A Less Than Stellar Introduction
Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
It was funny how even being at the heart of the complete and total collapse of an entire dimension, Homer Simpson found it was still preferable to an evening with Marge’s sisters in law. Yes the slow disintegration of his body on a molecular level was...disconcerting, but even as he kept screaming ‘crap’ at the top of his lungs as he plummeted into an unimaginable abyss, he liked to think he was still getting off easy.
The last thing he had seen before he had started to literally go to pieces had been Bart being hauled back by the rope around his waist, whisking him back to their beloved two dimensional reality, never to be plagued again by the terror that was seeing your own fat ass in full polygonal rendering.
As much as he fantasized on occasion about backing over the boy with his car, it was a small consolation that Bart was safe now. The last swirling bits of detritus that were now all that remained of the collapsing dimension joined him in the slow descent to oblivion as Homer’s thoughts turned to his family in what were surely his final moments.
‘Marge...Lisa...Maggie...The Boy...I’m really gonna miss you guys. Wish I had the chance to see the kids grow up, or just tell Marge how much I love her one more time but eh, what can you do? It was a pretty good run all things considered. I had a family, nice house, can’t say I’m gonna miss Flanders worth a damn but...could have wound up in a worse place than Springfield. Man, imagine if I had settled down in Shelbyville!’
One by one all of his sensations began to leave him in what felt like the gentle unraveling of his very being. There was no fear, no anger, just peace and a growing curiosity as to what came next. ‘Let’s see...Reverend Lovejoy and Flanders always went on about heaven and angels and all that crap, but I wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated? Ooh, I could come back as a monkey! Spending the whole day just scratching my ass and masturbating, sign me up!’
Or maybe this was to be Homer’s final fate, an eternity in quiet contemplation as to the very nature of his existence as a being of pure consciousness. Now more at peace then he had ever been in his whole life, Homer Simpson let go of his past and embraced whatever was to come…
Then suddenly, he experienced a sensation that could best be described as snapping back into place as if his entire being was a giant rubber band. All five senses kicked in at once as Homer had suddenly gone from falling through the void of eternity, to the sudden whistling of wind in his face and the sun in his eyes.
“Wait...face...eyes...arms...legs...crotch...I’m back baby! WOOHOO!” He hollered at the top of his lungs as the clouds around him parted and revealed a jaw dropping vista spreading out before him as far as the eye could see. There was a castle that put Disney World to shame built into the side of a towering mountain peak, majestic clouds sculpted to form entire cities drifting through the air as light as a feather, and right below him a small cozy little settlement on the edge of a sprawling forest. It was beautiful, it was inspiring it was...coming up to meet him at alarming speed?
The joy and wonder at not only being restored to one piece but in the middle of some breathtaking new world was immediately replaced by a far more pressing issue, as Homer started screaming at the top of his lungs and plummeted from the sky like a big yellow rock.
***
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville and for once it seemed as if the citizens might be able to enjoy the perfect weather free of any problems.
They really, really should have known better.
There are certain locations in the multiverse that seem destined to be magnets for trouble until the end of time. Angel Grove,The Mushroom Kingdom, the entirety of Japan, the list went on. Ponyville may not have ranked the highest among such locations, but it was hard to deny the number of monster attacks, natural disasters and Discord-centric shenanigans were well beyond normal parameters (a certain purple Alicorn would be the first one to tell you, she has the graphs to prove it too).
In fact if it weren’t for Mayor Mare’s aggressive efforts to convince the inhabitants of Equestria that it was worth settling down on the edge of the Everfree Forest courtesy of some of the most dirt cheap housing Equestria had ever seen, one would have expected most of the population to have relocated by now.
As a result, most of its citizens had become remarkably desensitized to matters both strange and spectacular alike, so when a certain perky pink party pony started zipping around screaming ‘Twitchy Tail! TWITCHY TAIL!!!’ hardly anyone seemed to bat an eye.
Pinkie Pie was...well honestly words failed to do her much justice especially at times like this. Wearing an umbrella hat on her head, the little pink Earth Pony was zipping from one hiding spot to another, all the while her tail was, well, twitching.
Sitting on a bench Princess Twilight Sparkle, prodigal student to Princess Celestia herself and bearer of the Element of Magic, had only one question on her mind as she watched the pink blur zip and zoom back and forth.
“...Pinkie are you absolutely sure you don’t just have an itch back there? I know your ’Pinkie Sense’ has a pretty good track record, but you’ve been running around for the last minute screaming and nothing’s fallen from the sky yet.”
The pink blur skidded to a stop in front of Twilight as one of her closest friends sucked in a few lungful's of air, sounding less like a pony and more like one of the squeak toys Applejack got for Winona as a treat from time to time.
“But...hahh….must...hahh...warn...hahh...ponies...hahh….falling objects...hahh...detrimental to...hahh...fun!” Pinkie squeaked, proving once again (even though by now it was wholly unnecessary) just how devoted she was to being the Element of Laughter.
“I know, and it’s very considerate how you want to use your, uh, ‘innate abilities’ to warn ponies so nobody gets hurt, but usually whatever’s going to happen when your Pinkie Sense goes off kicks in pretty soon after you start feeling the effects.”
“But...what about the doozy at Froggy Bottom Pond? That lasted all the way through after we escaped from the Hydra remember?” Pinkie countered before she gave a little giggle. “Hee, I sure sounded funny when I was vibrating.”
Twilight sighed as she realized her friend had a point. She’d long since given up trying to explain the exact nature of Pinkie’s...well, Pinkieness for the sake of her own sanity, so there was no sense in pushing the matter if Pinkie was absolutely sure something was about to happen.
Just then Pinkie’s ears pricked up. “Hmmm, that’s funny, and not the ha-ha kind of funny, this is the weird kind. Twilight, do you hear something?”
Twilight blinked in confusion. “Uh, anything specific of just in general?” She looked around but aside from the sound of several ponies walking around town and the occasional snatch of conversation nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary.
Pinkie Pie had tilted her head to the side with an ear raised, one eye closed and her tongue sticking out as she seemed to be trying to pick up something. “It’s a little faint, but it sounds like someone’s screaming.”
“Screaming?” Now Twilight was alert. Pinkie Pie’s hearing had been fine tuned from years of spreading smiles to the point that she could hear a sad sniffle or an angry mutter a mile away. If it sounded like someone wasn’t having the bestest most wonderful time ever, then it was her sworn duty to seek it out and put things right come hell or high water.
“Yeah...hang on...getting a little clearer, sounds like...hmm…’holyshitholyshitholyshitI’mgonnadieI’mgonnadieoohlookarainbow’” Pinkie gave a puzzled hum. “Hey Twilight what does holy shit mean?”
Twilight Sparkle stared straight ahead with a horrified expression, her left eye twitching as her tiny brain began to short out. You could almost see the smoke coming out of the Alicorn’s ears as she struggled to decide what was the more immediate crisis: someone in mortal danger, or Pinkie Pie learning profanity.
“Uhhh...ask your sister next time you see her! Where’s the screaming coming from?”
“Sounds like...right above us!” Sure enough as both ponies looked skyward they could just make out a figure falling from out of a cloudbank overhead, the screaming now audible to Twilight as well.
“Oh no that poor...wait what is that?” Pinkie Pie squinted her eyes and held a hoof up over her eyes to block out the sun. “Looks kind of like a yellow Diamond Dog, wait Diamond Dog’s can’t fly can they?”
“No and from the looks of it neither can that thing! We have to do something or it won’t matter what it is, we’ll be scraping it off the ground with a spatula!” Twilight’s wings flared out in alarm as the reality of the situation hit her.
“Okay uhm...quick use a spell to stop it’s fall!”
“It’s moving too fast, I can’t get a bead on it!”
“Uhhh...fly up and catch it before it hits the ground!”
“Same problem! It would take someone the size of Celestia to stop that kind of momentum when it’s falling at that speed. Even if I flew right underneath it, I’d either pull my forelegs from their sockets trying to catch it or just wind up crushed flat!”
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh...wait, wait! I know what to do!” Pinkie cried as she dove in front of a nearby bush and began to dig into the dirt like a pastel colored prairie dog.
“...And it involves digging a hole in the ground because…?” In spite of the situation Twilight couldn’t help but arch an eyebrow at how Pinkie had her hindquarters up in the air as the rest of her vanished into a hole she had just dug.
Then, still covered with dirt Pinkie pulled out a large brightly colored package labeled ‘FOR EMERGENCY PARTY USE ONLY’. Tossing it in front of herself, Pinkie took a pull cord on the side in her teeth and tugged hard.
Twilight yelped and fell back on her plot as the package then suddenly expanded at incredible speed, the contents revealed to be an inflatable bouncy castle large enough to double as a life raft for half of Ponyville.
Her timing was perfect, as the Unidentified Falling Object dropped out of the sky like a rock. The long shrill bird like scream it had been making cut off as the creature impacted the bounce castle and then launched straight back up into the air, landed on a nearby roof, rolled off, bounced off a tarp and finally did a face plant on the ground.
For a few seconds neither pony said anything, just looking down at the large unresponsive yellow biped dressed in a white shirt and blue jeans. Twilight leaned in and gently put her hoof to the creature’s neck and sighed in relief as she picked up a pulse. Twilight really hadn’t wanted her next letter to Princess Celestia to have gone to the effect of ‘Dear Princess Celestia, I watched something die today, your thoughts? Love Twilight Sparkle.”
“...Well, that happened.” Twilight managed before they noticed the rest of the ponies in town that had started to come investigate the commotion. There was a lot of concerned muttering in the background as more than a few ponies seemed to be trying to figure what had just fallen out of the sky.
“Nothing to be worried about everypony, everything is under control!” She said flaring out her wings and doing her best to project an air of confidence and self assurance. That image was promptly destroyed when she squeaked in surprise as the creature suddenly jolted up with a scream.
“HOMER NOT MEANT TO FLY!” Having gotten over it’s delayed reaction, the biped paused and patted itself down. “Wait...I’m alive? I’m alive! Alive I tell you ali-” The reference to a classic black and white monster movie was cut short as the biped seemed to finally notice it was not alone.
Twilight looked just as surprised as it did, not only because of it’s bizarre appearance, but because it was speaking in perfectly understandable Equis! The little Alicorn’s eyes were huge and shimmering with excitement as she realized what a once in a lifetime opportunity to study a brand new species had literally fallen into her lap!
Homer’s reaction meanwhile was considerably less...enthusiastic. His eyes were darting from one pastel colored little horse to the next, breaking out in a cold sweat as he tried to keep from freaking out. ‘Stay calm Simpson, don’t panic, they can probably smell fear. Just don’t make any sudden moves, and I’ll just slowly, calmly….’
Homer’s entire world was suddenly full of a pink muzzle and wide blue eyes. This would have been startling enough had it not been for the fact that Pinkie Pie had chosen the worst possible moment to demonstrate her ability to defy the laws of physics in the pursuit of fun, popping out from his shirt collar so they were literally nose to nose while she started babbling a mile a minute.
“HIMYNAME’SPINKIEPIEOHMYGOSHTHATWASSOSCARYAREYOUOKAYCANIGETYOUSOMETHINGTOEATWHAT’SYOURFAVORITECOLORDOYOULIKEPARTIESILOVEPARTIESIBETWE’REGONNABEFRIENDSFOREVERANDEVERANDEVER!!!”
His response was, naturally, an absolutely blood curdling scream before he passed out in a dead faint. Pinkie blinked as she looked down at the expression of pure unbridled terror still fixed on Homer’s face before she looked up and saw Twilight was holding her face in her hooves.
“Um...was it something I said?”
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I hope that you write more - this is quite a hilarious introduction!
To the favs and trackin' with you!
8970018
Thanks! Feel free to like and share. According to the internet more comments means I'm having fun!
This looks BRILLIANT.
First chapter's done.
I LEGITIMATELY CANNOT BREATHE.
MOOOOOAR.
8970088
Dawww thanks don't forget to like
Loving it already
I'm loving this story already, I mean who doesn't love the Simpsons.
I'm curious will Homer go through any of the MLP episodes or even the movie?
Great idea, solid start, brilliant title.
Looking forward to more.
I like it already and cant wait to a read more from you. I love the simpsons and I love MLP, so this will be an interesting tale to read.
Have a like, a follow and a favourite
-Frost
I laughed hard! Oh tracking this. Thank you!
Just the concept of Homer Simpson in equestria makes me heart sick.
Now Twilight gets a chance to study the elusive kwjibo.
Interesting concept with a solid intro chapter, funny while showing us the premisse for the story.
In a separate note, this part:
Reminded me of this scene:
Ps: I think I found a little mistake.
I think you may have wanted to say prodigious instead of prodigal, well unless this is an AU Twilight that is a deadbeat or a hyper reckless lazy pony or something.
Homer in Equestria? I like.
Ooh boy prepare for the do'henibg
Noooooo, it's something you did.
Just reading the first few paragraphs I'm already laughing my ass off. Great start!
Oh hell yes!