Chaos Team Asssssssemble
“Ok, note to self invest in shades.” I said as I furiously rubbed the stars from my eyes.
“Wimp.” Derange said while looking in the opposite direction.
“I’m over here stupid.” I said as I slapped the back of his head.
“I knew that!” He said and walked right into a wall. “No, no, I’m fine.” He mumbled sliding to the ground.
“Sorry, that sounds like a personal problem.” I replied back and walked over towards the two ponies that were disoriented.
“Oohhh, what the hay happened?” Said a light blue unicorn mare. She had a dark blue mane with a mix of a shade of gray, her eyes were a beautiful sapphire, and her cutie mark was an hourglass.
“Oohh, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that weird colored muffin.” Said the other pony. She was a gray Pegasus with blond hair, bright yellow eyes, and had bubbles for her cutie mark.
“Derpy?” Asked the unicorn. The Pegasus was about to respond back, but was interrupted as the unicorn tackled her and brought her into a huge hug. “It is you. I haven’t seen you since I moved to Stalingrad.”
“Wow, it’s good to see you again too.” Derpy said and returned the hug. “What are you doing back M-”
“Well actually, I was moving back to Ponyville cause Stalingrad wasn’t the most friendly of places and-WHO THE HAY ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Screamed the unicorn as Derange joined in on the group hug.
“What?” He asked innocently. “I thought we were doing a group hug.”
“Damit, Derange! I take my eye off you for one second and you're already causing problems.” I said and grabbed him by the neck.
“Says the man that got a hug from a group of mares only an hour ago.”
“Hey I asked permission before I hugged them unlike you. And couldn’t you see this was a touching reunion of friends, that you ruined it.”
“Ahem.” The unicorn coughed getting our attention. The ladder had a not amused look while Derpy was the opposite and had a bemused look…while staring at us and the ceiling. “If you two are done, I’m going to go get the Princess and let her know Discord escaped.” She said rather calmly and started to head towards the door.
I was about to voice my usual response of ‘I’m not Discord’ when Derpy said, “He’s not Discord.” All eyes were on her as we looked at her confused. “What did I say something bad?” She asked confused…and it was adorable might I add.
“What are you talking about Derpy of course he’s-” She didn’t get to finish her sentence as I glomped the living hell out of her.
“Finally, someone who can see that I’m nothing like that sociopath.” I cried out in joy. After the umpteenth spin I set her down, Derpy’s eyes spinning around in disorientation.
“But how’d you know?” Derange asked curiously.
“Well isn’t obvious?” She said with a tilt of her head. Apparently--or obviously--it wasn’t as we all shook our heads. “It’s because it’s not raining chocolate milk and there’s no cotton candy clouds.” She said with a grin.
The unicorn faced hoof, Derange was laughing his ass off, and I was a mix of bemused and facepalming. “So if it were to say start raining chocolate milk and there was cotton candy clouds would I still be Discord?”
“Well no silly.” She said with a roll of her eye, which was kind of creepy yet amusing at the same time (I’m going to hell, I can just feel it), and continued, “Besides you don’t look anything like him.” She said with a friendly smile which I returned full force. “Ok, maybe you look similar, but not too similar.” She added with a sheepish grin.
‘….good enough for me.’ I thought and shrugged.
“Besides sweet cheeks, the Princesses already know we're here and have allowed us to complete a very important task.” Derange said lounging in the air on a lawn chair.
“Oh yeah and we're just going to believe you, a Draconequus. Masters of chaos and disharmony.” She said with, if you didn’t catch it, sarcasm.
“Sadly he’s telling the truth.” Said another female voice all heads turned (get your mind out of the gutter) towards the unannounced guest. She was a Pegasus with a dark gray coat with a white unkempt mane and a cutie mark of a silver breeze. She had a single sword, a katana if not mistaken, strapped on her back. I took notice that the handle of the sword was in mouth reach as if ready for anything at a moment’s notice, but her most interesting feature were her wings. The outside of her wings were the same color of her coat, but the insides were a brilliant silver; light seemed to reflect off her feathers giving them a glow like effect. She strolled through the room giving it a quick glance before she joined the other mare that were now sitting on the couch while I occupied the chair, her crimson red eyes piercing my very soul. “Drake I presume?” She asked.
“Yes.” I replied with a calm look.
“And these are the others that’ll be…joining us.” She said and eyed the two mares. Sizing them up, I assumed.
“If you know that, then that means the Princesses knew that we were planning about…enlisting help.” I said calmly.
“Damn and I was sure we were being all secret hush hush about it too.” Derange said and snapped his fingers in disappointment.
“Yes, because screaming back in forth amongst yourself about, ‘No we can’t travel with them to fix the world’ is very subtle.” She deadpanned.
“So these rooms are apparently not sound proof…this just got awkward.” Derange said with a nervous grin.
“Which reminds me.” She said and brought out a restraining order. “If Derange continues to quote on quote, ‘continue his erratic and sexist’ behavior he’ll be forced to stay in the dungeons for as long as you’re here.” She finished and handed the piece of paper to me to look it over.
“*Whistles* Damn everypony hates you. I wonder why.” I asked sarcastically.
“You know it’s the darndest thing.” He said while reading over the paper. “It has eluded me for some time now and I still can seem to figure out why…Oh well. No point brooding over something as pointless as this.” He said as he crumbled up the piece of paper and threw it out the window.
A small explosion could be heard followed by, “MY CABBAGES!”
“Derange, why did you do that?” I asked annoyed.
“Oh ppppplllleeeeaaasssseeee we both know it’s just a bunch of racist bull crap.” He said while waving his hand in a lazy like fashion.
“Granted you have a point. I mean we been here only like what two? Three days? And you get a restraining order on you just like that…even if you did cause some problems. So sorry Miss-?” I asked just realizing I didn’t ask for her name.
“Silver Wind, Night Guard of the 27th platoon.” She said followed by a sort salute.
“So sorry, Silver, but I’m going to have to--and I’m complete going to hate saying these words--agree with Derange.” I said while Derange started to cheer and make faces at her. “For now anyways.” I finished which totally killed Derange’s mood.
“I’d figure you would and this was just more of a…formality.” She said as she poured some cups of tea for everyone. “For now anyways.” She replied back with a smirk which changed to a glare as she focused on Derange and slowly drank her tea.
“So I guess that make you-”
“Our babysitter.” Derange said adding a shit load of sugar to his tea. No, literally. There was a barrel of sugar and he was dumping it all into the cup.
“I was going to say chaperone.” I said taking a sip of my *spit take*. “Damit Derange this is your cup!” I said and quickly swapped our cups.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m both in a sense.” Silver said with a serious look. “In both sense of keeping you safe and making sure you don’t cause any trouble.”
“Uh, hello? Two other ponies here that have no idea what’s going on.” The unicorns said while waving her hooves to get our attention.
“Well Colgate, you and Derpy, or is it Ditzy? Are going to help us on our quest to bring balance to the world-”
“By decree of your Princess.” Derange said as he held out a piece of parchment with…IS THAT CELESTIA’S SIGNATURE?!?
“Colgate? My name’s not Colgate, it's Minuette.” She said annoyed.
“And my name’s Ditzy, but my friends call me Derpy.” Ditzy decided to chime in.
“And let me see that.” Silver said as she swiped the parchment away from Derange and looked it over.
Derange and I looked at one another then towards the teleporter device then back towards Minuette “Uh.”We said at the same time. “Pardon us ladies.” We said in unison once more and then made our way away from them to talk in private.
“So is the device broken or what? Also how in the world did you get them to agree to that?” I asked my counterpart.
“No, for the most part it’s working and I have my ways.” He said with a scowl though I noticed a sly grin across his face.
For now though I decided to let it go for the moment and asked,“But?”
“But nothing. I guess Colgate doesn’t exist.” He said with a shrug.
“But we need her because of her being a…Wait a tick.” I said and broke from our huddle. “Minuette by chance are you a Time Lord?” I asked.
“A what?” she asked confused looking away from the parchment to look at us.
“Never mind as you were.” I said and rejoined the huddle. “So this puts a damper into my plans.” I whisper to him.
“Or does it.” He replied back as he held a silver pocket watch in his hand.
“Is that a-”
“Yes it is.”
“And how do we know it’ll work. Doesn’t this define as the ‘it’s too convenient’ category?”
“You would think that, so it’ll instead not be convenient by being convenient.”
“…That doesn’t make any sense. Since I now know that, it’ll be convenient by not being convenient it’ll then go back to being not convenient.”
“You’re just overthinking things.” He said with a dismissive wave. “Plus do you have a better idea?” I thought about it for a moment and just shrugged, this technically wasn’t the worst plan he’s made so far, and nodded in agreement. “Oh, Minuette, dear.” He said and tossed the watch over towards her, “Be a sport and open that for me would you.”
“…Why?” She asked as she examined the watch with its alien like design on it.
“Because I asked nicely.” He said while fluttering his eyelashes at her with a big creepy smile.
“…Oooookkkkkk not suspicious or creepy at all.” She said with a look of jokingly disgust. Tentatively she began to open the device.
Derange and I watched her as she slowly reached towards opening the watch. Our eyes boring holes through it while I bit the bottom of my lip and Derange started to bite his nails in anticipation.
“Ahem.” Minuette said getting our attention and looked at us with a brow raised in suspicion. We just muttered an apology and took it down a notch, but never kept our eyes off of her for more than a minute. I swear I could hear the Legend of Zelda song--the one when you open chest--going off as Minuette slowly opened the watch. Time seemed to slow at a crawl. Just at the climax of the song she opened it and…nothing happened.
“Well that was anti-climatic.” Derange said with a bored expression.
I was about to say ‘I told you so’ when suddenly the room was filled with a bright light followed by a small explosion. After a couple of seconds I groggily got back up--a slight ringing going off in my ear-- and walked back over towards where we were originally sitting. Silver and Derpy were off to the side, probably Silver and her reflexes that saved them from harm’s way, while Derange started to climb back thru the hole shape imprint in the wall. The area we were at was a complete and total wreck. The chairs and table were scattered all over the place while the couches were turned over near the wall. Minuette was nowhere to be seen. A small blast area covered in suit…with a small pile of ashes in the center.
“Oh no.” I said noticing the pile of ashes and quickly turned to Derange. “What the fuck happened!” I yelled with clenched teeth my eyes narrowing as I glared at him. Derpy was quietly sobbing into Silver’s coat while Silver gently stroked Derpy’s mane.
“I swear that wasn’t supposed to happen!” He said with a panicked look on his face as he backed away from me while I slowly approached him.
I was about one good step away from being able to skin him alive when a loud audible cough could be heard causing all heads to turn towards the source. “Oh my everything.” Minuette’s voice rung out as she slowly got up from the turned over couch.
Before I could voice out my happiness for her well being Derpy beat me to the punch as she brought Minuette into a big hug. “Derpy….can’t…breath…also in…pain!” She said her black soot face turning blue, somehow.
Derpy blushed a little and released her friend with a big goofy smile as tears of joy continued to go down her muzzle. “Whoops, sorry Minuette.” She said while rubbing the back of her head, her body now covered in soot.
“It’s fine.” She said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. Only to then glare at Derange and I. “So care to explain.” She said with an unamused look.
“It’s all his fault and I’m truly absolutely sorry for what happened. Aren’t we Derange?” I said as I glared at him.
“How’s it all my-” Before he could finish his question, I slapped him hard upside the head. “Ow! Ok, FINE. It was all my fault and I’m sorry. Truly and honestly sorry.” He said while rubbing the back of his head.
“*sigh* Apology accept.” She said tiredly. Derange and I silently cheered, but were quickly put in our place. “Just don’t do something stupid like that again.” She scolded.
“Again? That implies-” I tried to show off my intellect--which doesn’t happen that often truth be told-- though it’s been happening more frequently since I arrived.
“Yeah, yeah. If the princess says so then I really don’t have a choice, but to forgive you since we’ll be spending time with one another.” She said with that same tired/annoyed voice, but quickly changed to a devise one. “Besides you owe me. BIG time.” She said emphasizing the word. Derange was about to make a witt…ok. Not witty, but a really, really, lame and obvious comment until a glare shut him up.
“But I can’t. Who’ll take care of Dinky. Besides I promised her we would do something after school took a break.” Ditzy said with a conflicting look. One part of her didn’t want to let the Princess down, but the other was that of a mother who had responsibilities.
“You could always bring her along.” Derange said stupidly which we responded with a ‘are you that stupid’ kind of look. “Hey, hey, hear me out at least.” He said and continued, “It could be like a learning vacation like deal. You get to help us while showing your daughter the world besides Ponyville and Canterlot and teaching her life lessons and what not.”
“But what if she gets hurt or worse?” Ditzy asked with concern.
“Like we’ll-” He said while pointing to me and himself. “-let any of you get hurt in the first place and besides who’s going to be stupid enough to fight us. I mean, come on, we’re bucking Draconquai for Luna’s sake.”
She seemed to be in deep thought for a while one eye cast down in concentration while the other one was looking off towards the side. “I did promise her we do something fun.” She mumbled quietly.
“Then it’s decided.” Derange said with a nod.
“Now I’m going to go see the doctor, take a bath, then we’ll meet at the entrance of the castle and head out.” She said with a look that said, ‘don’t buck with me’.
“Crystal clear, Ma’am.” Derange said and gave a mocked salute.
“While that’s going on, Silver, why don’t you get us some supplies.” I said to the mare which was returned with a nod and excused herself.
“Let’s go, Derpy.” Minuette said to the blonde mane mare and started to head out, but quickly turned back. “Oh, I almost forgot. Aren’t you two forgetting something?” She asked, but got blank looks from us. “A certain device that a ‘Doctor’ carried around.” She elaborated.
“Wait? The watch actually worked?” I asked half surprised while Derange reached into his coat and started fishing around for something.
“Somewhat. Things are a bit mushed up, but I now have more knowledge than before and with addition to other random tidbits of information…I can’t believe Colgate went by the name ‘The Dentist’. That’s just…so lame.” She said and shook her head in disappointment.
“Here ya go.” Derange said and handed her a sonic screwdriver.
“…this isn’t going to blow up in my face right?” She asked joking, yet being very cautious with the device at the same time.
“I’m about 99.5% sure it’s not going to and just a heads up it’s not as powerful as it should be, but it’ll get the job somewhat done still.”
“Hmmm, it’ll do for now.” She replied back while carefully looking over the device. “Wait! What are you going to be doing while we're gone?”
“Well who do you think's’ going to clean this room.” I stated and pointed to the mess. With that they said their goodbyes and left the room leaving Derange and I on our own for a bit.
“Were not really going to clean this room are we?” He asked.
“Pfft, No. I just didn’t want to have to do anything. And that’s not really Celestia’s hoof/hand/whatever writing is it?”
“Oh, it is. I may or may not have been disguised as a guard asking for her to sign for my vacation time and then magicked up this piece of parchment and move set signature over.” He said with a grin.
“Clever, but let’s not use it too often.” I said and added quickly, “Don’t want to get on her bad side.”
“Oh, you’re just saying that cause you have the hots for her sister.”
“That and I don’t want the sun goddess out for my head.” I said and left the half destroyed room. Somewhere in the distance I could hear someone muttering about the messes he had to clean up.
New Perk Gained:
What the F…: Just like the title suggests objects you summon have a one and three chance of exploding, you better be good at hot potato…or knowing when the object is going to actually blow up or not.
~Few minutes later~
“Wow, we’re not lost this time.” I said mildly surprised. You see, I’m sure you know by now--thanks to all the bitching I do--that Canterlot castle is huge/confusing as hell to navigate, but not this time apparently as Derange and I were now walking through the hall of history or whatever it’s called.
Thanks to the show I recognize a good deal of them: When Celestia fought her sister, when the Elements of Harmony beat Nightmare, when they beat Discord, and others that I’m either too lazy to say or just didn’t recognize, but one of them stood out.
It was the single most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on and trust me back home I was ‘invited’--more like bribed--to a lot of art galleries, while the fat rich bastards looked at them and showed off who could buy the most and expensive pieces, but I digress. It was a detailed portrait of both Celestia and Luna, both poised as they raised the sun and moon, respectively. Around the border was that of an old clock, just by looking at it I could tell this thing was a true work of art and not like the other stuff back at home. Inscribed on the bottom were the words, “May the sun and moon remind us of better times.”
“*Whistles* Wow, ain’t that something else.” Derange said mesmerized by the glass piece.
“Yeah it is.” I replied back mesmerized as well, but not just because of how it looked, it was the smell that was coming off of it that was quirking my interest. The best way to describe the smell is simply this: it smelt like good. Doesn’t make sense right? But there was literally no other way for me to describe it.
I tentatively walked closer towards the glass, but the second I was in arm reach the piece of glass seemed to glow with magic and project a small image of…me back when I was twelve.
~~~~~~~Flash Back~~~~~~~
‘Dammit.’ I thought to myself after I missed again. I quickly got into my batter stance once more waiting for the pitching machine to fire another baseball. A dull *thump* rung out and the ball sped…right by me again. “Dammit!” I yelled enraged and walked away as my time ran out.
Sitting down by the entrance to the batting cages, I waited for my dad to return with lunch. With nothing better to do I got a better look at my surroundings. I was near a baseball field where the adults played baseball, obviously. My dad brought me here often to practice since it was a way for us to bond since I only saw him during the weekends. Most kids whose parents divorced say they have it rough, but apparently I was one of the few lucky ones who still got to see both of them.
“Hey BJ, what’s wrong?” My father asked as he slowly approached me with food in one hand and drinks in the other. BJ was my nickname ever since I could remember, heck my dad side of the family still calls me that while my mom side calls me Ron, but that’s later in the future. It was short for Bart Junior since I was named after my father, who by the way changed his name to Bart if you didn’t catch that. My dad was tall about six foot two with a grey beard that covered his face. He was wearing a simple white t shirt with blue jeans. He was about in his early forties at the time his bald head blinding any who got in its path.
“Nothing.” I said disheartedly and made my way to an old worn out bench. We both sat down and ate our lunch the cold soda going down smoothly.
“BJ.” He said with his authoritative voice which brought me out of my thoughts. “I know that look. What’s wrong?” He asked his tone changing to one of concern. “Is it about your batting again?”
“Yeah.” I said solemnly. Truth of the matter is, I was always better than most in baseball, which doesn’t say much when you have others that are being forced to play rather than choose to play. My coaches could literally put me anywhere and I be better than others, except catcher and pitcher because my throws were quote on quote, ‘to unpredictable’-- which I couldn’t deny--, but that’s a story for another time.
The one thing I always sucked at was batting. Some say it’s because I’m too shy and that the pressure gets to me, while others say I plain out just suck. Either way I always did bad when I was up to bat. It was one of the reasons why I was practicing to hopefully get better, but my hopes weren’t raised by much. I mean, if I couldn’t hit the ball when I was not being watch by a crowd, how was I going to when the time came.
“Son, what do I always say about this problem?” He asked.
“Practice makes perfect, but if you couldn’t notice it’s not working!” I snapped and quickly turned away. I was on the verge of crying, but kept them back, sniffling every so often.
He just patiently waited for me to calm down. “BJ did I ever tell you the story about how I asked your mother out?” How couldn’t I? It was hilarious how my dad was trying to be ‘smooth’, leaned against the desk only for the desk to move away causing him to fall. It apparently got him pity points, but after that it was smooth sailing from there.
I nodded my head and he asked, “And what about the times I proposed to your mother and again failed?” I once again nodded and he continued, “So even though I messed up so many times why do you think your mother said yes?”
I answered with the most classic and thought out answer a kid at my age could think of, “I don’t know.”
“It was because I didn’t give up.” He said and added with a cheeky smile, “Also because of my good look, wits, and amongst other things.” I chuckled at his lame joke, only to later fully understand the ‘amongst other things’ part and had to go to therapy to forget about...ok, that’s a bit of a lie, but still I didn’t get the joke until later and he never lets me forget about it either.
“But no seriously, it was because I didn’t give up…in fact I’m going to give you a piece of advice your great grandpa told me.” He said and motioned me to get closer. “He said, ‘Bart no matter what you’re going to do you’ll fail’.” He began.
‘…wow what a way to cheer me up, gee thanks.’ I thought.
However before I could voice my thoughts he continued, “But just because you will fail doesn’t mean you won’t succeed. Just like great men before you, they too failed, but you know what the difference was? They didn’t quit or throw in the towel. They pushed themselves to become better and better till one day they did what they had to do.” He finished.
“So, basically you're telling me not to give?” I deadpanned since he’s already said that to me before.
“The point is son that no one is ever good at everything, sure some people are natural at it, but they too have to practice to get better.” He said and patted me on the back. “Now let’s get you back home.”
~A Week later~
‘Why? Why must you be so cruel?’ I asked to no one in particular as I looked up to the sky. It was the last match before the championship and we were one win away from going there…and of course I was the last chance we had to go there. Did I also mention it was a cheesy bases are loaded and there were two outs because life couldn’t be easy or fair or kind.
As I walked towards my doom I took a glance towards the bleachers to see my dad and mom giving me the signature good luck pose. I got into my batter stance and waited for the pitch. The first one was a ball, followed by another ball, followed by a strike, followed by…me instinctively dodging a ball to the face. Of course to make matters better this was the third time today…and they were all aimed towards me. The coach of course pointed that out saying that it was intentional, but the kid denied it and apologized even though as he walked back to the mound I could see a sly smirk on his face. The next pitch I took a chance and swung only for it to miss completely.
So here I was bases loaded, two out, three balls, four runs down from wining, and this was the finally inning…I swear this could pass off as a cheesy baseball story where the hero hits a homerun and we celebrate. Only that wasn’t going to happen since I suck at batting. I stepped back for a sec to take a couple of practice swings and to calm my heart rate, which was beating a mile a minute. I walked up to the plate and kicked off some of the dirt from my cleats.
As I readjusted the straps on my glove I looked at the pitcher once more. He was taller than me--granted I was pretty short back then--as he was about four foot ten with black hair and black eyes. We locked eyes for a few moments, before he gave me a smug smile that said this was over. That I was pathetic. That this next pitch was either going right down the plate or right towards my face.
I thought about it for a moment and he was probably right. Not about me being pathetic, but about how I’d either miss completely or I’d be too chicken to take a swing. The next thing I did was one of the craziest things I’ve ever done at that age…I brought my bat up and pointed towards the field. That got me a mix of roars of excitement from one side while the other side was just laughing at my exclamation. The boy just glared at me, I just gave him a quick little smooch face, and got in my batter stance. He lined up the pitch and let it fly. Just as the ball reached the halfway mark time seemed to slow to a crawl as the ball slowly made its way toward its destination.
I had only one thought at the time, ‘Oh crap! What was I thinking.’ I yelled as I felt myself tense up. I grasped the bat as hard as my hands could and froze in place. ‘What do I do? What the heck do I do?’ I yelled in my head not expecting an answer, but was surprised when I did get a response.
‘Swing the bat you idiot!’ A voice rung out within my head. I panicked and at the last second swung the bat with all my strength. A dull *dink* rung out as I felt the bat’s vibration go through my hands and watched in amazement as the ball soared through center field. The crowd was silent in anticipation while center field ran as fast as he could towards the ball hoping to catch it. The ball was almost past the fence line as it slowly started to descend. The ball hit the top of the fence, the short center field’s men jumped for it but missed as it bounced a second time, causing him to fall on his butt. Then the ball bounced once more and…fell right next to the guy on the ground. The crowd was silent, no one dared to move or say anything, because of the sheer chance of luck that it not only bounced three times on the fence, but fell back in bounds.
“Run, stupid, run!” Yelled one of the adults on my side causing both sides to yell out ‘Run’ or ‘throw the ball’ and so I did. I ran, ran as fast as I could as I dropped the bat while my teammate were already halfway to second base. I touched first and turned to second pushing my body as hard as I could as my other two teammates already made it to home base. Second base came quick and I turned running towards third only to see that third base now had the ball and was coming after me. I made a 180 only to make another one--the kid falling for my plan--as he threw it to second--who missed--as it flew over his head towards right field. I made it to third and once more turned towards my final destination, home base.
It was the final stretch or so they say. About a few feet away and we’d be going to the championship all I had to do was make it there and we’d be--wait for it--home free…ok that was lame, but it was still true.
‘Almost there!’ I thought as my heartbeat was beating in my ears. ‘Almost-’ I thought until out of the corner of my eyes I saw a white blur going towards the same area.
Instinctively I slid head first, my helmet falling off, as I stretched my hand as far as I could. A cloud of dust covered the area; the crowd silently waiting for the dust to part. “You’re out!” Yelled the empire. Of course the coach was immediately at him yelling about unfair call and what not. I wasn’t really paying attention and for good reasons. I finally did it, but not only did I hit the ball, I almost got a home run. Even at the end of the day when we had our semi-victory party, I was still stoked about the next chance I could get at being up to bat.
~End Flashback~
The scene ended during the middle of the party. “Good times.” Derange said with a reminiscent smile.
“Yeah…now that I think about it, that was the first time we ever met. Sort of kind of.” I said as I looked at him, matching him with my own smile.
“Hmmm, yes, sort of kind of.” He replied back and look like he was searching for a certain phrase or set of words to explain. “It more like…I’ve always gave you advice on what to do, but you’d subconsciously ignore them. Sure, sometime I’d get through, but more often than not they wouldn’t. I guess the best way to look at is like the ‘WTF brain’ moments, only you’d ignore most of them before they could even get there.”
“…Yeah, sorry about that…I guess.” I said as I was unsure how to word out an apology.
“No, it’s fine. I understand, didn’t like it and it was awfully boring, but I understand.” He said as he grabbed a black sharpie and moved towards the glass picture.
“DERANGE!” I yelled and slapped the sharpie out of his hand.
“What? It would have been hilarious besides it’d come off…eventually.” He replied back.
“Then why does it say ‘permanent’ on it?” I asked with a raised brow.
“I said eventually.” He replied back with a shrug.
“*Sigh* Come on you, let’s go before you ruin anything else.” I said and grabbed him by the back of his neck.
“Hey, it’s not my fault the watch explode…ok, maybe I should have seen that coming.” He quickly corrected himself as I glared at him.
~Entrance to Canterlot Castle~
“Wow, I can’t believe we got here so easily and without getting lost this time.” I said surprised while we waited for the others.
“The author must have felt pity for us or the joke of Canterlot castle being huge got old real quick.” Derange replied back while lying down on a cloud.
I just ignored his comment and lounged on my own cloud. It was a gold yellow and yes I named it Nimbus. Why? Because you’re jealous, I’m not very creative, and most importantly for the hell of it. Then out of nowhere I had a craving for a drink. “Hey Derange?” I asked which he responded back with an ‘Hmmm?’ “You know what sounds good right now? A milkshake.” I answered before he could respond.
“Ah yes, you might get random cravings from time to time.” He replied and with a motion of his hand summoned chocolate milk shakes for us.
“Really? And I was called unoriginal.” I said throwing the milkshake away and surprised it didn’t explode, but instead left a huge mess on one of the carpets.
“Were not going to clean that up right?” Derange asked.
I just whistled innocently as I made my way towards the carpet, flipped the carpet--the other side being the exact same before the spill--,and walked back to my cloud acting like nothing happened. “So like I was saying: totally unoriginal.” He then motioned for me to show him up and I planned to do so. Summoning up my chaos magic I focused on the item I wanted and a second later a purple puff filled the air around my hand. What was set on my hand was the single most beautiful thing ever to be made by mankind…it was a Shamrock shake.
“Touché.” Derange said and with the snap of his fingers his shake changed as well to a lime green shake.
I brought out a silly straw, set it into my drink, and began to drink set drink. (Ha! I heard you like drinks, so I put a drink within your drink so you could drink your drink.)…ok hopefully that’ll be the last lame joke for the chapter. Two things: One it was delicious and two-- and my personal favorite-- it never went down. Do you know how F***ing awesome that is. Never having to pay for a refill or having to wait for it or other tidbits from my old life. Nope, just a snap away and I got myself an endless supply of milkshakes. Life is so bucking awesome.
“I see you found something to do.” Minuette’s voice rang out. Turning to see where the sound came from I saw Silver and Minuette, who were both carrying simple saddle bags with two extras.
“So we got everything we need?” I asked while still drinking my milkshake.
“Food, water, and basic survival gear.” Silver reported and set the bags down. I took notice one was smaller than the other.
“I’m guessing these two are for Ditzy and Dinky.” I nodded while I shifted the wacky straw around.
“Hey where’s ours?” Derange whined like a little girl…or is it filly now?
“Why would you need one? You two can literally summon anything you could possibly need.” Minuette said and motioned towards our milkshakes.
“…It’s the thought that counts.” Derange pouted.
“Derange, she has a point and besides I’ll be able to move around more easily.” I said and continued, “So how long do you think it’ll take-” I didn’t get to finish my question as the sound of a large crash could be heard from outside followed by,’I just don’t know what went wrong?’
Minuette made a comment about ‘just like old times’, Silver looked bored, and Derange was chuckling to himself. A couple seconds later a familiar grey pony walked in with an embarrassed blush across her muzzle. “Heh, heh, sorry I’m late everypony.” She said, but was interrupted by a light purplish streak that tackled into Minuette.
“MINUETTE!” The little purple unicorn cried out in joy as she hugged the living hell out of her. She had a blonde set of hair and matching eyes, yet I noticed she didn’t have a cutie mark.
“It’s good to see you too, Dinky. Now can you please stop hugging me, I can’t breathe.” Minuette said and was released from the hug. Dinky didn’t seem to notice as she spent the next couple of minutes acting like Twilight filly when she got her cutie mark. As in she was jumping around Minuette yelling ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ Minuette muttered something about how she was like her mother with hugging while Derpy, me, and Derange smiled at the scene.
“Wow, I thought Mommy was only kidding about you being back and that you were going to go on a vacation with us.” Dinky said with big bright eyes and turned towards Derange and I. “And that it was thanks to Mr. Discor-Oops. I mean Mr. Drake that you’re back and that you’re going with us.”
“Well, I can’t take full credit.” I said with a sheepish smile.
“Yup, because it was, this guy right here, that reunited these two wonderful friends and offered a free vacation like deal.” Derange boasted while pointing at himself.
“Yes, because let’s forget the fact that Minuette was already planning on coming back home, and she more than likely wouldn’t try to contact them.” Silver deadpanned with a hint of sarcasm.
“…Spoilsport.” Derange said with a pout.
“So, uh, Mr. Drake? Can I ask you for a favor?” Dinky asked while shuffling her hooves and used the good old puppy eyes.
…excuse me for a moment while I have a massive heart failure.
“Yes, anything you want.” I said as I got up from that massive heart attack I went through.
“Can you make it rain muffins?” She asked.
“MUFFINS?!?” Ditzy yelled with a happy glee and started to look all over the room.
“Uh, Dinky, sweetheart.” I said with a kind smile and continued, “I don’t think Celestia would be very happy with me if I made it rain muffins- *Dinky starts to pout* -without asking for her permission of course.” I finished with a bad poker face over my incredible crappy lie.
“Ohhh, that makes sense.” She said with a nod.
“If we’re done fooling around can we get going to…wait. Where are we going exactly?” Silver asked.
“Wherever the wind takes us, my dear Silver. Wherever the wind takes us.” Derange said in a dramatic pose. You know the one where the character is looking off in the distance, a slight breeze blowing his hair to and fro.
“Which is where exactly?” She deadpanned much to the amusement of Ditzy and Dinky.
He just responded with a shrugged and gestured towards me for an answer…dick. Now being the center of attention I told them. “That a wayish.” I said pointing towards--what I assume--is south. It’s a weird feeling being able to sense where chaos is. It’s like being able to feel which way the wind is blowing only more I just know where or which way it is. Not even an if, and or but I just know. I assume it’s just a natural instinct for a Draconequus just like how fish know how to swim.
“So you don’t even know where we’re going.” Minuette said.
“Well, if you want to get technical and whatnot…yeah, pretty much.” I said with a shrug.
“Wait, I just realized you never even told us what we were going to be helping with.” She said.
“Well it's simple really, spread chaos to create harmony.” The girls gave me a ‘what the fuck’ kind of look so I elaborated, “*sigh* Ok, here’s the deal. Your world right now is going through a metaphorical sh…I mean a really bad storm of chaos. So we need to fix this storm by spreading chaos to either lessen the blow or complete get rid of it. Think of it as a math problem positive times positive equals positive, negative times positive equals negative, and negative times negative equals positive.”
“So, how are we going to help with that?” Ditzy asked.
“You’d help me by being advisors, another set of eyes if you will, to help point out if I made the place to chaotic or it’s not chaotic enough.” I took a breath and continued, “If we follow the D&D alignment system I’d imagine Minuette is a Good something, while I am a Neutral something and Derpy is a…Chaotic something”
“Wait Mr-” Dinky tried to say.
“Just Drake is fine, my dear.”
“Ok, Drake. Why is my mommy Chaotic when you’re Chaotic?” She asked confused.
“Well Dinky, when your mother does something ponies tend to get hurt regardless if it was intentional or not.” I replied back as nicely as I could.
“That’s not true!” Ditzy cried out in embarrassment and accidentally knocked over a vase. “That was an accident!” She exclaimed only to knock over another one. “So was that one!” She cried out again only to yet again knock another one over.
“Der-Derpy stop you-you’re killing me.” Minuette said in-between laughs.
“I-it’s not funny Minuette.” Ditzy said as she slammed her hoof down on a nearby table while her muzzle turned a shade of red. The table buckled under the pressure which threw some well placed pies towards yours truly and hit me right in the face. I just gave her an ‘you were saying’ kind of look. “But…it was…I just don’t know what went wrong.” She said and flopped to the ground. The wood creaked under her weight and gave way causing the piece of wood to hit me right between my legs…did I mention that castle floors were originally cemented like how other castle were modeled.
As I clutched my…you know what, any male would know the pain of getting hurt there, so I’ll save myself the trouble. “That’s why, Dinky. Also, Derange, hold this” I said as I handed him my drink and fell over withering in pain. The next few minutes were spent trying to regain some feeling back into my family jewels.
After a couple minutes of silence, mostly me trying to get over the pain, I was finally able to get back up. “Soooooo, we going to go now or are we going to chill here?” Derange asked as he handed back my drink.
“Yeah, but let’s see if there’s a train going towards our destination.” I said and started to head out only to turn back around and ask, “So who knows where the train station is?” Silver offered to lead the way and as we followed her--the girls making idle chit chat--Derange pulled me to the back of the group.
“Drake.” He said with a serious tone and then hugged me. “Thank you.”
“Uh, for what?” I asked confused by the random hug. Also just so you know, it was one of those awkward man hugs..
He looked at me tears brimming around his eyelids and pointed towards the front. “Dem flanks.” He said with a happy smile and continued. “I can’t believe you didn’t notice that we're pretty much in an all girl team and were the only male in set team…and it’s beautiful.” He finished while wiping a tear drop away.
“Ok, one: Silver and Minuette want nothing to do with you, two: Ditzy is a mom and three: you do anything to taint Dinky’s mind and I’ll kill you myself.”
“One: that means there single and I can hit on them, two: Ditzy is a milf and a hot one at that and three: come on I’m not that bad…ok, I’ll try to control myself around her, but no promises.” Derange said. “Now come on live a little.” He said and forced my head to look towards their-NOPE!
“Nope! Nope! Nope!” I said grabbed Derange and forced us to walk next to Silver.
Companion Perks added:
Time Lord Assistance: Thanks to that explosion Minuette has become a fourth of a time lord allowing her access to better knowledge of magic. All magic is 15% easier to do.
Natural Clutz: Derpy just doesn’t know what went wrong…ever, but thanks to that either good or bad things will happen. (This perk is affected by your luck)
Foal at Heart: Thanks to Dinky your interaction with children, and some adults, allow unique dialogue choices.
I know a Guy: Silver seems to know or just have a connection with just about everyone. Thanks to that you gain certain dialogue options with certain authorities or crime lords that either get you off the hook or into even more trouble.
~A week later~
So yeah, a week passed and nothing really exciting happened. We took a train down south which took three days then walked the rest of the way towards our destination. Which I still have no idea where or what the place was, so we spent most of our time just talking getting to know one another. We were getting close to our destination--about an hour away give or take--, but the harsh rainforest like jungle was getting to us causing us to take breaks every so often. Looking at my Pip-Boy map, I could see we were about a couple of miles away from the Equestrian border and we were in what was being labeled the Great Southern Rainforest.
Ditzy, Dinky, and Minuette were talking about past events, Silver was keeping quiet though she did come out of her shell a bit. However she still preferred to keep quiet only replying with comments here or there, and Derange was well…
“So, how about this? ” He asked as he started to play the song.
“It’s a good song, but how is that going to be our theme song?” Minuette asked.
“I agree with her. Besides that’s a total rip off and you know it” I said with a nod of my head.
“Geez, fine. How about some Jazz? " He asked.
“Ohhh, I like it.” Ditzy said while Dinky nodded her head in agreement.
“It’s a great song, but it just doesn’t fit us.” I chided.
“Ok, how about something hispanic-ish?”
“No.” Was the group response.
“Alright, how about This?”
“Bwhaahahahahah!” Me and Derange both laughed as we listened to the whole song. The thing that made it hysterical beside the song was the fact that Minuette, Ditzy, and Dinky were actually, and somehow, dancing to the song which was funny to see them stand on their hind legs.
“No.” Was Silver’s only response as she faced hoofed and continued on without us.
“O-okay Derange, th-that was funny, but I agree with Silver.” I said as we caught up and got over our laughing fit.
“I know that was for the lolz.” He said while wiping a few tears from his eyes thanks to all the laughing we just went through.“So how about this?”
“NO!” The girls shouted while covering their ears.
“Well, I thought the song was alright, but again how does this work as a theme song?” I asked
“Geez, first ‘it has to be good’, then ‘it has to sound good’, now it’s ‘it has to work and make sense’. You guys are so hard to please ya know that.” He said and after a couple minutes of searching he asked, “Ok what about this or maybe you want the original?”
“Again, they’re both good songs, but they have nothing to do with us.” I chided.
“Fine, I’ll get back to you guys when I think of something.” He said and began to mutter under his breath.
About a couple minutes later I could see the opening to what looked like a clearing. “Fillies and gentlecolts, behold and welcome to our destination which is-.” I announced while looking towards my Pip-Boy waiting for it to tell me the name of the village. A quiet ding sound could be heard followed by the name of the village. “Ah, there we go. As I was saying welcome to-”
(this is the best I could find for the part I was looking for skip to 4:30 it's Jurrasic Park)
"-Wethoof *Location found plus 10% experience*. Ha, I bet a lot of you thought we were just going to end the chapter without telling you where we were at.” Derange finished for me while adding some…wait, what?
“Derange? Who are you talking to?” I asked.
“Derange, is just talking to himself again, best to just ignore him.” Silver said and continued towards the village.
“Hey, I’m not crazy…scratch that I am, but I was just letting the audience know we weren’t going to pull a S-”
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I hate sleep which is why I can kill it by reading stories
The cabbages were destroyed again? O'Brain will suffer for this.
moviesmedia.ign.com/movies/image/article/980/980062/top-25-star-trek-characters-20090507044435570.jpg
I'm guessing it's not when Capt. Steiner calls the Knights of Pluto in FF IX.
And how about THIS for a theme?
1127430 glad i could help
1128186 sorry not much of a startrek fan so i don't really get the joke
1128872 i actually have a pretty good theme song already i just plan to tell everyone later. Also i absouletly liked the song and plan to use it later so congrats Mr. AJ when the time comes i'll be sure to mention you in the story
1132300 YES TISS WETHOOF....wait are we doing canterlot voice or just making sure others know where i'm at
1132794 Aww, I'm touched. At least that's what most folks say about me anyway.
The title reminds me of a TVtropes forum i saw a while ago.
1161221 just found out what TVtroops is, since i've heard from a lot of people, and it's technically there, but to help it's from a quote from a movie
... Avengers assemble?
1177251 nope i'm not that obvious.............but all jokes aside that's not the answer
I guess unicorns aren't made for Gulags.
I thought her name was Minuette not Colgate. What's with the name change?
3120139
maybe it was the curved swords?