Village? Idiot. Idiot? Village
Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
It was remarkable how the events thus far barely made the list for weirdest ways to start the day Twilight Sparkle ever experienced. She’d woken up to a Parasprite Infestation, the sun and moon hanging side by side in the sky, and one time a mariachi band playing right next to her bed (Discord’s idea of wishing her a happy birthday apparently, though she had to admit the platter of grass tacos had been a nice gesture).
That said, the Princess of Friendship still found it disconcerting to be picking bits of broken glass out of Homer as he wolfed down pancakes. After the floor had been swept up and there was no longer any danger of someone getting cut, it didn’t take long for Pinkie, Spike and the Cakes to join them at the kitchen table for breakfast.
Of course Twilight’s first inclination had been to take Homer to Ponyville General, but he had been adamant about staying for breakfast. The conversation was still fresh in her mind if only due to the sheer insanity of it.
“Hospital? Do I look like I’m made of money? Just cast Cure on me or something and I’ll eat to replace the blood I lost.”
“But-”
“Twilight, I am a guest in Pinkie’s home. If her, I’m assuming, family, was nice enough to make breakfast I’m not going to to let a little thing like multiple lacerations get in the way of being polite.”
“Are you sure you don’t want some dear?” Mrs. Cake asked Twilight as she slid a fresh plate of pancakes in front of Homer, careful not to get her hooves too close to his mouth. To Homer’s credit he was using the silverware, but nopony had the heart to point out a fork and knife worked better as cutting implements then glorified shovels.
While Mrs Cake served out plates, her husband sat next to Pound and Pumpkin in their highchairs, doing his best to get them to eat their breakfast as opposed to wearing it. Despite his best efforts with an ever present napkin, their faces remained splattered with porridge as they burbled and giggled.
“I appreciate the offer Mrs Cake, but it’s hard to have much of an appetite picking glass out of someone.” Twilight said, her horn glowing as she did her best to gently pull another bit of glass out and then immediately apply a mild healing spell to the cut.
Princess Cadence would always be the unquestioned master when it came to healing magic, but Twilight was nothing if not a keen study. So even though her own grasp of such spells was still in development, the cuts and lacerations Homer had gotten from going through the window were easy to treat.
“Is Homer gonna be okay Twilight? I know you’re super-duper good with magic, but we don’t have a lot of ponies crash through windows around here.” Pinkie asked sitting on the other side of Homer.
“Well my first inclination would be to worry about any lasting damage or scarring but from the looks of it I’d swear his body is used to this kind of abuse. Even his ability to register pain is out of whack, see?”
To demonstrate Twilight tugged a particularly large piece of glass out and watched Homer continue to eat. Then about five seconds later Homer paused with a bite halfway to his mouth and blinked.
“...Ow, hey take it easy back there Twilight.”
“Sorry Homer, just trying to demonstrate something to the others,” Twilight said patting his back with a hoof. “But seriously, just how often do you get hurt like this?”
Homer swallowed what he had in his mouth and put down his utensils for a moment. “Depends, you mean in general or something specific?”
Twilight blinked. “I beg your pardon?”
“Well when it comes to getting hurt I usually experience one of two things. Sometimes it’s a variation on something that happens multiple times, like household accidents, animal attacks, brawling, and I’m pretty the number of times I’ve been hit in the head is just short of triple digits.”
“Then there’s the real exciting stuff that happens a lot less often. Falling down a gorge twice in the same day, getting struck by lightning, getting set on fire, ingesting poisonous blowfish, oh and I used to do a cross country show where I’d get shot in the stomach with a cannon.”
You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed, everyone seated looking at Homer with open mouths. Well almost everyone. “Well that last one doesn’t sound too bad, it can be a lot of fun blasting people with my confetti cannon!” Pinkie offered.
“Um, Pinkie? You do understand when cannons were first invented they shot things other than confetti right?” Mr. Cake asked gently. As if to emphasize this point, a glob of porridge hit him dead center between his eyes leading to a delighted squeal from Pumpkin.
“Well yeah but what does that have to do with-” Pinkie paused as she connected the dots, her pupils shrinking. “Oh...ohhhh.” She gave Homer’s belly a little prod with her hoof as if trying to see if everything was still there, making him giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Twilight’s reaction was a bit more...direct. “Okay, not to sound ungrateful that your wife hasn’t become a widow or your kids haven’t grown up without a father by now, but how and why are you still alive?”
Homer looked up at the ceiling for a moment in thought before he simply shrugged. “I dunno, that’s just usually how these things work. I get knocked down, I get back up, why bother asking a bunch of questions about it when things seem to work out in the end anyway?”
Twilight closed her eyes and let out a long sigh, just like that the migraine from yesterday was back with a vengeance. ‘Sweet Celestia it’s Pinkie Pie and her Pinkie Sense all over again…’
“Uh Twilight? In Homer’s defense it’s not like we ever figured out how you survived having a flower pot, anvil and a piano dropped on your head.” Spike pointed out. It had been the first time since they had sat down to eat he had bothered to speak. Then again what did he have to complain about? He was getting a meal and a show.
Twilight started to say something before she stopped as a puzzled expression came over her face. “Wait how did I survive that? I mean it wasn’t like I could chalk it up to being an Alicorn, that was way before I had ascended.”
“Oh that’s easy Twilight, you’re a main character just like Homer!” Pinkie said as she popped up next to the little purple Alicorn. “When a story revolves around one or more key people, you can’t just bump protagonists off willy-nilly (least you’re not supposed to because that can lead to a lot of traumatized fans who send lots and lots and lots of angry letters).”
“So when someone like you or me or Homer gets hurt, it only really affects us if it serves the plot. You know, like how Rainbow Dash smashed Applejack’s old barn by dive-bombing it from a couple of thousand feet in the air? She didn’t get a scratch from doing that but when she had to stay put long enough to discover the joys of reading, the injury she got from her stunt going wrong was serious enough to keep her from leaving the hospital until it healed.”
Everyone just sort of stared blankly at Pinkie Pie for a minute as they took this all in. “Well...that’s certainly one theory Pinkie,” Twilight said slowly. “Probably not the one I’d prefer if I’m hoping to ever sleep again, but it’s definitely a theory.”
“See, this is what I’m talking about Twilight. Questions require answers, which are complicated and often terrifying. I find the key to a happy life is to minimize thought, live in the moment, and hope like hell someone else is paying more attention.”
Twilight’s eyes flicked back and forth between Homer and Pinkie for a few seconds before she just sighed. “Okay, there’s a lot in there I want to unpack but we’re pressed for time. Princess Celestia is expecting me to bring you on the first train to Canterlot and we’re going to need to make a stop at Rarity’s place to get Homer some new clothes.”
At the mention of Rarity Spike’s eyes lit up and he dug into what was left of his breakfast with renewed enthusiasm.
“Wait what’s wrong with the ones I’m wearing?” Homer asked.
Twilight’s eyes turned half lidded and dull. “Take a wild guess.”
Homer looked down at his shredded bloody attire for a few seconds until you could almost see the light bulb flicker on in his brain. “...Oh now I see what you’re getting at.”
“Well we better get going then! Thanks for the meal you guys, we’ll see you later!” Spike said as he ran back into the room after putting his dishes in the Cakes’ kitchen sink, he was moving so quickly he was almost a purple and green blur.
“But I’m not done eat-MRPH!” The rest of what Homer was trying to say was cut off as Spike hopped up onto the table and promptly shoved the rest of the pancakes on his plate down his throat.
To everyone’s surprise Twilight was not the first one to protest this act. “Spike what are you doing?!” Pinkie squeaked as she grabbed Spike off the table and set him down on the floor. “You can’t just stuff pancakes down someone’s throat!”
Twilight looked at Pinkie with a newfound respect. “Pinkie’s right Spike, you have to-”
“-Use syrup to soften them up first!”
“...What?”
As Twilight watched Pinkie grabbed a bottle of strawberry syrup off the table, tilted Homer’s head back and drizzled the pancakes still lodged in his mouth. What happened next was comparable to watching a tree stump get fed into a wood chipper. Slowly but steadily, the pancakes vanished in a spray of crumbs.
When it was over Homer leaned back in his chair with a content expression. “Mmmm...force-fed…”
A single strand of Twilight’s hair sprang up with an audible ‘sproing’ and her left eye started to twitch. “Oh-kay well like Spike said we better get going, thank you for breakfast Mr and Mrs Cake bye-bye!” She announced just a bit louder then she had intended, trying to push Homer out the door.
“You coming along Pinkie?” Homer asked not noticing the look of panic on Twilight’s expression. But to his surprise and her immeasurable relief, Pinkie gave a little sigh and shook her head.
“Sorry Homer, I’d like to but I promised the Cakes I’d take care of the deliveries today. There’s a bit of a backlog from yesterday because I rushed off to see Twilight at the castle in all the excitement about meeting you.”
“Pinkie, we know you take your work here seriously and we love you for that but it’s not like we can’t manage for a bit on-” Mr. Cake started to say before Pinkie was suddenly in front of him with a hoof to his mouth.
“Up-up-up, you know the rules Mr. Cake, I made a Pinkie Promise to make up for the work I missed yesterday and I’m honor bound to fulfill that promise on Pain of Pinkie!”
“The hell does that mean?” Homer asked Spike in a low voice.
“You don’t wanna know.” Was all he said in reply.
“Twilight?” Mrs. Cake called from the other room. “Before you leave, would you be so kind as to speak to the mob outside our home?”
Twilight sighed. “Alright but we really ought to get going as soon as I-” She stopped and blinked. “Wait, mob? What mob?”
As far as mobs went it was a rather polite one. No visible torches or pitchforks were present, the number of ponies gathered only numbered about fifteen to twenty, and the expressions worn were a mixture of curiosity and concern rather than fear or anger.
As Twilight looked out the window, she saw Mayor Mare standing at the front of the group. Unsurprisingly, she also spotted the three mares running the flower shop right behind her, each one seemingly competing to look the closest to a panic attack.
“Figures” She muttered under her breath. Daisy, Roseluck and Lily Valley seemed to consider their jobs at the flower stand secondary to their true calling, serving as the source of any and all gossip to be found in Ponyville.
If somepony had so much as a slight cough, you could count on those three to exaggerate it into the beginning of a deadly epidemic before the spit had even hit the ground. A mild debate over what to have for dinner between a husband and wife? Clearly the latest outburst in a marriage teetering on the brink of total collapse.
Yet in a way Twilight was almost relieved. At least this was the kind of craziness she was used to. Stepping out she made her way to Mayor Mare and gave her the friendliest smile she could manage. “Good morning mayor, good morning everyone, how can I help you?”
“Oh, uh, good morning Princess Twilight,” The Mayor’s smile was pleasant but slightly worried. “I’m so sorry to bother you, but we’ve had several concerned citizens report a crash about an hour ago and-”
“Is it here? The monster that fell from the sky yesterday?” Daisy popped up in Twilight’s face as if she had been taking lessons from Pinkie Pie.
“I heard he was as big as a house with horrible yellow skin, who could eat a pony in a single bite!” Lily Valley added.
Twilight wrinkled her face. “Wait if he’s supposed to be as big as a house how would he fit inside this one?” Lily seemed to mull this over, but like a game of Whack-a-Mare Roseluck and Daisy chimed in.
“I heard he walks on his hind legs and the ground shakes with every step!”
“Well I heard he’s got a black hole where his stomach should be and he can eat all day and all night!”
“And just who did you hear all this from?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow. Daisy, Lily and Roseluck immediately pointed to one of the other three with a hoof.
“I thought so. Alright listen everyone, yes we did receive an...unexpected visitor, but Homer isn’t a monster. He’s just trying to get back home and if you just give him a chance I’m sure...he’s right behind me isn’t he?”
Twilight’s expression grew flat again as she saw the crowd draw back with expressions of alarm. Her question was promptly answered by a loud burp from behind her. “Excuse me. So what’s all the hubbub Twilight?”
Confronted with the aforementioned creature who towered over even the biggest pony and had ‘blood’ smeared all over their face, the reaction of the crowd, or to be more precise the aforementioned trio of flower ponies, was pretty predictable.
“Oh sweet Celestia it’s hideous!”
“The horror! THE HORROR!”
“It’s killed and eaten the Cakes and now it wants us for dessert!”
“We’re not dead in case anyone is wondering.” Came Mr. Cakes’ simple rebuttal from somewhere in the bakery behind Homer.
Lily and Daisy seemed to lose a bit of their momentum hearing this, but Roseluck tried to press on. “Oh, uh, you can...still hear their voices on the wind?”
“Hi everyone, what are we doing? Are we having a party? I sure hope so because I love parties!” Pinkie Pie chirped as she popped up between Twilight and Roseluck.
Roseluck’s eyes darted around as she tried to come up with something. “...It’s Pinkie Pie’s ghost?”
Pinkie Pie let out a gasp. “I’m a ghost?! Why didn’t someone tell me? Aww fooey, did I do that thing again where I sing nonstop for so long I forget to take a breath?” Pinkie said giving a pout over her apparently being dead.
“Oh well, I better go cut some holes in some sheets and leave instructions for feeding Gummy, bye bye!” And just like that Pinkie was gone again, zipping into the bakery in a pink blur.
“So...just to be clear, is Pinkie really-”
“No Homer she’s not a ghost.” Twilight said patiently. “Pinkie Pie’s a lot of things but dead isn’t one of them.”
“Nor are any of the rest of us Roseluck,” Mrs. Cake said from behind Homer, her voice rather exasperated. “And as I already told you, even if we were, you still aren’t getting my porcelain hedgehog so stop pestering me about it.”
“It’s the very last piece I need to complete my collection and you bucking know it!” Roseluck snapped before she noticed everyone staring at her with wide eyes. “I mean...thank Celestia they’re unharmed?” In the awkward silence that followed she cleared her throat, cheeks bright red. “Right, I’m just gonna...stand over here quietly now…”
“Here Twilight, let me handle this,” Homer said as he stepped forward and cleared his throat. “Citizens of-” He faltered and covered part of his mouth with his hand lowering his voice to a stage whisper. “Pssst, Twilight, where are we again?”
“Ponyville.”
Homer had to turn his head and give her an odd look. “Really? Boy you guys didn’t really put a lot of thought into that one did you?”
“We were going to call it New Canterlot but that name was already taken.” Mayor Mare interjected. “We were on a bit of a deadline to register our name with the royal cartographers so we had to improvise.”
“Meh, fair enough,” Homer said before giving it another attempt. “Citizens of Ponyville! On behalf of Earth, bah-weep-graaaaagnah-wheep-nini-bongs!”
There was a lot of confused muttering as everyone present exchanged puzzled looks with each other. “What the hell was that?” Twilight asked looking absolutely baffled.
“What, it’s the universal greeting to indicate good will towards an alien species.” Homer explained, leaving out the part where he had gotten this bit of interspecies protocol from a movie about transforming robots.
“What was ‘hello’ considered too complicated?”
“Look lady if you’ve got a problem with it, take it up with Hasbro. It was either that or ‘live long and prosper’ and I can never remember which fingers to spread to make the hand gesture that comes with it.”
Twilight just looked up at Homer a concerned look coming over her face “...It’s going to be like this every day with you isn’t it?” She asked as if only now realizing how much she and the others had their work cut out for them.
“Yeah but as my wife would attest, you get used to it,” Homer said petting her head. The protest died halfway out of her mouth and was replaced by a content noise from somewhere deep in her throat.
With some reluctance Twilight shook off his hand and addressed the crowd once more. “This is Homer, and as you may have picked up by now he’s not from around here.”
“What is he exactly?” Someone in the crowd asked.
Twilight started to say something but paused as a thought occurred to her. “Actually what is the official name of your species Homer?”
“Uhh…” ‘Okay don’t panic. I’m pretty sure Lisa told us this one at least once. It was a big fancy word, what was it, what was it…’
Suddenly a word surfaced and he latched onto it like a drowning man clutching at flotsam. “I’m a Kwyjibo.” He blurted out, then paused as realization dawned on him and promptly followed suit with a loud “D’OH!”
But it was too late, the ponies started repeating the word amongst themselves with quiet murmurs and snatches of conversation. “Is he dangerous?”
Twilight and Homer exchanged a look before the latter shrugged. “Well he’s a little accident prone, not going to lie, but he honestly just wants to find a way back home to his family.”
To Twilight’s surprise this didn’t seem to convince many ponies in the crowd. There was still a lot of nervous faces and muttering. “Okay what’s the problem now?” She asked giving a sigh.
“Well you see Twilight, oh dear how do I put this,” Mayor Mare looked down at the ground and pawed at it nervously. “You gave us similar assurances about Discord. But then there was his little ‘relapse’ with Tirek.”
Twilight stopped in the middle of her reply and looked more than a little embarrassed. “Oh, well okay I guess you have a point there.”
“Whose Tirek?” Homer whispered to Spike who had come out to watch this all unfold.
“This big red centaur with horns who fed on magic and tried to take over Equestria.”
“Magic pony Satan, gotcha.” Homer nodded at this before he cleared his throat once more to get everyone’s attention. “Alright listen, I know compared to you guys I’m a little different, and obviously different can be scary. God knows it scares the hell out of me every time they reboot a franchise.”
“Always the same questions, will they keep the characters I’ve come to cherish as they were, or will they take them in a new and ultimately inferior direction because the new director is a pretentious jackass?”
“But once in a while, every so often if only by sheer chance, the stars align and change brings us something new and exciting. Like a script written by someone who actually paid attention to the source material, or a new actor breathing fresh life into an old character. So I ask you good farm animals, let me be that actor. Let me be your Zachary Quinto.”
“Who?” Asked someone in the back of the crowd.
“Oh for god’s sa-listen as long as I’m here I promise not to take over your world, enslave your women, or eat your children,” Homer said before he remembered what Twilight and the others had said at the end of their promise to get him home. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” He intoned as though being sworn in to office.
The effect was almost instantaneous, the nervous looks in the crowd gave way to expressions of relief and now growing curiosity. But as they started to crowd around Homer peppering him with questions Twilight flared out her wings to make herself seem more authoritative, or at least bigger.
“Alright everyone I know there's a lot you want to know about Homer, but Princess Celestia is expecting us later today and we still have a few errands to run before we can leave. There will be plenty of time for questions later, okay?”
There were a few murmurs of disappointment but the crowd quickly dispersed leaving Homer, Twilight and Spike alone at the front door to the bakery. “I’m...not sure if that went better or worse than I expected it to.” She admitted.
Before Homer or Spike could reply, Pinkie Pie popped up wearing a spare bed sheet with holes cut out for her eyes. This being Pinkie, she had taken the liberty of decorating the sheet with polka dots and a big smiley face.
“I’m the Ghost of Parties Yet to Beeeeeeeee….ooooooooooh!”
“Pinkie, your not a ghost.” Twilight said as patiently as she could.
The little pony in the bed sheet paused in the middle of waving her hooves around and tilted her head to the side. “Really? Huh, that explains why I couldn’t phase through the door. Oh well, on the bright side I’ve got my costume all set for Nightmare Night, back to work for me! Bye everyone see you later!” Pinkie the Friendly Not-Ghost merrily bounced back inside.
“So, which way’s the Boutique?” Homer finally asked after they all spent a few seconds digesting Pinkie’s latest antics.
“Ooh!, I can show you if you don’t mind giving me a lift Homer.” Spike offered. Hoisting him up Homer let the dragon clamber onto his shoulders and hold his head to keep himself steady like a little kid.
“Whoa, is this what it’s like to be tall? I’m practically getting a nosebleed up here,” Spike said as he looked down at the ground which from this vantage point seemed alarmingly distant. Surveying the landscape he pointed in a seemingly random direction. “Thataway, onward trusty steed!”
“Excuse me?” Homer said turning his head to give Spike an annoyed look.
“Uh, I mean, onward Mr. Trusty Steed?” Spike offered sheepishly.
“That’s more like it, come on Twilight you coming?” Homer called back to her as he trundled off in the direction Spike had pointed to.
After one last futile glance to the heavens above for some form of salvation, she sighed and took off after them. “Okay but there better be more petting, if the rest of today is going to be like this I’m going to need something to take the edge off.”
Hello everyone! I thought since it was my birthday today I'd give myself AND my readers a present with a new chapter! Hope you all like it, and feel free to leave lots of comments below 
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Nice
Happy Birthday, dude. The dialogue was hilarious as always. Now I know to also consider Tirek as Magic Pony Satan
One of the best lines in the chapter
You know I'm surprised other humans never think to just pinkie promise not to cause any trouble. Great chapter always fun to see this one update and Happy Birthday.
Seriously I love this story the more I read it.
Uh, no, that would be this fellow here
cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/thumb/4/47/799Guzzlord.png/1200px-799Guzzlord.png
Oh, because Springville is so much more original, isn't it?
Very amusing chapter, I especially liked how Homer used the Oath of the PINK ONE to calm the crowd.
Everyone just sort of stared blankly at Pinkie Pie for a minute as they took this all in. “Well...that’s certainly one theory Pinkie,” Twilight said slowly. “Probably not the one I’d prefer if I’m hoping to ever sleep again, but it’s definitely a theory.”
I like this line. Also Happy Birthday.
As a life-long Simpsons fan (not really a fan of the stuff after season twelve), this has brought me much joy. I hope to see more soon!
I see Homer is a man of fine culture! Good thing it was him that came to Equestria instead of some stuffy bore!
heh, trundled.
I enjoyed the reference to the Transformers movie from the 1980's. :)
9442334
No no no. It's Kirby who has a black hole stomach.
Take that, Zack Snyder!