Using Money!
Shining Armor sighed miserably the moment he entered the guards’ barracks and found it in the same state as the rest of the castle: empty, vacant, devoid of anyone. He glanced at a few discarded bits of armor and gear before grabbing a large flyer up off the ground.
After hardly glancing at it, he threw it in the trash. By that point in time, he’d seen enough of those flyers left scattered around the Empire to know exactly what each one said.
Shining’s stomach rumbled, so he turned his attention toward the castle’s mess hall. As if his day were somehow stuck on loop, he found not a single soul inside the kitchen area to fix him his lunch.
He stomped a hoof like a child. “That’s it! Damn it all to Tartarus! Taking all my guards is one thing, but my kitchen staff, too?”
His stomach rumbled again.
“And I don’t even know where the food is around here!”
***
“Give me back my guards, Sombra!” was the first thing out of Shining’s muzzle the moment Sombra appeared at the top of his mammoth green-and-purple brick wall. “And my kitchen staff, too! And my Compliment Giver! I haven’t had my morning compliment and it’s starting to hurt!”
Sombra raised a single brow. Atop his head was a thin golden crown—much less metallic and sharp than his last one. The letters “A.K.” had been glued to its front in small sparkling gemstones. “Pray tell, Shining. What’s a Compliment Giver?”
Just then, a stallion that happened to be strolling behind Sombra up on the wall suddenly stopped and waved a hoof at Shining. “Captain Armor! Did you find a flyer as well? I just knew you’d come eventually!” He nudged Sombra good-naturedly in the side. “Nothing gets past that pony, am I right? Not with majestic hair like that! And those dark, piercing eyes that you just want to drown in? And don’t get me started on those fabulous assets of his.”
“Okay, I get it. You’re a professional asset kisser.” Sombra poked his nose into the pony’s chest until he moved away from him.
“Why’d you even create this place?” Shining questioned most disgustedly. “And please tell me you didn’t spend all of that money you stole from us on this eyesore.”
The place in question, you ask? An amusement park known as “Adventure Land” roughly two-thirds the size of the Crystal Empire. Surrounding it was a colorful brick border, along with a moat and a bridge: the moat filled entirely with chocolate milk.
“Adventure Land” had appeared whole and complete overnight, no doubt with the help of Discord and some goading. The moment it was made, loud techno music began emitting from it, as did periodical announcements from Sombra himself—or “Adventure King” as he’d come to call himself; most announcements amounting to little more than “Is this thing on?” or “Does this make my voice sound weird?” Only a single time had he actually announced something productive, ordering vomit cleanup in the park’s “Chaos Canyon” district.
Even from a good mile away, the park seemed to have it all. Roller coasters, Ferris wheels, bumper cars, bumper boats, bumper planes (for pegasi only); haunted mansions and haunted outhouses; train rides that traveled through western-styled towns; simulated rocket trips to far away planets; picture booths with assorted costumes to wear (Princess and other well-known characters included); and even a ride in a corner of the park called “The Ride to End All Rides” that took place in a building not much larger than a broom closet. Only one pony had gone inside and had come out not ten seconds later—their head lowered and shoulders slumped.
It had indeed been the “Ride to End All Rides” in terms of fun and excitement. The only downside was that nothing could ever even come close to matching that same level of awesomeness… so life just became empty and meaningless afterwards.
The lineup outside the ride quickly dispersed.
Several days following the park’s arrival, “Adventure Land” remained as a ghost town; rides and loud music operating continually without a single pony inside. The guards working the surrounding Empire wall could do next to nothing to block out the sights and sounds sent their way as they busily patrolled. To them it looked fun. Actually, it looked positively awesome. Actually, compared to their mundane twelve-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week guard duty… it basically looked like the greatest thing in the world.
And once the flyers for the park started mysteriously appearing around town, there was little hope they’d continue to man their posts for much longer.
“Thankfully, Shining,” Sombra purred as he leaned over the railing forty feet up, “I only ended up spending fifteen of the sixty million bits the judge ordered you to hoof over to me because of that terrible book you published. What were you screaming at me again after the verdict was read? When all those ponies had to drag you out of the courtroom by the tail?”
“That you were taking away half of our bits,” Shining barked. “Half of the Empire’s entire treasury!”
“Then you should be positively elated I got such a good deal on the place!” Sombra exclaimed. “Truth be told, ten of that fifteen million went directly to Discord’s lawyer services and the other five went to stocking this place with food and some staff. Discord did all the labor for free, actually, just so long as he got a lifetime park pass and could cut any line that he so chose.” He chuckled. “Discord’s been riding the Never-Ending Exposition Coaster ever since it opened. That ride just won’t shut up!”
Speaking of longwinded exposition, Shining thought it best not to chat-up the former tyrant for much longer. He’d learned from experience that Sombra really had nothing better to do than blab.
Shining leveled a hoof at him. “Give me back my guards and staff right this instant!”
Sombra smiled as wide as a foal plotting murder. “And why would I do that? Your guards came here of their own volition, did they not? I didn’t kidnap them or anything. Why go and ruin their good time, Shining? Why do you keep trying to make me the bad guy here?”
As if on cue, a small orange filly leapt onto Sombra’s back with her forelegs held high. On her head was a plastic “Adventure Land” crown, and smeared across her muzzle was what looked like some leftover white funnel cake. “I love you, Adventure King!”
Sombra pleasantly patted the child on the head before giving her back to her parents. Then—with an even larger grin than before—he looked back down at Shining.
Shining scowled. “You totally had that planned.”
Shrugging, Sombra admitted, “Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe kids just like free funnel cake and unlimited rides. Who knows?”
The sight of the leftover icing sugar made Shining’s stomach rumble again.
“Hungry, are we?” Sombra asked. “There’s lot of good food inside here, Shining. Like corndogs and pizza and hay fries with gravy and ice cream sundaes with hot fudge and snow cones and—”
“I’d rather starve than eat any of your food!” Shining announced sternly. He winced as his belly sounded off again. “There’s still plenty of extra gruel left inside the Empire!”
If that statement sounded somewhat dumb to Shining, it must’ve sounded even worse to Sombra. Even more embarrassingly was the fact that Shining actually had no idea where any food—including gruel—was kept inside the castle.
Perched on his wall, Sombra took a warm corndog from a passing pony vendor to nibble on. “I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to, Shining. But just know that you’re always welcome inside my park. I won’t even check your I.D. or enforce the minimum height requirement for some of the bigger rides.” He snickered. “Shorty.”
By that point, hunger and annoyance had clearly taken its toll on Shining. Sombra had maybe… what? An inch on him? More than likely due to what remained of his horn?
Down in the snow, Shining’s eyelids and mouth started to twitch, as did his hooves. The next moment, he felt a swell of emotions rush inside of him, like some tornado attempting to twirl its way up his throat.
Shining had been in combat before; numerous times, in fact. But in combat the rules remained simple. You and your opponent clanked swords together until someone fell or admitted defeat. It was all very black and white; Shining had always admired its simplicity.
But now?
Shining had no idea how to describe this type of lunacy he was being forced to deal with. Sombra’s motivations seemed to change on a daily basis; his tactics and plans never staying put. What was worst of all was that Sombra was hardly acting like a villain anymore. At least back in the day when you slugged a respectable villain in the snout, ponies would rarely ask why.
Because they already knew why. They were up to no good!
But could Shining still slug Sombra in the snout and come away clean? Punch him square in the jaw for building an amusement park for all his guards and staff to enjoy? For offering him tasty food when he was hungry? For getting along with his infant daughter so oddly well?
Shining could imagine the disgruntled letter he’d eventually write his sister:
“Dear Twily,
“Think you could take care of that pesky Sombra again for me? You see, he’s sort of made this amusement park next to the Empire that everyone really likes except me, but I don’t care because I KNOW he’s still up to no good. Please stop laughing, Twilight. PLEASE stop laughing. This is serious. I GUARANTEE Sombra’s park doesn’t have nearly enough designated fire exits or maintenance workers. How soon do you think you could check out this place’s many health code violations? How’s tomorrow sound?”
With all this in mind, Shining angled his head upward and roared. Loud. Long. Slightly effeminate and with a few voice cracks around the end. Regardless of all that, it still felt good to let loose. Even if it technically didn’t solve a single one of his current problems.
“Shining?” asked a familiar voice from the railing above. “Oh, good. You made it. Come inside and hold Flurry Heart for a bit.”
Shining glanced back up. Standing next to Sombra was both Shining’s wife and his child. Around Cadence’s torso was a white-and-purple “Adventure Land” t-shirt. Flurry Heart, meanwhile, clutched tight to her stuffed “Adventure King” Sombra toy. She chewed happily on one of its pointed ears.
“Oh, come on!” Shining muttered more to himself than anyone else. “I thought we were working as a team here, Cadence!”
Cadence readjusted Flurry atop her back. “We are, hun! But there was a park special today. As long as nothing sold out, kids under three got any toy they wanted.”
Again, Sombra’s lips curled upward into a toothy sneer. “Little Flurry Heart here went right for the Sombra dolls. Ignored the bin of Shining Armors, Raritys, and Vinyl Scratches completely. We keep our toys organized by color, you see.”
Shining grimaced. “You made a doll out of me? Isn’t that a bit weird? Even for you?”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “Only if you talk to them like they’re real and bring them to bed with you… but, anyways! It’s clear you don’t like my amusement park, Shining. It’s clear you want it gone, and you also want your guards and family back. So here’s what I propose!”
“We let you back inside the Empire,” Shining finished for him instinctively.
“You let me back inside—” Sombra stopped himself and frowned. “Couldn’t even let me finish?”
Shining shook his head. “Not when the answer’s still ‘no.’ And will remain as such until the day you die. For the second and hopefully last time.”
“Such harsh words,” Sombra said, staring in the direction of his old Empire. “Such mean, nasty words after all I’ve done for you. Your guards and staff. Your wife and child, too. But with all of them busy here, who does that leave protecting the Empire? Hmm? Joke's on you, Prince of Fools! Welcome to the trap!”
With that random statement out, Sombra quickly dove over the edge of the wall, cackling as he dropped. Halfway down, his laughter stopped and was replaced with a shriek. He bounced a single time once he smacked into the hard-packed snow.
Shining walked the few paces over to him. “You were about to run inside the Empire and lock the rest of us out, weren’t you?”
“Yes…” Sombra wheezed out like the pancake-pony he currently resembled.
“But you forgot you can’t turn into smoke anymore, didn’t you? Because you broke your horn?”
“Maybe…”
“That looked like it hurt.”
“It really did…”
Up on the wall, Flurry Heart busily began squishing her Sombra toy to better match the real Sombra’s current appearance. Then she stuck its ear in her mouth again.
Shining gave his growling belly a pat. “Maybe now’s actually a good time to grab one of those corndogs you’d mentioned earlier. Want a snow cone to hold against your face while I go get one?”
Sombra eventually whispered into the snow, “That would be nice, actually…”
So there'll probably be at least another few chapters about Sombra using his money to get back inside his Empire. A rich idiot just sounds like fun.
Sorry about the delay. Over Christmas, I got exactly what I wanted! A fucking nasty cold! 
All better now, though. 
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This is the best Sombra fic I've ever read
This is funny, and weird, but funny, how Sombra's sorta winning!
And yeah, he's still got 45 million other bits to spend. ... Why not just live somewhere else?
Typos:
passed -> past
Jokes on -> joke's on
I like this Sombra...
now only if this Sombra was canon
What's next?
I never realized how much I needed this until it was so freely given
On another note, we need a sombra smiley
He's gonna run out of money fast.
BACK IN BLACK BITCHES!
I was expecting the sequel:
"Shining Armor wants his staff back inside his empire"
Oh wow, this has truly made my day! Thank you so much! Keep up the hysterical jocularity!
...I, for one, am waiting patiently for Cadance to reveal the long con and point out to Sombra after he spends all the treasury on public works and such, he's helped the Empire without having to deal with the bureaucratic loops they would have had to jump through, using the money they had planned to use for it anyway.
I'm still waiting for Sombra to finally turn Cadence over to his side...
past
it
Pffffft
Hahhaha, glorious work well done
7830282 Thank you!
7829252 Corrected!
7828989 Glad you're still digging it!
7828661 Like drugs? The first one's always free?
Actually, I think Luna needs one more. A "Things have been doubled!" expression.
7828524 That's the irony with Sombra. He's so smart, he could probably make a living anywhere, but so dumb he can't think of another place to go. Even with forty-five million bits in his non-existent pockets.
7830771
Quite welcome!
7830771
Quite welcome!
I'm just imagining the ending to this thing. Eventually something works and Sombra gets in.
He takes two steps in then walks out groaning telling them how he hates the new paint job and he doesn't want it anymore.
Queue Shining armour having an aneurism.
You know, I do not believe I have stated this earlier. The very first thing that grabbed my attention for this work, surprisingly was not the notice I got that it appeared at all. It was the picture. That, adorable, picture. Sombra looks just so HAPPY! I mean, wow, that is happiness newly wed to hope and they went vacationing at Humminahummina Tropical Retreat!
So adorable!
Okay, going to sleep now, night!
He should use chocolate.
Dang, he's even giving out free T-shirts and toys? This guy is a master manipulator.