• Member Since 15th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 8th, 2018

Anubis Nox

An average person who does art and used to/still writes somewhat. Nox is my Tulpa.


Two humans transformed into a changeling and a pegasus must survive the events after the royal wedding incident as an all out war is declared between the two races.
Jayden a human transformed into a changeling must fight to keep his identity a secret for the time being as he searches for a way to get to his friend and escape Equestria. Teen due to language involved.

Thanks for shadowless_night for the helping with plot and editor, and Boolyboo for helping me with great ideas and advice for my story.

Chapters (15)
Comments ( 140 )

Please note this is my first story and i'm following Jayden's side in this side of the story. Chief editor is shadow now as he has deleted just story. I will do Calebs side of the story soon after this side. Shadow stopped doing his side because we were having problems linking up our characters.

skips to comments, about to post first post:pinkiehappy:
sees authors comment :facehoof:

Yo dawg, I heard you like changelings.

Not bad, I like it so far :ajsmug:

807397 Ty me and shadowless_night are best friends in real life so decided to do something oh and anything in the next chapter we do get split up so it goes into different sides.

807406 I see, it must be fun having a real life brony friend, none of my friends are bronies :applecry: It`s alright though, they are good friends nonetheless.

Nice, i enjoyed it so far.and my names jaiden lol

807530 my names Jayden aswell lol

807467 Lol it doesn't really matter, friends are friends.

807467 thats a pity
i was assimulated into the herd by my freind to where i continued and assimulated 3 other freinds :pinkiehappy: the rest i just tolerate :twilightsmile:

none of my friends are bronies, but they tolerate everyone, coincidence? i think not :ajbemused:

Yo, I'm in this story now. I don't want to have to keep dragging Chris into this. Hell, half my conciseness is telling me not to write this, but when did being nice ever help me? Certainly not when reviewing. The only problem now is I need to keep switching tabs to remember the two lines you wrote, so bear with me.

Now, I don't believe in copying reviews. The review I gave Chris is different from the one I'm giving you now. But first, because I am a petty douche, I'm going to reply directly to your comment; because clearly this won't escalate into each of us hating each other. It's good to see you've taken an effort to improve this story. Spelling and Grammar are now fixed, meaning you're above the level of My Immortal, plus I don't need to bring in the GrammarHammar. God, I love the word. GrammarHammer. Really flows off the tongue. Crawling back on track, you still have a minor problem with punctuation. There are a couple of points that still need comma's in order to flow well. Also, DO. NOT. USE. AUTHORS. NOTES! You need to go through this story, and remove any time you used a parenthesis. Any time. Then, figure out how to write the knowledge that was in them into your story with out breaking it's flow. Another note, owning books does not relate to reading and learning from books. If it did, I would just sit in a library all day and learn things through osmosis, which would be awesome because I would learn things quicker.

But you see, here's the thing. This story is still very poorly written. We don't know anything about the characters, at all. Until they turned into ponies, we didn't even get a description, and when we did, it was very bland and basic. "I had a black body. My feet had holes. My wings were blue and had holes too." This is not the outline of good storytelling.
Here is a description of a character that I think you should know, he's pretty popular.

His very person and appearance were such as to strike the most casual observer. In height he was rather over six feet, and so excessively lean that he seemed to be considerably taller. His eyes were sharp and piercing, save during those intervals of torpor to which I have alluded; and his thin, hawk-like nose gave his whole expression an air of alertness and decision. His chin, too, had the prominence and squareness which mark the man of determination. His hands were invariable blotted with ink and stained with chemicals, yet he was possessed of extraordinary delicacy of touch, as I frequently had occasion to observe when I watched him manipulating the fragile philosophical instruments.

This is the description for Sherlock Holmes. Note how it is superior to yours in every way. What I'm saying is, when you describe characters, you need to be both thorough and unique. What did this black body look like? What did it feel like? Are there any more creative ways you could describe his legs? Maybe an 'a slow aching pain brought my attention to several large holes in my legs, like they had been dipped in acid and pulled free at the last moment?" These wings, are they transparent? Are they heavy, ugly, uncomfortable, unnoticeable, unremarkable? The first step to making us feel for a character is to tell us what he looks like. If you can do this without boring us to sleep, than you're already halfway there.

The next part is to develop his personality more. For a prologue, you can typically have anywhere between 1000 to 5000 words. Use everyone single one on showing us why we should care about you're character at all. This is the core for any fic. If we don't know the character, we don't care for the character. I know nothing about Jaydens personality. What does he like, hate or fear? What are his strength's and weaknesses? I'm sorry if I'm asking a lot of questions, but these are things you need to ask yourself, and then show as clearly as possible.

Plot could also use some work on, but we'll tackle that another time.

Also, I'm offended that you think I can't write. Why would writing effect my ability to detect terrible stories anyway? If my criticism is valid and my points are well explained, why would it matter whether I could write? Surely you, as an author, are constantly searching for ways to improve yourself. Whether the criticism comes from another author or a basic reader makes no difference.
But I digress. (God I love that word)

812427 I know what you are meaning. I will clarify a couple of this.

1: I didn't claim that you couldn't write I was just saying that at least I am smart enough to think of something (everyone in my school are dumb asses).

2: I don't really want to describe my characters in much detail for the fact that he is only human at the start (or is he?), also I would be describing myself which I really hate doing cause if I typed more then I am i'm up myself but if I don't who would like the character. If you wan't ill go through and change a part to add description into.

3: My point was with the books is that I read them. I know you said that doesn't mean anything but what's the point owning the books if I don't read them.

4: My friends name isn't Chris.

5: I don't hate you i'm just trying to defend my story like anyone would.

6: I can see what you mean by some parts so i'm not going to lie, I rushed it. Took me 1-2 hours to write the prologue. :moustache:

All right, cool. Though I'm sixty percent sure your friend is Chris. Anyway, I seem to be done here.

Sorry about long wait.

Guys due to shadow dropping his side he is now chief editor. It was just to hard to link our sides up. I will be continuing with Caleb's side when I've almost finished this side, hint hint

Sorry about how long this took and how little it is. I normally would be alot faster but school and work was being a pain :ajbemused:

Also please criticise my work. I want to know what you think is wrong eg character personalities. I think I made the Queen too nice, but like anyone would I will try to defend my 'story'

A quick question to everyone. I am going to make another story but I will stick to this one more but I got an idea as I rarely see any stories with mental unstablility and having a friend at my school who has it I am thinking whether I should do a story about mental unstability whether it be someone who wants to get out off Equestria who goes to great lengths to end it all or to do something about a pony who has to bad of a background to handle anything like the future?

That was one of the best reactions to being caught I have read.

"Why are they in here for." :rainbowhuh:

918477 :P:pinkiehappy: Glad you liked it :derpytongue2:

918428 oops it's a statement not a question :P

"You, are a faggot.":rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

hmmm trolling me(im silvershadow aka Caleb) with that fluttershy thing yeah.... u got my reaction down pat
and if i was in mlp world i would prefer to be shipped with RD (oh come bronies of the internet can u honestly tell me you have never thought of who'd you would want to be shipped with) so im fine with that..... but when me and u go paintballing im shooting you in the face with the custom sniper rifle for that song:twilightangry2:

930792 Try me bro. Come at me bro. To bad if I get paintball grenade or minigun :P

930823 like ur gonna waste 200 on the devistator pack for the minigun and as for the grenade? you cant hit what u cant see so how are u gonna get me when i cover ur mask with paint? 2.bp.blogspot.com/-MZjACbOjogM/ToYkcFEfbeI/AAAAAAAAA-8/0hgvCf3yYSc/s1600/tumblr_lqr7971Ugl1r0o7w6o1_500.gif

930877 Your not that hard to hit :P

930877 Also at least I can afford $200 also IF you can cover my mask in paint

812594 i know its a bit late but i diddnt notice ur comment untill now...... no my name is not chris i am jayfeathers friend Shadowless_night aka Silver Shadow aka Caleb:moustache:

Wow every single person in this fic is a fucking asshole.

He should call her out on acting exactly the same as the the changeling queen.

993495 Heheheheheh. With my next chapter you might say everyone is not an asshole, well except for my character. My character is always a troller :P

For some odd reason, I have the 'the voices in my head are telling me to kill you' lolcat in my head. It whispers things… evil things…


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