The Rebirth of War: The Story of Changelings
By Jayfeather97
It was a normal pleasant day. School was just finishing up and everyone was let out. The calm wind in the summer afternoon sky, causing relief in everybody as the week for school has finally ended. My best friend Caleb and I were walking home together through the residential streets. Caleb and I are both Brony’s. It started out as a dare to watch one episode, and before we knew it both Caleb and I were both watching the end of season 2 checking fanfictions and pictures and laughing at haters passing the days talking about pony’s and what if's. This day was no different.
“So what if we appeared in Equestria?” said Caleb.
“Easy you would go nuts and I’d be stuck dragging your ass outta what ever crap you got us in,” I replied nonchalantly.
“Well aren’t you a cranky doodle donkey,” Caleb said clasping his heart in mock hurt.
I merely stared at Chris causing him to laugh. It is my birthday on Saturday so I’m asking to go over Caleb’s house as I’m turning 15. Caleb is older then me by 2 months, but I make up that by being 6’ 3’’
“Well what about Saturday 10:00 am?” I asked.
“Sounds great mate see you then,” said Caleb.
“Sweet can’t wait,” As I confirmed the time. Then we both said our goodbyes went our separate ways.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” my Mum and Dad yelled out waking me up.
“AHHHHHHH!” I yelled back suddenly, making them jump.
After regaining all of our bearings they gave me some presents, which wasn’t necessary as I said I didn’t want anything, but they insisted and it does feel nice to be appreciated or recognized. The first present was a hell a lot of clothes, which I need as I am growing taller and won’t stop growing. Next was a preorder receipt for Assassins Creed 3 that I didn’t expect but wanted. Lastly was about $150 all from the cards my relatives sent me (some forgot to put their names on the cards which is forgivable as a lot are reaching an old age and forget a lot).
“That’s it,” my Mum said.
“Thanks,” I said hugging both of my parents.
“It’s okay we are happy you like your presents,” They both replied.
“Oh wait here’s another one,” said Dad, passing me a circular presents.
I keenly opened it revealing a silver striped black orb spherical object.
“Wow” I admired it, thinking what the hell it is, “Who gave me this,” I asked.
“I don’t know there’s no name on it I just received it in the mailbox while you were in school, but you know how forgetful my side of the family is,” my Mum explained.
“I thinks this is awesome, it stands out,” I complimented to whoever sent it out loud.
After that, I went and had breakfast, which was bacon and eggs (can’t get any better then), which I enjoyed, after breakfast I went and brushed my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirror. There I stood with dark blue eyes, standing at at least 190cm making it seem even more unlikely that I would become a Airforce pilot. I am wearing my black pants and red shirt. I have long legs so I am normally standing over everyone, long arms so I could reach longer then anyone. I have brown hair, with a tiny bit of blonde at the front to one side. I have much brighter skin then most people but it is obviously tanned. I then went to my bedroom to grab my stuff to go to Caleb's house.
I then said my goodbyes grabbing my mobile, wallet, the orb and my glasses and walked out the house and started the walk to my friend’s house.
It took me an extra 5 minutes to get to my friends house as I was studying the orb. I finally reached his house after 15 minutes and knocked on his front door.
“Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss,” replied my friend Caleb, while opening his door.
“To whom do I have the honor of greeting into my humble abode,” he asked with a glint in his eye (when you see this he goes partly insane).
“Just let me in idiot,” I reply. He just laughed and let me in.
“So did you want to play a game,” Caleb asked while gesturing towards one of his 3 computers.
“Sure, but first have a look at this orb I got for my birthday,” I replied, showing him the orb.
As I reached out to give him the orb, he stumbled on a wire wrapped around his foot and tripped knocking the orb out of my hand dropping it to the ground, forming a crack where a brilliant light escaped from its depths, surrounding us both and causes me tremendous pain and suffering. As I was about to pass out I heard a lot of voices enter my head talking about invasion and a queen. Then all I saw was darkness.
I awoke from darkness with a slight headache. Groaning I got up and looked around, taking in my surroundings. I was on my side, and felt and urge to stretch. So I did. As I did I opened my eyes and saw two black hooves with legs attached and holes in them. I jumped up and screamed.
"WHAT THE FUCK !?!?!?!?" I yelled as I stumbled over a silver thing, tripping myself.
I turned around and stared at this thing and it stared back.
"WHAT THE SHIT!!" we both yelled and said simultaneously. "Wait you can speak," again with the simultaneously talking.
"Jayden," this silver creature said holding out a silver hoof. "Okay what the fuck is going on here," this silver horse pony with wings said.
"Wait a minute, is that you Caleb," I said recognising his voice somehow.
He did not say anything just looked himself over. Whilst he was doing this I checked myself to. I had a black body with two legs at the front with holes and two legs at the back with holes as well. I turned my head around and noticed two battered and partially torned see through blue wings with a black carapace on my back, when I turned around I saw I had a jagged curved horn on my head and I could feel two fangs sticking out of my mouth, I also had a weird tail. As I was checking out my body Caleb had dragged himself to a puddle and looked at his reflection.
He turned around and looked at me and asked "Jayden, what the fuck just happened, why am I a Pegasus and you a-aagh my head," He said then clasped a hoof to his head.
As he was doing this I saw a puddle and then looked in it. What I saw was blood red eyes and two fangs.
"I'm a Changeling," I exclaimed without knowing how I knew this. As soon as i thought about that I got a massive headache.
As I turned around I saw a mark on Caleb's flank. I was laying down thinking hard at what that was. By this time Caleb was on his legs stumbling around.
He looked at me and said "Why do I remember you and why are you staring at my ass,"
"I don't know why I can remember you and im looking at that thing stuck on your flank," I replied. As I looked at him I saw that he was silver and had wings as well but without the holes. They were like birds wings unlike mine. He had a blue and black mane and blood red eyes as well. On his flank was a Ying and Yang symbol. Wait, how do I know that I thought to myself. What do these marks mean? As I turned my head around I saw one on me that is an Eclipse symbol.
"Hmmm," I muttered to myself only quiet enough for me to hear.
"Hey Jayden I don't know why I know you but, I think we should work together to get out of here," Caleb said.
Finally I took in my surroundings a bit more and noticed we were in a forest surrounded by tall trees.
"Ya think." I replied.
Caleb said sighing "Come on, we need to get out of here,"
Thud I tripped over myself and and looked up to see Caleb smirking at me.
Please note this is my first story and i'm following Jayden's side in this side of the story. Chief editor is shadow now as he has deleted just story. I will do Calebs side of the story soon after this side. Shadow stopped doing his side because we were having problems linking up our characters.
skips to comments, about to post first post
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sees authors comment
807369 No picture sooooo
coolgizmotoys.com/images/2011/07/moron.jpg
Yo dawg, I heard you like changelings.
Not bad, I like it so far
807394 city-data.com/forum/members/gallowscalibrator-129085-albums-funny-images-pic85357-you-dont-say.png
807397 Ty me and shadowless_night are best friends in real life so decided to do something oh and anything in the next chapter we do get split up so it goes into different sides.
807399
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807406 I see, it must be fun having a real life brony friend, none of my friends are bronies It`s alright though, they are good friends nonetheless.
Nice, i enjoyed it so far.and my names jaiden lol
807530 my names Jayden aswell lol
807467 Lol it doesn't really matter, friends are friends.
807467 thats a pity
i was assimulated into the herd by my freind to where i continued and assimulated 3 other freinds the rest i just tolerate
807427 Lol
none of my friends are bronies, but they tolerate everyone, coincidence? i think not
812361 yeh lol
Yo, I'm in this story now. I don't want to have to keep dragging Chris into this. Hell, half my conciseness is telling me not to write this, but when did being nice ever help me? Certainly not when reviewing. The only problem now is I need to keep switching tabs to remember the two lines you wrote, so bear with me.
Now, I don't believe in copying reviews. The review I gave Chris is different from the one I'm giving you now. But first, because I am a petty douche, I'm going to reply directly to your comment; because clearly this won't escalate into each of us hating each other. It's good to see you've taken an effort to improve this story. Spelling and Grammar are now fixed, meaning you're above the level of My Immortal, plus I don't need to bring in the GrammarHammar. God, I love the word. GrammarHammer. Really flows off the tongue. Crawling back on track, you still have a minor problem with punctuation. There are a couple of points that still need comma's in order to flow well. Also, DO. NOT. USE. AUTHORS. NOTES! You need to go through this story, and remove any time you used a parenthesis. Any time. Then, figure out how to write the knowledge that was in them into your story with out breaking it's flow. Another note, owning books does not relate to reading and learning from books. If it did, I would just sit in a library all day and learn things through osmosis, which would be awesome because I would learn things quicker.
But you see, here's the thing. This story is still very poorly written. We don't know anything about the characters, at all. Until they turned into ponies, we didn't even get a description, and when we did, it was very bland and basic. "I had a black body. My feet had holes. My wings were blue and had holes too." This is not the outline of good storytelling.
Here is a description of a character that I think you should know, he's pretty popular.
His very person and appearance were such as to strike the most casual observer. In height he was rather over six feet, and so excessively lean that he seemed to be considerably taller. His eyes were sharp and piercing, save during those intervals of torpor to which I have alluded; and his thin, hawk-like nose gave his whole expression an air of alertness and decision. His chin, too, had the prominence and squareness which mark the man of determination. His hands were invariable blotted with ink and stained with chemicals, yet he was possessed of extraordinary delicacy of touch, as I frequently had occasion to observe when I watched him manipulating the fragile philosophical instruments.
This is the description for Sherlock Holmes. Note how it is superior to yours in every way. What I'm saying is, when you describe characters, you need to be both thorough and unique. What did this black body look like? What did it feel like? Are there any more creative ways you could describe his legs? Maybe an 'a slow aching pain brought my attention to several large holes in my legs, like they had been dipped in acid and pulled free at the last moment?" These wings, are they transparent? Are they heavy, ugly, uncomfortable, unnoticeable, unremarkable? The first step to making us feel for a character is to tell us what he looks like. If you can do this without boring us to sleep, than you're already halfway there.
The next part is to develop his personality more. For a prologue, you can typically have anywhere between 1000 to 5000 words. Use everyone single one on showing us why we should care about you're character at all. This is the core for any fic. If we don't know the character, we don't care for the character. I know nothing about Jaydens personality. What does he like, hate or fear? What are his strength's and weaknesses? I'm sorry if I'm asking a lot of questions, but these are things you need to ask yourself, and then show as clearly as possible.
Plot could also use some work on, but we'll tackle that another time.
Also, I'm offended that you think I can't write. Why would writing effect my ability to detect terrible stories anyway? If my criticism is valid and my points are well explained, why would it matter whether I could write? Surely you, as an author, are constantly searching for ways to improve yourself. Whether the criticism comes from another author or a basic reader makes no difference.
But I digress. (God I love that word)
Nazkan
812427 I know what you are meaning. I will clarify a couple of this.
1: I didn't claim that you couldn't write I was just saying that at least I am smart enough to think of something (everyone in my school are dumb asses).
2: I don't really want to describe my characters in much detail for the fact that he is only human at the start (or is he?), also I would be describing myself which I really hate doing cause if I typed more then I am i'm up myself but if I don't who would like the character. If you wan't ill go through and change a part to add description into.
3: My point was with the books is that I read them. I know you said that doesn't mean anything but what's the point owning the books if I don't read them.
4: My friends name isn't Chris.
5: I don't hate you i'm just trying to defend my story like anyone would.
6: I can see what you mean by some parts so i'm not going to lie, I rushed it. Took me 1-2 hours to write the prologue.
All right, cool. Though I'm sixty percent sure your friend is Chris. Anyway, I seem to be done here.