Using Books!
Sombra stared at the snow underhoof for the longest time, his eyelids twitching while his mouth worked away on words that were never spoken aloud. Perhaps he was merely contemplating which new direction to go—which better direction to take this whole silly Empire business.
Meanwhile, Shining Armor stood near the railing atop the wall, pages of budget reports in hoof. They’d really need to start cutting down on Crystal Polish if they had any hope of staying out of the red this quarter.
Finally, Sombra’s head shot up. “Shining! I left something in there! Something important!”
“Did you now?” Shining asked, still staring at his documents. “Some bits of you left over after being torn asunder by love?”
Sombra frowned—hard. So hard, in fact, that his jaw made a sharp clicking noise as he did so. “No, you imbecile, I’m not searching for leftover pieces of myself! As should be obvious to anyone with a working set of eyes, I returned to the living completely hearty and whole!” He spun around and lifted his blanket-slash-cape, revealing his round rump. “You truly believe anything to be missing from this masterwork of perfectly sculpted plot? Hmm? Do you?”
Shining still hadn’t looked away from his reports. He asked a nearby guard, “He’s showing me his butt again, isn’t he?”
The guard gave a nod, before shielding his eyes.
With a long sigh, Shining said to Sombra, “Look, if it means that much to you, tell me what you left behind and I’ll see that it gets returned to you. Okay? That sound fair, Mr. Perfect Plot?”
Sombra’s original enthusiasm wavered. He anxiously tapped two hooves together. “Well… you see… the item I’m searching for is a bit… personal.”
Shining raised a single brow. “So… a personal mane curler of yours? A personal fang sharpener? Help me out here, Sombra. Or are you perhaps referring to that old dusty English dictionary we found in the library that you never bothered opening?”
Sombra angrily stomped a hoof. “That’s a lie! I dog-eared both ‘crystal’ and ‘slave’ in that text! And even the words ‘no’ and ‘yes’ in case I should need them!” He paused, sulking. “It’s not my fault I never got to use ‘yes’ when I could. I was saving it for a special occasion—like when I defeated you all! Would’ve sounded rather silly screaming ‘yes’ at the top of my lungs while being violently ripped apart; I’m not that much of a sadomasochist.”
So how much are you then? Shining thought oddly to himself.
“Just let me in and I’ll search for it myself,” Sombra told him. “Only I know where it is, so only I will be able to find it. Right now, it’s locked up tight inside—”
“That bedroom vault of yours?” Shining finished for him.
Even from such a vast distance away, Shining heard Sombra gulp.
“How did you even get in there?” Sombra snapped. “It was locked! There was a code-spell in place! An impossible to crack code-spell!”
“1-2-3-4-5?” Shining asked him delicately. “You didn’t think we’d try that number combo first?”
“Fine! So be it! There was only one thing in that vault anyways, so hoof it on over before I get nasty!”
“Nasty?” Shining asked. “You mean nastier than standing outside my wall, insulting and yelling at me to let you in? By this point, I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever you can dish.”
At the base of the wall, Sombra grinned, displaying fangs. “Fine. I did warn you, though.” He took a breath to signal the start of the upcoming “nastiness”. “Shining Armor?” he asked.
“Yes?”
“You’re fat and nopony likes you.”
Shining chuckled to himself. “Well, I know that’s not true.”
“Your suit of armor adds ten unflattering pounds to your frame and your white fur makes you look pasty and ill. I’ve seen powdered donuts more masculine than you. Although, I’m sure if we did enough research, we’d discover both of you filled with the exact same amounts of fattening preserves.”
Another guard on the wall nudged the guard next to them. “He kinda does look like a donut, doesn’t he?”
Shining leveled a stern hoof in the guard’s direction. “Fine! Have it your way! From here on out, mid-morning donut break is cancelled! So no more donuts for anyone! Good job, guys! Happy now?”
The guard’s shoulders slumped. “Obviously not.”
On the ground, Shining saw a half-eaten box of donuts and briskly kicked them over the edge of the wall. Wasting no time, Sombra immediately scurried over to the fallen box and started munching on a jam-filled one.
He grinned as he ate. “These are so much better than berries, twigs, and rabbit guts.”
Shining told one of his pegasus guards to retrieve Sombra’s hidden away item to bring back to him, as well as one other object. Three-and-a-half minutes later he returned with a thick, crumbling text; its heavily frayed pages close to coming undone.
Shining held out the book to Sombra. “Is this what you were talking about?”
Sombra’s cheeks flushed red as he stared back at the snow underhoof. “Yes, so why don’t you just stop wasting my time and drop it down, so—”
Thump!
It smacked him square on the head before dropping to the snow. Sombra wasted no time scooping it up, clutching it to his chest.
“Nice diary, by the way,” Shining told him. “I honestly never pictured a radical such as yourself being the writing type. Considering words in general have never been your strong suit.”
Just from the word “diary”, Sombra’s momentary relief disappeared as fast as an arrow loosed from a bow. (Perhaps an arrow aimed directly at Sombra’s heart in order to put him out of his current misery as quickly as possible.)
He asked Shining pitifully, “This is because I called you fat, isn’t it?”
“Afraid not.” Shining dropped the second item he’d gathered onto the snow next to him. Another book; this one clearly professionally made with both a book jacket and table of contents. As well as an artist’s rendition of a snarling King Sombra on it cover.
The title: “The Legacy of King Sombra: Mane Full of Secrets”.
Hurriedly, Sombra laid both books side by side, beginning on the first page of both. They matched. To his absolute horror, they completely matched.
“You printed my diary!?” he roared.
It’s hard to say what would’ve happened at that moment if Sombra had actually managed to hold on to any of his former magic after returning. More than likely, there would’ve been a giant hoof-shaped hole right through Shining Armor’s protective wall—as well as a matching hoof-shaped hole through Shining’s chest.
“We printed it years ago,” Shining explained gently. “You were dead! Or thought dead. And at the time, the Crystal Empire was in desperate need of bits! So some guards happened upon your book and one thing led to another and yadda-yadda-yadda… Equestria wide bestseller!”
“Equestria wide?” Sombra appeared on the verge of fainting. “So everyone read it?”
Shining nodded. “Yep. Even made it to number three on Celestia’s end-of-the-year book reviews. Four gold hooves out of five.”
Sombra frowned, making that jaw cracking sound again. “That’s it? Four out of five? That was my life on display, you bastard! Right up until that horrible moment I was sitting alone in my bunker waiting for the Princesses to arrive and discover just what I had done.”
Clearly invested again, Shining propped his head on a hoof. “So now that you know about the book, who was Star Chaser exactly? You mentioned him a lot in that book of yours, but never how things ended between you two. I remember he was about to be guillotined when you took pity on him, and told everyone in earshot that he’d instead receive ‘your own brand’ of swift punishment. But then you wrote that the morning afterward, you had breakfast with him. Then lunch. Then fondue. Then cheese and crackers and wine. Odd type of punishment, I must admit. Or did the punishment come before breakfast?”
Down in the snow, Sombra’s face got so red and overheated Celestia could’ve raised him into the sky like any normal morning and no one would’ve thought twice. Until they all got horrifically Sombra-burnt later in the afternoon.
Sombra only spoke in short, angry bursts. “SHUT. FACE. NOW. NO. MORE. WORDS. FROM. YOUR. FACE. I. HATE. YOUR. FACE. SHINING. DO. NOT. MENTION. STAR. CHASER. IN. FRONT. OF. ME. YOU. ARE. STILL. FAT. EVERYONE. EXPERIMENTS. IN. THEIR. YOUTH. I. HATE. YOU. SHINING. ARMOR. GO. EAT. ANOTHER. DONUT. MAKE. SURE. YOU. CHOKE. ON. IT. THIS. TIME.”
Shining waited a moment, making sure that he had finally run out of words. “Feel better now?”
“No.”
“Would it help if ponies actually thought better of you after reading your book?”
“No. What would help is if you’d just open that blasted gate of yours already and let me in.”
Tiredly, Shining shook his head. “Not going to happen, Sombra. Sorry. Instead of trying to trick us into letting you in, why not actually try doing something good? Help ponies. Become a true friend to Equestria!”
Sombra gave him a loose grin. “As truly tempting as that sounds—helping with bake sales and hoedowns and the like—I think I’d rather do the smart thing here.”
“And what’s that?”
“Suing you,” Sombra told him evenly. “I’m going to sue you. And I’d imagine by this point, you’d owe me quite a bit in royalties on all those bestsellers of mine. Better lawyer up, Shining.”
Shining balked. “And who would ever represent someone like you?”
“Discord.”
Fudge, Shining thought, although another—much nastier—word came to mind next.
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Woah. That new plan might actually sorta work. Sorta.
... Wow, Sombra may now be able to fund some more interesting schemes. By the way, I am really enjoying this.
So we weren't cranked to eleven then?
Well we are now!
Why is this comic so much funnier when read in a British accent
OH SHIT!!!!
Lawyer up
Aaand let me guess, Discord takes the winnings as payment for his services?
poor sombra cant catch a break can he
Quick Shining! Ask Celestia to represent you!
Shit, Sombra might actually be able to win that should he get an unbiased judge.
So sombras gay
Huh... Sombra might actually win this one... if you think about it that is.
Nicely done.
7749340 More curious in his youth. Or that's what I'm going with.
7749273 Still debating which direction to take this.
7749121 Was she the love interest from the comics?
7748532 Someone should give me several million dollars so I could get Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman to voice Sombra and Shining, respectively. Sir Ian McKellen as Flurry Heart, of course.
7748497 Something will happen. Something always happens.
Well...
Next!!!
Love the pure idiocy of this fic. You can't get this stuff just any where these days.
Discord, representing the little man!
pre00.deviantart.net/6570/th/pre/f/2015/124/7/b/re_organized_chaos_by_paradigmpizza-d6dxswm.png
7755493 The reference, The face, the art~ Perfection!!!
What I love about your Som-bro stories is that you capture Sombra perfectly, if he really was someone who tried to be nice! I can just imagine this happening!
. . .
. . .
Sombra, The Lawyer! The new defendant and Hope for Equestira!
I wonder how well Sombra can bake...
I have an Idea for a chapter!
Using Bad Puns!
7762751 Ha!
That's great. I'll add a link to it in the description. Thanks! 
"...Except I didn't say 'Fudge' "
Bad Shining Armor. a diary is a special place where girls - and Sombra - can express themselves honestly and openly without fearing judged!
1-2-3-4-5.........ok Sombra we get it you graduated kindergarten....whatchu want a cookie?
7974083
...I thought the brain damage happened later, but maybe he was an idiot even before he got horn-clipped.
Suddenly, Sombra's incompetence makes a lot more sense. Also, we now know why his ass is so big!
I
so much it hurt... Then I did it even harder. Then you broke me with a reference to one of my favorite comedies of all time. Why don't I come on here more often? If only to read your stuff.
8394162
A plot to match the royal sun!
7749307
Good luck with that