Gilda
Twilight had long since learned to not get involved in any stupid bullshit that her so-called friends got up to, so Pinkie had no one to blame but herself when she kept asking around about where Rainbow Dash was and Twilight's response was "Do I look like I give a shit, now fuck off."
Pinkie found Dash shortly after, anyway, but Twilight did not care. She was enjoying being left alone, as most of the townsponies had learned by now, but for some reason those other five ponies kept trying to rope her into things.
So when she was trying to do something sciency at her library house, and she found out her ink was replaced with disappearing ink, she was not only unhappy, she also knew exactly who was responsible.
That's why, moments later, Ponyville witnessed a very irate unicorn slam open the door of the library, with a look that could kill and a gun that could also kill but more literally. "Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, you get the fuck over here!"
The ponies in question ran/flew off, laughing their asses off, unaware how close they came to being dead.
The rest of the day was spent with Twilight angrily cleaning the mess that resulted, and Spike getting beat a little bit harder than usual.
At least, until word got back to Twilight about how apparently there was now a griffon in town that was one of Dash's old friends, and was keeping Pinkie from hanging out with the pegasus.
Of course, Twilight learned this from Pinkie herself, which is why she was currently being held at gun point.
"First, tell me why I shouldn't shoot you for what you did earlier," Twilight asked, fuming.
Pinkie giggled. "Because then you'd derail the plot too much!"
"...shit, you're right."
Twilight released Pinkie from the hold, but didn't put the gun away. "Second, why is this my problem?"
"Because that griffon is mean!"
Twilight just stared at her.
"Yeah, no, fuck off."
And then Pinkie was unceremoniously booted from the library.
Later, Twilight heard that Pinkie was throwing yet another party because why not, and that the griffon would be there. Deciding she still hadn't met her anger quota for the day, Twilight decided to pay a visit.
The party was pretty typical for a Pinkie party, as in painfully PG. Twilight hoped that one of these days, Pinkie would start throwing real parties, with some combination of booze, coke, and maybe strippers, she'd have to think about that one.
Until that day came, she instead settled for watching the various pranks Pinkie enacted on the griffon, who she learned was named Gilda. She had to admit, seeing someone else in pain almost got her to smile.
The latest prank involved a cake with candles that wouldn't go out, but what was far more interesting to Twilight was how when Gilda rushed over to blow the candles out, she body-checked Spike across the room.
She agreed that the lizard deserved it, probably, but she never saw anyone else act so callously towards him, besides herself.
Maybe this griffon wasn't so bad after all.
Of course, everyone started laughing at Gilda when she failed to blow out the candles, because all ponies are actually jerks.
"Relighting birthday candles, a classic!" Spike chimed in from his seat in a hole in the wall.
"I wonder who could've done that," Pinkie said, a smug as shit smile on her face.
"Yeah, I wonder..." Gilda added, glaring at Pinkie.
"Who cares!" Spike said, literally digging into the cake to eat it from within. "This cake is amazing!"
"Spike you fat fuck get out of the cake," Twilight said, pulling Spike out with her magic and throwing him back into his hole in the wall.
After that, Applejack suggested playing "pin the tail on the pony." Despite a few choice words about how stupid both the game itself and the name was from Twilight, the rest of the partygoers participated, with Gilda insisting that she go first because she is not a smart griffon who can recognize patterns.
However, somehow, Pinkie managed to pull some reverse psychology on Gilda and got her to walk opposite of the way she was supposed to go, resulting in Gilda slipping and falling and making herself look like an idiot. Of course, this got the ponies to all laugh at her again, which resulted in Gilda metaphorically exploding.
Twilight had her gun drawn, just in case, but simply watched to see what would happen.
"This is your idea of a good time?!" Gilda asked, understandably upset. "I've never met a bunch of dweebs in all my life! And you, Pinkie Pie! You are being a lameo with your weak little party pranks! Did you really think you could make me lose my cool?!" She went over to Dash and put a claw around her shoulders. "Dash and I have ten times as much fun as you dweebs! Come on, Dash, we're bailing on this pathetic party."
Gilda started leaving the building, but Dash stayed put. What followed was a heartful message about friendship and how everything was actually Dash's fault, because she's the biggest cunt on the show she's good at taking credit for other ponies' work. It ended with Dash saying Gilda should go and find other friends, which honestly would probably be for the best because god damn ponies are dicks.
Gilda then accused Dash of being a piece of footwear, before storming out and leaving. Twilight, having spent the whole confrontation honestly confused, made up her mind what to do then.
"Wow, talk about a party pooper!" Spike chimed in.
"Shut the fuck up Spike," Twilight said, following after Gilda and putting her gun away.
She found the griffon just about to fly off. "Hey, Gilda, hold on."
Confused, Gilda looked at Twilight. "What, are you here to convince me to try and 'change my ways for the betterment of friendship'?" she asked, putting a fake happy voice on.
"Oh, god, fuck no," Twilight said. "That's fucking stupid."
That piqued Gilda's curiosity. "So why are you here?"
"Because you're the first person I've seen who can recognize all this bullshit for what it is." Twilight slipped a business card to the griffon. "Here, let's keep in touch."
Gilda looked at the card, confused, before nodding and putting it away. "You know, maybe ponies aren't so bad."
"No, they suck," Twilight countered. "But they at least know how to mind their business, usually."
After that, the two unlikely friends said their farewells, and Twilight decided to go home.
Once again, Celestia found a letter waiting for her just before she went to bed.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I made a friend, now get off my ass.
Twilight
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I've toyed with the idea of writing a story similar to this. I look forward to seeing how this goes.
7742291
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....nothing died in this chapter.
7744231
I apologize for the disappointment.
To make up for it, two things will die in the next chapter.
This is now my reaction to this story.
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Your writing is perfectly fine and I can see why people like it...but for the life of me this is just a train wreck that keeps becoming more of a wreck the more chapters it has. Keep writing and enjoy what your doing but I'm not enjoying this meta bull shit, it's one thing to make a meta story to make fun of it, it's another to just make it like a troll fic where it's nonsense and really bad stuff...again keep writing cause I can see why it's good, but...sorry I just have to voice my concern with this story instead of just down voting it just to down vote.
Reading this is oddly cathartic.
7744236 thank god. Also when will nechromancy happen because luna is kinda nessisary if you whana have twilight shoot the tantabis.
7744236
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AH, what a good ending.
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This is a rather fun collection of humorous events. The fact that I once toyed with the idea of replacing the Elements of Harmony with a gun before deciding it would be impossible to do seriously might play a part in how much I enjoy this deliciously silly bulletfest.
I just imagine that Malcolm Tucker from In The Loop was put into the body of Twilight. And this is his reaction to all the shit that happen's. Malcolm Tucker and this Twilight's characters are so much alike. I have to wonder if you did Twilight based off of him.
Also when is Twilight gonna deal with the Zebra and the cutie mark crusaders?
When I saw that you did a Gilda chapter my thought was 'oh no, not another revenge fantasy'. Instead, you threw me a bit of a curveball and took things in a different direction, and that sold me on this story. Maybe we'll see Gilda come back... with a rifle? Anything is better than being a scone baker, ANYTHING!
7748792
While realistically things would go rather badly, as you said, there also deserves to be a mention of the fact that this scenario involves cartoon ponies in a magical fantasy world.
Also, Twilight is in Ponyville under direct orders from Celestia. Even if there were laws broken by her actions (which there were, of course), it's pretty likely it would be overlooked or swept under the rug because of that sort of favoritism, seeing as apparently she hasn't done anything about the sister-cide.
As for the gun, I never really said how big it was. For all you know, I could be writing this with the vision of Twilight just hauling a massive 20mm cannon everywhere. Shit I should write that down somewhere
7748809
I instantly got a really funny visual on twilight carrying some big ass op gun. Then I remembered this, https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schwerer_Gustav
Absolutely beautiful. Loving this story.
You're thinking too small, you can solve so many other problems with guns
*Click*"Applejack, stop refusing our offers to help you!"
*Click*"Rainbow, get over your fear of performing or I'll give you something to be scared about."
*Click*" Princess, is there any way I can persuade you into some extra Gala tickets?"
Wouldn't bullets be useless if you just used magic to stop them? Genuine question here. Ladies and gentlemen of the comment section; discuss!
As much as i enjoyed reading this story, I'm afraid I'm just more of a sword and/or scythe kind of guy. But that's just me. Nice writing, author.
7750228 *Click* Chrysalis, let me make you another hole in your body.
Okay what? The Ursa Minor was a big monster that at ponies. Twilight had a right to be a cunt because of the whole bullshit revolving around that.
Nightmare Moon was going to plunge an entire country into darkness and cause a starvation within a few months. So Twilight naturally didn't really care much about who she was if it's an apocalyptic scenario. She had a right to be a bit of a cunt there. (Except for the whole yelling "Your Welcome" as if she should be thanked for killing her mentors family. Twilight may have a good reason, but she must feel somewhat guilty about the whole affair.)
So tell me. Twilight get's a gun, and she opts to solve everything with a gun.... Sorry but what? I get monsters and tyrants. But you can't solve all of your problems by killing them. It will cause more problems in the long run.
You could argue that part of the joke is that in the long run she makes things worse. But you know.
7750448
Chrysalis: *Transform* "Wait Twilight! You wouldn't shoot your beloved foalsitter and future sis-" BANG!
7742314 When the hell did she take a drug?
7750499 But if she shot Chrysalis then her brother is back on the market, isn't he?
Or is this some sexual joke I haven't understood?
7750531 Twilight's projecting her anger at Cadence onto fake-Cadence.
7750639 Oh.
Meh, back to the Christmas animation for me.
7744231 I died a little inside
I like this. I can't wait to see her reaction to the Flim Flam brothers.
Maybe she falls out with her old friends in the end and Gilda, Flim, Flam, and whoever else become the new Elements of
HarmonyNo Fucks Given.7750529 Fluttershy had a pill for the Celestia's pet Phoenix that was nearly the size of the birds head all the way back in season one.
7752188 Oh I thought you meant one of the pony characters popped a pill. Yeah I know about Philomena getting a pill in that episode.
I GO TO PRANCE FOR WAR FUNDS
I COME BACK WITH MORE GUNS
7750982 There's a Punisher crossover if you're interested. I don't own it and it's mature, so I can't link it. But you can look it up in the site searchbox for it.
7748809
Didn't get to this earlier because for some reason your reply didn't show up in my notifications. I would also like to make it clear that what follows is meant with no intention of malice, and apologize if I seem to be getting on a soap box. This shall be my final peace on this story, and I will not reply further to any comments linked to it nor PM's sent with regards to the topic.
I take firearms very seriously, and believe that anyone with access to them who doesn't is a danger to both themselves and those around them. US Citizens may have the Constitutional Right to Bear Arms under the Second Amendment, but I also believe that those of us who choose to exercise this right have the Responsibility to conduct ourselves responsibly while doing so, and to educate ourselves on their appropriate use.
I find nothing funny about firearms.
There's nothing funny about the man who shot an undercover Cop trying to break up what he assumed was a domestic dispute.
There's nothing funny about the guy who killed himself while showing off his new handgun to his friends because he forgot it was loaded.
There's nothing funny about the wife who shot her husband because she walked in on him with another woman.
Two of the above (in no particular order) are hypotheticals that have more than likely happened at some point in time, while the third is something that actually happened which my Concealed Carry Certification Instructor used as an example.
I hope that Celestia is sitting up in her castle, mourning Luna and giving considerable thought to reconsidering her blanket support of Twilight's actions, even if that "support" is only through inaction on her part.
Some may find this story humorous, given the contents of some of the comments, but I can't and worry for those who can. I own a firearm, and proudly exercise my right to carry even if the State I now live in forces me to conceal, but I dread the day I should ever need to use it.
I like the story for the most part but I find the spike hate to be a little overboard especially since out of all of them he's the most tolerable out of all of them yet twilight hurts him the most.
7758581
Yes, but I find the idea of Spike also being the group punching bag funny, even moreso when it's a really grumpy Twilight doing it.
7759478 well each there own though I'd probably think it was funny had I not grown a soft spot for him.
Also does she use more then one type of gun or if not will she be using diffrent ones cause is the an see her using a machine gun on discord and filling him and most of the surrounding area in bullet holes an then discord pulls out a sign that says ouch.
Twi is a F*cking c*nt in this story
7758476
Look, as an NRA member and supporter, I get your feelings about being responsible with firearms and trying not to project 'I have a gun therefore I am a murder-obsessed psycho who hoards enough stockpile to create an army' to people.
... But you're worried about people's sanity and reason over their choice in fictional entertainment. Only insane people can't differentiate between reality and fiction, those are the kind of people who would kill someone for fun ANYWAY. The rest, despite how they enjoy themselves in comments, know full well that guns are not toys or the answer to all of your problems, and are just having a bit of fun pretending that it is the case because here there is no one who can be hurt.
Relax.
--------
That said, I would love this story's concept but the execution falls flat for me. It'd work better for me as a reader if Twilight was more deadpan and less 'Disgruntled' where she's just a huge bitch for no reason. So, not the story for me, I've seen too many similar for it to work out on my end.
It's not you, it's me, but also kind of you but that's okay with me.
After reading the first chapter this went right to my favorites, can't wait for the next one
7758476
I know I make this comment will be in vain (because you won't read it in stuff) but chill out a little. First off , I agree with 7788682 . Literally no one will take this in a way that would make them go out in kill someone just because they have a gun. Never has, never will.
Second, following your logic, does that mean we can't joke about our hands? It's are hands that hold the gun after all. Heck, that means we can't joke about people either, because everyone single one of us has the potential to kill.
And lastly, why bring suicide into this? It's not the gun that's the problem in that situation, it's the person who pulls the trigger (ok, it's not always their fault..but in the end it's them who pull the trigger). Heck, the gun can't make decisions, it's inanimate object.
I do take gun safety very seriously. And I play violent videogames on the daily. In fact, it's because of videogames (and to a lesser extent, stories like this) that I take gun safety seriously. If a single sniper round can take you out hundreds of meters away, I can only imagine what it would do at point blank...I do see your concerns though, I just don't like the way you went about sharing them. Just like how you might not like my opinion on the matter.
Wow, that's way to much time spent on one comment about something that has little to do with the story. It hasn't earned it's way to my favorites just yet, but it could get there if you do what Aurora said and tweak Twilight's personality to more deadpanned and dumbfounded. I'll track this story so I can see where you take it.
-_-
Oh shit, nah man what da fuck is happening spike is felling like me