Chapter 6: Fraudulent Intentions
The Interlocutor had room for all eleven of us (which is to say, myself, Carrot Top, Bon Bon, Lyra, Octavia, Vinyl Scratch, Flim, Flam, Ditzy Do, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Spike), if just barely. The airship chugged along at a decent pace, and once Princess Twilight realized there was nothing we could do to get to the Dragon Lands any faster, she retired to her cabin to study the piles of books and maps she'd brought along with her. At least her rump had stopped glowing, which I assumed was a good thing.
I spent most of my time at the bow of the Interlocutor, partly for the breeze in my feathers, and partly because it was the only place aboard I didn't have to worry about someone tripping over me. Carrot Top must have had the same idea, as she came to visit me at my perch on a semi regular basis. I imagine she just brought the bottle of apple brandy to be polite.
“Remind me,” I took a moment to look down the deck of the Interlocutor to make sure neither Princess Twilight nor her little dragon weren't within listening distance (they weren't). “What's your cover story, again? I mean, it's not like you're a musician.”
Carrot Top took a swig of brandy, and leaned against the airship's railing. “I am a musician, actually. Or, well, I at least know a little bit about violin, and I can fake the rest.”
“Why, Miss Top, that sounds suspiciously like something I would say. Have I been a bad influence?” I took the bottle and had a sip of the sweet stuff.
“Don't flatter yourself, Sentry.” Carrot Top smiled as she said it.
“Someone's got to. Flatter me, that is.”
“We both have better things to worry about.”
“Don't remind me.” I groaned. “I'm sure any minute now, we'll have to deal with--”
“Dragons!” Ditzy Do swooped in from where she'd been sitting atop the Interlocutor's airbag. I wondered if having her eyes skewed in different directions made her a better lookout. “Coming in at ten o'clock!”
“And here it's not even noon yet.” Oh sure, I knew the proper military terminology, but some jokes simply must be told.
Carrot Top showed her appreciation with a roll of her eyes, and got to her hooves. “I'd better get the Princess.” With that, she ran across the deck and disappeared through the doorway to Princess Twilight's cabin.
It was only once Carrot Top left that the reality (and subsequent terror) of the situation set in. A great gust of wind rocked the Interlocutor, forcing me to flap my own wings a few times to keep myself standing. The early-afternoon sun suddenly went dark, as a reptile easily half-again as long as the Interlocutor passed overhead. The blue scaled beast beat its wings again and came to a hover in front of our airship. There were a few faint cries of dismay from elsewhere on the ship, but at that moment all I could hear was my own suddenly racing heartbeat as I found myself literally nose to nose with a peeved looking dragon.
“Ponies?” The dragon's upper lip curled back to reveal row upon row of dagger-sharp fangs. “Good. I'm hungry.” The dragon had a laugh like a cement mixer full of gravel. A forked tongue flickered over scaly lips, and those jaws opened terribly, terribly wide.
Over the course of my career, nearly every apex carnivore you can think of has tried to eat me-- everything from manticores to sea serpents to the kinds of extradimensional abominations with more punctuation in their proper names than vowels. But of all of those harrowing experiences, I have to say staring down the gullet of an angry dragon was easily the worst. There's the flesh-rending teeth, of course, and the slimy gobbets of saliva dripping down from them. The worst part, though, is the hellish, fiery glow at the back of their throat, lighting the dragon's whole mouth up like the world's angriest fireplace. Dragons must be the only creatures in all creation that cook their food after eating it.
Such a terrible sight would be enough to unnerve even the stoutest-hearted pony, so it goes without saying that I was reduced to a terrified trembling. In fact, my whole body shook so hard that I soon lost my grip on the bottle of apple brandy Carrot Top had left me. The bottle sailed through the air-- and into the dragon's mouth. The glass shattered on the dragon's dentistry, at which point the highly-alcoholic liquid touched the flame at the back of the dragon's throat and ignited.*
The dragon's eyes went wide in surprise, and the overgrown salamander started hacking and coughing and clutching at its neck. It was certainly an improvement on its 'ready to eat me' status before.
*While dragons are known for their fire breathing, the act itself requires no small degree of effort to align the more fireproof parts of their mouth to protect more vulnerable areas such as the tongue. A sudden, unexpected burst of flame (much less that provided by an accelerant such as highly flammable brandy) could be quite painful to a dragon, as my friend and assistant Spike can attest. Dragon hiccups are no laughing matter.
“Don't hurt him!” Princess Twilight swooped in alongside me.
“I'm fine, Princess.” I got my shakes under control just in time to look the proper hero.
“I was talking to you.” Princess Twilight snapped, hard enough to make me flinch. “How are we going to solve this Friendship Emergency if you start fighting with every Dragon you see?”
“I-- what?” I sputtered.
Princess Twilight sighed. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't be mad. You're just trying to protect me ... whether I need it or not. But we're not going to get anywhere like this. According to the Codex Draconica, the Bluescale clan has traditionally protected the borders of the Dragon Lands for thousands of years.”
“According to the whatnow?” I said, bewildered. Here an enormous reptile was readying itself to eat me, and Princess Twilight's first instinct was to quote her bibliography. It was the sort of thing that made hanging around Special Agent Golden Harvest seem safe in comparison. At least she brought me liquor.
“What. Do. You. Want.” The Bluescale dragon, still with smoke wafting up from the corners of its mouth, loomed up in front of the bow again.
“Oh, hello!” Princess Twilight waved a blithe hoof at the dragon. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and my friends and I are on a very important Friendship Mission. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding-- and, the, uh, molotov-ing, but the important thing is that we all just settle down and talk it out like civilized beings.”
“Talk.” The dragon rumbled.
“I know it's rather unprecedented,” Princess Twilight went on, either appealingly brave or astoundingly clueless, “but ancient Draconian law dictates that any dragon may enter the Dragon Lands, in the company of their, uh ... entourage. And as it would just so happen, there's a dragon on this Friendship Mission too!”
“Hi! I'm Spike!” The little dragon stepped up beside Princess Twilight (making the bowspirit increasingly crowded) and puffed his chest out. “You might have heard of me? I'm friends with Dragon Lord Ember, you know. Kind of a big deal.”
“Ember?” snorted the Bluescale, and there went another rumbling laugh. “If you think that name means anything here, you're on your own, whelp. Spitespire's that way.” With one last, derisive snort of smoke, the dragon turned about in midair and flew off.
“See?” Princess Twilight said, turning to me with a too-proud smile. “We're making progress already! Never underestimate the power of diplomacy.”
As we approached Spitespire, more dragons, each more hideous than the last, came to investigate us. They kept their distance, despite (or perhaps because of) Spike and Princess Twilight's enthusiastic greetings.
The Spitespire itself was remarkably similar to any small city in Equestria-- only with dragons in lieu of ponies, and a slightly more acrid smell. As the Interlocutor came in for a landing, one could make out the sight of shops and houses (or at least the draconian equivalents thereof). Between them, dragons of every shape and size went about their business, with only slightly more snapping and growling than a typical Manehattan rush hour. And, sure enough, a jagged mass of black granite was at the center of it all, complete with thin columns of smoke wafting up from cracks in the rock.
The Interlocutor touched down at the edge of the city, at which point Bon Bon and Carrot Top hopped over the side, bringing anchor lines with them to secure the airship in place. By the time everything was in order, several dragons had circled around to peer at us with varying expressions of curiosity and wariness.
I briefly wondered what you were supposed to call a bunch of dragons: a flock? A mayhem? A conflagration?*
*The proper term is 'A Flight of Dragons.'
Whatever the official term was, I decided I didn't like it. Just one dragon had been enough to rattle me, and the sight of so many of them hissing and snorting and swaying their serpentine necks had every muscle in my body just twitching in desire to flee. Not that I did-- or could, for that matter. Sure, Carrot Top might've known how overinflated my heroic reputation was, but the other ponies (particularly Princess Twilight) didn't, so all I could do was stand and look grim as a few dozen tons of firebreathing reptiles glared at us.
“Hello!” Princess Twilight walked down the boarding ramp, friendly and regal and otherwise too pleasant for her surroundings. “I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I'm honored to visit the Spitespire. My friends and I have been sent here on a very important Friendship Mission, so I'm looking forward to making friends with each and every one of you.”
The dragons didn't say anything.
“If I may, Princess--” Flim clattered down the boarding ramp and put a hoof on Princess Twilight's shoulder. “Might my brother and I offer a slightly ... different approach?”
“What do you have in mind?” Princess Twilight said.
Flim winked to the Princess. “Just sit back and enjoy the show. We'll take care of the rest.
“Ladies and Gentledrakes!” Flam's voice boomed through a megaphone he'd acquired from somewhere. “May we have your attention, please!”
Flim pulled an identical megaphone out from under his hat. “We have come all the way from Equestria--”
“Braving storms!”
“And monsters!”
“And airline food!”
“And even more indignities and hardships that we dare not mention for the sake of good taste!”
“All to come here, to your ... lovely city, for the sake of your entertainment!”
“Consider yourselves lucky, my scaly friends, as some of the finest musicians in all of Equestria are here to perform for you! Behold!” Flim hauled back on a lever, and the side of the Interlocutor unfolded, revealing a portable stage, complete with a battery of amplifiers on either side.
“First up,” Flim said, “she's sweet, she's petite, and the way she plays her violin is exquis-eet! It's Carrot Top!”
Before I could contest any of Flim's statements (as honestly, I'd hardly call any pony who could snap a changeling's neck with her bare hooves 'petite'), Carrot Top walked out on the stage, carrying a violin. In a characteristically smooth movement, she put the instrument to her shoulder and sawed out a few bars. I'm no musician, but I have to admit she played decently enough.
I saw Vinyl Scratch push a few buttons on her soundboard at the side of the stage right before and Carrot Top put bow to string, and right afterward. Not a bad trick, that. But, despite the debatable authenticity of Carrot Top's performance, she at least looked the part, as the lights struck her frizzy mane at just the right angle to make it glow as brightly as any dragon's respiration. A little while later, Carrot Top stopped playing, and sketched a jaunty bow to the otherwise unimpressed crowd of dragons.
“But that's not all!” Flam took up megaphone again. “Because we've also brought Miss Lyra Heartstrings-- and the sound of her harp is sure to pull on yours!”
The green unicorn just smiled, and plucked out a trilling few notes on her harp (with far less 'technical assistance' from Vinyl Scratch, I might add). Her song was was oddly soothing, but her performance, being genuine, was far less interesting to watch. There was no sniffling or other sudden displays of emotion from the dragons-- in fact, they took the quieter interlude as an opportunity to murmur amongst themselves.
“And there's more!” Flim said, perhaps sensing the waning attention of the crowd. “As, in our headline act, we are proud and privileged to present, the greatest cellist-- nay, the greatest musician of our generation, the one, the only Octavia Philharmonic!”
The cellist herself trotted onto the stage-- some thoughtful unicorn (probably Lyra) at least telekinese'd a chair out for her to sit on. And with that, Octavia sat down and began to play. She kept her eyes closed, playing entirely by feel as her hooves danced across her cello. If I were a better sort, I'd start rhapsodizing on Octavia's transcendent skill and talent at musicianship-- but to be honest, the songs I most remember now in my old age tend to have bawdy lyrics. Even still, whatever Octavia did to her cello, it was enough to even impress the dragons.
“Did you hear that, brother of mine?” Flam said. Despite the ostensible 'conversation' between the two brothers, the two were still bellowing into their megaphones.
“Why yes, I certainly did!”
“Is it just me, or was that amazing?”
“Astounding!”
“Inspiring!”
“You know what the secret is, though?” Flim said, entirely ignoring the plausibility of any secrets discussed through maximum-volume yelling.
“What's that?”
“Not only is Miss Octavia the finest cellist in all of Equestria-- she's playing the finest instrument in all of Equestria!”
“Gasp!” Flam said the full word. “You don't mean--”
“I do! Mean, that is. As there is no instrument worthy of Miss Octavia than the best-- which is to say, a Stallionvarious! And not just any Stallionvarious, friend-- as Miss Octavia graces our eardrums with the sounds of the Secret Stallionvarious! For years, it was thought lost-- but now, this invaluable instrument has found its proper place in Miss Octavia's capable hooves!”
If Octavia's music hadn't gotten the dragons' attention, that certainly did. By the time she finished her song, the dragons were all watching with rapt attention-- though something told me they were more interested in the instrument than the pony holding it. There was even some brief, awkward applause as Octavia bowed and made her way off the stage.
“And that, friends, is just a taste of the entertainment to come!” Flim launched into his pitch.
“The real show starts at eight-o'clock sharp tonight!” Flam said.
“Come one, come all-- for just the low, low price of thirty bits--”
“--or an equivalent amount in raw gold or gems or what have you--”
“You shall be treated to an evening of excellent Equestrian entertainment!”
“Tickets are limited, so make sure you don't miss out!”
“We'll see you at the show!”
With that, the Flimflams doffed their hats and bowed, and damn if I didn't feel like applauding. The two were the most shameless charlatans I'd ever met, which I couldn't help but appreciate. Kindred spirits, and all that.
Princess Twilight, on the other hoof, was far less impressed, as she soon pulled one of the be-boatered unicorns aside.
“Flam--”
“I'm Flim.”
“Oh, sorry.” Princess Twilight said, apologetic one moment, only to launch back into her righteous annoyance. “Flim, I can't believe you! We've come all this way on an important Friendship Mission, and the first thing you and your brother do is try to sell tickets?”
“Try? No, we're not trying to sell tickets. There's already a line!” He nodded to the bottom of the gangplank, where, sure enough, Bon Bon and Ditzy Do had set up with table and cashbox, dispensing tickets to that evening's performance. “Semantics aside, Princess, we're just doing our part to help your Friendship Mission. If we gather a bunch of dragons in one place, it should be easy for you and your scaly little compatriot to find your Friendship Problem and take care of it!”
“That's ... almost a good idea, but we shouldn't be charging for it.”
“Ah, I respectfully disagree! For while you and I come from Equestria, where everypony knows that the best things in life are free, I'm afraid these Dragon Lands are much less enlightened. Why, I've heard that greed is wired into their very biology!”
“The hoarding instinct is something of a ... unique factor, yes.” Princess Twilight mused.
“Exactly! Which is why we have to charge admission, or else the dragons wouldn't be interested! In fact, we might even have to charge more for tickets to keep the dragons' attention!”
I kept my mouth shut and listened, admiring a master dissembler at work. It's a good thing the Flimflams never enlisted, as then I'd only be the Royal Guard's third most decorated scoundrel.
“That ... kind of makes sense?” Princess Twilight said. “But you'd better not get up to any funny business, or else I'll ... “ Princess Twilight trailed off, obviously unaccustomed to delivering threats (I supposed she just had her brother for that). Lucky for the Princess, she didn't have to complete her thought, as Ditzy Do zipped over from the ticket table.
“Princess?” The mailpony looked over her shoulder at the crowd of dragons, and then back to Princess Twilight. “A dragon came to deliver a message. He says that someone named Drake Diamondback wants to meet you.”
“See?” Flim chimed in. “We just got here, and you're already making friends. I told you this plan would work!”
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I see Flash never encountered any Breezie Special Forces.
In any case, excellent setup, from the ruse to draw in Diamondback to the hints of multiple dragon nations to Flash's professional admiration of thr Flimflams. Definitely looking forward to seeing how this all goes wrong, and whether Flash or Twilight will contribute more to the impending catastrophe.
Huh. Neat.
Classy, Sentry.
I can imagine, yes.
Eh?
Be ready to be roasted.
HAH!
They put a LOT into Charisma.
HAHAHAAAA!
8440482
Well, something has to happen that made Twilight think this was just another successful friendship mission for centuries. It also has to resolve in such a way that Drake Diamondback won't seek draconic vengeance on Flash and co's descendants if or when he reads this book. Otherwise Twilight would probably be a lot more relunctant to let it be published.
Great work with the dragons and changelings flash. Why don't you take it easy and go on a routine guard detail to the breezies?
Unexpected calamity proceeds to occur
The 80's called; they want their obscure reference back.
It is great to see that Flim and Flam are only reformed in a purely technical sense. Their showponyship is an utter delight to observe, and it's good to see Flash feels the same way.
I mean, of running a con, might as well bring along some expert conponies. Love how good those two are at doing this. If they were just a bit more willing to look at stable, long term prophet over making a quick Bit, they could own half of Equestria by now.