at where Twilight was sleeping in her bed. Thanks to the enchanted headphones he’d put on her, the little alicorn was still sound asleep.
Giving a shrug he waddled back over to his basket and picked up his comic book. “How about that, only two days in and Homer’s already fitting in with the rest of the nuts around here.” Spike remarked as he tried to find where he had left off.
I really had to wrestle with this chapter as, when I rolled the dice and it came up with Rainbow Dash's number (yes I'm rolling a dice as sadly I don't have a roulette wheel handy) I realized she was probably one of the Mane Six I had the least clear idea how they might interact with Homer.
Yet once again I was struck with inspiration to dive into the feels with the scene where Rainbow Dash opens up about her guilt over the incident at flight camp so while the chapter wasn't as funny as I originally set out for, I do think it ended up giving Rainbow Dash some solid character development.
Now watch as I set my dice to the side and cheat a little because after this chapter I REALLY want to do one with Fluttershy, so you can look forward to that 
Anyway, take care everyone, stay safe and hopefully you won't have to wait too long for the next update. I just have to resist the urge to go after Fatalis again in Iceborne for a while...
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"OH my gawd, she's gone plaid!"
tse2.mm.bing.net/th?id=OGC.f9d789546cceae7aa7e03c203ed9a2e5&pid=Api&rurl=https%3a%2f%2fmedia.giphy.com%2fmedia%2fUzviJ6puXA1EY%2fgiphy.gif&ehk=eL5j%2b4efAJJIxPSBfF2ak3%2bL5fo%2bpR9MehPzzzia5Yo%3d
Great chapter!
Excellent chapter as always. Homer acting like the ‘supportive dad’ figure is always nice to see.
Just a small suggestion,but how about doing a couple chapters where Homer is dreaming and Luna takes everyone into his dream? The best part is, you can make it like a Tree House of Horror episode. Just a thought, great chapter by the way.
Ah, the secret episode returns.
Beautiful chapter.
And then Dash finds herself back in Townsville.
Anything, including a meteor hitting Planetos and killing everybody, would've been a better ending that what GoT got.
Back in ancient Equestria, an odd green-pegasus met a very enthusiastic earth pony filly...
This was highly entertaining!
10542139
Indeed.
Loved the chapter, good work.
This is Homer at his best: he may be a goofball, but he can still not only be a dedicated friend, but offer his own lessons.
More?
10551664
More is coming don't worry
10551812
WHOO-HOO!
Im very glad I found this story. Comdy has been medically prooven to improove your health.
And boy, do health need improving this year of the lost 2020.
Im looking at Pinkie Party Planning Cave with Twilights Princess Portals, and Mr Burns complaint, Smithers, Its Doing that again.
And in the Crystal Empire.
Stairs.
Why did it have to be, stairs.
10547592
We're thinking about the same Homer Simpson, right?
10576024
To be fair, I am making an effort to channel Homer as he was in the early seasons of the show.
10576055
Oh.
10543481
Why Townsville? Ashleigh Ball wasn't in 1998 Powerpuff Girls...then again, Lauren Faust did help work on it...and Tara Strong was the voice of Bubbles, which was why she was a choice for Fluttershy before being passed over for Andrea Libman.
10601771
It's a Double Rainboom joke. You can find the video on YouTube.