Honestly not sure what to make of this chapter. The story started out strong as a Dom / Sub fic with Tempest the Mistress - wasn't keen on the way it was forced upon Twilight, but it wasn't too bad - certainly not enough to stop reading.
While I agree skipping the movie's end was a right call, as it's not Alt. U, from out of nowhere we have the Princesses being a little OOC and Tempest suddenly having personalities in her head. Not just that, but there was a distinct power switch between her and Twilight. Now, after the battle, it seems Twilight is the one in control with Tempest scared and conflicted.
8511813 The reaction of the Princesses will be important for later chapters. Tempest is an emotional wreck, as displayed multiple times by the movie and the comic series. She had no chance. Imprisoned or worse, or agree to have Twilight take care. (or simply be silent in that case) There is no wording, howsoever, that Twilight got full reign over her.
8511861 Aaaah, you have me at a disadvantage, as I haven't seen the comics. I do agree though that Tempest is an emotional wreck, purely from what we see in the movie.
Wouldn't it be funny if Moon Shield was a changeling? The princesses' insistence on punishment is indeed kinda weird. They hardly seem to punish anyone, but then turning about to single against a turned enemy? Keep going! ;)
“What?” Luna whirled to her. “You cannot be serious, sister!”
“But… Sister! This is not right!”
These comments by Luna confuse me, Luna was given redemption herself once, and even showed sympathy to Starlight in the s6 finale, as much as I don't like how that was done... This Luna seems WAAY too OOC for me, pretty sure Luna isn't a hypocrite that will imprison someone who committed crimes similar to hers at the first opportunity she could.
The only other thing in this chapter I find odd is the way you have Grubber depicted. I feel like Grubber is either too stupid or too uncaring to actually show any loyalty to The Storm King.
Other than those two things, I liked this chapter a good bit, shows that Tempest isn't just completely redeemable right away, which was a nice quality that Starlight had in comparison to Trixie and Sunset. And let's be honest, they are all pretty much the same character... I also am looking forward to the next chapter, I feel like a night in Twilight's tower could get a little *cough* steamy... *cough*
The story started off well enough, but this chapter just felt messy. Dialogue was off, plenty of literary errors, and little to no pacing.
8511781
My editors will give it another sweep.
But it's amazing what people can say about a chapter, exactly 4,6 minutes after it was published
8511789
It's 2,700 words. It barely took 5 minutes to read that.
Honestly not sure what to make of this chapter. The story started out strong as a Dom / Sub fic with Tempest the Mistress - wasn't keen on the way it was forced upon Twilight, but it wasn't too bad - certainly not enough to stop reading.
While I agree skipping the movie's end was a right call, as it's not Alt. U, from out of nowhere we have the Princesses being a little OOC and Tempest suddenly having personalities in her head. Not just that, but there was a distinct power switch between her and Twilight. Now, after the battle, it seems Twilight is the one in control with Tempest scared and conflicted.
I'll look forward to the next chapter though.
8511813
The reaction of the Princesses will be important for later chapters.
Tempest is an emotional wreck, as displayed multiple times by the movie and the comic series.
She had no chance. Imprisoned or worse, or agree to have Twilight take care. (or simply be silent in that case)
There is no wording, howsoever, that Twilight got full reign over her.
8511861
Aaaah, you have me at a disadvantage, as I haven't seen the comics. I do agree though that Tempest is an emotional wreck, purely from what we see in the movie.
8511886
You will see how unbalanced she truly is from the next chapter on
It might seem weird at first, but that's intended
Wouldn't it be funny if Moon Shield was a changeling?
The princesses' insistence on punishment is indeed kinda weird. They hardly seem to punish anyone, but then turning about to single against a turned enemy?
Keep going! ;)
Will all the sex be F/F?
These comments by Luna confuse me, Luna was given redemption herself once, and even showed sympathy to Starlight in the s6 finale, as much as I don't like how that was done... This Luna seems WAAY too OOC for me, pretty sure Luna isn't a hypocrite that will imprison someone who committed crimes similar to hers at the first opportunity she could.
The only other thing in this chapter I find odd is the way you have Grubber depicted. I feel like Grubber is either too stupid or too uncaring to actually show any loyalty to The Storm King.
Other than those two things, I liked this chapter a good bit, shows that Tempest isn't just completely redeemable right away, which was a nice quality that Starlight had in comparison to Trixie and Sunset. And let's be honest, they are all pretty much the same character... I also am looking forward to the next chapter, I feel like a night in Twilight's tower could get a little *cough* steamy... *cough*
loved this chapter. and I really like how you depict Tempest and her relationship with Twilight! Can't wait to read more!
8513025
Yes, like all my clop F/F
8513286
You will understand Luna later, there is a reason for her behaviour.
And about that steamy stuff...
No spoilers
Luna, Two words: NIGHTMARE MOON.
Why would you need heat spells from the guards when Celestia is the Goddess of the Sun?
8529905
Like Celestia would ever do anything useful in a time of crisis.