• Member Since 28th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

The card holder

"I'd stick my penis in her vagina, if you know what I mean."


Everyone knows that making friends is hard. Keeping them long enough to defeat several evil villains bent on world domination, and a few ponies who are just jerks, with nothing but the sheer power of friendship and good feelings is even harder.

Wouldn't everything be easier if you just had a gun?

Let's find out.

Coverart and the concept as a whole is from that guy named tjpones, go look at his stuff.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 74 )

Something something meta fic, something something downvoted.

*Points gun at authors forehead*
Write more chapters!

Chapter 1- You would think that a Demi-Goddess would simply get back up pull the bullets out with magic and just get angry at Twilight's insolence. Also, I'm pretty sure arrows where a thing, she must have gotten hit a few times with those, particularly in the heart and the head if they had a skilled enough Bow-Pony, how is a gun essentially being a more powerful bow and arrow be any different as a result?

Also, once Nightmare Moon gets that Gun = New Effective Weapon, she is going to want few for herself, maybe make some improvements with magic, and then all of the ponies would be FUCKED. :trollestia:

Chapter 2- Twilight is going to need something a lot bigger than a pistol to kill an Ursa Minor. (Look at the size of the damn thing, 9mm bullets are going to be nothing but Bee Stings to it considering the size and mass.)

You know how horse pills are fucking huge compared to human pills?
Imagine that horse bullets are the same way.

7742291 I'm not condemning this lovely piece of comedy sir. I just feel that the gun that I assume that Twilight has just isn't powerful enough to do the job.

Now I can get that it's something bigger. But I always treated the Ponies as Aliens rather than horses so I imagined that they would be like like four feet tall on all four hooves. ON the other hand that pill that Twilight had in that one episode was HUGE. So you have a point there.

Don't let Twilight hear you say that. Remember: the unicorn has a gun and refuses to take her medication. Ye Be Warned.



Something something meta comment, something something upvoted :pinkiehappy:

Twilight is going to need a bigger gun when that bear's mother shows up.

Who needs magic, gun's make for better spells anyway.

Got a problem and need it gone? Shoot the damned thing.

Have a friend that owes you but won't pay up? Gun can fix that.

Any major impassable plot points that can only be solved by magic? Shoot it.

Ten outta ten.

I've toyed with the idea of writing a story similar to this. I look forward to seeing how this goes.

....nothing died in this chapter.

I apologize for the disappointment.
To make up for it, two things will die in the next chapter.

Instead of saying 'something something' this story started off with 'this looks like a silly stupid idea that's probably funny' then immediatly started with 'I'm just gonna point out a stereotype and not care if it's funny or not' then have Twilight immediately murder Nightmare Moon, Celestia being depressed about seeing her sister murdered and then Twilight's all bold and saying 'your welcome' like she just handed Celestia a gift from god...I'm sorry I first thought it would be a silly story to laugh at...then I noticed that this is way too stupid to like. It's like the 'Disgruntled Friendship Student' story where Twilight's just being a bitch because bitch...

This is now my reaction to this story.
Your writing is perfectly fine and I can see why people like it...but for the life of me this is just a train wreck that keeps becoming more of a wreck the more chapters it has. Keep writing and enjoy what your doing but I'm not enjoying this meta bull shit, it's one thing to make a meta story to make fun of it, it's another to just make it like a troll fic where it's nonsense and really bad stuff...again keep writing cause I can see why it's good, but...sorry I just have to voice my concern with this story instead of just down voting it just to down vote.


Eh, I can tell I don't want to read any further after this chapter. I can imagine why it's going to be amusing for others, but for me? Well, the stereotyping and Twilight just being flat out unlikeable in the extreme without being all that funny...

Eh, have fun writing this I guess. I won't be coming back to it anytime soon.

"Why look for other ways when this works?" Twilight asked simply, still hovering her gun nearby.

Reading this is oddly cathartic.

7744236 thank god. Also when will nechromancy happen because luna is kinda nessisary if you whana have twilight shoot the tantabis.

"Rarity, Ah'm the group's token redneck farmer stereotype. 'Course I'm gonna like guns."

Annnnd upvoted.

I resemble that remark." "Rarity, Ah'm the group's token redneck farmer stereotype. 'Course I'm gonna like guns." LOL but not my kind of story. No down vote I don't do that.

This is a rather fun collection of humorous events. The fact that I once toyed with the idea of replacing the Elements of Harmony with a gun before deciding it would be impossible to do seriously might play a part in how much I enjoy this deliciously silly bulletfest.

I just imagine that Malcolm Tucker from In The Loop was put into the body of Twilight. And this is his reaction to all the shit that happen's. Malcolm Tucker and this Twilight's characters are so much alike. I have to wonder if you did Twilight based off of him.

Also when is Twilight gonna deal with the Zebra and the cutie mark crusaders?

When I saw that you did a Gilda chapter my thought was 'oh no, not another revenge fantasy'. Instead, you threw me a bit of a curveball and took things in a different direction, and that sold me on this story. Maybe we'll see Gilda come back... with a rifle? Anything is better than being a scone baker, ANYTHING!



Sorry, this is as far as I go. I'm a conscientious Concealed Carrier, and knowing what I know about both US Law, situational awareness, appropriate response and deescalation of hostilities... There are just too many things here that are simply Wrong even before the Ursa Minor shows up, that were this actually set in the US rather than Equestria would see Twilight in court and probably end up with her gun rights revoked under felony charges, and considering that she killed Celestia's sister in the first chapter, I don't think she would be liable to receive too much support from that corner.

Also, "Horse Bullets" don't really work for a handgun, as the recoil from a round that size, ignoring that something like that would make the weapon extremely unwieldy and dangerous to the user (because "Magic" or whatever), would destroy the firing mechanism with the first shot.

While realistically things would go rather badly, as you said, there also deserves to be a mention of the fact that this scenario involves cartoon ponies in a magical fantasy world.

Also, Twilight is in Ponyville under direct orders from Celestia. Even if there were laws broken by her actions (which there were, of course), it's pretty likely it would be overlooked or swept under the rug because of that sort of favoritism, seeing as apparently she hasn't done anything about the sister-cide.

As for the gun, I never really said how big it was. For all you know, I could be writing this with the vision of Twilight just hauling a massive 20mm cannon everywhere. Shit I should write that down somewhere

I instantly got a really funny visual on twilight carrying some big ass op gun. Then I remembered this, https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schwerer_Gustav

"First, tell me why I shouldn't shoot you for what you did earlier," Twilight asked, fuming.
Pinkie giggled. "Because then you'd derail the plot too much!"
"...shit, you're right."

Absolutely beautiful. Loving this story.

I'd been juggling whether or not to read this and decided to give the first chapter a go.

"Go in, shoot the bitch, and go home," Twilight said simply.

I believe I made the right choice here. *moves on to next chapter*

You're thinking too small, you can solve so many other problems with guns

*Click*"Applejack, stop refusing our offers to help you!"

*Click*"Rainbow, get over your fear of performing or I'll give you something to be scared about."

*Click*" Princess, is there any way I can persuade you into some extra Gala tickets?"

Wouldn't everything be easier if you just had a gun?

Wouldn't bullets be useless if you just used magic to stop them? Genuine question here. Ladies and gentlemen of the comment section; discuss!

As much as i enjoyed reading this story, I'm afraid I'm just more of a sword and/or scythe kind of guy. But that's just me. Nice writing, author.

7750228 *Click* Chrysalis, let me make you another hole in your body.

Okay what? The Ursa Minor was a big monster that at ponies. Twilight had a right to be a cunt because of the whole bullshit revolving around that.

Nightmare Moon was going to plunge an entire country into darkness and cause a starvation within a few months. So Twilight naturally didn't really care much about who she was if it's an apocalyptic scenario. She had a right to be a bit of a cunt there. (Except for the whole yelling "Your Welcome" as if she should be thanked for killing her mentors family. Twilight may have a good reason, but she must feel somewhat guilty about the whole affair.)

So tell me. Twilight get's a gun, and she opts to solve everything with a gun.... Sorry but what? I get monsters and tyrants. But you can't solve all of your problems by killing them. It will cause more problems in the long run.

You could argue that part of the joke is that in the long run she makes things worse. But you know.


Chrysalis: *Transform* "Wait Twilight! You wouldn't shoot your beloved foalsitter and future sis-" BANG!

:twilightsmile:: "That's for not telling me you were getting married...and taking my brother off the market."

7742314 When the hell did she take a drug?

7750499 But if she shot Chrysalis then her brother is back on the market, isn't he?

Or is this some sexual joke I haven't understood?

7750531 Twilight's projecting her anger at Cadence onto fake-Cadence.

7750639 Oh.

Meh, back to the Christmas animation for me.

7744231 I died a little inside

Twilight makes a surprisingly good Punisher.

I like this. I can't wait to see her reaction to the Flim Flam brothers.
Maybe she falls out with her old friends in the end and Gilda, Flim, Flam, and whoever else become the new Elements of Harmony No Fucks Given.

7750529 Fluttershy had a pill for the Celestia's pet Phoenix that was nearly the size of the birds head all the way back in season one.

7752188 Oh I thought you meant one of the pony characters popped a pill. Yeah I know about Philomena getting a pill in that episode.



7750982 There's a Punisher crossover if you're interested. I don't own it and it's mature, so I can't link it. But you can look it up in the site searchbox for it.


Didn't get to this earlier because for some reason your reply didn't show up in my notifications. I would also like to make it clear that what follows is meant with no intention of malice, and apologize if I seem to be getting on a soap box. This shall be my final peace on this story, and I will not reply further to any comments linked to it nor PM's sent with regards to the topic.

I take firearms very seriously, and believe that anyone with access to them who doesn't is a danger to both themselves and those around them. US Citizens may have the Constitutional Right to Bear Arms under the Second Amendment, but I also believe that those of us who choose to exercise this right have the Responsibility to conduct ourselves responsibly while doing so, and to educate ourselves on their appropriate use.

I find nothing funny about firearms.

There's nothing funny about the man who shot an undercover Cop trying to break up what he assumed was a domestic dispute.

There's nothing funny about the guy who killed himself while showing off his new handgun to his friends because he forgot it was loaded.

There's nothing funny about the wife who shot her husband because she walked in on him with another woman.

Two of the above (in no particular order) are hypotheticals that have more than likely happened at some point in time, while the third is something that actually happened which my Concealed Carry Certification Instructor used as an example.

I hope that Celestia is sitting up in her castle, mourning Luna and giving considerable thought to reconsidering her blanket support of Twilight's actions, even if that "support" is only through inaction on her part.

Some may find this story humorous, given the contents of some of the comments, but I can't and worry for those who can. I own a firearm, and proudly exercise my right to carry even if the State I now live in forces me to conceal, but I dread the day I should ever need to use it.

7748792 dude. this isnt meant to be a serious story. i fully agree that this would be bad if it were meant to be a serious story, but this is a story about twilight having a gun, low tolerance for stupidity and bullshit, and absolutely no proper idea of whats considered acceptable gun use

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