Beauty and the Beast(s)
Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
Angel was not a happy bunny.
Of course happy was a relative term in describing an animal referred to by most of Ponyville out of his and Fluttershy’s earshot as simply ‘The Little Bastard’. However there were times when Angel could be tolerant of other living creatures besides Fluttershy, even pleasant.
This was not one of those times.
He had already started off in a foul mood after Fluttershy had postponed their weekly picnic, but now some big yellow ape was booping his nose going on about how cute he was.
Indeed Homer looked like he was having the time of his life. Kneeling down in front of Fluttershy’s cottage, he was giggling like a schoolgirl as he poked Angel’s little pink nose making it twitch.
“Homer I know you’re enjoying yourself but I really, really think you should stop.” Fluttershy said watching Angel’s eyes get progressively narrower the more his nose was booped. “Angel can get awfully, um, cranky.”
Perhaps sensing an impending bloodbath every single animal who lived in Fluttershy’s cottage with her had long fled for their lives. And yes that included the bear.
“Aw come on Fluttershy he’s just a cute little bunny rabbit,” Homer said, taking his eyes off Angel to look back at the pegasus and in doing so made his biggest mistake. “What’s he gonna-”
Homer paused hearing a loud crunching sound. “What the…” Looking back he lifted up his hand which now had an enraged Angel attached to it gnawing as hard as he could.
Homer let out a shriek and began to run back and forth trying to shake Angel off. “GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF OF ME!!!”
Fluttershy tried to fly after Homer to do just that, but he was surprisingly fast when he was motivated, finding herself zipping just behind Homer as he tore back and forth in front of her home screaming all the while.
Finally with a good hard shake of his arm, Homer threw Angel off, slumping against a tree as he tried to catch his breath. “Ohhh thank god that’s over…”
“HOMER HE’S ON THERE AGAIN!” Fluttershy cried out.
Indeed as soon as Homer looked down he saw that Angel had recovered in record time and was already back to biting his hand, causing him to take off screaming for the second time.
It took some time (and the use of a crowbar) but Fluttershy finally managed to separate Angel from Homer long enough to treat his hand. Now inside her cottage she looked over the two of them with the expression of a disappointed mother.
“Now what did we learn today Homer?”
“The importance of listening to others?” Homer offered not quite able to look the little pegasus in the eyes.
“Annnd?” She said patiently.
“And do not boop the rabbit without his consent.” Homer added with a sigh.
“Very good, now as for you Angel,” She turned her attention to the rabbit. “I know we had plans today, but everyone agreed to take turns spending time with Homer to give Twilight time to work on getting him back home, myself included.”
“And while I did try to warn Homer not to tease you like that, I think you could have been a little more forgiving for a first offense like that.”
“After all, I’ve seen little Pumpkin Cake hold you like a stuffed animal and gum your ears without you so much as batting an eye.”
Angel's expression suddenly went from annoyed to mortified, making frantic motions for Fluttershy to stop talking while Homer tried to hold in his laughter.
“Now I want you two to make peace okay? I’ve been really really looking forward to having a chance to talk with Homer, and I don’t want to spend the whole day wondering if you two are going to get in another fight.”
That was when Fluttershy went for the kill. “Pleeeaaaase?” She opened her eyes good and wide turning them into watery green windows into her gentle, fragile soul.
“Oh GOD it’s like the gorgon in that Harryhausen movie, don’t make direct eye contact!” Homer cried, throwing up his hands to try and shield them from such pure concentrated cuteness. But it was too late, he’d already seen those enormous puppy dog eyes and the image was burned into his brain. “Okay okay just turn that off!
Angel wasn’t doing much better, pantomiming a heart attack and throwing up a tiny white flag.
“Ohh, thank you two so much!” Fluttershy cooed pulling them both in for a hug. “Here, let me get everyone some snacks, be right back!” She took off like a shot leaving Homer and Angel alone for a moment.
“Ugh, I’m seriously starting to wonder if this is how I finally die, struck dead by a heart attack brought on by pony cuteness.” Homer groaned as he and Angel recovered, their feud forgotten for now.
Fluttershy came back still airborne, with a bowl in each hoof and a plate balanced rather cutely on top of her head. One bowl was a light salad for herself, the other a bowl of freshly diced carrots for Angel, and on the plate was...dog biscuits? “Here Homer, I remembered how much you enjoyed them the day we met.”
“Ooh, don’t mind if I do!” Homer said, fingers wiggling in excitement as Fluttershy set the plate down on the table in front of her sofa. Before long they were seated together munching away, with Angel sitting on top of the sofa tossing carrot chips into his mouth.
“Now I’m not expecting you to have a full understanding of every animal back on Earth, but if we can see what kind of animals our worlds do and don’t share, even that would open up the door to all kinds of research.” Fluttershy explained taking out a little notepad and a pencil.
“A pencil? Wait, how can you write if you don’t have magic like Twi-” Homer stopped in mid sentence at the sight of Fluttershy taking the pencil in her mouth and working it around to write in the notepad.
“Shomething wrong Hohmer?” Fluttershy said her words a little slurred as she looked up at him with the pencil still in her mouth completely unaware of just how ridiculously suggestive it looked.
“Uhhh, why no, nothing at all! I was just...impressed with pony ingenuity.” Homer said staring straight ahead at the wall. ‘Not a word Simpson. Not. One. Word.’ Came a stern warning from his brain.
The process was pretty straightforward, Fluttershy would ask about a species of animal and Homer would confirm if it did or didn’t also live on Earth. She knew it wouldn’t be an exact process, but any insight was good insight.
“Bears?”
“Oh yeah. Grizzly, brown, black, polar and Gummy.”
“Dragons?”
“Just the Komodo ones.”
“Platypus?”
“The hell is that?”
“Well it’s technically a mammal but it has a billed beak like a duck and poisonous webbed claws.”
“Okay that’s definitely one of yours.”
It went back and forth like this for a while as Homer did his best to answer Fluttershy’s questions as she slowly filled up the notepad with her scribblings. As she filled out the last page she set it down and settled back onto the couch.
“Well from what I can gather, the biggest difference between our worlds is that yours is absent any creatures whose origins or nature involve magic in any way. Aside from that we seem to share a lot of the more mundane animals like dogs, most species of birds, cows-”
Homer’s stomach suddenly let out a rumbling growl at the mention of cows, causing him to cringe.
“Is something wrong Homer? If you are still hungry I can get more dog biscuits if you like.” Fluttershy said wondering why he looked so uncomfortable all of a sudden.
“Uh, thanks Fluttershy but if I’m being perfectly honest I think my body is craving something a little...different.” Homer said choosing his words carefully, an extremely rare occurrence for a man whose brain often had a direct line to his mouth with little hope of being filtered.
“Different how?” Fluttershy tilted her head the very image of innocent puzzlement.
Homer sighed. Ever since he realized he was in a land populated by talking herbivores a certain staple of his diet had lingered in the back of his mind. All the sugar and flour based products in Equestria couldn’t scratch that particular itch but he had no idea how to approach anyone about it.
And if there was one pony he had been hoping to avoid this conversation with more than anyone else it was Fluttershy. She sang, she lived in a cottage (albeit one that looked like a giant Chia pet with all the grass on the roof) and had a posse of adorable woodland critters. She was probably more qualified to be a Disney Princess then an actual princess like Twilight!
But Homer could see in those big green eyes an earnest desire to understand and help him. “Well...promise you won’t freak out?” He asked nervously. He was half expecting this to end with Fluttershy chasing him out of her home and him being banned from Ponyville for life.
Fluttershy gave one of those soft warm smiles that could turn even the toughest of men into a pile of goo. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” She recited even doing the hoof motions.
“Okay...the thing is...ohhh, I miss meat!” He closed his eyes and threw up his arms to protect himself, bracing for her reaction.
Fluttershy...did nothing. She just looked up at him blinking. “And?” There was no anger or horror, she just sounded like she was expecting him to say more.
Now it was Homer’s turn to blink, one eye visible through his raised arms. “Uh...that’s...kind of it.”
Fluttershy made a soft humming noise and then simply said. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it? You’re not going to scream or chase me out with a broom and call me a monster? Nothing?”
Fluttershy squinted at him. “Why in the world would I do any of that? I mean sure I was hoping to avoid any trouble between you and Angel but that wasn’t even close to the worst case scenario I was afraid of. I barely even had to use a third of what was in my first aid kit.”
It was pretty obvious Homer had expected this conversation to go in a very different direction, and right now he was floundering to get his point across. “But...animals are made of meat, you live with a bunch of them, you don’t see the conflict of interest there?”
“Well I’m not letting you eat my animals if that’s what you’re getting at,” Fluttershy arched an eyebrow. “Is that what you are getting at?”
Homer didn’t even need to turn his head, he could feel Angel glaring a hole into the back of his head. “I...don’t think I’m high enough on the food chain around here to try that.” He said carefully.
“I guess I was just...I dunno, expecting you to chew me out for wanting to eat an animal. I mean it’s not like you guys eat meat.”
“Well yes, but we’re herbivores, we’re specifically evolved to eat plants. You’re an omnivore, you can get nutrition from plants and animals. That doesn’t make you bad silly.”
“But Rainbow Dash said you can talk to animals. Doesn’t that make it more like...you know...murder?”
A light seemed to go on in those big green eyes as comprehension flooded Fluttershy’s face soon followed by an expression of gentle compassion. “Oh is that why you were so reluctant to tell me? You thought I’d treat you like a bad guy?”
“Uh-huh.” Homer said his head hung low. The next thing he knew Fluttershy was hugging him around the waist.
“Oh Homer I would never treat you like that. But I do understand why you would think that. It’s not the first time one of my friends was hesitant to discuss something involving animals that was less than pleasant.”
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm. Applejack has all sorts of pests over at her farm that just don’t want to leave even if you ask them to. Of course I do have to keep her from going overboard. She tried to stamp out the local skunk population, only for the rats the skunks were keeping in check to have a population explosion.”
“But nature is built around a cycle of life and death. Herbivores eat plants, carnivores eat herbivores, and eventually carnivores die and become nutrients for the plants.”
“Ah yes the Great Circle of Life. Once again everything I’ve ever needed to know has been supplied to me by television and film.”
“Uhm, I guess? But I will admit, it was a shock finding out about it for the first time.” Fluttershy said looking off in thought. “When I was still a filly, not long after I had found my way on the surface in fact, I saw an owl kill a mouse.”
“Oh it was awful, the poor little thing never stood a chance. The owl was on it in a flash and the next thing I saw it was limp as a rag in her talons. I knew that some species of birds preyed on smaller ones, seeing them chase each other around on occasion up in the clouds, but this was the first time I had ever seen an animal kill another one.”
Fluttershy gave a little shiver at the memory in a way that set off every paternal instinct in Homer’s body at once. There was something about seeing these sweet adorable ponies in any kind of distress that filled Homer with a primal urge to smash everything in sight with a big stick until they were safe.
But given he was a guest in someone else’s home and she probably wouldn’t appreciate him trashing the place, Homer settled for picking her up and settling her on his lap like she was a cat, petting the area of her back between her wings.
Fluttershy had to giggle at this. “Thanks Homer, but I’m okay...though I guess you don’t have to stop if you don’t want to.” She added giving a pleased little noise at the sensation. “Anyway, I was in tears until I saw the owl carry the body back to her nest. Waiting for her were three adorable little owlets, all poofy and bouncy.”
“And as I watched the owl feed her young I realized that she wasn’t being evil, she was just doing what she needed to provide for herself and her babies. As gruesome as it can get, nothing in nature is done out of malice, just survival.”
“Besides, if you have the stomach for it, even at its most violent nature can be enthralling.” Fluttershy said, giving a strange wistful look.
“I mean, have you ever seen a pack of wolves work in perfect tandem to bring down a full grown Caribou at night? The way the moon shines down, the arterial patterns of steaming blood on new fallen snow. It’s almost like some dark work of art.”
“Mmmm, Caribou…”
Angel just looked back and forth between Fluttershy and Homer as if wondering who he should be more concerned about.
“So, if I had asked one of the other girls for like, a steak, that wouldn’t have alarmed anyone?” Homer asked.
Fluttershy snapped out of her daydream and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Mmm, well I can’t say it wouldn’t have been awkward. And if the Flower Stand Trio were in earshot I could almost guarantee some mild panicked stampeding. But I’m sure we could have figured something out.”
“In fact,” Fluttershy said, hopping off of Homer’s lap. “Not only do I have some possible ideas for something we could do for you later on after I’ve done some prep work, there’s something I can get you right now that could tide you over until then. Be right back!”
Fluttershy took off for the kitchen leaving Homer alone with Angel, who was still giving him a wary look. “Look I said I wasn’t going to try and eat you guys and I meant it okay?” Angel just kept staring.
“Ugh fine I’ll do the thing.” Homer sighed as he began to recite the oath. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
Angel squinted at Homer for a moment before he shrugged and gave a whistle. Suddenly all of the animals from earlier were starting to reappear from various burrows and hiding places to approach.
To Homer’s surprise several of the smaller ones began to scamper up the couch and onto his shoulders making little curious noises. “Huh, well this is oddly nostalgic,” Homer said looking at the teeming wildlife.
“Okay I’m going to tell you what I told the last bunch of animals I attracted. Don’t follow me into the shower and don’t use me as a toilet and we’ll be fine, deal?” To his surprise this got an understanding nod from just about every animal present.
“Aww, looks like they are getting used to having you around.” Fluttershy said, looking quite pleased as she came back with a plate covered by a little cloth. “Now I know it’s not meat, but I think you’ll like it!”
The little pegasus pulled away the cloth revealing something that made Homer’s pupils expand. It was an egg and cheese sandwich, fresh and steaming and glistening with the promise of clogged arteries.
“Sweet...merciful...crap.” Homer exclaimed in awe, snatching the sandwich off the plate, watching as droplets of grease dripped off of it in rhythm with his own drool. “Uh...the birds won’t mind if I eat this right?” He asked, noticing how many were gathered.
“Oh no, without a male to fertilize it, an egg is basically just a lump of protein. You go right ahead and dive right in.” Fluttershy said positively beaming at Homer’s excitement.
Homer proceeded to do just that, taking an enormous bite and letting out a deep pleased groan as the flavors hit him all at once. “Oh my god that’s better then sex!”
. “Mmm, debatable.” Fluttershy said with just a hint of a tease in her voice, causing Homer to become the first person in Equestria to choke on an egg sandwich.
You know it's funny, last chapter I struggled because I didn't have as many ideas for how Homer would get along with Rainbow Dash, and this chapter I struggled because I had too MANY for Fluttershy. I lost count of how many times I rewrote the first half of this chapter, especially in regards to Homer's first encounter with Fluttershy's animals.
Still, I think the end result turned out alright, if nothing else I got to pay homage to one of my favorite Simpson gags of all time (hint, replace Angel with a certain kitchen appliance) and I got to delve into the matter of how Fluttershy views eating meat in general.
This was something I wanted to approach for a while as I liked the idea of Fluttershy being fully versed in even the darker sides of nature. Speaking of dark, I'm...not entirely sure how Fluttershy turned out the way she did but hey, sometimes character can take on traits of their own when you aren't looking.
As for the next chapter I'm...a little torn. On one hand I could do a regular chapter with Homer spending time with *rolls my dice* Pinkie Pie. Orrrrrrr, I could give you guys a hilariously out of season dubiously canonical Halloween one that finally delves into the whole 'No Beer and No Tv Make Homer Something Something' I'd love to hear your thoughts along with your general feedback 
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Some People: This story is dead.
The story:
Great chapter!
If you’re going to do a Treehouse of Horror chapter, should you do it in October?
10652365
Yeahhhhhh my updating schedule isn't exactly a well oiled machine is it?
10652365
People are saying this story is dead? Okay mayyybe I should update more often
I was super excited for an eventual Homer and Fluttershy chapter and I definitely wasn’t disappointed!
Everyone really felt in tune with their characters/personalities, making the interactions they had with each other seem entirely plausible.
I’m really impressed with the way in which you portrayed Fluttershy’s comprehension of the food chain and the circle of life. Thinking about the animals she has and her understanding of nature, I now feel this is most accurately her philosophy and it just makes sense overall. (*I can tell you really did your Homework with the characters.*)
Overall, wonderful job and I look forward to the next chapter(s).
Also, the callback to the ‘toaster’ gag had me laughing for a solid few minutes.
Treehouse of horror.
Now that is a lesson to write Princess Celestia about!
Homer may be an idiot, but he normally has good survival instincts.
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As for the choice between Pinkie shenanigans or a Hallowen special:
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Another great chapter. Looking forward to the nest one,
Nothing like a reminder that Fluttershy is adorable.
Her talk about wolves bringing down the caribou was kinda funny to me.
Insta lime and fave on the premise before reading and why do I feel doughnut joes and auger cube corner are gonna have a huge influx in business
I would definitely be up for a treehouse of horror chapter
I laughed out loud for a solid two minutes after reading that! Love the chapter, love the characterization; bring us more please?
There are few things that bring me such joy when reading a crossover, or any kind of fic, to see the characters actully being IN character, and you sir, have made a outstanding job with that here.
Everything that Homer and the main six has said and done i can fully see them actully doing and staying true to their characters
"Execpt for the rare occasional comment here and there, such as fluttershys comment at the end of this chaper, you know the whole sandwich and sex thing."
It's been nothing but a joy to read about our fluffy, yellow, middleaged heros adventures in equestria, i love the humor and all of Homers little quirks and misshaps and how the ponys handle the big lovable oaf, i have pretty much been giggeling, snorting and laughing out loud nonstop while reading this.
Something else that is greatly appriciated is how how you wrote Homers general feelings about the ponys, how his paretal instincts pop up every now and then, especilly when he met the cakes twins, and how much he have come to care for all the multicolored equnies, or as you so eloquently wrote
"There was something about seeing these sweet adorable ponies in any kind of distress that filled Homer with a primal urge to smash everything in sight with a big stick until they were safe."
I loved how well you put it in that sentence, and i do greatly appriciate how you went with Homers more softer and kinder side here than his brute and downright rude side we see on occasion in the cartoon.
Another thing i have come to care greatly for is Homers special relationship with Pinkie, these two just play so well of each other with their penchat for sweets and their shared behavior of acting in a way that most people....or semi intelligent beings in general consider a bit out of the norm.
In short, when i read this fic, it REALLY made my day, thank you so much for writing it, and keep up the great work!
Somehow I dont think Homer managing to treat Angel like Yoda will make it rain donuts.
Thats Discords thing?
The pest part about this is that it could be interpreted as an "it's always the quiet ones" type of joke, or a relatively innocent continuation of the circle of life tangent (babies are cute, and the circle life continuing). Love it.
When biologists first discovered the platypus, they actually thought it was some weird hoax to.
Homer missing meat is so in character for him.
And there goes my image of pure, innocent Fluttershy. (I'm kidding)
(... I gained a not insignificant amount of strange glee from Fluttershy describing a wolf attack as a work of beautiful dark art... did not know that I needed that from Fluttershy. Or her ending line, though that's a different kind of 'mature'.)