What If Twilight Had a Gun

by The card holder


Twilight had long since learned to not get involved in any stupid bullshit that her so-called friends got up to, so Pinkie had no one to blame but herself when she kept asking around about where Rainbow Dash was and Twilight's response was "Do I look like I give a shit, now fuck off."

Pinkie found Dash shortly after, anyway, but Twilight did not care. She was enjoying being left alone, as most of the townsponies had learned by now, but for some reason those other five ponies kept trying to rope her into things.

So when she was trying to do something sciency at her library house, and she found out her ink was replaced with disappearing ink, she was not only unhappy, she also knew exactly who was responsible.

That's why, moments later, Ponyville witnessed a very irate unicorn slam open the door of the library, with a look that could kill and a gun that could also kill but more literally. "Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, you get the fuck over here!"

The ponies in question ran/flew off, laughing their asses off, unaware how close they came to being dead.

The rest of the day was spent with Twilight angrily cleaning the mess that resulted, and Spike getting beat a little bit harder than usual.

At least, until word got back to Twilight about how apparently there was now a griffon in town that was one of Dash's old friends, and was keeping Pinkie from hanging out with the pegasus.

Of course, Twilight learned this from Pinkie herself, which is why she was currently being held at gun point.

"First, tell me why I shouldn't shoot you for what you did earlier," Twilight asked, fuming.

Pinkie giggled. "Because then you'd derail the plot too much!"

"...shit, you're right."

Twilight released Pinkie from the hold, but didn't put the gun away. "Second, why is this my problem?"

"Because that griffon is mean!"

Twilight just stared at her.

"Yeah, no, fuck off."

And then Pinkie was unceremoniously booted from the library.

Later, Twilight heard that Pinkie was throwing yet another party because why not, and that the griffon would be there. Deciding she still hadn't met her anger quota for the day, Twilight decided to pay a visit.

The party was pretty typical for a Pinkie party, as in painfully PG. Twilight hoped that one of these days, Pinkie would start throwing real parties, with some combination of booze, coke, and maybe strippers, she'd have to think about that one.

Until that day came, she instead settled for watching the various pranks Pinkie enacted on the griffon, who she learned was named Gilda. She had to admit, seeing someone else in pain almost got her to smile.

The latest prank involved a cake with candles that wouldn't go out, but what was far more interesting to Twilight was how when Gilda rushed over to blow the candles out, she body-checked Spike across the room.

She agreed that the lizard deserved it, probably, but she never saw anyone else act so callously towards him, besides herself.

Maybe this griffon wasn't so bad after all.

Of course, everyone started laughing at Gilda when she failed to blow out the candles, because all ponies are actually jerks.

"Relighting birthday candles, a classic!" Spike chimed in from his seat in a hole in the wall.

"I wonder who could've done that," Pinkie said, a smug as shit smile on her face.

"Yeah, I wonder..." Gilda added, glaring at Pinkie.

"Who cares!" Spike said, literally digging into the cake to eat it from within. "This cake is amazing!"

"Spike you fat fuck get out of the cake," Twilight said, pulling Spike out with her magic and throwing him back into his hole in the wall.

After that, Applejack suggested playing "pin the tail on the pony." Despite a few choice words about how stupid both the game itself and the name was from Twilight, the rest of the partygoers participated, with Gilda insisting that she go first because she is not a smart griffon who can recognize patterns.

However, somehow, Pinkie managed to pull some reverse psychology on Gilda and got her to walk opposite of the way she was supposed to go, resulting in Gilda slipping and falling and making herself look like an idiot. Of course, this got the ponies to all laugh at her again, which resulted in Gilda metaphorically exploding.

Twilight had her gun drawn, just in case, but simply watched to see what would happen.

"This is your idea of a good time?!" Gilda asked, understandably upset. "I've never met a bunch of dweebs in all my life! And you, Pinkie Pie! You are being a lameo with your weak little party pranks! Did you really think you could make me lose my cool?!" She went over to Dash and put a claw around her shoulders. "Dash and I have ten times as much fun as you dweebs! Come on, Dash, we're bailing on this pathetic party."

Gilda started leaving the building, but Dash stayed put. What followed was a heartful message about friendship and how everything was actually Dash's fault, because she's the biggest cunt on the show she's good at taking credit for other ponies' work. It ended with Dash saying Gilda should go and find other friends, which honestly would probably be for the best because god damn ponies are dicks.

Gilda then accused Dash of being a piece of footwear, before storming out and leaving. Twilight, having spent the whole confrontation honestly confused, made up her mind what to do then.

"Wow, talk about a party pooper!" Spike chimed in.

"Shut the fuck up Spike," Twilight said, following after Gilda and putting her gun away.

She found the griffon just about to fly off. "Hey, Gilda, hold on."

Confused, Gilda looked at Twilight. "What, are you here to convince me to try and 'change my ways for the betterment of friendship'?" she asked, putting a fake happy voice on.

"Oh, god, fuck no," Twilight said. "That's fucking stupid."

That piqued Gilda's curiosity. "So why are you here?"

"Because you're the first person I've seen who can recognize all this bullshit for what it is." Twilight slipped a business card to the griffon. "Here, let's keep in touch."

Gilda looked at the card, confused, before nodding and putting it away. "You know, maybe ponies aren't so bad."

"No, they suck," Twilight countered. "But they at least know how to mind their business, usually."

After that, the two unlikely friends said their farewells, and Twilight decided to go home.

Once again, Celestia found a letter waiting for her just before she went to bed.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I made a friend, now get off my ass.