After coming to terms with being a "Forever Foal", Spike has come to the conclusion that this is a secret he must carry to his grave. Will Spike be successful or will he be caught?
Honestly I'm very impressed in how you had Spike handle the situation. Desperation makes you do absolutely ridiculous things. It's likely he didn't put a whole lot of thought into buying the magazine as a backup plan beyond having knowledge that they exist along with how they are not meant for younger audiences. Moreover is the response he knows Twilight would have would be to assume how nothing could be more 'secret' than hiding how he is 'getting off' on looking at mares in erotic poses. He knows he'd catch a lot of anger for having such a magazine but it would certainly keep any further guessing on the girls' part, especially Twilight, off his real secret.
There's also, likely, a more unknown reason for the magazine. Perhaps part of him is hoping that getting caught with it will get Twilight to pay more attention to him? Maybe knowing he's doing such things under her nose may make her realize how little time she has been spending with him without it involving official princess work? If Twilight handles it right, which she likely won't for how she tends to make situations far worse before she makes them better, she could nip the whole diaper-thing in the bud by just giving Spike what he really-truly wants.
You're getting TONS better with writing multiple characters in a chapter. This sounded lots more natural than Chapter 2. Definitely epic progress in a very short period of time. You should be proud of how far you are coming as a writer through posting your work out here. Well done! :)
Thank you for the kind comments! I felt like I wrote the characters the same way I had before but I'm glad you think I've made progress. While I would like to make Spike get away with this little scheme he planned, I can't just let an adorable padded dragon NOT be noticed for his cuteness. For those who want know a small bit about next chapter and what it entails... Spoiler: There will be a flaw in his plan which will make the others suspicious once again.
I really enjoyed writing how Spike feels about the situation and how he treats it like a "game" of sorts. He does something so crazy because he is so focused on keeping his secret while simply trying to "win" but there is more to it. Even though Spike has a way to relax, he is still bored since he can't diaper up often and doesn't do anything else for fun since he is always working. The way I think about it, even though Spike is genuinely scared of being found out he wants the situation to be entertaining to him which makes him think less rationally. This is mainly because he his young and doesn't think about the consequences of trying to make a serious situation into a game. Twilight on the other hand/hoof plans things out as a strategist who solely wants to complete a goal when given to her. When she plans, she isn't interested in playing games or having fun, however, this makes her the perfect challenger in Spikes "game" even though she doesn't realize it. Just like you stated, Spike wants attention and he wants Twilight to notice him but not know everything about him which is one of the ways I came up with this chapter to begin with. Even though this may seem like it was written as a simple chapter, I had more of a complex thought process behind it rather then just a continuation to the story.
Hey, I'm going to give feedback which isn't something I usually do. I have a friend who write fanfiction and they are constantly telling me how valuable feedback is to them, so here goes.
Firstly, I'm really enjoying this fic. I think when I was around the mental maturity of spike I would have done some ludicrous things to keep my secret. Perhaps not buying porn ludicrous, but I can see that happening. The frustration with enjoying infantalism (aka ABDL things. I prefer this term, personally) having a safe place to express it, but feeling shame and fear about what you're doing is a difficult thing to reconcile and cope with. You're doing a pretty good job at showing Spike struggle with that: the urgency of his desires, vs. the urgency of them staying secret.
I'd like to mention some stylistic stuff; This is completely up to you whether or not you want to change it. Whatever you do it'll still work, I'm sure.
Something that you might benefit from is taking your post-dialogue statements and shortening them down. (Excuse me if I'm not well versed in grammatical phrases) As well as excluding the exact direction of the dialogue
Take, for example (Which, by the way you forgot to close your quote here): "'Nopony cares about that Dashie. What we should care about is how I don't have any clue on what kind of party to make now! What am I gonna do?!' Pinkie Pie said to the rainbow mare sadly."
This seems to read better for me: "'Nopony cares about that Dashie. What we should care about is how I don't have any clue on what kind of party to make now! What am I gonna do?!' Pinkie Pie {sighed/complained}"
Taking that sentence in context it makes perfect sense. In Pinkie's dialogue she addresses Rainbow Dash, so we don't have to add that in later (and this is also established in context of other dialogue). Replacing sadly with a verb of some sort cuts down the old "He said, she said" progression, and in my opinion allows you to express the emotion in a more detailed manner: i.e.,: "Hell no!" He said angrily "Hell no!" He spat
"Don't leave me" he said pitifully "Don't leave me" he whimpered
Which one paints a more clear picture in your mind?
Again, this is something stylistic so take it with a grain of salt. I wouldn't condone using a verb at every opportunity, since it can get a little same-y
"Hell no!" he spat "Why not?!" she cried "Because!" he exclaimed
Doesn't really sound fantastic. You do a good job in varying your dialogue descriptors though. Just a suggestion.
As far as the characters and writing go: You're doing a really good job representing (what I remember of) the characters. Nothing seems to be terribly amiss. I appreciate that you haven't broken the 4th wall with Pinkie, because that's pretty overdone on this site in my opinion. (Which apparently is a thing that I see a lot and now realize it may just be me.) The conversation flows pretty well, although occasionally it seems out of place, and why that is I can't quite put my finger on.
Honestly I thought I had more, but I really don't. I think you're doing a good job at scene setting, and you express Spikes thoughts well. I felt stressed when the Mane 6 were grilling him, so well done.
You had best not disappear forever now. God knows that happens to too many good fics on this site. Best of luck writing and I hope you have a fantastic time doing so.
8788791 Thank you for the positive feedback, the suggestions, and for noting that mistake I made! Your friend is absolutely correct. Feedback is what helps others improve and can inspire others. I actually really liked your suggestions and I hope to try using them more (so long as I don't forget for some odd reason). The stylistic stuff is something I've seen a lot of in other stories so I'm not sure why I didn't add them before... At least I know now though!
I don't plan on disappearing anytime soon since I personally hate the idea of leaving a story unfinished and dislike when a good read ends without closure of some kind. Thank you again for your comment, I very much appreciated it! ~Sincerely Jordan Olson
Honestly I'm very impressed in how you had Spike handle the situation. Desperation makes you do absolutely ridiculous things. It's likely he didn't put a whole lot of thought into buying the magazine as a backup plan beyond having knowledge that they exist along with how they are not meant for younger audiences. Moreover is the response he knows Twilight would have would be to assume how nothing could be more 'secret' than hiding how he is 'getting off' on looking at mares in erotic poses. He knows he'd catch a lot of anger for having such a magazine but it would certainly keep any further guessing on the girls' part, especially Twilight, off his real secret.
There's also, likely, a more unknown reason for the magazine. Perhaps part of him is hoping that getting caught with it will get Twilight to pay more attention to him? Maybe knowing he's doing such things under her nose may make her realize how little time she has been spending with him without it involving official princess work? If Twilight handles it right, which she likely won't for how she tends to make situations far worse before she makes them better, she could nip the whole diaper-thing in the bud by just giving Spike what he really-truly wants.
You're getting TONS better with writing multiple characters in a chapter. This sounded lots more natural than Chapter 2. Definitely epic progress in a very short period of time. You should be proud of how far you are coming as a writer through posting your work out here. Well done! :)
Thank you for the kind comments! I felt like I wrote the characters the same way I had before but I'm glad you think I've made progress.
While I would like to make Spike get away with this little scheme he planned, I can't just let an adorable padded dragon NOT be noticed for his cuteness. For those who want know a small bit about next chapter and what it entails... Spoiler: There will be a flaw in his plan which will make the others suspicious once again.
I really enjoyed writing how Spike feels about the situation and how he treats it like a "game" of sorts. He does something so crazy because he is so focused on keeping his secret while simply trying to "win" but there is more to it. Even though Spike has a way to relax, he is still bored since he can't diaper up often and doesn't do anything else for fun since he is always working. The way I think about it, even though Spike is genuinely scared of being found out he wants the situation to be entertaining to him which makes him think less rationally. This is mainly because he his young and doesn't think about the consequences of trying to make a serious situation into a game. Twilight on the other hand/hoof plans things out as a strategist who solely wants to complete a goal when given to her. When she plans, she isn't interested in playing games or having fun, however, this makes her the perfect challenger in Spikes "game" even though she doesn't realize it.
Just like you stated, Spike wants attention and he wants Twilight to notice him but not know everything about him which is one of the ways I came up with this chapter to begin with.
Even though this may seem like it was written as a simple chapter, I had more of a complex thought process behind it rather then just a continuation to the story.
Hey, I'm going to give feedback which isn't something I usually do. I have a friend who write fanfiction and they are constantly telling me how valuable feedback is to them, so here goes.
Firstly, I'm really enjoying this fic. I think when I was around the mental maturity of spike I would have done some ludicrous things to keep my secret. Perhaps not buying porn ludicrous, but I can see that happening. The frustration with enjoying infantalism (aka ABDL things. I prefer this term, personally) having a safe place to express it, but feeling shame and fear about what you're doing is a difficult thing to reconcile and cope with. You're doing a pretty good job at showing Spike struggle with that: the urgency of his desires, vs. the urgency of them staying secret.
I'd like to mention some stylistic stuff; This is completely up to you whether or not you want to change it. Whatever you do it'll still work, I'm sure.
Something that you might benefit from is taking your post-dialogue statements and shortening them down. (Excuse me if I'm not well versed in grammatical phrases) As well as excluding the exact direction of the dialogue
Take, for example (Which, by the way you forgot to close your quote here):
"'Nopony cares about that Dashie. What we should care about is how I don't have any clue on what kind of party to make now! What am I gonna do?!' Pinkie Pie said to the rainbow mare sadly."
This seems to read better for me:
"'Nopony cares about that Dashie. What we should care about is how I don't have any clue on what kind of party to make now! What am I gonna do?!' Pinkie Pie {sighed/complained}"
Taking that sentence in context it makes perfect sense. In Pinkie's dialogue she addresses Rainbow Dash, so we don't have to add that in later (and this is also established in context of other dialogue).
Replacing sadly with a verb of some sort cuts down the old "He said, she said" progression, and in my opinion allows you to express the emotion in a more detailed manner:
i.e.,:
"Hell no!" He said angrily
"Hell no!" He spat
"Don't leave me" he said pitifully
"Don't leave me" he whimpered
Which one paints a more clear picture in your mind?
Again, this is something stylistic so take it with a grain of salt. I wouldn't condone using a verb at every opportunity, since it can get a little same-y
"Hell no!" he spat
"Why not?!" she cried
"Because!" he exclaimed
Doesn't really sound fantastic. You do a good job in varying your dialogue descriptors though. Just a suggestion.
As far as the characters and writing go:
You're doing a really good job representing (what I remember of) the characters. Nothing seems to be terribly amiss. I appreciate that you haven't broken the 4th wall with Pinkie, because that's pretty overdone on this site in my opinion. (Which apparently is a thing that I see a lot and now realize it may just be me.) The conversation flows pretty well, although occasionally it seems out of place, and why that is I can't quite put my finger on.
Honestly I thought I had more, but I really don't. I think you're doing a good job at scene setting, and you express Spikes thoughts well. I felt stressed when the Mane 6 were grilling him, so well done.
You had best not disappear forever now. God knows that happens to too many good fics on this site. Best of luck writing and I hope you have a fantastic time doing so.
8788791
Thank you for the positive feedback, the suggestions, and for noting that mistake I made!
Your friend is absolutely correct. Feedback is what helps others improve and can inspire others. I actually really liked your suggestions and I hope to try using them more (so long as I don't forget for some odd reason). The stylistic stuff is something I've seen a lot of in other stories so I'm not sure why I didn't add them before... At least I know now though!
I don't plan on disappearing anytime soon since I personally hate the idea of leaving a story unfinished and dislike when a good read ends without closure of some kind.
Thank you again for your comment, I very much appreciated it!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson