How Celestia Got Her Groove Back
“So Mayor, I have a question.”
“Yes, Bon Bon?” the Mayor said, looking over the form she’d gotten; it was a proposal submitted by someone claiming to be Filthy Rich asking that all Blank Flanks be banned from fun things. Of course it was clear that it had been Filthy’s daughter who wrote the proposal, mostly due to it being written in pen (weirdly enough, Filthy wrote all his proposals and contracts in crayon… he was odd like that).
“Are we ever going to rebuild the library?” Bon Bon asked from where she sat on the couch. Most ponies wouldn’t have been that comfortable lounging around the Mayor but when said Mayor had been let into the secret that a certain sweets baker was really a secret spy who had been forced to go into hiding when a mission went south such concerns went out the window. What also went out the window were forms of punctuation to make long run-on sentences not feel like rambling walls of text. Still, with the Mayor knowing exactly who she was Bon Bon felt as if she were the only mare she could actually be herself around.
(Of course, what Bon Bon/Sweetie Drops DIDN’T know that the Mayor did was that the secret monster hunting agency hadn’t actually been dissolved. In reality Bon Bon had been secretly selected by a new division, run by Celestia’s Canterlot Unilatoral National Tech-Spy and Equestria’s top Canterlot Logistics and Investigative Technician: Night Light and Twilight Velvet. It had been decided that with Director Light and Dr. Velvet’s daughter moving to Ponyville and being the bearer of an Element of Harmony it would be a wise idea to keep an eye on her and thus Bon Bon, along with several other agents, were secretly ‘burned’ and shipped to Ponyville to keep an eye on the purple unicorn who once opened the gates of Tartarus when she was tired and wanted to get a snack and mixed up her words)
(Of course, they were also concerned she called it Tar-Tar-us instead of Tart-er-us, but that was a matter for a different day)
“I really don’t think so,” the Mayor said, tossing out the proposal and looking at the next one (A request from Mrs. Cake to make paternity tests illegal).
“Why not?”
“A few reasons. First off, the money could be used for other things.”
“What things?” Bon Bon asked, only to be interrupted when the Mayor’s assistant, In Box, rushed in.
“Mayor Mare, some kind of bee with bear attributes is attacking the bowling alley. We’re pretty sure we can chase it away-”
“Did you say a bugbear?” Bon Bon said nervously.
“No, it’s more of a bearbug.”
“Oh, okay then.”
“But we are afraid there will be some damage. Jeff Letrotski complained that his rug has been destroyed-“
Mayor Mare sighed. “Take the money out of the petty cash fund.” She looked at Bon Bon as In Box ran out to inform Out Box what they needed to do. “We have enough trouble paying for damage caused by normal life-threatening monsters. Unless the Princesses want to human-up the cash to pay for what Tirek did I don’t see the need for us to do it.”
“What’s the other reason?” Bon Bon asked.
“No one used the library,” Mayor Mare said with a shrug. “Honestly, I think other than three times in the last few years no one bothered to go into the library. The only one who benefitted was Twilight Sparkle so if she wants books she can buy them herself with whatever money the princesses are giving her. Our tax bits pay for it…” The Mayor frowned. “Unless Celestia diverted funds to pay for the Anti-Changeling Barrier.”
“I thought she was going to make the Changelings Pay for it?” Bon Bon asked.
(Author’s Note: This political joke was brought to you by Husky Boy Brand Sweat Pants. Husky Boy… when you’ve just given up)
“Aren’t you worried that not having a library will prevent everypony from expanding their horizons and minds?”
“I’m counting on it.”
“Say what now?”
Mayor Mare leveled a cool stare at the earth pony. “My name is MAYOR Mare. My parents kinda set me up to govern, not wash dishes or be a stripper like my brother Pole Dancer. I need the ponies in this town to stay stupid so they never realize that I’m technically not qualified for this job… or worse, that Princess Twilight has basically taken over all my duties.”
“That’s… horrible.”
“Please. I might not be qualified but I’m better than any other option they might have.”
Bon Bon opened her mouth, only for a steady stream of possible mayors flowed through her head, each more horrifying than the last (and oddly enough the song “You Sexy Thing” was playing during her mental montage).
“…I retract my previous statement.”
The God Squad: Equestira’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 3: How Celestia Got Her Groove Back
“Well, waddya know!” Mary Sue said, looking at the viewing screen in the TARDIS. “They are on their journey alright… just as I said!”
“Sometimes I get very concerned about the odd things you say,” the Doctor said.
“They find Tydal yet?” Dinky asked, bouncing up and down so she could see the screen.
“Not yet,” the Doctor said.
“Oh.” Dinky said. “Did they find Tydal yet?”
“Not yet.
“Oh. Did they find him yet?”
“No.”
“Oh… did they-“
“Let’s just see what amusing things Celestia and Rainbow Dash are doing right now!” The Doctor said quickly.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Now then, if I remember correctly I believe that the training grounds should be this way.” Celestia trotted along the well-worn path, her fake glasses firmly in place. The sun was shining and the Everfree, which in their time was a dark and forboding lair of sneaky and twisted things (except for Zecora… oh god, did that come off as racist? It was racist to include Zecora! Crap crap crap! Uh… uh… cut back to the story! Cut damn it!) resembled any bright and beautiful forest that one could find in Equestria. Oh, there were hints of the darkness and wildness that would soon come to dominate the dark woods but on this day all was beautiful and bright. “You know, I’d forgotten how much I enjoy quiet strolls through nature. It’s been far too long, Rainbow Dash, since I’ve been able to indulge in this.”
“Mmmhmm,” Rainbow mumbled.
Celestia forced herself to smile, a touch disappointed that Rainbow wasn’t enjoying their walk as much as she was. “I suppose you are wondering why the Everfree looks like this. It’s actually an interesting story…” She turned and flashed an exciting grin. “Do you want to hear it?”
“I guess,” Rainbow said sullenly.
Celestia’s smile fell. “Well… if you aren’t interested… but it is very amazing! It involved land ordinances and a manticore relocation program-“
THUMP!
The Princess of the Sun looked down at the fallen, sleeping form of Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow Dash?”
The cyan mare snorted in her sleep “Mmm… that’s it… oh, do it like that Applejack… splash your juices on my tongue… god, your apple juice is the best. Have any donuts?”
“Ahem.”
Rainbow blinked and, seeing the face of her ruler staring down at her, chuckled weakly. “Hee… sorry Princess Celestia. Usually that only happens with Twilight tries to tell me something super boring… I mean-“
Celestia snorted. “Just spit it out.”
“Uh… say way?” Rainbow asked, startled.
The Princess closed her eyes and facehoofed. “I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. I’ve been spending so much time with my family, traveling around, having adventures-“
“Yeah, Rarity told us about Prance. Did you really think a Prance Army could win a battle? Heh.”
Celestia pursed her lips. “Quite. The point is that I’ve grown used to being able to speak my mind and, to be frank, speak bluntly.”
“Hey, no sweat,” Rainbow said, waving her off.
“That being said, I’ve also become used to others speaking bluntly and honestly to me.”
Rainbow considered this. “Well… I can see that. If I had ponies constantly just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear I’d be miserable too. I’d be thrilled that my family would treat me like a pony and not a figurehead.”
“Thrilled?”
~Several Weeks Earlier during the Equestria Boys 2 Arc~
“Now then, we need to be careful,” Celestia said, adjusting her suit jacket. “We must make sure that we build the wall to protect the school carefully or it will be sieged far too quickly. I would suggest we apply basic engineering principles. I’ve made some blueprints-“
Luna leapt into the classroom where Celestia was giving her speech and held up a fire extinguisher. “NERD!” She laughed, blasting her big sis. “HA!”
Celestia coughed.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Not… the word I would use for it.” Celestia looked down at Rainbow Dash. “But at this point I would ask you to treat me as you would one of your friends. For this mission we are not Princess and subject but two ponies seeking a Capricorn.”
“So you want me to speak honestly and openly with you?”
“I would very much like that.”
Rainbow nodded. “Well then, I guess you’ve kinda noticed that I’m not too… keen on this mission?”
Celestia sighed. “I did notice and while I understand your reasons I hope you can find it within your heart to continue with it. I know my father hasn’t endeared himself to the general pony population but trust me when I say-“
“Oh, I’m all down for finding Lord Tydal!” Rainbow said with a grin. “I can’t wait to hang out with him.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your dad is awesome!” Rainbow exclaimed. “He’s this buck-ass warrior who can kick all sorts of plot! I mean, yeah, he can’t fly but I saw a bit of what he can do in the water and those are some moves I so want to adapt into my routine! Plus I hear he can drink any pony under the table and knows some of the best cider houses in the world and I so want to challenge him and his liver!”
“Well… that’s… great,” Celestia said, trying to stay upbeat. “So if it isn’t the mission and it isn’t Tydal, I suppose you are down about being around… me.”
Rainbow scuffed her hoof on the ground, her earlier joyful outburst dying a quick death. “Listen, it’s not like that…”
“Rainbow, please,” Celestia said. “I’m a big mare and I can handle it. I know I intimidate ponies or make them feel like they can’t be themselves-“
“It isn’t that,” Dash said. “It’s because you’re so boring.”
“Say what now?”
“Oh, come on!” Rainbow complained. “You have to realize you are duller than dish water! You’re like Twilight before Nightmare Moon! All facts and boring info and no fun! We’re in the past and I’m stuck with you? I should have swapped with Twilight! Then you two eggheads could bond over talking about bridges and me and Pricness Luna could have fun!”
“…bridge this!” Celesita shouted, bucking Rainbow straight to the moon. “Talk to me in a thousand years!”
“Princess?”
Celestia blinked, realizing that she’d zoned out during Rainbow’s rant and just imagined bucking the cyan pegasus to the moon. “Sorry, you were saying?”
“I don’t mean to offend you… it’s just that you and me? Totally different. Like oil and water! Or Rarity and mud! You and exciting things! Just don’t mesh up well! I don’t mean to be mean but you asked me to shoot straight with you-“
“Yes, I did,” Celestia said, a glint in her eyes.
“Uh… right,” Rainbow said. “Are… are you okay? You’re kinda smiling all demonic like.”
“Oh, I’m fine. Fine fine fine. Fine.” Celestia paused. “Fine. Now then, let us hurry along.”
“Uh… right.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Ugga moogy!” Discord said, the pony form he was wearing giving forth a full-body shudder.
“Are you alright, darling?” Rarity asked from the changing room. She had suggested that the two of them investigate Canterlot (which, in this point of time, wasn’t the capital of Equestria and was merely a rich and powerful walled city with a massive keep) to see if Tydal was hiding there. Discord had argued that his brother would only go to Canterlot if he wanted to shed some blood but Rarity had argued that it would be the last place somepony would think to look for a Capricorn and thus allow the War God to hide. Discord had tried to argue against this but Rarity had pushed on and after 15 minutes the white unicorn had managed to convince Discord to just go with the flow.
The flow, in this case, had taken them to an ancient seamstress who had taken one look at the two of them (and the bag of gold Rarity had convinced Discord to create) and quickly agreed to dress them in outfits that would allow them to move about the streets without looking out of place.
Discord had soon found himself wearing a doublet of crushed red velvet, waiting as Rarity tried on several outfits that the seamstress had happily brought out for her. The God of Chaos was used to unusual situations but he found this completely out of his wheel deck.
“Oh, I’m fine,” Discord said, shaking his head. “I just got the strangest feeling… the last time I got that it was because some pony had called Celestia boring.”
Rarity emerged from the dressing room wearing an elegant yet time-period appropriate purple and white dress. “I suppose somepony, most likely Rainbow Dash, confused cultured for boring-“
Discord snorted. “Please… Celestia hides it well but she is Tydal’s daughter. If she is boring then I am a dullard. No, I am more concerned with how Celestia will react.”
“What do you mean?” Rarity asked as she made for the door.
Discord frowned. “Let’s just say that Celestia doesn’t take insults against her character all that well. If Rainbow Dash is the one who called her boring I pity your little winged friend.”
“Oh, forget about her. Tonight is about us.”
“Finding Tydal?” Discord asked.
“Yes, of course. Now then, let’s hurry to the castle… they are having an Invitation Only Dinner tonight and I managed to snag us tickets.”
“And you are sure my brother will be there?”
“…sure, why not?” Rarity cuddled up against the confused Chaos God. “And if not we can check out all the bedrooms and see if he is hiding there.”
“I’m not sure this is a good plan-AAACK!” Discord let out a yelp as Rarity used her magic to drag him behind her.
~MC~MC~MC~
Rainbow and Celestia had not found any soldiers at the training grounds but the signs of training showed them that they had only just missed the stallions. The sounds of thunderous laughter coming from one of the cabin-style barracks that stood on the far edge of the training area made it clear just where the missing pegasi were located.
“You want to wait for them to come out?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Could be a few hours but-“
“Oh no,” Celestia said, her tone a bit more biting than Rainbow was used to, “that would be rather boring, wouldn’t it? I say we go talk with them now.”
Rainbow opened her mouth but the cool stare Celestia leveled her way made her quickly shut her trap and follow after the Sun Princess, wondering if her brash attitude from a few minutes ago had just led her into a world of pain.
(And readers of this story just nodded their heads)
Celestia pushed open the door of the barracks, looking around the dimly lit interior. She had always been one to let her soldiers do as they wished when off duty, figuring that as long as they were professional in public they could do what they wanted in private amongst their fellow soldiers. So she wasn’t surprised to see that the pegasus soldiers had built a bar in one corner of the building and were serving moonshine and homemade hooch while playing cards and telling the rowdiest, most vulgar jokes possible. Two stallions were hoofwrestling, their buddies placing bets on who would win, while others were tossing darts while doing shots of cloudy liquid that wouldn’t pass any safety standards. The entire building reeked of sweat, stale booze, and cigar smoke, creating a miasma that could choke a donkey (and had, actually, during one particularly rowdy party last April).
“Okay, let me do the talking,” Rianbow said, looking up at the Princess of all of Equestria. “I’m used to dealing with ponies like this and can-“
“Oh look! Someone hired strippers!” A drunk stallion called out.
Celestia chuckled as the purple pegasus stumbled over towards her, licking his lips. “Oh little boy…” she headbutted him, knocking him out cold. “You wouldn’t survive the foreplay. Two hooves of your strongest. He’s paying.” She wandering over to the bar, stepping over the twitching form she’d just knocked unconscious.
“Holy (censored)!” Rainbow exclaimed. “That was-“
“Nothing,” Celestia said with a yawn before downing her shot. Rainbow reached for the second glass only for Celestia to snatch it up. “Oh, did you want some too?” Celestia downed her second drink before tossing the glasses away. “Hit me again and get Rainbow here a sippy cup.”
“Hey!” Rainbow complained as the soldier who was playing barkeep passed her a glass. “I can handle my-“ her retort died in her throat as the mere smell of the pale amber liquid in her cup made her feel lightheaded. She stared at Celestia, who threw back two more shots without blinking before motioning for more, and suddenly wondered if being an alicorn meant you also got an Earth Pony’s tolerance for liquor (it did).
“So, what brings you two in here?” the soldier-turned-barkeep asked.
“Looking for someone,” Celestia said, looking around the room. “This is his kind of place but I don’t see him.”
“You sure?” the barkeep asked.
“Trust me, everypony would know if he were here.” Celesta shrugged. “I suppose we can wait around a bit to see if he shows up. What do you colts do for fun around him?”
One of the braver soldiers laughed. “Oh, all sorts of things, sweet thighs!” His friends all cackled and egged him on. “But you sure you can handle our games?”
“Easily,” Celestia said. “Let me guess… you want to play cards or darts and make sexual favors the bets? Mouth hugs for every bull’s eye?”
“Uh…” Rainbow said, jaw dropped.
Celestia merely smirked. “I raised Cadence, remember?” she said under her breath. “That sounds rather dull… I have something else in mind.”
“And what’s that?” the soldier asked, intrigued.
“Triathlon,” Celestia stated, flexing her wings.
“Running, swimming, flying?” the soldier asked.
“Please,” Celestia said with a laugh. “That is how the little foals do it. No… a real triathlon: 30 shots, 30 flying laps around the your training yard, and then 30 wing-ups. With victory shots for the winner.”
The soldier stared at Celestia as if she were mad. Rainbow was sure she was.
“Let me get this straight…” Rainbow said, staring at the princess. “You want you and this soldier to get drunk, try to fly, and then when your wings feel like they are going to fall off do 30 wing-ups?!?”
The Sun Princess laughed. “Oh, of course not Rainbow Dash!” The cyan mare let out a sigh of relief. “I want him to drink, his friend to race me, and a final friend to do the wing-ups. I’ll do them all myself… make things interesting.”
“…how strong is this stuff?” Rainbow exclaimed, staring at her still full glass.
“Not strong enough,” Celestia said, taking Rainbow’s drink and downing it. “That didn’t count, soldier boy. Now line’em up!” She slammed the counter with her hoof before grabbing a bottle and drinking straight from it. She smacked her lips before looking the soldier and his buddies up and down. “Let me know when you are ready, sweetheart.”
Rainbow gulped. “Well… at least the others must be having an easier time…”
~Meanwhile…~
“Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten us into Ollie!” Pinkie declared, her and Luna tied to a stake while a pony tried to start a fire just below their hooves.
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Did you... did you REALLY just have two secret service agencies be named in such a way that their acronyms would spell C.U.N.T.S. and C.L.I.T.?!!!
... I LOVE YA, you wonderful b*stard, you!
holy crap this is still fucking happening?
I loved this series back in like 2013 or whenever the hell I was reading it and now there's a sequel!
Oh jeez, glad to see things are bad and as mad as ever n_n
This feels like the Avengers with the whole "Equestria's Mightiest Immortals" thing. But instead of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes", its "Equestria's Mightiest Immortals".
8195336
That's the joke
8195163
Well they do work at The Bureau of Undoing Trouble from Twilight Sparkle. And Twilight Velvet is a Dedicated Innovation Canterlot Scientist
... Those agency names.
I have one thing to say to you, Rainbow. TO THE MOON!
I see Pinkie and Luna are doing just fine.
As always, your level of meta is astounding.
I suppose the party in Canterlot will be for vampires, yet Rarity will fit there perfectly.
Man, those are some unfortunate acronyms.
... Fair enough.
Also fair.
PriNCess.
Good, she's worried.
Oh this will be FUN!
Basically.
Impressive, yes. She is basically a goddess. This is probably far from the first time she's dealt with a drunk.
That doesn't surprise me.
Plus, she's been around for a couple thousand years, and doesn't need to maintain that regal facade in front of her little ponies as you know what she's actually like.
Considering all the shit she's been through, not to mention banishing her sister to the Moon for a millennium, which may have just been basically a time out to an immortal, but probably still hurt, I don't think she's entirely sane, no. Stable? Yes. Sane? Not necessarily.
I'm going to take a guess and say one of you said something you shouldn't have.
Why were Night Light's naming priviledges not revoked yet? I thought they were during CoIT! Or was that retconned? Or never happened at all? I need to reread the entire continuity I guess.
"Jeff Letrotski" Well this took a turn for the communism rather fast.
8197232
The names were created BEFORE Crisis of Infinite Twilights
Glorious! Also, I almost feel bad for Discord...
Update..... Please?