“Oh apple butter, not you two scam runners!” Granny Smith complained, glaring at Flim and Flam from her rocking chair on the porch of Sweet Apple Acres. “Ain’t ya’ll learned your lesson from the last time ya showed up and tried to take our farm?”
“Did we learn a lesson, Flim?”
“I suppose that when you are winning you shouldn’t go for the kill and just settle for a victory!” the two ponies grinned. “Other than that, we didn’t learn anything. We were right all along.”
“That’s an ironic echo,” Wall Breaker said as he left the house, Big Macintosh a few steps behind him. “I like a hallway with an echo. Anyway, thanks for the Royal Guard’s supply of cider!”
“…that is the strangest pony I’ve ever seen, brother, and we break into song all the time,” Flam stated before turning back to the Apples. “And this time our scheme is foolproof!”
“Indeed, brothe!” Flim said. “We are going to-“
“Sell the patent rights to your amazing machines and retire?” Apple Bloom said, trotting over. “That’s what I’d do.”
“…say what now?” Flim and Flam said.
“Sell the patent rights,” Apple Bloom stated. “You built an amazing cider making machine. You said it yourself that the only reason you lost is you paniced and tried to go for the big win. But if you’d just kept the testing process going for the apples you’d have won. You made that… all by yourselves.”
“Well… yes, we did make that,” Flim said.
“The tough part was the basic AI programming…”
“And you also made it eco friendly. That was a car that basically ran on water and puffed out steam as a byproduct,” Apple Bloom said with a shrug. “Me? I’d sell the rights to Filthy Rich. Get some bits, of course, but also stock options.”
“Stock… options?” Flam said dumbly.
“Of course! That’s where the real money is. All bits and you blow it in a week. But you get stock options and that is how you keep the money rolling in.” Apple Bloom ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek. “I mean, you must have other ideas for inventions you could make.”
Flam frowned. “Well, we were working up a scheme to race the fastest marathon runner in Equestria. While he would travel on hoof we would fly in our new vehicle we call an ‘airplane’ and… oh.”
Apple Bloom nodded. “Yup… oh. Go over your last few schemes and cons for me… I’m curious.” Big Mac opened his mouth to question what was going on but Apple Bloom jumped up and closed it. “Shhhh, big ponies are talking.”
“Well, after your farm we tried to run a scam where we pretended to be pyshics. To do that we created a telecommunications device that would allow you to…” Flim grimaced. “Right… make money off that. But we could make money off of the magic box that would heat food… crabapples.”
“I believe we’ve been giant idiots, brother,” Flam said.
“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said. “See, you want to avoid real work… you know what isn’t real work? Selling a ton of patents and then sitting on your plots while you get money back from people who sell your designs.” She shrugged. “But what do I know… I’m just the silly blank flank.” With that she trotted away, leaving Flim and Flam to think over their life choices.
The God Squad: Equestria’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 2: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again!
“Put your hooves on your hips!” Cadence sang as she trotted along the forest path.
“Please stop singing that,” the Doctor complained. “I banned that song and ‘The Power of Love’ because I am tired of hearing ponies sing it after they travel with me. If you must sing pick something I’d never expect to hear.”
“Rock Around the Clock?” Pinkie suggested.
“Heard it.”
“Time Keep’s Slippin’?” Rainbow Dash offered.
“Overplayed.”
“It’s Muffin Time! It’s Muffin Time!” Derpy sang, marching in place.
Dinky nodded and chimed in, “And now a cow pretending to be a man!”
“… okay, I didn’t expect that,” the Doctor admitted.
“Where’s the cow?” Fluttershy asked sadly, having gotten her hopes up only for them to be terribly squashed. Applejack also was disappointed but did a better job hiding it. Twilight chose not to mention that she was sure she’d met cows that were people in the High School World she’d visited.
“Alright, so we need a plan of attack when it comes to finding Tydal,” Shining said. “And I mean literal plan of attack… knowing him he’ll try to hit at least one of us with a stick… I vote Spike get that honor.”
“Yup.”
“Okay.”
“Southernism for agreement!”
“HEY!” Spike shouted.
“Just don’t bring up killing his dog and you’ll be fine,” Luna said.
“You killed a dog!” Fluttershy whimpered. “Spike, how could you?”
“It was King Sombra!”
“You killed King Sombra?” Cadence whimpered. “Spike, how could you?”
“Cadence… we hate him,” Twilight gently reminded her sister-in-law.
“We hate Tydal’s dog?” Rainbow Dash asked, scratching her head. “What did he do? Pee on the rug or something?”
“No, Sombra! He’s not a dog!” Shining snapped.
“Technically he is, thanks to the portal…” Celestia reminded him.
Rarity stared at the princesses in horror. “You mean that ruffian is back… and is a dog?”
“No,” Chrysalis said. “It’s another Sombra… from the world where Sunset was a human.”
Pinkie giggled. “Silly Chryssie-Wissie… sunsets are big glowing balls in the sky, not humans. Silly Chryssie-Wissie.”
“I am so confused right now,” Mary Sue, the black coat, red maned alicorn said, brow furrowed. “And I have coffee with Lyra every week.”
“So… Spike didn’t killed King Sombra?” Derpy asked. “Then why is there a statue of him in the Crystal Empire?”
“You make statues of ponies for killing doggies?!?” Fluttershy screamed.
Sunset sighed and took out a whistle, blowing on it as hard as she could. When everyone quieted down she said, “Enough! We need to get back on track! And I’m the mare that wanted to invade Equestria with teenagers… how I’m the sane one, I’ll never know.”
“Buck up,” Luna said, “who hasn’t had a dumb evil plan? Eternal night?”
“Piss off my family by spreading chaos?”
“Want-Me Spell causing everyone to fight over a doll?”
“Using the Moment to destroy Gallopfrey?”
“Impersonate Cadence?”
“Use the Seal of Orichalcos?” Fluttershy asked. “That was a horrible weekend.”
Spike nodded. “Kill Tydal’s dog… wait, I mean-!”
Celestia nodded. “We’ve all done horrible things… especially Discord,” the draconequus smiled weakly, “but we need to focus on saving the Capricorn who commanded his subjects to murder everypony in Canterlot a few months back and who enjoys castrating idiots.”
Applejack raised her hoof. “Wait, it’s bad to castrate things? Well dang-gum, if ya don’t learn something new every day! I owe some ponies an apology.”
“And Sunset is right… we need a gameplan.” Using her horn Celestia pulled a map from her saddle bag, along with several pairs of black glasses. “These will allow Luna, Cadence, and I to disguise ourselves. We need to appear to be normal ponies.” She looked at Discord and Chrysalis. “As for you two…”
“Fine,” Chrysalis said with a sigh, using her green flames to transform into a black pegasus pony with blue hair. Discord, for his part, snapped his fingers and turned into a brown unicorn with a snaggletooth. “Ugh, so drab,” he complained, looking himself over.
“Oh,” Rarity said, staring at Discord with half lidded eyes. “You look rather… dashing… as a pony.”
“…say what now?” Discord said as Rarity licked her lips.
“Now then,” Celestia said, enlarging the map with her magic so everyone could see it, “Tydal’s letter claimed her was living quietly and happily in this year. That means that he’s found something to occupy his time and thus keep himself from getting bored.”
“Because when father is bored he tends to kill boredom… among other things,” Luna said quietly.
“And there aren’t any screams at the moment so we’re good there,” the Doctor stated.
Celestia continued. “Now then, I suggest-“
“Hold on!” Pinkie declared. “It’s time to pick the next pony to act like Tydal! Who had the next longest stick?”
“Shining!” Cadence said, only for her husband to lean in and whisper in her ear. “Oh… OH! Nevermind.”
“Uh… I did,” Fluttershy said softly, scuffing her hoof. “Will it really make you guys feel better if… ummmm… I act like Tydal?”
“Yes,” Luna said with a smile.
Twilight patted Fluttershy on the back. “Just try your best.”
“Okay… well, here are 10 ways I can brutally torture you without killing you. Number 1-“
~12 Minutes Later…~
“...and the other hamburger will also be made of yours lungs.” Fluttershy looked at the pale group. “Did… did I do it right?”
“Y-yes,” Rainbow Dash stammered. “In fact you did it so well that you can NEVER do that again… ever.”
“Oh… okay,” Fluttershy said with a smile.
“I’m scared and kind of aroused right now,” the Doctor muttered.
“Me too,” Depry whispered with a naughty grin, her wings spread wide.
“Well…” Celestia said slowly, trying to get things back on track. “Well… the way I see it our best course of action would be to set up a base camp and then break off into teams of two to explore around or near Canterlot and what will become Ponyville.”
“Why not head to the ocean?” Rainbow Dash asked. “He’s a Capricorn, right? They love the water.”
“They do but he won’t go to the ocean,” Luna said.
“Why not?” Applejack asked.
“Would you want to live in your house if your family wasn’t there? Worse… they were in a stone sleep that you had the power to awaken them from but could not?”
Applejack swallowed, considering just how horrible that would be. “Right… gotcha.”
“But it is a smart thought that he may be near water,” Celestia said, her magic causing several nearby ponds and lakes to be marked. “We need to brainstorm several places he may be located and work from there. Water is one option… I think we should also add several locations that later became known as training grounds for warriors. Tydal might have been the one to create them.”
“He might want to keep an eye on you and Luna,” Shining wagered. “He couldn’t go to the castle but he could be nearby.”
“So the Everfree and the Castle of the Two Pony Sisters,” Chrysalis said.
“What about Canterlot?” Rarity asked. “He may not realize that you haven’t moved there yet.”
“Inside Canterlot itself… I doubt it, due to his hatred of the city, but possible. Anything else?”
“What about Ponyville itself?” Pinkie offered. “Or what will become Ponyville? Maybe he really likes it here and is staying nearby!”
“That is a possibility as well,” Celestia said, making a note of that.
“They said Starswirl is the one that delivered the letter,” Twilight said. “So unless he’s a ghost that could have been an illusion Tydal created. He could be in Starswirl’s tower… at this point in time no one would occupy it.”
“Well thought, Twilight,” Celestia said.
“He was hurt,” Chrysalis said, hating that she had to bring down the mood, “and Tydal lies. He lies… to protect us. To make us not grieve. He might have said he was living happily and peacefully… but he could be gravely hurt, his magic gone…” the others stared at her and she sighed, “we need to check the homes of local healers, see if he is hiding there.”
“…yes,” Celestia said, hating she had to agree. She knew her father… and the stubborn goat, believing it might give them peace, would lie about his wounds and claim he was ‘happy’ if need be.
She tried very hard not to think of how a long lasting mortal wound would explain him not appearing in the present day.
“So we have plenty of places to look,” Luna said, most of the others nodding their heads though Sunset merely chewed on the inside of her cheek in thought, “and now we need to figure out how to divide up the duties.”
“The Doctor, Derpy, Dinky, and Mary Sue should remain at the TARDIS, in case we need them for backup. They’re also the only ones that can operate it and I’d rather not be trapped in the past,” Twilight said.
The Doctor nodded. “Very good. If each group has an immortal in it then we should be able to track your unique magical signatures and be able to observe and, if needed, communicate with these.” He passed them all a piece of future tech, IE a wireless headset, which they all placed in their ears. “Now the TARDIS will also translate much of is said by the ponies of this time so you won’t need to resort to changing your speech patterns-“
“Hear ye, hear ye! There be no reason a bard might spoketh like thisly?” Pinkie asked.
“…so just talk normal.”
Mary Sue tilted her head, doing some mental math. “So basically every one of Twilight’s friends can team up with a member of the Squad; that will give us a good balance.” The Goddess of Fan Fictions and Entertainment began to pace. “And in the name of balance and entertainment the pairings should be unexpected.”
“Entertainment?” Spike asked.
“Yes. It needs to funny so this story keeps getting reviews. And unusual pairings will give more fodder for ShadowLDrago when he does his recap reviews.”
“…what?” Shining said.
Pinkie poked at what seemed to be thin air. “The fourth wall is holding so I say go for it!”
Mary just waved him off. “Now, let’s see… let’s see… I’m thinking Celestia and Rainbow Dash.”
“Really?” Dash whined, hating the idea that she was stuck with the most noble and thus boring of the gods. Celestia raised an eyebrow at this and Rainbow chuckled weakly. “I mean really? That’s so… awesome.”
“Hmmm.”
“As for Discord… well, I would say Fluttershy but they have tea all the time so-“
“I’ll go with him!” Rarity exclaimed, giving the transformed chaos god bedroom eyes. “He and I would make a VERY interesting pairing.”
“…what?”
Mary grinned. “Yes, that will work. Twilight, why don’t you go with Luna?”
“Because that will be an interesting pairing?”
“Because you haven’t had a chance to have some Daughter/Mother time with her.”
Twilight frowned. “She isn’t my mom.”
“Oh, break ya mother’s heart,” Luna said, adopting a variation of a Manehattan accent. “Ya know Edna Goldman’s daughter is a doc-tor… but if ya wanna break ya mother’s heart…”
“Fine!” Twilight exclaimed with a huff.
“Now that we have that settled, I’m thinking Fluttershy should go with Chrysalis. She has Discord on a short leash she might do the same for Chrysalis.”
“Hey!” Discord complained. “No pony… and I mean NO PONY… has me on a short leash!”
“Inside voice,” Fluttershy said sweetly.
“…sorry.”
Rarity licked her lips. “Don’t worry… if you want I can wear a collar and leash.”
“…what?”
“Now I am scared and aroused,” Cadence said.
“Aren’t you always that way?” Pinkie asked.
“Oh yeah.”
“Oooo! I call Cadence!” Pinkie giggled.
Mary shrugged. “Works for me.”
Pinkie did a happy dance. “We can have a party!”
“Yes! With balloons!”
“Yes! And cupcakes!”
“Yes! And double ended dil-“
“CADENCE!” the rest of the Squad shouted.
“And on that note…” Mary said dryly, “I think Applejack and Shining should be together.”
Everyone just kinda shuffled around.
“Nothing?” Mary said.
“After Princess Cadence’s comment I think we’re all good with that final pairing,” Rainbow said.
“So, what about me?” Sunset asked.
“You can be with me,” Spike said.
“…so I’m on my own or-?” Sunset smirked when Spike opened his mouth to protest. “Kidding. I’ll take the dragon.”
“Good,” Mary said with a grin. “Now then, while we should really move out and begin the search, I think the rule of story telling demands we end here and wait till next chapter, where you guys will already be in the middle of your searches.”
“…somewhere Wall Breaker is scared and aroused and he doesn’t know why,” Shining snarked.
Oh man... I needed that.
Lots of lines that had me chuckling this chapter. Everyone else ignoring Rarity hitting on DIscord hard is super amusing for me for some reason...
Now, let's see what shenanigans they can get up to in the past!
7982436
The main problem was this chapter is a set-up chapter. I hate those. I know the ending of this arc, and I am super excited for the Saddle Arabia arc, but getting things set up is always a pain.
Ah, this story. This story.
Love the Futurama references.
Quite the ironic echo.
You missed an R.
... Smart kid.
I've missed your brand of humor.
There is nothing that I can say that can make this scene any funnier. In fact, you should go back and read or reread every single fic in this continuity. As in now you fussy plebs.
Yup.
This surprises me not at all.
Any song that references time or clocks in some way or time travel is probably going to get the same result.
ASDF movie reference.
To be fair, he is covered in dragon scales. I doubt it'd do more than annoy him.
You get used it.
Do I WANT to know?
He's many hundreds of times your age, you do remember that, right?
... I'm pretty sure making a burger patty out of someone's lungs could kill them.
Ah, right.
Good thinking, Purple Smart.
... Well played, well played. I did not see that coming.
Just be careful, the fourth wall is more fragile than you think.
I do love this bit.
... So many fanfics I could link right now...
Usually just aroused.
I'll reinforce my shenanigans detector, you blew up the last one.
Spike's surprisingly tough, not to mention has a certain way of seeing things that might help.
That's the rule of cliffhangers. But yes, that's usually how it goes.
The Scootaverse LIIIVES!
It lives!
Fun chapter, laughed quite a few times. Though I do see the most fashionable rape in Discord's future.
'is you paniced and' - panicked
'pyshics' - psychics
'didn't killed' - kill
'made of yours lungs' - your
'translate much of is said by' - much of what is said by
Ahhh yes I missed this.
Well, well well. They ran you out of town, so you came crawling back to Broadway! Well Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope!
Oh, wait, no, it totally does. Welcome back, sir.
Another enjpyable chapter. Good job.
7983667
Thanks. I'm getting in the groove of writing this again by getting to play around with a story style I've never really tried before on a large scale but love: the intersection storylines. As we saw, the group will be in teams of two. But as we explore one group's story, things will happen that appear off or odd or out of the blue... until two chapters later where it is revealed this is all something ANOTHER group did. And in turn a small action taken in the first chapter will suddenly become a big thing to another group. I did it once with a Rugrats story I wrote and really enjoyed that.
7984787
Ambitious! I like the sound of it.
I came back from an extended absence, too, and only brought people vampire flowers.
Ah, dear Rarity never changes.
7986201
I like how this is the second season where Rarity hits on a member of the Squad. Last season was Shining, now Discord.
That said... I kinda like the Discord/Rarity pairing. Never really been done that I know of, unusual, but it also might work well for them, with Discord getting her to open up more and Rarity being so determined she can handle Discord's crap.
...and now I want to do an anthology series of just insane pairings.
totally had to do it
Boy, Dartz and Co must have been pretty desperate those days.
Uuuuuuuuh...
Best pony! Down girl! Heel HEEL!!!
I hear Chaos Lord.
GOOD SWEET MIKE NO! NOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MAXOUT OUT!!! EVERYBODY OUT!!! THEY'LL KILL US ALL!!! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
I haven't read a word, as of this posting.
I have already "liked" and put it on my "Favorites".
That's how much I think I'm going to enjoy this.
EDIT (5 minutes later): just finished chapter 1, and aside from Tydal's violence (helpfully explained as Twilight's imagination running wild), I am not disappointed at all.
Fuckin'a Candence calm down. You too Rarity. *rolls up news-paper* Go away A, nobody needs that kind of interference right now
Somewhere someone with a red and black oc is autistic screeching
And it's not me... I'm not an alicorn... or even the same order...