After the Ghost of Sparta, Kratos, puts an end to the menace in the form of Baldur, and spreads Faye's ashes in Jötenheim, among in his many requests by the dwarven smiths, he ends up in Equestria, along with his son Atreus.
Less. Commas. There are so many commas in this story, making almost every paragraph one long run on sentence. It makes it a little hard to enjoy and find pacing in the story. It feels like Mimir, the Narrator, is always talking as fast as possible and without ever pausing. Otherwise, this could be an interesting read.
Hey man, like the concept, and really hope that at some point you can squeeze in a 'Theme Stone' that plays the (or 'a', if there are multiple) theme song of whoever holds it so that everypony around Kratos can hear the epicness of of the God of War 2 theme which would blow away their little, lame music producing, pony minds:
But, that being said... do you need an editor? Because if so, I'm willing to edit, because you have WAY too many commas and grammatical errors here, man. I couldn't even get to the part that I presume takes place when Kratos and company wake up in their log cabin to start their adventure.
Nah. Illustrations are fine. Why, I think even MLP chapter books aren't immune from them. They can help visualize things even if the pros already does a good job. The problem would be in overdoing it... and the guy's overuse of commas and numerous other errors.
"They do not fight like warriors, they fight, like a group of inexperienced children, who does not know any idea of what true fighting is." He cut the Boy off.
While Kratos (and Sony for that matter) don't really know what true fighting is either, being that the series is closer to that mark, this statement right here sums up why I groan when people say Cannonical Equestria with their Cannonical competance could take on South Africa, let alone a country that actually matters and actually has a decent military.
Yes, a totally fanfictional Equestria that actually has military acumen not usually seen in little girls television shows could likely take on the entire real world and force us to have to use WMDs and space based weapons platforms to have a chance at winning/surviving, but cannonical equestria? Their military is a complete joke. Their modern heroes are complete jokes. Heck, as the pillars of Equestria showed us, their OLD HEROES are such complete jokes that their modern heroes who should be the picture you see in the dictionary when you come across 'rag tag,' 'untrained,' 'unprepared,' half-baked,' 'weak,' and 'undisciplined' somehow manage to top them and have the plot elevate them over those 'old losers,' that the writers ret-conned into existence solely for the purpose of making the mane six look good by comparison.
That said, I'm not sure what challenge you expect Kratos to have in Equestria, since he could likely solo a mob of adult, Equestrian dragons by his and Atreus' lonesome without needing any help from the yokel locals, so, yeah.
Proud to say i read the entire chapter in Mimir’s voice!
My only qualms are that the pacing is a bit fast and that it can be hard to understand what is being described at times.
The pacing issue is more the fact that every “scene” - being shown as a game/movie so mine as well use such terminology - seems to happen in the span of about two to four paragraphs. There should be more time put into each “scene” to establish what is happening more clearly, which will help with my second qualm.
I know the story is being narrated in Mimir’s perspective and as such you have to tell it how Mimir would tell it, but even with that restriction you have to put effort in to make the story understandable. At times I was finding it difficult to understand what was being described or what was happening. I feel that it is a combination of Mimir’s phrasing and vocabulary alongside a poor choice of words.
Both of these things go hand in hand, I feel. The more time you spend on “scenes”, the less rushed the pacing feels and the easier it is to understand what is happening.
If you can’t really get it to work, I’d recommend dropping having Mimir narrate. While it’s a cool idea, it puts restrictions on how you can tell the story, not just in vocab and such but also in terms of what Mimir sees. There are times where Mimir is narrating and describing things he should not be aware of, because he cannot see them. This is especially apparent when you keep describing Kratos’ responses, referring to his expressions and actions. Mimir is hung from Kratos’ belt facing backwards to the right, and as such cannot see Kratos’ face.
Always like Mimir, always a funny lad!
As for you, good sir/madam, keep it up! This story is amazing so far!
Liked the opening credits gag.
That was epic! I already favorited it even before I read it.
I have only one tip.
Less. Commas. There are so many commas in this story, making almost every paragraph one long run on sentence. It makes it a little hard to enjoy and find pacing in the story. It feels like Mimir, the Narrator, is always talking as fast as possible and without ever pausing. Otherwise, this could be an interesting read.
As soon as I saw this, I Favorited and liked it. God of War was my childhood. I hope this story keeps going for a long while.
Way too many commas.
Some of the pictures are broken or not showing, you may have to fix that.
This is genuinely hard to read.
Holy mother of Commas...
I CANNOT BELIVE THIS! I LOVE IT!!!!
Hopefully Kratos won't die from the deadliest weapon of all; cuteness.
8906717
That is true Is is quid funny
Amazing firs attempt, I'd exclude images tho unless they are crutal to the story.
Hey man, like the concept, and really hope that at some point you can squeeze in a 'Theme Stone' that plays the (or 'a', if there are multiple) theme song of whoever holds it so that everypony around Kratos can hear the epicness of of the God of War 2 theme which would blow away their little, lame music producing, pony minds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVljywxAjH0
But, that being said... do you need an editor? Because if so, I'm willing to edit, because you have WAY too many commas and grammatical errors here, man. I couldn't even get to the part that I presume takes place when Kratos and company wake up in their log cabin to start their adventure.
8910554
Nah. Illustrations are fine. Why, I think even MLP chapter books aren't immune from them. They can help visualize things even if the pros already does a good job. The problem would be in overdoing it... and the guy's overuse of commas and numerous other errors.
Interesting start. I'll track this.
BOY!
8912491
Boy I said boy!
pbs.twimg.com/media/Dbh_7ToX0AAPvhR.jpg
While Kratos (and Sony for that matter) don't really know what true fighting is either, being that the series is closer to that mark, this statement right here sums up why I groan when people say Cannonical Equestria with their Cannonical competance could take on South Africa, let alone a country that actually matters and actually has a decent military.
Yes, a totally fanfictional Equestria that actually has military acumen not usually seen in little girls television shows could likely take on the entire real world and force us to have to use WMDs and space based weapons platforms to have a chance at winning/surviving, but cannonical equestria? Their military is a complete joke. Their modern heroes are complete jokes. Heck, as the pillars of Equestria showed us, their OLD HEROES are such complete jokes that their modern heroes who should be the picture you see in the dictionary when you come across 'rag tag,' 'untrained,' 'unprepared,' half-baked,' 'weak,' and 'undisciplined' somehow manage to top them and have the plot elevate them over those 'old losers,' that the writers ret-conned into existence solely for the purpose of making the mane six look good by comparison.
That said, I'm not sure what challenge you expect Kratos to have in Equestria, since he could likely solo a mob of adult, Equestrian dragons by his and Atreus' lonesome without needing any help from the yokel locals, so, yeah.
Danm i love the narration style good job brother
Proud to say i read the entire chapter in Mimir’s voice!
My only qualms are that the pacing is a bit fast and that it can be hard to understand what is being described at times.
The pacing issue is more the fact that every “scene” - being shown as a game/movie so mine as well use such terminology - seems to happen in the span of about two to four paragraphs. There should be more time put into each “scene” to establish what is happening more clearly, which will help with my second qualm.
I know the story is being narrated in Mimir’s perspective and as such you have to tell it how Mimir would tell it, but even with that restriction you have to put effort in to make the story understandable. At times I was finding it difficult to understand what was being described or what was happening. I feel that it is a combination of Mimir’s phrasing and vocabulary alongside a poor choice of words.
Both of these things go hand in hand, I feel. The more time you spend on “scenes”, the less rushed the pacing feels and the easier it is to understand what is happening.
If you can’t really get it to work, I’d recommend dropping having Mimir narrate. While it’s a cool idea, it puts restrictions on how you can tell the story, not just in vocab and such but also in terms of what Mimir sees. There are times where Mimir is narrating and describing things he should not be aware of, because he cannot see them. This is especially apparent when you keep describing Kratos’ responses, referring to his expressions and actions. Mimir is hung from Kratos’ belt facing backwards to the right, and as such cannot see Kratos’ face.
8936348
Was this before or after my edits?
8941996
Almost all of it.
8941996
What do you mean?
Interesting start
8946237
Thank ya.
wow, a whole 1 minute 35 seconds of logo's in a book, color me surprised
Atreus doesn't have his mom's knife anymore. He sacrificed it to stop a booby trap in Tyr's storeroom. Kratos made the one he has right now.
Isn't it illegal to claim it?