The Natives are Restless AND Adorable
Homer in Equestria: The Less than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
As much as Celestia would have liked her guests to stay she could only delay the rest of her royal duties for so long. So after bidding her farewell Twilight Spike and Homer returned to Ponyville on the next train, getting off at the station just as the sun was at its highest in the sky.
Twilight was, to no one’s surprise, already nose deep in her new book. Like many people who have a passion for books, Twilight had trained herself to rely enough on peripheral vision that she could continue reading while walking and still be ready to move out of someone’s way if they approached from the other direction.
With nothing better to do, Spike was laying on her back catching a quick nap, snoring softly, leaving Homer at the back of the line just taking in the scenery. Currently they were walking through the part of the local wilderness where the annual Running of the Leaves event took place every year.
For the longest time Homer had spent his life in a town where trees survived mainly by becoming heavily mutated by toxic waste and the air carried the faint but persistent smell of burning rubber. To be in such pristine surroundings was something of a new experience for him.
Speaking of smells, Homer suddenly stopped short as his nostrils flared, catching a scent that, while familiar, seemed out of place in the middle of the woods. Regardless his stomach gurgled a command spurring him to stray from the path as Twilight walked on, oblivious.
Following the scent, Homer came across a curious site. A slice of warm apple pie on a plate lying in the middle of a clearing.
“Ooh, ground pie!” Homer cooed snatching up the plate and digging in without a moment’s hesitation. It wasn’t until the third bite that he paused and seemed to mull something over.
“Wait...something’s off here,” Homer said, squinting his eyes in thought. “I can feel it-”
There was a whistling sound followed by a loud meaty ‘thunk’ as a blowdart seemed to magically sprout from Homer’s neck. “Right...in...my...NECK!!!”
With a panicked squeal he dropped the plate and turned to run, but something was wrong. His limbs felt like they were made of lead, his attempted run for safety more of a frantic power walk. There was another puff of air and another dart stuck in his back from a different direction.
“Gotta shake ‘em...gotta find help...gotta stop speaking in fragments!” Homer tried to throw off his attackers by running in random directions, but as two more darts hit him his movements were becoming increasingly sluggish.
Already out of breath Homer slumped against a tree for support, only to flinch as several more stings impacted him. Turning his head he grimaced at the sight of four more darts sticking out of his backside.
“Heyyyyyy….” He whined before he toppled over and hit the ground like a sack of rocks. After a moment of silence, save for Homer’s snoring, four little bushes scattered throughout the area sprouted legs and approached.
“Wow, look at the size of it! Guess we got to be Cutie Mark Creatures Catchers after all.”
“We didn’t hurt it did we?”
“Naw the mucus from those frogs just knocks you out in a dose that big. Good thing we made extra darts.”
“Well we better take it back to the camp so you can take some notes Critter, come on girls!”
As Homer’s unconscious body was dragged away by the tiny shrubs, Twilight was elsewhere still nose deep in her book.
“Well, if we’re going to be at all safe about opening a gateway to another world, it looks like I’m going to need as many details about your world as you can give me Homer,” Twilight said aloud as she walked. “Anything you can tell me off the top of your head? Homer?”
For the first time in hours Twilight looked up from the book and turned her head. She paled as she realised Homer was nowhere in sight and quickly nudged Spike. “Spike? Spike, wake up!”
“SnnnrrrrRRRRrrrr...aww Rarity you remembered our anniversary? You know how much I like it when you break out the maid costume…” Spike mumbled causing Twilight to blush a little.
“I knew nothing good would come from those cheap supermarket romance novels.” She sucked in a deep breath. “SPIKE WAKE UP HOMER’S GONE!”
The little dragon leapt up like a startled cat with a holler and hit the ground. “Huh, what? Who's gone?”
“Homer, he was right behind us a minute ago!” Twilight said before she scrunched up her face. “Or...was it an hour ago? Ugh I always lose track of time when I’m reading!”
“Okay don’t panic, let’s just retrace our steps. I’m sure he didn’t go far.” Spike said immediately assuming the familiar role of the voice of reason in a time of crisis for the little Alicorn.
“Retrace our steps, okay yeah, good idea.” Twilight said taking a few deep breaths. As Spike hopped back on top of her for a lift she dashed back in the direction they had come until she skidded to a stop. “Look Spike, Homer’s footprints go this way!”
Following them along this new path Twilight and Spike soon found the clearing where he had been ambushed. “Okay so, it looks like Homer came this way stopped and then...wait is that a plate?” Spike looked over Twilight’s shoulder seeing a dropped dinner plate on the ground.
Lifting it up with her magic Twilight sniffed at the crumbs and slight residue still on it. “Some kind of pastry, smells like...apple pie?”
“Twilight over here!” Turning she saw Spike had dismounted once more and was standing by what looked like a trench in the dirt. “Looks like something big was dragged this way, and here, hoofprints!”
Twilight peered closer at all the tiny hoofprints, blinked and then gave a sigh partially out of relief but also partially out of irritation. “Tiny hoofprints, signs of a ruckus, gee I wonder who could be behind this?” She grumbled.
“Okay well it looks like Homer’s not in as much danger as he could be, but we better move fast. I really wish I could have warned him first before he had a run in with those three…”
When Homer came to with a groan, he was on his side, his hands and feet were bound with rope.
“Whazzhaplegning?” Homer mumbled out, his speech slurred to the point of being nearly impossible to understand. Maybe it had to do with why the inside of his mouth tasted like paint and everything was awash in psychedelic colors?
Said colors seemed to take the shape of a tiny dark green unicorn watching him with big chocolate brown eyes. “Easy big fella, we’re not going to hurt you.” She said reaching out with a hoof and patting his side.
The filly had brown hair held back in a little ponytail, saddlebags on either side of her body hiding her Cutie Mark and pushed up on her head was what looked like a pair of goggles attached to a headband she could pull over her eyes.
Speaking of which, the filly’s horn glowed a dull burnt orange as the goggles slid in place and her magic turned a dial, making the lenses extend like a microscope. “Wow, I guess you were right Apple Bloom, your family’s pies do make good bait.”
“Told you Critter, all we had to do was set a piece of fresh pie and who knows what will come running for a bite!” Another filly entered Homer’s line of sight, this one a soft yellow colored earth pony with orange eyes whose red hair was decorated by a big pink bow.
“Well I’m glad it worked, but are we sure it’s really a wild animal? I mean it does have clothing on, and I’m pretty sure I heard it say something before we hit it with the darts.” This filly was an orange pegasus with purple eyes and hot pink hair, her tiny wings giving the occasional buzz.
“What about those Diamond Dogs my sister told us about? They can talk and wear clothes but from what she said they don’t seem all that bright.” The last member of the quartet was another unicorn whose coat was a similar shade of white as Rarity, with purple hair and bright green eyes regarding Homer curiously.
“Well only one way to find out,” Critter pulled her goggles up to her forehead again and cleared her throat. “Can...you...understand...what...I’m...saying?” She said slowly and loudly.
Homer tried to speak again, but whatever the fillies had knocked him out with had some serious kick because all he could manage was “Hassshlefasshlegurghur..”.
“I think it’s either speaking another language or it hit it’s head a lot harder on the way down then we thought,” Scootaloo said tilting her head. “Not sure you’re going to get much out of talking to it, Critter.”
“Yeah, I thought maybe if we could communicate with it we could get in the newspaper and they’d give us medals,” Critter said looking down with a dejected expression. “Guess we better let it go, not really fair to keep it here all tied up.”
‘Oh thank you merciful god.’ Homer thought relief coursing through him as it looked like things were looking up.
“Ooh, I know! Let’s tag it so we can track it down again, maybe next time it will lead us to it’s herd!” Critter said perking right back up.
“Oh can I do it Critter? I always wanted to try piercing someone’s ears!” Sweetie Bell said as she used her magic to hold up a hole puncher and gave it a few clicks for emphasis.
‘DAMN YOU MERCIFUL GOD!’
“Having fun are we girls?”
Four fillies simultaneously stiffened up at the voice that had come from behind them. Four little faces tilted back and saw Twilight standing over them with an irritated look while Spike sat on her back.
“Oh! Uh, hi Twilight, hi Spike! Fancy meeting you two all the way out here.” Apple Bloom said, giving them a wide smile.
Twilight still looked unhappy, but she allowed herself to smile back a little. Staying mad at the Crusaders was like trying to stay mad at a litter of puppies. “Hello Apple Bloom, mind explaining why you have a friend of mine hog tied on the ground?”
“Friend?” Scootaloo blinked and looked back at where Homer was still laying, making the occasional attempt to say something resembling words.
“Yes, this is Homer, he’s from out of town and will be staying here for a little while. Say hello Homer.”
“Heghfhlegha…”
“...Girls, why is he talking like that and why are his pupils so big?” Twilight felt her left eye twitch a little.
Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Bell (who had wisely decided to ditch the hole puncher) turned as one and looked expectantly at Critter who looked positively stunned. “I think that’s your department.” Apple Bloom said, nudging her.
The little jostle seemed to set Critter off like someone tossing a lit match on top of a pile of fireworks. “Oh my gosh are you really Twilight Sparkle?! I’ve always wanted to meet an Alicorn, I have so many questions!” She started bouncing up and down in place with an energy that made Twilight draw back in alarm.
“Do you have to eat more now that you have wings? Are you physically stronger because you have access to earth pony magic too? Oh I’d give my left hoof to get some samples, can I have some of your hair?!” The excited grin Critter had on her face was dangerously close to manic.
A wide eyed Twilight and Spike exchanged a look. “Is this what I seem like to other ponies?” She whispered, to which Spike replied with a shrug and a ‘so-so’ gesture with his claw.
“Well, tell you what uh…?”
“Critter.”
“Oh yeah, Rarity mentioned you were spending time with the Crusaders today,” Twilight said mostly to herself. “Okay Critter you tell me what you girls did to Homer and promise never to do it again? I’ll think about giving you a lock of my hair.”
“Oh! Well not much to say really, there’s a species of frog nearby that when you lick it makes you all groggy and see lots of pretty colors. I wanted to test using it to catch animals for study, and the Crusaders offered to help!”
“That’s right Twilight, Critter carved us some blowguns out of sticks, see?” Sweetie Bell and the others pulled out four tiny blowguns. “Plus Applebloom brought the pie we used for bait, I helped make the ghillie suits and Scootaloo even let us take a few feathers for the darts.”
Twilight was torn. On one hoof she was kind of impressed the four fillies had managed to come up with and coordinate this little scheme. On the other hoof she was pretty sure this fell under kidnapping which really shouldn’t be encouraged on general principle.
Then something occurred to her. “Wait why in the world were you licking random frogs out in the woods?”
Critter shrugged. “The bright colors made me think it was made out of candy.”
“I’m thinking you should lend Cheerilee some books on outdoor safety for her class. Otherwise it sounds like she’s heading for a lawsuit.” Spike said under his breath to Twilight who could only nod in agreement.
“Okay so how many darts did you hit him with?” Twilight asked the girls.
“Well one should have been enough according to Critter. But when the big fella started running after the first dart hit him we were worried he was going to get away so we just kept shootin’” Applebloom said.
“Yeah we had two darts each and I think we went through all of them by the time Homer hit the ground.” Sweetie Bell added.
“Meaning he’s got eight doses of this stuff running through his system, great.” Twilight sighed. “Well we’ve got two choices, either we drag him back to Sugarcube Corner and let him sleep it off-”
“Oh um, if you’re going to do that you should probably leave him with some snacks. For some reason after I licked that frog I got really hungry.” Critter said.
“If Homer gets any hungrier he’s going to put those Parasprites we had to deal with to shame,” Twilight remarked. “Luckily I think I know just the spell to fix him.”
She approached Homer’s prone body as her horn began to glow, leaning down and giving his stomach a gentle poke with it. A strange series of rumbling sounds began to come from Homer’s belly which culminated in his cheeks bulging.
Twilight’s hair fluttered from the force of the enormous belch Homer let out, a dozen big green bubbles escaping into the air until his pupils shrank back down to normal size.
“Well, silver lining to all of this, it turns out that the detox spell I learned in case we had another outbreak of Poison Joke works just fine,” Twilight said, sounding rather pleased. “How are you feeling Homer?”
“Fighnaghn.”
“Oh no it’s too late, we turned his brain to mush!” Sweetie Bell wailed.
“Don’t panic, I think I know the problem,” Twilight reassured her before she turned back to Homer. “Okay Homer? Try thinking what you want to say before you actually say it.”
Homer looked up at her a little annoyed. “Why does everyone keep telling me that? Wait,” He blinked in realization.
“I can talk, I can TALK! Oh god bless your witchcraft Twilight Spackle, I’ll never take the ability to order at the Krusty Burger drive-through for granted again!” He started kissing Twilight’s hooves like a peasant before a, well, princess.
Twilight just stared down at Homer with a look that clearly said she had problems with just about everything she had just heard but wasn’t sure where to start. “Witchcraft? Drive-through? Spackle?!Homer my name is Twilight Sparkle, I’m the Princess of Friendship, not the Princess of Home Improvement.”
Homer paused in the middle of kissing a hoof. “Princess of Friendship? Boy you really drew the short straw when they were handing out titles. ”
And just like that the twitch in Twilight’s eye was back. Especially when she started to hear a certain someone on her back trying not to laugh.
“Something you would like to add to the conversation Spike?” She hissed her head twisting around to glare daggers at the little dragon.
All too used to such behavior, Spike simply gave her a look of what he likely considered angelic innocence. Which it was, assuming said angel was named Lucifer.
Looking past Twilight Homer finally noticed the four fillies standing behind her. “Huh, so I didn’t hallucinate you kids.”
“Nope, Homer I’d like you to meet Scootaloo, Applebloom, Sweetie Bell, and Critter,” Twilight said, gesturing with a hoof to each filly as she named them. “Or as the first three are more widely known around here-”
“Wait wait wait! He doesn’t know who we are?” Scootaloo interrupted her eyes growing wide. “Girls we can do the thing!”
“The thing?” Sweetie Bell asked, looking confused.
“What thing?” Applebloom added.
“You know the thing we used to do before we got our Cutie Marks!” Scootaloo was hopping up and down from excitement.
“Ohh, you mean that thing!” Applebloom said as realization dawned, Sweetie Bell not far off behind her.
“Oh that’s a great idea we haven’t done that in forever!” Sweetie Bell said her voice actually breaking in mid sentence and coming off as a squeak.
Twilight and Spike watched with a growing sense of dread as Scootaloo, Applebloom and Sweetie Bell lined up, while Homer and Critter just looked confused.
“We are…” The little fillies chorused before they took a deep breath, to the point their little chests puffed out.
“Oh sun and stars no,” Twilight whispered, her pupils shrinking. “Everyone cover your ears!”
“Why what are they-” Homer never got a chance to finish that sentence.
“THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS YAY!!!” Birds took flight from nearby trees, animals ran from the underbrush in a panic and more than a few citizens in Ponyville stopped what they were doing to check for thunderclouds overhead as the Crusaders gave a full throated cheer that rivaled Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice for sheer volume.
Unfortunately for Homer, unlike in his dream, his eardrums had no protection this time from the force of the cheer. “OW SONUVABITCH!” He roared, clapping his hands to his ears.
“Oh my gosh, Wynona had a puppy?!” Applebloom asked in excitement.
“Sorry Applebloom, I think Homer was just using a bit of colorful language,” Twilight said as she, Spike and Critter took their hooves/claws off their ears. “Which he really should think twice about doing in front of children I might add.” She said looking a little annoyed.
“WHAT?!” Homer hollered.
“I said you should think twice before using that kind of language in front of children!” Twilight said a little louder.
“I STILL CAN’T HEAR YOU! ALSO ARE MY EARS BLEEDING?”
“I SAID-oh nuts to this.” Twilight lit up her horn and zapped Homer in the side of the head with a bolt of green energy that wriggled into his ear and, after a few seconds and some very interesting noises from him, popped out the other one. “There better?”
“Actually yeah, thanks.” Homer said twisting a finger in one ear for good measure.
“Just how many healing spells did you pick up from Cadence anyway?” Spike asked.
“Judging from how quickly I’m going through them, not nearly enough.” Twilight muttered.
“Um, Homer?” A little voice made him look down and see Critter, who was looking down at the ground. “I’m sorry we, you know…” Her little cheeks burned with embarrassment.
“Drugged and kidnapped me? Eh these things happen. Honestly you kids remind me of the little monsters I have waiting for me back home.” He said with a smile patting her head.
“Wait seriously?” Twilight gave Homer an odd look. “They hog tie you and pump you full of frog slime and you hardly bat an eye?”
“Actually it’s not slime, it’s mucus.” Critter interjected, giving a nervous giggle and rubbing the back of her head when Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Not that it’s really that important I guess.”
“Well at the very least I got free pie out of it and like I said I’m used to this sort of stuff. Heck, my son Bart once got me sent to a mental hospital, compared to that this is pretty tame.” Homer explained. “Though I do appreciate you showing up when you did Twilight. I would have never heard the end of it from my kids if I came home with pierced ears.”
“We’re sorry about that too Homer,” Sweetie Bell said as she, Scootaloo and Applebloom came over and sat down next to Critter. “It’s been a while since we helped someone with their special talent, guess we got carried away.”
Twilight looked from between the Crusaders and Homer before she sighed.
“Well as long as you learned your lesson and promise not to do it again I don’t see why I can’t let this slide just this once. From now on if you want to help Critter catch animals you need to make sure it’s not on any sapient life for the same reason I don’t dissect any life form that can do basic mathematics for research.” Twilight said ignoring the looks she was getting from Homer and Spike.
“Cross our heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in our eye.” All four fillies intoned.
“I do have one question, what’s a Cutie Mark?” Homer asked.
“A Cutie Mark shows you what your special talent in life is. It will only show up when you discover what it is though, the three of us became friends trying to find ours, and now we help other ponies either discover or better understand their Cutie Marks.” Applebloom explained.
“We got ours at the same time, so in a way we’re connected even closer than just our friendship.” Scootaloo added as all three of them turned a bit and showed Homer the near identical marks on their flanks save for a variation in the design unique to each filly.
Homer looked a bit wary. “Uh, not to poke holes in a lifelong journey or anything but doesn’t that raise a lot of alarming questions about whether any of you actually have free will?”
Four fillies exchanged looks as they seemed to consider this, before they gave a collective shrug and a chorus of ‘I dunno’
“Besides Homer,” Twilight said, giving a tiny smirk. “I thought questions only lead to answers which are complicated and often terrifying?”
“Hey that’s kind of like what I told you this morn-ohhhh, clever girl.” Homer said looking rather pleased with the little princess, reaching down and scratching behind her ears.
“What’s with that weird sound Twilight’s making?” Scootaloo asked the others as they watched the princess of friendship turn to putty in Homer’s hands.
“She kind of sounds like Opal when she comes into my room at night and drapes herself across my neck.” Sweetie Bell replied.
“Aww, that sounds sweet.” Applebloom cooed.
“It is, just as long as I keep petting her, otherwise the claws come out.”
“Ouch.”
Hey how about that, the Cutie Mark Crusaders finally made an appearance, guess that tag isn't a typo after all 
But yes a pretty low impact chapter to introduce Critter properly and give the audience (hopefully) a few good laughs. Critter is largely based on the Handler from Monster Hunter World and it's expansion Iceborne, a game I have sunk god knows how many hours into and would happily recommend to anyone looking for a game with some depth.
This was the first time I have ever tried to write for the Crusaders and you know what? It's harder then you'd think, so just as I said before with Rarity, the writers who DO make stellar content with them have my profound respect 
Stats
Page generated in 0.058 seconds
Total duration
1,017 users online
2,170,434 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
absolutely delightful chapter. I really enjoy this story, but I always forget about it between updates
Great chapter!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
10293069
*Squints* Pam, is that you?
Ahh! Homer, never change.
Excellent chapter, had me in stitches at the end.
Oooh, floor pie!
Great chapter...
Maid costume ?
Classy as all get out
We'll talk about this later Spikey
Nice chapter, good work.
10294166
YAY SOMEONE GOT THE REFERENCE!
10294246
It was a good movie.
This story deserves so many more likes than it has.
Good ol' ear scritches
That got me
10294166
10294246
It's a classic
I have a Monster Hunter game for my psp that I almost finished with out any help form anyone as I couldn't find anyone to. Like under 5 quests for multiplayer are left. I did get Monster Hunter world but I realized that I will need more than 3 hours a day that I can only play to get a grip on it. I can't with that kind of time frame. Sad it is. And before I get the iceborn I have to know the maine game first.
But this is the funniest thing ever. Happy I found it.
10294246
I thought it was in reference to the company picnic from Family Guy.
10293388
so much nicer then Floor Spagetti.