hellhounds04
Joined 23rd May, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey, it's a great start! I think the only thing that bothered me a bit was the repetition of "sharing a room"in the beginning.
What I did like is that there are very few grammatical errors and misspellings. I also think this will be a fun read not only because it's a great concept, but you have a lot to work with here. I'm interested to see how Pinkie and Rarity's relationship will develop in this story.
So in my opinion: Great start for a first fic!
Title being misspelled is a pretty bad look
8264133
I just realized. I did this in 3:00 in the morning.
8263888
Should I have shorten the concept of sharing a room? Or at least think of alternate ways of saying it?
Thank you so much for the feedback.
Sorry if this is a ridiculous question. I'm an animation art type not the writing type.
8264194
Honestly it's up to you how you want to share your story since it's your own developing writing style. It just felt like the "sharing of the room" was mentioned too many times in such a short time. Finding other ways to say it helps, but it is helpful to keep in mind that the reader already knows what is going on. On the other hand (hoof?), I know it can be hard to not do that since you have to account for explaining how each character feels about the situation. Twilight told Rarity, then Rarity reiterated it to herself twice, and then she had to tell Pinkie about it. So in total the reader had to read that 4 times, but I also know that it would have taken some extra time to find a way to structure the story so that the characters didn't need to say it 4 times. Does that make sense?
8265306
Yeah that makes sense to me. I'll consider this for next time! Thank you!