Isn't it obvious?"Yes. Anyway, if you really want the completely official answer to whatever questions you have (yes, even and especially the ones you keep asking that have already been answered over and over again), then you can have a session with Goodbody when he is ready."
Parentheses really don't belong anywhere within quotes, or any character dialog, unless she is going to say parentheses. Might want to figure out other ways of communicating the information without them such as using commas or using other separators in sentence. From this clip, it looks as if Redheart is either speaking her inner thoughts out loud or they are inner dialogue that you didn't format as such. As an example of restructuring I'm separating, making italic, and also dropping the repeated word "yes".
Isn't it obvious? "Yes. Anyway, if you really want the completely official answer to whatever questions you have," and especially the ones you keep asking that have already been answered over and over again, "then you can have a session with Goodbody when he is ready."
Again with those parentheses.
Redheart was reading her book (the one a bygone ex had given her) to Jim today, which he appreciated.
Blackheart sucked on a (cherry-flavored) lollipop, not giving a single solitary fuck about anything.
Reads clearer when you replace them both with commas or nothing at all in the second quote.
Nitpicking now... exes, she has more than one ex? ex's, belongs to an ex
Not sure where the Death tag fits into this story-- although I suppose near-death due to the human's arrival counts in a vague way. But it is only the first chapter so I eagerly await what happens next.
Corrections have been made. Also, the "Death" tag will become quite useful as the story progresses. Not literal death (well, except for maybe one or two, but I won't spoil here) but more like death as a theme that will be recurring.
"I'm Jim," said the man. "But some people call me... Jim."
"Just Jim?"
"No." The man grew more confident in his speech, but he continued to avert his eyes from Redheart. "It's a bit more complicated than that." He then chuckled lightly, but even this action proved painful to him.
So the man called Jim started to tell the story of how he got his name. The tale was calmly and methodically told (on account of Jim trying to not cause himself more pain by accident), and Redheart did not understand a lot of the little details and references, but she found every word utterly engrossing.
Funny, you'd think the report would have mentioned a puncture wound in the flank.
As the sun set, Redheart continually switched between eating a cream-cheese bagel (whose carbs went straight to her rump—not that she minded packing a little extra heat in her trunk) and reading a dense volume of fiction about some teen colts in a tennis academy and some losers in a rehabilitation facility. She found the book to be too confusing and overly detailed, but she kept at it regardless; it was a gift one of her exes had given her some years ago, and she wasn't going to put all that paper to waste. Those trees died for a cause , gosh darn it.
Out of curiosity, which series are you referring to, if any?
Off to a good start. Don't make the same mistake as so many others and put too many things between him and his relationship with Redheart. Give him a job, don't make ponies racist assholes, and don't try any assassination plans.
I'm confused. What crash? There was more than one human inside? How do they KNOW he's a "man"?
At first I thought he fell from the sky onto some ponies, or was driving his car and hit some ponies or something, but then Redheart thinks that he was the sole survivor...
Good stuff so far, do continue.
Off to a good start! I'll be tracking this from now on.
Parentheses really don't belong anywhere within quotes, or any character dialog, unless she is going to say parentheses. Might want to figure out other ways of communicating the information without them such as using commas or using other separators in sentence. From this clip, it looks as if Redheart is either speaking her inner thoughts out loud or they are inner dialogue that you didn't format as such. As an example of restructuring I'm separating, making italic, and also dropping the repeated word "yes".
Again with those parentheses.
Reads clearer when you replace them both with commas or nothing at all in the second quote.
Nitpicking now...
exes, she has more than one ex?
ex's, belongs to an ex
Not sure where the Death tag fits into this story-- although I suppose near-death due to the human's arrival counts in a vague way. But it is only the first chapter so I eagerly await what happens next.
Good story. Looking forward to the next chapters. Here are a few of the mistakes i caught.
I still have work to do
i'm sure it is
That's about all i could find.
8642006
8641933
Corrections have been made. Also, the "Death" tag will become quite useful as the story progresses. Not literal death (well, except for maybe one or two, but I won't spoil here) but more like death as a theme that will be recurring.
Good job on spotting those mistakes. 👍
As long as this doesn't devolve into just clop, it looks promising! Looking forward to it.
Well written and a pleasure to read so far, I'll be looking forward to more whenever it may come.
i like it but i would love it if i didnt already know where this was going to go like every other clop fic
Pretty good so far
8642619
There isnt a porn tag yet, so hopefully it wont focus on that to much.
8642797
yea its not that I mind that but i find that it can take away from a story if done poorly or theres to much of it
Funny, you'd think the report would have mentioned a puncture wound in the flank.
so... no involvement of the crown or mayor mare? i mean, i get a ship crashed. but one would think that higher powers would be mentioned.
also, i approve of redhearts nipple fetish.
This promises to be hilarious. Please, do continue
Nice.
Nice so far. Some moments kind of laid on the sex theme a bit too much, but it does have sex as a tag, so whatever.
Extra little o here for whatever reason. I love this story so far though, can't wait for the next chapter!
8643107
There was supposed to be an S in front of that. Got it.
Good start, really looking forward to more!
Also, Red has the best handling of reporters
moth13.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/what-is-a-man1.jpg
8643353
BUT ENOUGH TALK! HAVE AT YOU!
Out of curiosity, which series are you referring to, if any?
Lol, should be pus.
Off to a good start. Don't make the same mistake as so many others and put too many things between him and his relationship with Redheart. Give him a job, don't make ponies racist assholes, and don't try any assassination plans.
It always fail when people do that.
For you
8644461
Now that you mention it, that does seem to happen alot. Especially the racist ponies part.
8644478
Crashing this plane with no survivors?
good so far. looking forward to more
... I see what you did there.
8643974
Pretty sure it's Infinite Jest.
See what happens when you're the first thing it sees? Imprinted, that's what!
8671554
Oh he'll imprint her alright.
Wink Wink Nudge Nudge
I'm confused. What crash? There was more than one human inside? How do they KNOW he's a "man"?
At first I thought he fell from the sky onto some ponies, or was driving his car and hit some ponies or something, but then Redheart thinks that he was the sole survivor...
I'm so here for this
If Jim is slim, then he could be called Slim Jim!