As I said before, we're taking off into the tragediies very quickly, which I've noticed is a completely different pattern from the first two. Whereas the first two took their time getting into the action and disaster, we now see rock bottom before the first act is done! I totally called genocide, only it's for the glory of the master pony race, not the master cyborg race. On top of that, the enemy has figured out how to make nuclear weaponry (or something similar), the undesirables are living on the moon due to the sheer destruction of the planet, and more than half of the royalty/hero class is dead! And, Silverspeak was indeed controlled for their purposes (as Minister of Propaganda) so now everyone good and unfamiliar with him hates him, and he's on a time limit with his tumor! Jesus...
Good lord, Greenback you really must believe that the concept of 'happily ever after is bullshit. We could've stopped with Silverspeak doing two years and becoming a speech writer. We could've stopped with Silverspeak and Beakbreaker happily married until they died peacefully together. We could've had so much fewer innocents dead in the background, maybe even have his parents live a little longer! We could've had Silverspeak not lose his body or become an alicorn again and be able to raise a family proper! We could've had Silverspeak and Celestia become besties alongside Luna before all the shit hit the fan! We could've stopped all of this senseless tragedy so. much. Sooner!... Mangus made his life a misery and tried (and succeeded) to take so much away from him. Chrysalis took her invasion and cranked it up to eleven with the war that threw every possible good thing to waste. And now there's this Iron Hoof, a Hitler-esque madman who desires war and purity of the pony master race, and with what seems to be a figurative flick of the wrist, takes all the good in Silverspeak's life and burns it to the ground... Greenback, can I ask you something please?... what's the point? what is the purpose, the moral you're trying to show here? What am I, the reader, supposed to take from witnessing all the shit and the blood and the beatings that your character takes? Sure, he came out on top many times over so it would seem that determination and perseverance in the face of despair seems to be paying off, but why won't it stop? Why do these challenges keep coming specifically for him and get progressively worse (I mean besides him being the main character, and tragedy being a core theme that you have to ramp up in order to keep the MO of the series)? Can you answer that? I'm not saying you're doing bad writing here, but I'd like to know what you and we are gaining out of this?
Anyway, I was wrong about about Beakbreaker being dead though (for the time being at least) so we've got something going on there. And of course Celestia has been thwarted into danger once again. Seriously, she's the other character here that doesn't get a break (and as a Celestia fan, this irks me)... As for Iron Hoof, clearly there are other pieces of the puzzle that is his motivation, up his sleeve. He couldn't have just asked the arch dragons to join him and expect them to follow him unless he had a serious edge. That edge is what I believe will be the focus of the penultimate conflict. Until we hear more about him, I can't say anything else solid about him (besides him being a total dick that ruins everything). On a more positive note, the final bit here with Silverspeak and Luna (come to think of it, most of this chapter) really speaks about how the two of these characters have become such close friends. It's a little slice of comfort in this hell you created. Also, I still notice how Luna is the only canon character to have extensive interaction with your character(s), and I never understood why. Is she just easier for you to write, or are you just a Luna fanboy panderin'?
Well, until next chapter!
P.S. I keep thinking the final battle between Silverspeak and Iron Hoof will go out like Snake and Ocelot/Liquid in MGS4. I'm not sure why?...
P.P.S. Here's hoping you don't get any ideas of bringing Mangus back a third time around.
P.P.P.S. End of Act 1? Is this story going to be significantly shorter or something?
While I do enjoy happy endings, especially well-earned ones, I've become more appreciative of bittersweet endings as I've gotten older: the endings where things are lost, but gained as well. Silverspeak keeps losing what he thought he wanted/needed, but gains something more valuable in the process. And this being the end of the series... well, it wouldn't be proper to reveal what happens, but there is an ultimate purpose to everything: The 'Monster' trilogy follows Silverspeak at all three stages of his life: youth, adulthood, and old age. This installment is meant to explore the theme of the legacy we leave behind when our life is over, and how our actions influence those around us.
With regards to Luna and the other cannon characters, it's always been my intention to have Silverspeak's story be largely separate and self-contained, with only occasional meetings with characters from the show. Most of that is due to wanting to avoid having Silverspeak seem like he's competing with the Mane 6, or trying to impress them. As I've said elsewhere, there's a reason Celestia hasn't appeared yet, so Luna fell into the role of the main show character Silverspeak interacts with the most.
Finally, this story is going to be shorter than the previous two, but as the series finale, it has the biggest moments of the saga, so it's a 'quality over quantity' matter.
8407203 You do realize that you are doing this by rather contritely killing off the ENTIRETY OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS in order to 'not make him compete or try ti impress them'.
Honestly it has become straight up comedic at how blatantly grimdark and 'screw the mane characters imma kill them and everyone they know' this entire series has become......... No dude. It would not be that fucking hard to kill one dude for an alicorn. In fact i would wager that Celestia, luna, cadance, fucking Twilight, would be able to dispose of him instantly at the very beginning of any conflict. Because what is gonna stop them? Nothing at all. Not even those plot devices you call Archdragons would be able to stop em.
... I am being overlty harsh, but these are the exact same issues from your second story. Implausible leaps of logic for the sake of telling a darker story.
I could just sign off quietly and not say anything, but as comments and views are the only currency an author can get on this site, I hope that this makes sense.
I'm unsubscribing from this stories feed (moving it from 'favorites' to 'read later') until it's complete. My main reason being that a roller coaster is only fun, if you are sure in the end, you'll get off safely. And the signs are now that the only way I would be comfortable continuing to ride this train, would be if I could k leep ahead to be sure the destination is one I care to go to. While the writing style and payoffs in the prequels were enjoyable, you as an author has a fetish for "villain sues" that is villain' s who out class the protagonists unrealistically in ways that show the hand of the author too clearly. You may want to concentrate a bit more on the slice of life aspects of your stories and not necessarily try to make ever life event a world shaking adventure.
My apologies for the late reply, but after reading your comments I wanted to put some thought into them. I killed the Mane Six to show that Iron Hoof and his forces are not a force to be taken lightly, but I can see how readers would interpret it as being mean or because I don't like the mane six, which I don't.
Because of your comments, there will be an explanation about how Celestia, Luna, and the Mane Six were unable to stop Iron Hoof when they were on his doorstop in the next chapter, one that does not involve the arch-dragons. And although the overall story will still be the same, I will attempt to lighten the tone and certain scenes.
8422253 I"m sorry you feel that way, cosmofur, but I can understand where you're coming from. I admit that I have a problem in writing villains who are too powerful/strong/intelligent, which has been a struggle to overcome in this series, and I'll try to tone it down through the rest of Sunfall. And because you and others have remarked on the darker feel of this story, I will work to tone it down. The overall story won't be changed, but there will be lighter moments throughout.
I hope that you find the ending satisfactory when it's posted.
8423851 Honestly i doubt there could be any possible explanation for it that could justify his continued existence. It be like if the entirety of the justice league decided to kill Lex luthor or the Joker. They just don't have to means to defeat them.
Also you fell into a trap there. A villain killing or defeating the characters from the show is a constant trope. Not ot mention it is illogical that they would even be on the front lines to begin with, rather than grouped together and kept away from it all. It honestly does not make him seem stronger, it just further cements how little sense it makes that such an obvious threat orchestrated all of this.
It is a near identical issue from your prior story where Mangus, a unicorn responsible for outright mass slaughter, whose thirst for power is impossible to surpress, was used as an ally when they actually surgically made him incapable of magic in the first place.
You are trying to escalate things to make the situation seem more serious. But the issue is you are not using the writing to do so. It is immensely common weakness too. You are using the story to move forward the characters, rather than using the characters to move forward the story. The distinction is that you are focusing more on moving the story along than taking into account how the characters themselves would behave. And the characters are the core of a story.
***Warning this rant was really long. Far longer than I intended it to be. I was very much in love with the two previous stories, and with the character arch of Silverspeak, so I apologize for sounding like a salty fan, who's angry that his favorite show has changed. I wanted this comment to be more calm and cool-headed, and I honestly don't like how what I wrote came out, I guess my emotions got the run of me, but I still stand by the points, if not the salty tone.***
End of Act I... we're only halfway? Or third-way?
Tdlr; I love you man, you're a great writer and I hope you have fun writing this. Its just not working for me.
This was originally one of my favorite pony stories, and I've always highly recommended the Original and Sequel. They were dark, but still somehow true to being pony, in the same dark and gory way that Fallout Equestria managed it. War never changes, but neither does friendship.
I was anxious about this sequel. I'd thought the previous one was it, and just accepted that the meeting with Celestia was just never going to happen, or only be implied to happen. But continuing with another sequel that would have to escalate things? For the first time I had to skim in your writing.
I understand that you're a writer who writes the kind of stories you want. And that the way this story is going, appeals strongly to you, or at least that this was the vision you had. I respect you for that, and your integrity. However I've decided to give my opinion, I find I'm not alone in having misgivings about these chapters.
As for just changing the tone in the upcoming chapters... how would you turn this more light hearted? You've killed the Mane Six, Shining Armor, Cadence, even Flurry Heart, all involved in a last stand, and you're even stripping Silverspeak of what little he has has gained, though you say later to replace with something as-good-or-better, And now his pseudo-cyborg-alicornhood is also falling apart (again... seriously... like in the first story?) it looks like you're about to kill Luna and Celestia, most of the population of Equestria, etc... etc...
How do you turn that less grim? Adjust that tone? It'd be like being more lighthearted about the Holocaust.
I really don't get why these heroic characters are just flung aside. Do you really need them to die? Is it just to show just how awesomely badass Iron Hoof is? Or to make room for SilverSpeak becoming Captain Awesomost, a strong-independent-hero who doesn't need anyone to save Equestria? Neither of those seem good narrative wise, and if its just arbitrary, just tragedy-fuel, it just feels pointless. We learn about their deaths... in a short comment by Luna. Just thrown out there... one paragraph. We don't see it happen. We don't see anything. Whatever happened to show, don't tell?
You kinda nuked the fridge there, or jumped the shark, or whatever we call it now. Its definitely a point of no return for this story.
I'm sorry it just breaks suspension of disbelief. At this point the villain can just walk up to any pony army conceivable and go 'bang you're dead'. Nothing stands in his way. Him vs the cast of the greatest heroes of Equestria and their armies... and he wins. I'm sorry, I don't know how you plan to write a coherent story where he's beaten without it just being an accident, or poetic justice where a plot-device (arch-dragon) just eats him just... because he was mean to them or something, or Silverspeak managing to trick him? Or do you plan on super-charging SilverSpeak making him an actual alicorn. With flesh and blood wings, and magic that Twilight Sparkle couldn't rival, being as Iron Hoof effortlessly wiped her out? Super harmony Silverspeak?
I just don't see how you plan on making it bittersweet at this point. If in the end he dies heroically, and the only meeting he has with Celestia is with her meeting his coffin holding a eulogy over this pony who wrote to her a long time ago... I'll be disappointed. If he does meet her, but its an indifferent meeting, I'll be disappointed. If he dies and his soul moves to the afterlife, and Celestia somehow escorts him, and there's where he'll get the conversation he wanted, I'll be weirded out. If he survives, but now he's 70 and he's dying, and maybe will have a sweet retirement with Beakbreaker, maybe with some recognition for his services... that might be okay, but I don't see how its a bittersweet end, just a tragedy coming to an end.
It seems you wanted to raise the stakes from the previous stories, which is reasonable because this is a sequel, but instead of making this the most significant story, it has just moved everything into pointlessness and absurdity. There's no balance or reason for the tragedy anymore. Everyone is dying, and its not even strictly speaking Silverspeak's fault, like it was in the first one. Its just pointless death for the sake of tragedy.
I'm sure the vision you have sounds very cool to you, and by all means pursue it, but I doubt it'd be appealing to this reader.
Frankly you might as well just write a comment about the ending with spoiler tags, so we can see what it is. See whether chewing through the upcoming chapters-o-more-senseless-death-and-lack-of-payoff would be worth it to get there. I'd rather know honestly. I'm not enjoying reading these chapters, and if you feel you can redeem the story, let me know how. I'll gladly trade surprise for closure.
You have me. I love Silverspeak and the horrifying drama he's gone through. His pride and ambitions in the first one, his aspirations and love for Celestia, his desire to meet her which for a long time was a big motivator for him to keep going even when things were hard. Something that was only downplayed later when he rejoined Beakbreaker in the sequel. How unfairly he was treated that led him to start pursuing the things he did. What consequences it had, and what the fallout of that was in the sequel.
I love Silverspeak as a character. So I want to know how it ends.
I'm not a good critic, I'm just a fan of yours. I can only write with the admittedly disappointed feeling I have. If you don't feel there's substance to my points, feel free to ignore them. But I kinda feel like the previous stories were all for nothing considering where everything is headed now. All that sacrifice in vain. I'm not sure that's a good story.
And honestly, you kinda dangle carrots you never really deliver on. That can be a good way to catch a readers attention. At first. However, remember that we remember. And each story you close without giving us that carrot, we feel cheated. Silverspeak, not quite daring to peek inside the coffin down in the crypt, wondering if somehow a gheist of that original horns owner was still there. What was in there? Who cares, move on, next plot. The meeting with Celestia, which is perpetually on hold, and if you cheat readers out of that one at the end we will feel cheated. By the time he meets her, if he even gets to meet anything other than her desicrated corpse (considering your story's tone), then Silverspeak won't be in any shape, way or form identifiable with the pony who looked up to her and wanted to be like her. If he gets there and its just a boring, depressing, 'I don't care about this anymore, she's just a pony like me' moment, I will feel cheated.
No matter how brilliant you think your ending is.
I'll wait until, if, you finish this work. Hopefully soon. I'll skim ahead, get the ending spoiled, see if it looks worth understanding the context of and then read the story.
I don't want to read about more death, that's just death because death is tragedy-fuel, and you want to impress on us just how horrifying this war is, compared to the changeling attack, and how awesomely badass and evil your new villain is. We get it, he's over 9000. No really... we get it. He's the Donut Steel of evil and powerful villains (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljepXAaAmiw). And at this point I'm pretty sure he can kill Celestia just by looking at her and going 'Boo-yeah!' And there'll be a confrontation, and lots will die because death, and villain will die and Silverspeak will probably die too, but legacy... and stuff... I'm not sure I care about the villain, we get that its important for you to use a lot of deaths to show how extra hard it is for Silverspeak this time and how horrible this war is.
But I don't like it, and I really don't want to read more of it. Not until I know where it's going.
Unfavorited and down-voted. I'll keep reading your notifications, looking for a statement about it being done and ready to be told. I might even check the next chapter, skim it, see what's going on, but not read it.
Thank you for all your writing. You'll always remain one of my favorites. You tried something new and bold with this one, its your story, maybe it makes sense and appeals to you, but as a reader... the story now just feels pointless, and if you're not even aiming for a worthwhile resolution but just tragedy and maybe an epilogue about a happy legacy... then count me out. You'll always have a say on what's canon, just as McCafferty's really bad ghost story in Dragonriders of Pern was considered by her to canon, one horrible bad story out of the many she wrote. However, as a fan, its... not part of my headcanon.
In order for something to be bittersweet, there has to be sweet. Where's the sweet at this point?
"I killed the Mane Six to show that Iron Hoof and his forces are not a force to be taken lightly, but I can see how readers would interpret it as being mean or because I don't like the mane six, which I don't." - Greenback
I missed seeing this before I wrote my post. Groan... seriously? You killed them, just to show him to be a badass? I hoped there was more to it. Heck I even hoped that like Beakbreaker it was just another 'gotcha' thing. That would have been bad, but not this bad.
Do you know what horror you had which affected me the most? Silverspeaks boss losing his horn permanently, all because Mangus got access to the alicornification process because of Silverspeaks carelessness.
There was something personal to that, and it connected to Silverspeak. No death, some gore, but it was the connection to Silverspeaks actions which made this impactful. You seem to understand that if someone we have a personal connection to is hurt, we readers feel it. You're right, and there you played it perfectly.
However Silverspeak isn't really involved in the death of the Mane Six. You understand that your readers have emotional attachments to them, you're right, we do, but you really show your hand as an author in killing them. Its as if you're saying "Look how dark its getting. All the ones we care about are dying. If you don't believe its dark yet, hold onto your hats, its going to get even darker." But the problem is the same as those of say Warhammer or Starwars were planets are obliterated... do we really care? It just seems like senseless overkill. If you write that a thousand ponies were killed, or ten thousand... what's the emotional difference? There's just an increasing feeling of senselessness to it.
"Because of your comments, there will be an explanation about how Celestia, Luna, and the Mane Six were unable to stop Iron Hoof when they were on his doorstop in the next chapter, one that does not involve the arch-dragons. And although the overall story will still be the same, I will attempt to lighten the tone and certain scenes."
More Luna exposition.... groan... yay... Recently she's kinda acted as your narrator for things you want us to be aware of, with the action taking place elsewhere. I'd prefer if you just show it, rather telling us about it. I don't want to sit through paragraphs of Luna apologetically explaining how something like that could happen.
And it certainly doesn't matter to me whether Iron Hoof did it using super-alicorn juice, or evil megacorn powder, or avada kadavra, or a blastonator 2000 rifle, or with help from the arch-dragons, or by the fact that when faced with armies of tens of thousands even the greatest heroes would fall.
What sort of weapon, or plot-device, dance move, or trick he used doesn't really matter. I think writing about that wouldn't really make what happened seem less pointless.
As far as I'm concerned Iron Hoof defeated them simply with a thrust of his pelvis.
Ah, so Silverspeak wasn't a bruiser, just brainwashed into using his talent. And what a talent it is. I bet he only wishes he had that level of potential when he was much, much younger.
I see nobody's asking the obvious question of why Silverspeak broke free of his brainwashing just now. The biggest probability is that his brain tumor developed to such a state that it cancelled out whatever brainwashing there was. Green Wing also mentioned destroying a generator, which may have had something to do with his brainwashing. But there's too much of a possibility that he's a sleeper agent. Silverspeak's escape from Iron Hoof's base shows some inconsistencies, as some of the guards treat him with hostility, instead of expressing confusion as to why he's attempting to leave the base. The biggest plot contrivance is how did Iron Hoof's medics and technicians not catch Silverspeak's tumor for twenty-five years?!
Of course Silverspeak and Celestia aren't going to meet now, either. But, saying that...it seems foolish for Celestia to leave like that, even if she had a faint hope. So far it seems like Celestia and Luna are the only ponies capable of using magic to get to and from the moon. Given the mentions of space flight in the first couple of chapters, and that they have a nuclear weapon or magical equivalent, sooner or later Iron Hoof's forces might be able to reach the moon, but capturing Celestia and turning her would let them do that a lot quicker.
As for Iron Hoof himself...I wonder what creature is controlling him.
Shit's going downhill faster than a pyroclastic flow
Also:
you may have forgotten to delete 'hammer' when checking through the edits hehe
Wow... Silverspeak, you had it harsh... Want a hug?
Goddamn...
As I said before, we're taking off into the tragediies very quickly, which I've noticed is a completely different pattern from the first two. Whereas the first two took their time getting into the action and disaster, we now see rock bottom before the first act is done! I totally called genocide, only it's for the glory of the master pony race, not the master cyborg race. On top of that, the enemy has figured out how to make nuclear weaponry (or something similar), the undesirables are living on the moon due to the sheer destruction of the planet, and more than half of the royalty/hero class is dead! And, Silverspeak was indeed controlled for their purposes (as Minister of Propaganda) so now everyone good and unfamiliar with him hates him, and he's on a time limit with his tumor! Jesus...
Good lord, Greenback you really must believe that the concept of 'happily ever after is bullshit. We could've stopped with Silverspeak doing two years and becoming a speech writer. We could've stopped with Silverspeak and Beakbreaker happily married until they died peacefully together. We could've had so much fewer innocents dead in the background, maybe even have his parents live a little longer! We could've had Silverspeak not lose his body or become an alicorn again and be able to raise a family proper! We could've had Silverspeak and Celestia become besties alongside Luna before all the shit hit the fan! We could've stopped all of this senseless tragedy so. much. Sooner!... Mangus made his life a misery and tried (and succeeded) to take so much away from him. Chrysalis took her invasion and cranked it up to eleven with the war that threw every possible good thing to waste. And now there's this Iron Hoof, a Hitler-esque madman who desires war and purity of the pony master race, and with what seems to be a figurative flick of the wrist, takes all the good in Silverspeak's life and burns it to the ground... Greenback, can I ask you something please?... what's the point? what is the purpose, the moral you're trying to show here? What am I, the reader, supposed to take from witnessing all the shit and the blood and the beatings that your character takes? Sure, he came out on top many times over so it would seem that determination and perseverance in the face of despair seems to be paying off, but why won't it stop? Why do these challenges keep coming specifically for him and get progressively worse (I mean besides him being the main character, and tragedy being a core theme that you have to ramp up in order to keep the MO of the series)? Can you answer that? I'm not saying you're doing bad writing here, but I'd like to know what you and we are gaining out of this?
Anyway, I was wrong about about Beakbreaker being dead though (for the time being at least) so we've got something going on there. And of course Celestia has been thwarted into danger once again. Seriously, she's the other character here that doesn't get a break (and as a Celestia fan, this irks me)... As for Iron Hoof, clearly there are other pieces of the puzzle that is his motivation, up his sleeve. He couldn't have just asked the arch dragons to join him and expect them to follow him unless he had a serious edge. That edge is what I believe will be the focus of the penultimate conflict. Until we hear more about him, I can't say anything else solid about him (besides him being a total dick that ruins everything). On a more positive note, the final bit here with Silverspeak and Luna (come to think of it, most of this chapter) really speaks about how the two of these characters have become such close friends. It's a little slice of comfort in this hell you created. Also, I still notice how Luna is the only canon character to have extensive interaction with your character(s), and I never understood why. Is she just easier for you to write, or are you just a Luna fanboy panderin'?
Well, until next chapter!
P.S. I keep thinking the final battle between Silverspeak and Iron Hoof will go out like Snake and Ocelot/Liquid in MGS4. I'm not sure why?...
P.P.S. Here's hoping you don't get any ideas of bringing Mangus back a third time around.
P.P.P.S. End of Act 1? Is this story going to be significantly shorter or something?
8407018
While I do enjoy happy endings, especially well-earned ones, I've become more appreciative of bittersweet endings as I've gotten older: the endings where things are lost, but gained as well. Silverspeak keeps losing what he thought he wanted/needed, but gains something more valuable in the process. And this being the end of the series... well, it wouldn't be proper to reveal what happens, but there is an ultimate purpose to everything: The 'Monster' trilogy follows Silverspeak at all three stages of his life: youth, adulthood, and old age. This installment is meant to explore the theme of the legacy we leave behind when our life is over, and how our actions influence those around us.
With regards to Luna and the other cannon characters, it's always been my intention to have Silverspeak's story be largely separate and self-contained, with only occasional meetings with characters from the show. Most of that is due to wanting to avoid having Silverspeak seem like he's competing with the Mane 6, or trying to impress them. As I've said elsewhere, there's a reason Celestia hasn't appeared yet, so Luna fell into the role of the main show character Silverspeak interacts with the most.
Finally, this story is going to be shorter than the previous two, but as the series finale, it has the biggest moments of the saga, so it's a 'quality over quantity' matter.
Not a believer in happy endings are you?
8407203
You do realize that you are doing this by rather contritely killing off the ENTIRETY OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS in order to 'not make him compete or try ti impress them'.
Honestly it has become straight up comedic at how blatantly grimdark and 'screw the mane characters imma kill them and everyone they know' this entire series has become......... No dude. It would not be that fucking hard to kill one dude for an alicorn. In fact i would wager that Celestia, luna, cadance, fucking Twilight, would be able to dispose of him instantly at the very beginning of any conflict. Because what is gonna stop them? Nothing at all. Not even those plot devices you call Archdragons would be able to stop em.
... I am being overlty harsh, but these are the exact same issues from your second story. Implausible leaps of logic for the sake of telling a darker story.
I could just sign off quietly and not say anything, but as comments and views are the only currency an author can get on this site, I hope that this makes sense.
I'm unsubscribing from this stories feed (moving it from 'favorites' to 'read later') until it's complete. My main reason being that a roller coaster is only fun, if you are sure in the end, you'll get off safely. And the signs are now that the only way I would be comfortable continuing to ride this train, would be if I could k
leep ahead to be sure the destination is one I care to go to.
While the writing style and payoffs in the prequels were enjoyable, you as an author has a fetish for "villain sues" that is villain' s who out class the protagonists unrealistically in ways that show the hand of the author too clearly.
You may want to concentrate a bit more on the slice of life aspects of your stories and not necessarily try to make ever life event a world shaking adventure.
Hope to read the ending soon.
8408616
My apologies for the late reply, but after reading your comments I wanted to put some thought into them. I killed the Mane Six to show that Iron Hoof and his forces are not a force to be taken lightly, but I can see how readers would interpret it as being mean or because I don't like the mane six, which I don't.
Because of your comments, there will be an explanation about how Celestia, Luna, and the Mane Six were unable to stop Iron Hoof when they were on his doorstop in the next chapter, one that does not involve the arch-dragons. And although the overall story will still be the same, I will attempt to lighten the tone and certain scenes.
8422253
I"m sorry you feel that way, cosmofur, but I can understand where you're coming from. I admit that I have a problem in writing villains who are too powerful/strong/intelligent, which has been a struggle to overcome in this series, and I'll try to tone it down through the rest of Sunfall. And because you and others have remarked on the darker feel of this story, I will work to tone it down. The overall story won't be changed, but there will be lighter moments throughout.
I hope that you find the ending satisfactory when it's posted.
8423851
Honestly i doubt there could be any possible explanation for it that could justify his continued existence. It be like if the entirety of the justice league decided to kill Lex luthor or the Joker. They just don't have to means to defeat them.
Also you fell into a trap there. A villain killing or defeating the characters from the show is a constant trope. Not ot mention it is illogical that they would even be on the front lines to begin with, rather than grouped together and kept away from it all.
It honestly does not make him seem stronger, it just further cements how little sense it makes that such an obvious threat orchestrated all of this.
It is a near identical issue from your prior story where Mangus, a unicorn responsible for outright mass slaughter, whose thirst for power is impossible to surpress, was used as an ally when they actually surgically made him incapable of magic in the first place.
You are trying to escalate things to make the situation seem more serious. But the issue is you are not using the writing to do so. It is immensely common weakness too. You are using the story to move forward the characters, rather than using the characters to move forward the story.
The distinction is that you are focusing more on moving the story along than taking into account how the characters themselves would behave. And the characters are the core of a story.
***Warning this rant was really long. Far longer than I intended it to be. I was very much in love with the two previous stories, and with the character arch of Silverspeak, so I apologize for sounding like a salty fan, who's angry that his favorite show has changed. I wanted this comment to be more calm and cool-headed, and I honestly don't like how what I wrote came out, I guess my emotions got the run of me, but I still stand by the points, if not the salty tone.***
End of Act I... we're only halfway? Or third-way?
Tdlr; I love you man, you're a great writer and I hope you have fun writing this. Its just not working for me.
This was originally one of my favorite pony stories, and I've always highly recommended the Original and Sequel. They were dark, but still somehow true to being pony, in the same dark and gory way that Fallout Equestria managed it. War never changes, but neither does friendship.
I was anxious about this sequel. I'd thought the previous one was it, and just accepted that the meeting with Celestia was just never going to happen, or only be implied to happen. But continuing with another sequel that would have to escalate things? For the first time I had to skim in your writing.
I understand that you're a writer who writes the kind of stories you want. And that the way this story is going, appeals strongly to you, or at least that this was the vision you had. I respect you for that, and your integrity. However I've decided to give my opinion, I find I'm not alone in having misgivings about these chapters.
As for just changing the tone in the upcoming chapters... how would you turn this more light hearted? You've killed the Mane Six, Shining Armor, Cadence, even Flurry Heart, all involved in a last stand, and you're even stripping Silverspeak of what little he has has gained, though you say later to replace with something as-good-or-better, And now his pseudo-cyborg-alicornhood is also falling apart (again... seriously... like in the first story?) it looks like you're about to kill Luna and Celestia, most of the population of Equestria, etc... etc...
How do you turn that less grim? Adjust that tone? It'd be like being more lighthearted about the Holocaust.
I really don't get why these heroic characters are just flung aside. Do you really need them to die? Is it just to show just how awesomely badass Iron Hoof is? Or to make room for SilverSpeak becoming Captain Awesomost, a strong-independent-hero who doesn't need anyone to save Equestria? Neither of those seem good narrative wise, and if its just arbitrary, just tragedy-fuel, it just feels pointless. We learn about their deaths... in a short comment by Luna. Just thrown out there... one paragraph. We don't see it happen. We don't see anything. Whatever happened to show, don't tell?
You kinda nuked the fridge there, or jumped the shark, or whatever we call it now. Its definitely a point of no return for this story.
I'm sorry it just breaks suspension of disbelief. At this point the villain can just walk up to any pony army conceivable and go 'bang you're dead'. Nothing stands in his way. Him vs the cast of the greatest heroes of Equestria and their armies... and he wins. I'm sorry, I don't know how you plan to write a coherent story where he's beaten without it just being an accident, or poetic justice where a plot-device (arch-dragon) just eats him just... because he was mean to them or something, or Silverspeak managing to trick him? Or do you plan on super-charging SilverSpeak making him an actual alicorn. With flesh and blood wings, and magic that Twilight Sparkle couldn't rival, being as Iron Hoof effortlessly wiped her out? Super harmony Silverspeak?
I just don't see how you plan on making it bittersweet at this point. If in the end he dies heroically, and the only meeting he has with Celestia is with her meeting his coffin holding a eulogy over this pony who wrote to her a long time ago... I'll be disappointed. If he does meet her, but its an indifferent meeting, I'll be disappointed. If he dies and his soul moves to the afterlife, and Celestia somehow escorts him, and there's where he'll get the conversation he wanted, I'll be weirded out. If he survives, but now he's 70 and he's dying, and maybe will have a sweet retirement with Beakbreaker, maybe with some recognition for his services... that might be okay, but I don't see how its a bittersweet end, just a tragedy coming to an end.
It seems you wanted to raise the stakes from the previous stories, which is reasonable because this is a sequel, but instead of making this the most significant story, it has just moved everything into pointlessness and absurdity. There's no balance or reason for the tragedy anymore. Everyone is dying, and its not even strictly speaking Silverspeak's fault, like it was in the first one. Its just pointless death for the sake of tragedy.
I'm sure the vision you have sounds very cool to you, and by all means pursue it, but I doubt it'd be appealing to this reader.
Frankly you might as well just write a comment about the ending with spoiler tags, so we can see what it is. See whether chewing through the upcoming chapters-o-more-senseless-death-and-lack-of-payoff would be worth it to get there. I'd rather know honestly. I'm not enjoying reading these chapters, and if you feel you can redeem the story, let me know how. I'll gladly trade surprise for closure.
You have me. I love Silverspeak and the horrifying drama he's gone through. His pride and ambitions in the first one, his aspirations and love for Celestia, his desire to meet her which for a long time was a big motivator for him to keep going even when things were hard. Something that was only downplayed later when he rejoined Beakbreaker in the sequel. How unfairly he was treated that led him to start pursuing the things he did. What consequences it had, and what the fallout of that was in the sequel.
I love Silverspeak as a character. So I want to know how it ends.
I'm not a good critic, I'm just a fan of yours. I can only write with the admittedly disappointed feeling I have. If you don't feel there's substance to my points, feel free to ignore them. But I kinda feel like the previous stories were all for nothing considering where everything is headed now. All that sacrifice in vain. I'm not sure that's a good story.
And honestly, you kinda dangle carrots you never really deliver on. That can be a good way to catch a readers attention. At first. However, remember that we remember. And each story you close without giving us that carrot, we feel cheated. Silverspeak, not quite daring to peek inside the coffin down in the crypt, wondering if somehow a gheist of that original horns owner was still there. What was in there? Who cares, move on, next plot. The meeting with Celestia, which is perpetually on hold, and if you cheat readers out of that one at the end we will feel cheated. By the time he meets her, if he even gets to meet anything other than her desicrated corpse (considering your story's tone), then Silverspeak won't be in any shape, way or form identifiable with the pony who looked up to her and wanted to be like her. If he gets there and its just a boring, depressing, 'I don't care about this anymore, she's just a pony like me' moment, I will feel cheated.
No matter how brilliant you think your ending is.
I'll wait until, if, you finish this work. Hopefully soon. I'll skim ahead, get the ending spoiled, see if it looks worth understanding the context of and then read the story.
I don't want to read about more death, that's just death because death is tragedy-fuel, and you want to impress on us just how horrifying this war is, compared to the changeling attack, and how awesomely badass and evil your new villain is. We get it, he's over 9000. No really... we get it. He's the Donut Steel of evil and powerful villains (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljepXAaAmiw). And at this point I'm pretty sure he can kill Celestia just by looking at her and going 'Boo-yeah!' And there'll be a confrontation, and lots will die because death, and villain will die and Silverspeak will probably die too, but legacy... and stuff... I'm not sure I care about the villain, we get that its important for you to use a lot of deaths to show how extra hard it is for Silverspeak this time and how horrible this war is.
But I don't like it, and I really don't want to read more of it. Not until I know where it's going.
Unfavorited and down-voted. I'll keep reading your notifications, looking for a statement about it being done and ready to be told. I might even check the next chapter, skim it, see what's going on, but not read it.
Thank you for all your writing. You'll always remain one of my favorites. You tried something new and bold with this one, its your story, maybe it makes sense and appeals to you, but as a reader... the story now just feels pointless, and if you're not even aiming for a worthwhile resolution but just tragedy and maybe an epilogue about a happy legacy... then count me out. You'll always have a say on what's canon, just as McCafferty's really bad ghost story in Dragonriders of Pern was considered by her to canon, one horrible bad story out of the many she wrote. However, as a fan, its... not part of my headcanon.
In order for something to be bittersweet, there has to be sweet. Where's the sweet at this point?
Good luck man, have fun writing this.
"I killed the Mane Six to show that Iron Hoof and his forces are not a force to be taken lightly, but I can see how readers would interpret it as being mean or because I don't like the mane six, which I don't." - Greenback
I missed seeing this before I wrote my post. Groan... seriously? You killed them, just to show him to be a badass? I hoped there was more to it. Heck I even hoped that like Beakbreaker it was just another 'gotcha' thing. That would have been bad, but not this bad.
Do you know what horror you had which affected me the most? Silverspeaks boss losing his horn permanently, all because Mangus got access to the alicornification process because of Silverspeaks carelessness.
There was something personal to that, and it connected to Silverspeak. No death, some gore, but it was the connection to Silverspeaks actions which made this impactful. You seem to understand that if someone we have a personal connection to is hurt, we readers feel it. You're right, and there you played it perfectly.
However Silverspeak isn't really involved in the death of the Mane Six. You understand that your readers have emotional attachments to them, you're right, we do, but you really show your hand as an author in killing them. Its as if you're saying "Look how dark its getting. All the ones we care about are dying. If you don't believe its dark yet, hold onto your hats, its going to get even darker." But the problem is the same as those of say Warhammer or Starwars were planets are obliterated... do we really care? It just seems like senseless overkill. If you write that a thousand ponies were killed, or ten thousand... what's the emotional difference? There's just an increasing feeling of senselessness to it.
"Because of your comments, there will be an explanation about how Celestia, Luna, and the Mane Six were unable to stop Iron Hoof when they were on his doorstop in the next chapter, one that does not involve the arch-dragons. And although the overall story will still be the same, I will attempt to lighten the tone and certain scenes."
More Luna exposition.... groan... yay... Recently she's kinda acted as your narrator for things you want us to be aware of, with the action taking place elsewhere. I'd prefer if you just show it, rather telling us about it. I don't want to sit through paragraphs of Luna apologetically explaining how something like that could happen.
And it certainly doesn't matter to me whether Iron Hoof did it using super-alicorn juice, or evil megacorn powder, or avada kadavra, or a blastonator 2000 rifle, or with help from the arch-dragons, or by the fact that when faced with armies of tens of thousands even the greatest heroes would fall.
What sort of weapon, or plot-device, dance move, or trick he used doesn't really matter. I think writing about that wouldn't really make what happened seem less pointless.
As far as I'm concerned Iron Hoof defeated them simply with a thrust of his pelvis.
Ah, so Silverspeak wasn't a bruiser, just brainwashed into using his talent. And what a talent it is. I bet he only wishes he had that level of potential when he was much, much younger.
I see nobody's asking the obvious question of why Silverspeak broke free of his brainwashing just now. The biggest probability is that his brain tumor developed to such a state that it cancelled out whatever brainwashing there was. Green Wing also mentioned destroying a generator, which may have had something to do with his brainwashing. But there's too much of a possibility that he's a sleeper agent. Silverspeak's escape from Iron Hoof's base shows some inconsistencies, as some of the guards treat him with hostility, instead of expressing confusion as to why he's attempting to leave the base. The biggest plot contrivance is how did Iron Hoof's medics and technicians not catch Silverspeak's tumor for twenty-five years?!
Of course Silverspeak and Celestia aren't going to meet now, either. But, saying that...it seems foolish for Celestia to leave like that, even if she had a faint hope. So far it seems like Celestia and Luna are the only ponies capable of using magic to get to and from the moon. Given the mentions of space flight in the first couple of chapters, and that they have a nuclear weapon or magical equivalent, sooner or later Iron Hoof's forces might be able to reach the moon, but capturing Celestia and turning her would let them do that a lot quicker.
As for Iron Hoof himself...I wonder what creature is controlling him.