• Published 23rd Nov 2016
  • 2,237 Views, 74 Comments

What If Twilight Had a Gun - The card holder

What would happen if Twilight Sparkle, instead of learning the magic of friendship, just had a gun?

  • ...


Twilight fired one last shot into the air, knocking the final parasprite to the ground. Once that was done, she turned to Fluttershy, who was looking at the ground like a scolded puppy.

"Fluttershy what the fuck did you do?"

"I... fed some parasprites..."

"Well, fucking don't, okay?"

"Okay, Twilight..." Fluttershy kicked a hoof on the ground, looking away.

Suddenly, Pinkie appeared from behind a building, playing a random assortment of musical instruments at the same time. She immediately stopped upon seeing the ground littered with parasprite corpses, though.

"Aw, Twilight, why'd you do that?" she asked. "I already had a plan and everything!"

Twilight just glared at her. "Pinkie, what is this shit."

"My plan!" She started playing all her instruments again as she walked off, but was interrupted by Twilight shooting out the drum, accordion, and whatever else she had that could be shot (spoilers: it was everything).

"Get the fuck out of here," Twilight said simply, still hovering her gun near Pinkie.

"Okie dokie!" Pinkie then began bouncing home, the destroyed instruments making a racket as she did so.

Twilight's eye twitched, and she put her gun away. "I need a fucking drink."

She started walking home, leaving behind a mildly traumatized Fluttershy to clean up all the bodies. It wouldn't be the first time, after all.

While she ignored the occasional stare from other ponies, Twilight couldn't help but feel like something was... off. Like she wasn't quite done dealing with random bullshit for the day.

Just when she was tempted to preemptively shoot into the air, in the hopes of scaring said bullshit away, there was a rustling from a nearby bush, and a strange creature fell out.

It quickly got back up, and Twilight saw that it stood on two legs, wore clothes, and had practically no hair on its body, save for a patch on top of its head.

"Uh, hello," the thing said, showing that it was most likely male. "I think I'm a bit lost. Do you think you could-"

The creature was cut off as Twilight started screaming. "WHAT THE FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

She then started shooting the creature, whose eyes flashed in recognition at the sight of the gun before he recoiled from the fact that he was kinda getting shot.


Every curse Twilight shouted out was punctuated with another shot, despite the fact that the creature had fallen down from the force of only the first two shots.

Eventually, the gun clicked dry, but Twilight continued screaming as she reloaded, and then she started shooting again.

When the gun ran out the second time, she slowly wound down her screaming. Once she finally stopped, she carefully prodded the corpse with the gun, ready to continue shooting if it moved.

When it didn't, she spoke again. "WHAT THE FUCK."

"Twilight, are you okay?" Fluttershy asked, flying in from off screen. She looked between her friend and the corpse, her face torn between worry and confusion. "Oh my, what is this thing?"

"I don't fucking know, but fucking shit, I can't deal with this," Twilight said, quickly starting to trot away. "It's your problem now!"

With another corpse disposal job tossed on top of her, Fluttershy just sighed and got to work. She was a good friend, after all.

Meanwhile, across the street, a certain green unicorn had watched the events unfold, drinking a fizzy beverage the whole time.

As Fluttershy started to cautiously prod what used to be an unknown creature, Lyra... neither did nor said nothing in particular.

She looked up. "What, were you expecting me to do something?"

Fluttershy started dragging the corpse with her mouth, grabbing it by what was probably a piece of clothing.

"Oh, I see how it is," Lyra continued addressing the sky. "I have more than one fucking character trait, you know."

And so, she left, still sipping on her drink.

Not before she quickly ran back and took a deep sniff of the corpse, of course.

Author's Note:

Next you'll say "Yay, this story isn't dead! [Fluttershy yay emoticon]"

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Comments ( 13 )

Yay, this story is dead! :yay:

ahhhhh this story is still alive :twilightangry2: *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Twilight needs a better gun. How about this one:

Sequel: Twilight gets a Shotgun.
(Her gun is coronated as well, and becomes the royal shotgun.)

Lyra's role was very good.

That looks like something that would be used against the changelings.

To small she needs to upgrade to a GAU-8/A Avenger 30 mm.

i found a storm bolter in my closet.

Bitch grab the shotty.

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