• Published 2nd Jul 2012
  • 5,346 Views, 224 Comments

From Order to Chaos - Neoandermcd



My life was simple, but everything changed after the chess game attacked...wait wrong story. This is the story of a man who tries to hold onto his sanity while participating in a game created by the gods.

  • ...
24
 224
 5,346

Assembling the team?

“No.” Derange said flatly as we just entered our temporary room.

“But-”

“I said NO!” He yelled, now clearly annoyed. And let me tell you to finally get back at that little jackass felt so good.

“Still don’t see what the big deal is.” I replied back nonchalantly as I sat down in one of the chairs in my room.

“Of course you wouldn’t Mr. Unoriginal.” He said with a roll of his eyes.

“What? Traveling with the mane six is totally original!” I replied back.

“Look I could sit here for hours and explain WHY that is so unoriginal and also not possible, but I’m going to save us the headache and just say no. So deal with it.” He said with a determined look.

“Fine, fine you win. I’ll think of someone or somepony else to travel with, but could I at least hug them?” I asked. What don’t judge me all bronies want to at least hug them.

“Fine one hug for one minute” he said.

“Ten.”

“One.”

“Five and I won’t bitch slap you for any rude comments for the rest of the day.”

He thought about it for a moment, lightly tapping is eagle claw against his chin. “Deal.” He agreed and we shook on it. A second later a strange looking device, that reminded me of the Engineers building schematics showed up in his hand. He then began to scroll through the list of possible names of--what I assume-- was everypony know to existent. “Ok, we’re all good to go. Just remember five minutes.” He said.

“Of hugtime right not duration of them being here?” I asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I took account of that.” He said dismissively and pushed a couple of buttons. I was then momentarily blinded by a flash of light, but then stood there mouth agape as I watched the six ponies slowly get over their disorientation of the unannounced teleport.

“DISCORD!” Rainbow Dash yelled being the first one to get her bearings and flew up close, merely an inch away from my face. “What are YOU doing back? Didn’t we just turn you into stone and why do you look different as well?” She asked question after question.

Now I’m rather calm in any given situation. So naturally I responded quite intelligently, “OH MY GOD! I’m being interrogated by Rainbow Dash.”

“Yo skittles mind calming down a bit.” Derange said as he relaxed on my shoulder.

“Who you callin’ skittles shorty.” Dash retorted as she now sized him up.

“Hey I’m not short, I’m merely a fabrication of this guys repressed psyche!” He shouted back.

“Sorry all I heard was blah blah blah I’m an egghead blah.” Dash said tauntingly.

“Wow you an egghead that’s a laugh. Also can you please stop yelling near my ear.” I said to Derange, but was ignored as he flew over towards Dash.

“At least I’m not a fillyfooler.”

“W-what did you just call me?” Dash asked rather calmly her face turning a shade of red.

“F-i-l-l-y-f-o-o-l-e-r.” Derange taunted as he spelled it out, only to dodge a right hook--or is it hoof-- from Dash. “Sorry sweet cheeks, but no cigar.” He taunted with a cheeky grin while dodging another punch. “Or should it be dice? Since I don’t know if you guys smoke or anything.” He continued with a questioning look while lightly tapping his chin in a thinking manner. Miraculously he was still dodging the barrage of blue hooves.

“That’s it. You're dead!” Dash yelled out in rage as she charged forwards only to phase right through Derange and smack full force right into a wall.

“Oohh, that’s gonna leave a mark.” I said with a slight cringed.

“Dash, y'all alright?” AJ asked as she helped Dash on her feet.

“Yeah, I will be right after I knock that smug smile off his face.” She roared and flew off towards Derange once more. Although Derange was now sporting a matadors outfit and holding a red cape beside him.

“OLE!” He yelled as Dash passed him. “Come on, Torero. Come on.” He taunted as he waved the red cape in front of him. Dash just screamed out in rage and charged head first.

“O-” Derange was about to say only to barely dodge the rainbow haired Pegasus. “Holy crap that was-” He tried to say once more, but had to jump-- even though they’re up in the air-- out of the way as Dash flew past him once more. “Would you calm down sprinkles it was a joke!” Derange cried out as he flew around the room with Dash right on his tail.

“Shouldn’t we stop them?” Twilight asked as she watched little me and Dash fly around the entire room.

“Nah, best to just let them wear themselves out.” I replied nonchalantly while motioning the others to take a seat. With a snap of my finger I summoned a tray full of tea cups and a kettle. Pouring some tea I then began to pass it to the girls.

“Oh, uh, thank you, Sir-?” Rarity asked with a nervous grin.

“Drake, Drake the Draconequus and the little guy is Derange.” I said while I gestured towards him.

“WHY IS NO ONE STOPPING THIS CRAZY MARE!?” Derange yelled as he zoomed by us, a rainbow trail followed closely behind.

“You reap what you sow.” I replied back and took a sip of my tea, the others soon joining me.

“So uh, Drake, is there a particularly reason why we were summoned to Canterlot? And for that matter why you’re here?” Twilight asked, but she seemed unfazed by my very presence, which has been a mixed result of panic/crying/anger/hate and my personal favorite bring out the torches and let’s go on a monster hunt.

“Well you see Twilight.” Derange began as he appeared right next to her, causing her to jump up in surprise. “When a mommy Draconequus and a daddy Draconequus love each other very much they-” he said and started to do simple…motions with his hands.

“No, Derange I think she means why we’re here. And also.” I said and pointed to the blue blur that was coming towards them.

“Oh shit. Thought I lost her.” He said with a straight face and flew away.

“Lost her…in this room…where you didn’t leave or where there’s nowhere to hide.” Rarity said slowly, trying to process his logic.

“It’s best just to assume he’s like Pinkie Pie, but more annoying rather than funny.” I said with a shrug. She accepted that answer with a knowing nod and brought up her tea to drink. “As for why I brought you here, it was simply to meet the legendary heroes of Equestria. The ones who defeated the Mare in the Moon and sealed the crazed Draconequus Discord to stone.” I said with a friendly smile, which was returned with a few nervous ones.

“But more importantly he’s a pervert who wants to hug you.” Derange said as he flew by.

The girls just look at me with raised brows waiting for my response. Scratch that only AJ, Rarity and Twilight were doing that. Pinkie was just giving a really huge-- yet creepy smile-- while Fluttershy was hiding behind Rarity. “So I’m guessing hugs are out of the question?” I asked with a nervous grin.

They looked at one another and with their strange female mind reading/talking power all silently agreed on something. “Control him and we’ll talk” They said and gestured towards Derange.

“Deal.” I said while summoning a top hat. Shoving my hand within the content of set hat I began to dig for something. After a couple of minutes of me throwing random things out of the hat such as a cactus, some swords, a mango--I’m not sure why, but for some reason I felt like laughing at someone else’s expense--, a piñata, a pina colada--which was delicious by the way--, a pip-boy 3000--which I stowed away for later--, Bender the robot--who wasn’t happy to be here--, the Twilight series --which I immediately forced Bender to shred into millions of little pieces and burned them, but it came with a heavy sacrifice as the pages killed Bender…thank god he’s just a cartoon and there’s no repercussions of summoning him here--, a toaster, Mitzy--Yeah I’m just going to put you back--Companion Cube--OH BUCK YEAH, KEEPING--, a ripped pair of boxers--I had the strangest feeling that I was going to be fed to Cerberus--, a yo-yo, and…Princess Luna?

“Oh thank the stars. Quick I don’t care how you’re doing this, but get me out of there!” Luna pleaded.

“Wut?” I said confused, but then I felt someone else pulling Luna back through the hat.

Luna’s eyes widen in panic. “Quickly before she pulls me back, I don’t want to sit through another minute of that awfully boring meeting.”

I was about to pull back, but suddenly Celestia’s head popped out of the hat…what the fuc… “Hello Drake, Oh and hello Twilight and friends.” She said nicely, but then turned her head towards Luna with a slight scowl. Also be in mind that both the princess heads are sticking out of set hat. “Luna, you can’t keep ditching these meeting they’re important to make sure you’re integrating back into our culture correctly.”

“But Tiaaaa.” Luna whined “There so boringggggg. How about instead we ditch the meeting and go have some fun.” She begged and then used the good all puppy eyes technique.

“Luna we can’t just-” Celestia tried to say, but Luna interrupted her.

“We could always go to that cake shop you like.”

“Well it has been quite some time since we spent time together.” She said, quickly caving in to the proposition.

“Then it’s decided.” Luna said with a quick nod and…turned around giving me an interesting view of her…cutie mark, a light blush spreading across my face.

“Dat fla-” Derange tried to say, but was knocked over by a blue blur.

Celestia sighed, “Just like flight school all over again.” Though that was quickly changed to a yelp as she leapt at of the hat and onto the couch next to me.

“Come on, Tia let’s go.” Luna said as she sat next to her sister, her horn glowing with magic. “Bye girls, bye Drake.” Luna said and then in a flash of light they were both gone.

“Well that was…interesting.” I said after about five minutes of staring at where the royal princess once sat, the girls looking at the same spot with their mouths a gap. I then slowly set the top hat down on the table as if it was time bomb waiting to explode, granted ignoring the nuke that I may or may not have chucked out the window. I then got up and made my way towards Derange and Dash. Dash trying to beat the ever loving shit out of Derange, while the latter dodge the onslaught of punches with the finesse of an eel or something equivalent to that…maybe a worm.

“Alright you two break it up.” I said as I grasped both of them by their necks. Derange hung there crossing his arms like he didn’t do anything wrong while Dash kept, you ever see someone hold back someone else with one hand while the person kept on swing punches, it was pretty much that.

“He/She started it!” They both yelled in unison while pointing towards one another.

“Yeah and I’m ending it!” I yelled as I walked back towards the couch. I sat Dash down on the chair with her friends and threw Derange towards the couch I was sitting on.

“Special treatment much.” He said the couch muffling up his words.

“Be grateful it was the couch and not the floor.” I retorted as I sat back down, the girls were now catching Dash up with what was going on.

“Um, if you don’t mind me asking, are you related to, uh, Discord? I mean, there nothing wrong with that it’s just-” Fluttershy asked, but trailed off.

“Uh, Derange are we related to Discord in anyway?” I asked my counterpart not entirely sure, but had at least a good idea.

“Well if I recall correctly, we’re Discord’s brother’s mother’s twice removed cousin’s nephew’s best friend’s former roommate.” Derange said the girls tilting their heads in confusion.

“What the hay does that even make you?” Dash yelled out in annoyance.

“Absolutely nothing.” Derange said with a smirk which quickly changed to him flinching as the blue mare tried to fly over towards and smack him across the face, but was being stopped by a light purplish glow.

“Derange.” I said with a growl.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sooooo sorry for everything.” He said sarcastically and lied down no longer interested.

“So about that hug.” I said with happy go lucky smile.

They looked at one another and with a nod of agreement Twilight said “Twenty seconds.”

“Five minutes.”

“Twenty seconds.”

“Three minutes.”

“Half a minute.”

“One and a half minutes.”

“Half a minute.”

“One minute.”

“…Deal (Barter pass successful, plus 10% experience).” Twilight agreed while I screamed like the little fan gir…I mean boy…screw it I’m happy and that all that matters.

“Group hug.” Pinkie screamed with a big happy smile. Her arms stretched around her friends, myself and even Derange as she brought us into a big group hug. And by the gods, goddess, and whatever else exist out there it was the greatest hug I’ve ever been a part of. Even after the minute passed and we sent them on their way I still had the biggest grin plastered on my face.

“So pervert, you ready to look for some ponies to travel with.” Derange said as he lightly slapped the back of my head, which I returned with a full blown sucker punch to gut. “Hey! You promised you wouldn’t hit me.” Derange said as he clutched his stomach.

“No, I promised I wouldn’t bitch slap you, not punch you.” I said with a sly smile.

He thought about it for a second and smiled right back. “Looks like I’m rubbing off on you.”

“Yeah don’t remind me.” I said with roll of my eyes. “So,” I said and cracked my fingers. “Let’s do this.”

~Half an hour later~

“Ok, what about Berry Punch?” I asked, listing off another pony name that I could recall.

“Hmmm, nope taken.” Derange answered with a bored expression.

I just groaned in annoyance, being that was the hundredth or so time he said that to me. “Ok, how about Vinyl?”

“Nope.”

“Doctor Whooves?”

“Nope and you already listed him.”

“Lyra?”

“And another side of nope on that.” Derange said as he scrolled through the list of names.

“Ok seriously, this is getting us nowhere. Couldn’t we scroll through the list of ponies who are quote on quote ‘not taken or being used’?” I asked him. He tilted his head in a thinking like gesture, which turned into a full blown look of realization. “You’re kidding me?” I asked with disbelief. “We could have done that from the very beginning!?”

“Whoops.” Was his response and he then began to hit buttons and turn some knobs while I face clawed/palmed.

“You know if I could kill you without there being repercussions, I would.” I said while rubbing the bridges of my eyes.

“Aww that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.” He said placing a hand on his--where I assume--heart. “Now get the door.” He deadpanned. Before I could even ask there was a knock at the door.

With a groan of annoyance I got up and opened the door to see a royal guard standing there. “T-the P-princesses require y-your presence in the throne room.” He stuttered out. I could tell he was a private or whatever chain of command they use because A) he didn’t have the lame fancy armor the other knights had and B) he looked like he was going to piss himself.

“Yo, Derange were needed. Let’s go.” I waved for my partner in crime to come along. He just floated on over towards my shoulder--muttering a shit load of curses--and sat right down as he continued to mess with the summoning device.

“Lead the way.” I gestured for the noob to show me the way. A few minutes passed as we made our way towards the throne room. Derange was ‘fixing’ the device after he raged and threw it towards the ground smashing it into a thousand little pieces. The guard every so often dared a glance towards us, but quickly turned back and continued leading us towards the throne room. Which I might add he was doing a far better job than guard 9 who pissed himself and fainted.

While I played with my newly acquired Pip-Boy…oh what the. “Hey Derange I got jibbed. This isn’t a Pip-Boy 3000.” I said as I finished strapping it on. Looking closer at it I should have notice the key difference between them. The one I had was sleeker than the original about my wrist too little than halfway towards my elbow. The metal, knobs, and buttons were all brand spanking new so they were more shiny and less worn out than the version I’ve seen in the game. But after scrolling through the screens I notice a lack of things. I couldn’t access my EFS (Eyes Forward Sparkle) and when I tried to access SAT it didn’t work, but everything else was there. A radio, map, item menu and a little pip version of a Draconequus.

“Let me see.” He said annoyed and walk on over towards the Pip-Boy, took a quick glance at it, and returned to his spot on my shoulder continuing his maintenance on the device.

“Well?” I asked after a couple minutes of silence.

“Hmmm? Oh, yeah. So basically it is the 3000, but it isn’t at the same time.” He said while continuing his work, not once taking his eyes off his work.

“So that means?” I asked.

“Get over it.” He deadpanned and continued. “You should realize chaos magic is complicated. Just because you have control over it doesn’t mean you have full control of what will happen.”

“Well…that’s a bunch of crap. What if I summoned I don’t know a grenade but it doesn’t explode. I’m basically screwed and the whole summon was pointless.”

“Meh, you get what you get and be grateful you even got one to begin with. Besides it will more than likely work for something so trivial as a grenade.” He said. He paused momentarily to look at me with now wearing a white doctor's coat and horned rim glasses. “If it were to be let’s say a magic weapon from a different universe then it may or may not work. There’s also the chance that if it does work it wouldn’t be as powerful or effective as it should be in our world”.

“So in other words Chaos magic is limited to certain things/aspects and could lead to random consequences.” I elaborated with my alter ego.

“Precisely. Now if you wouldn’t mind.” He said as he pointed to the broken device. “I’ve still got a shit load of work to do. So I think I’ll just head on back into our mind.” An eye blink later and he was back into the recess of my mind.

With nothing better to do or anybody to talk to, I decided to look over my Special out of sheer boredom. What? I’m still gonna keep it. If anything it’s an oversize clock that can also work as a map. Practical and useful.

‘Let’s see here: Strength: 7, Perception: 6, Endurance: 6, Charisma: 5, Intelligence: 6, Agility: 10, Luck: 3. Wow on Agility and Luck would explain most of things that have happened so far.’ I thought to myself and even though my luck was really low, I really didn’t consider myself unlucky. Just that bad things seemed to happen more often than good.

With a shrug I scrolled over towards my perks

Chaos Powered: You gain an additional 1 point to all special as long as you’re in a Chaotic area or near a Chaotic individual(Derange doesn’t count) and regenerate health at a quicker pace the more Chaotic it is.

Natural Interpreter: You seem to be able to speak any and all languages, including animals. Ain’t that a big middle finger to those that have to learn.

Draconequus Knowledge: Thanks to your Chaos magic, you know just about everything, but when and where or how long is undecided.

Random skills are random: One day your speech is 30 the next it’s 10. All skills change every opportunity it gets for either better or worse.

Say Hello to my Little Friend: Derange is you, or a part of you, allowing him to get into the fight as well, but be warned if he gets hurt you get hurt and vice versa.

‘Huh and I’m apparently only level 5…cool.’ I thought and closed up my Pip-Boy just as we arrived to the throne room.

“Here we are, Sir.” The guard said as he opened the door for me.

“Thanks guard number 13. Also you did much, much better than guard 8.” I said and went in closing the door before he could respond back. “Also give him my regards, last time I saw him he had a random seizure for unexplained reasons.”

“But my name is-” He tried to say, but I walked away and couldn’t make out what he said. What? Don’t judge me they all look the frickin same and I can’t tell them apart. Anywho I walked on over towards the Princesses, who were just sitting in their royal thrones looking all Princesscy like.

…I don’t care about how that sounds, I just got hug by the mane six, so I’m really happy right now.

“Hello, Drake you seem rather happy.” Celestia said with a friendly smile.

“Yes did Derange promise to go away or something along those lines?” Luna asked with a playful smirk.

“Not on your life sweet cheeks.” Derange said as he popped up right between them, but was quickly thrown away by both of their magic.

“Weren’t you busy?” I asked as Derange dust himself off.

“I was but then I remembered I could just bring out the newer version.” He said and with a quick snap of his fingers summoned an exact copy of the first one.

“And the difference between the two is?” I asked.

“Muffin button.”

“Muffin button?”

“Muffin button.” He said and pushed a small yellow button. In a puff of purple smoke a chocolate chip muffin came to be.

“Cake would have been better.” Celestia added in.

“I’d preferred brownies.” Luna decided to add in to our little conversation and it was the best opinion so far.

“I love you.” I said quietly, but apparently not quite enough.

“What was that Drake? I didn’t hear you?” Luna asked as she came face to face with me…personal space much.

“N-nothing at all.” I quickly spluttered out, a small blush spreading across my muzzle. “So you needed to see me/us?” I asked quickly changing the subject.

“Ah, yes it was about you traveling around Equestria and spreading…chaos.” Celestia started her voice going dangerously low. “I do not think that is such a good idea, so I’m going to have to ask you not to.”

“You do realize, that we do what we want and there nothing you can do to stop us.” Derange said hostilely.

“Well except make you wanted criminals, send an entire army of knights after you, and my personal favorite use the Elements of Harmony on you and seal you for couple thousand years.” She replied back with a smug grin.

“Well, yeah, I guess you could do that couldn’t you.” Derange said and became eerily quiet.

“But you won’t.” I said as everyone turned to look at me. My feature were calm yet held an air of authority. ‘Business mode’ is what it was dubbed back home and I often used it when business proposals went south. Most of the time it worked other times it didn’t, but hey you can’t win them all. So I never let it get to me. The only sad thing about that is the fact that I could never access it whenever I wanted to, which would have been oh so helpful during blackjack or poker night, but I digress. In other words I had a look, much like Zoolander or Fluttershy.

“Because I know you can feel it too Celestia, the change this world is going through.” I continued and gestured out the window. “We both know right now that there’s more chaos than order out there thanks to the pieces in this little ‘Chess Game’ you gods are playing. That the scale is out of wack, but that’s where I come in.” I said with a grin. “So in reality you can’t stop me. Oh no, you need me to fix it because what better way to fix chaos than with chaos itself or how the old saying goes ‘fight fire with fire’.”

“And how do we know that you’ll keep your word instead of just making things worse?” Luna asked with suspicion.

“Yes, even though I’ve shown you no reason to doubt me, I didn’t expect you to trust me off the bat.” I replied back my face remaining its professional like way. “So, I propose that you find someone to keep an eye on me a…watcher if you will. And if for any reason I show/give reason to doubt then I’ll either come back peacefully and explain why I did what I did or I’ll run and you’ll have to come and chase me, but I doubt I would just run away without a good reason though.” I said finishing up my proposal. “Well, do we have a deal?” I asked as I held out my hand.

Without missing a beat they turned to one another and from what I could tell have an internal conversation with one another. Just like all the other women I’ve ever met. Damn women and their mind reading/talking powers! After a couple of minutes, I put my hand back towards my side and patiently waited for them to be done

“After much debating we’ve agreed upon your terms Drake(Barter successful, plus 10% experience).” Luna said as she held out her hoof for me to shake, which I did.

“But we will be choosing the one to…keep an eye on you of course. I assume there won’t be any problem with that.” Celestia said and held out her hoof as well, which I shook.

“I wouldn’t have asked it to be any other way.” I said with a genuine smile, which was returned. “But if you don’t mind I’d preferred if the individual was a flyer so that way I may travel at a quicker pace.” I said and gestured towards my wings.

“We will look into that right away.” Celestia said and they were about to leave but I just had to know something before they left.

“Princesses if I may, I have a few questions I’d like to ask you.”

“Yes?” They both asked simultaneously.

“Do you know the whereabouts of any or all pieces?”

They looked at one another and…god damn it! Stop using mind speech and just whisper to one another like normal huma…pon…like normal creature of high intelligence. “I’m sorry Drake, but that is against the rules.” Celestia said with a firm nod Luna mimicking her.

‘Don’t worry Drake I got this.’ Derange said to me and pulled out a small silver tube with a red light at the top. “Excuse me Princesses, but could you do me a favor and-” He tried to say holding up the object so they could get a better look while slowly putting on some shades, but I grabbed the object and him.

“Excuse us for one moment.” I said with a nervous, but friendly smile and started to whisper to him a bit too loudly. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Uh, I was going to get us some answer dude.” He whispered back nonchalantly.

“How in the bloody pits of Tartarus were you going to get answer by erasing their memories?”

“What? No, no I was going to make them forget that they were game master or players or whatever they call themselves, and then after they answered our questions make them forget that I made them forget.” He said with a straight face. I double faced palm out of the sheer stupidity that is my alter ego.

“Ok, one.” I said as I grabbed the small device from him. “That is not how this device works and we’re not doing that to begin with.” I finished and chucked it out the window.

A small explosion could be heard followed by, “MY Cabbages! *the sound of weeping* What evil pony would do such a thing?”

“What don’t look at me like that?” I said as everyone in the room looked at me like I did something wrong.

“Great job, genius. Now we can’t get the information we want.” Derange said annoyed.

“No we still have a way.” I said to him with a mischievous grin. “A much better way.” With a wave over my right eye, I closed and reopened set eye for it to change. Instead of having the servant like eye it instead looked like a paper bird with a crimson color. “I command you to answer all my questions!” I commanded, the bird like pupil projecting out of my socket and streak towards them.

Before they could react or say anything their eyes began to glow an ominous red around their pupils. “What do you wish to know?” They asked simultaneously.

“I would like to know-” I tried to ask but Derange beat me to the punch.

“How many ponies or other creatures have you slept with?” I was going to beat the living shit out of him, but I was glad to hear or in this case not hear the princesses answer his question. “Hey what gives you’re suppose to answer our questions.”

“We refuse to answer any and all question that you ask.” Luna said with a growl.

“Wow, you two really hate him don’t you.” I said with chuckle.

“More than you can possibly imagine.” Celestia said.

“Well, that just racist.” Derange said, but was ignored.

“How many players are here now?”

“We can’t answer that.” They said at the same time. “It is against the rules.”

“Damn, ok give me a sec-Ah, Ha.” I said after a couple of seconds of thinking I found a loophole. “Ok, how many aliens have arrived here in Equis?”

“We are not sure of how many have arrived and how many more will arrive.” They answered.

“Ok, how many do you know of so far and where are they?”

“About ten or so, Griffin the Griffon is traveling towards the Gem Fido. Echo the Diamond Dog, but we are not sure as to where he’s going or at. There are others, but we are not sure who, what or where they are as of right now.”

“So basically, you got jack shit.” Derange summarized.

“In other words, yes.” Celestia said with a nod.

“Ok, well uh, that was rather pointless. Great, just great.” I said as I rubbed my eyes in annoyance.

“So,” Derange started as he leaned against the side of my head “If you’re done asking them question-”

“No”

“Bu-”

“I said, no!” I yelled at him. “You’re just going to ask them sex questions and I really don’t want to hear the answer to them.”

“AH! I feel insulted.” Derange said faking ignorance and continued. “Not ALL of my questions are perverted you know.” My response was to look at him with raised brows, the princess joining in as they bored holes through his head. “Ok, so most of them are a bit on the perverted side, but you should still give me a chance.”

“You know what go ahead ask, but I swear if it’s-”

“Relax.” He said. Clearing his throat he flew over towards the Princesses. “So who are your game pieces?” He asked. I was left dumbfounded at the sheer genius that he displayed.

“We refuse to answer that.” They replied back plainly.

“So that means you are indeed playing this ‘Chess Game’ and that you have pieces here.” He elaborated. My mind exploded at this part where he showed that he could actually think higher than at a fourth grade level. They were silent for a few moments debating whether they should/could answer the question or not. Eventually they just nodded their heads. “So how many?”

“I have one already here but she may not be very happy with me. I plan to bring a couple more, but who knows.” Luna answered.

“I have already decided on one, but I plan to bring him here just before the Gala. I might bring a couple more, but I’m not entirely sure either.” Celestia answered.

“You’re welcome.” He said as he flew back towards my shoulder while my mouth was to the roof. No, really instead of my mouth going down it went up like a…you know what just assume most of the things I do is like a cartoon. It’ll save me time and money, but mostly time. “Oh, I almost forgot.” Derange said and quickly flew back. “Tell me your most embarrassing secrets.” He said with a wicked grin.

“Yeah that’s not going to happ-” I tried to say, but Celestia just had to say something

“I refuse to tell you mine, but Luna over here mooned somepony back in flight school.” My jaw went back to say hello to his friend Mr. Ceiling while Derange broke out into a laughing fit.

“TIA! You swore you’d never tell anypony.” Luna said with a scowl on her face accompanied by a side of a red blush. “Hey Derange this one time Tia-” she tried to say, but I stopped her before anything else could be heard.

“No. Done, I’ve no more questions.” I said about to release them from my grasp when a wild thought occurred. “Say Luna if I were to hypothetically ask you on a date when I came back, what would be your answer?” I asked her…don’t judge I’m shy around females if you didn’t get that.

“Hypothetically speaking-” She said and paused for what seemed like forever. “I’d say yes.” She said and finished with a sly grin…troll.

“Ok, then.” I said and with a snap of my fingers all of our eyes returned to normal.

Celestia was the first to snap out of it and thank the gods that they didn’t remember a thing. “Sorry, Drake I seemed to have dozed off there you were saying?”

“Nothing. Just if you could make sure the pony who’s keeping an eye on me is a Pegasus that would be great. Well got to go and what not, bye.” With that me and Derange teleported back to our room. “Wait a tick.” I said as I realized something. “If we could teleport why didn’t we from the very beginning?” I asked my counterpart.

“Cause the author’s forgetful.” Was his response. Before I could question what he was talking about he asked, “So did you figure out who we’re traveling with?”

“Actually, yes I believe so. In hindsight I should have thought of them in the beginning, but I need to talk to someone else regardless if they are being used or not.” I told Derange with a serious look.

“Who?”

“Gilda.”

“Why?”

“From what I got so far--from the princesses and rumors here and there-- Gilda may or may not have been a slave or she was at least familiar with them and I want to hear her opinion on it.”

“Bullshit you just want to see if she’s a total bitch and ask why she made Fluttershy cry.” He deadpanned.

“That and ask for her opinion.” I replied back with a shrug. I keep on forgetting that I can’t really lie to him since he is me. A couple of seconds later a flash of light filled our room, but it wasn’t the only thing. “What the hell is a bed doing in my…room?” I questioned, but then noticed there were two ponies on set bed doing…by the gods are they…and are they both stallions!

The first pony I saw was an Earth pony stallion with a dark green coat the other that was laying down was a unicorn stallion with a light blue coat. I’d have gone into detail, but I wasn’t really inclined to watch them have se…you know what to keep this in a teen rating I’m just going to say they were wrestling…and being very loud about it.

“Neat.” Derange said as he brought out a video camera and began recording.

“Dude! What the buck man!” I said as I reached for the camera, but he simply dodge and kept recording. “Derange give me that god damn camera!” I screamed at him, but not loud enough for our…guest to hear.

“Dude, just shut up and let me record this. And we’ll be rich in no time.” He said with a creepy smile.

‘Damit, am I as fast and flexible as he is? Ah, no time. Come on brain think of something.’ I thought to myself then like a slap across the face it came to me and I face palmed. “Of course, it’s so obvious.” I said and grabbed the teleporter device. With a push of a button I sent them back to wherever it is they came...Celestia damit!

“Awww. What the hell man?” Derange whined as he turned the camera off. “And I was already working out names I was thinking Jungle Fevo-” He tried to say but I stopped him.

“Ok one: no, that’s a terrible name and you should feel bad. Two: how were you going to mass produce these?”

“Well, I was thinking internet and DVD. Hell maybe go ballsy and put it on blu-ray.”

“Yeah about that, they don’t have internet or DVDs or VHS even. Hell they don’t even have the technology for TV or internet.” I told him poking a hole into his little scheme.

“Um, well.” He stuttered, but regain his composure. “It’s simple we’ll just invent the internet and sale it to all the lonely stallions in the world. Then we’ll make mares gone wild series, gather a shit ton of money, buy a small island, and retire. Also, yes, we can bring Luna if you want.” He said with an insane smile.

“….Your crazy and that’s not going to work.” I said shaking my head in disbelief.

(Insert Pokémon music) “You’re kidding me righ-”

I want to be the very best

Like no one ever was

To film it is my real test

To sell it is my cause

I’ll travel across the land

Filming far and wide

These pornos I created

The power that’s inside

Porno, it’s you and me

I know it’s my destiny

Porno, oh, you’re my only friend

In a world that we must offended

Porno! It’s you and me

I know it is my life journey

Porno! You please me and I’ll...

“Shit couldn’t think of anything I’ll get back to you on it.” Derange said as he stopped his dance routine which wasn’t that bad actually.

“No, no it’s quite all right.” I said with a nervous grin. “Let’s just finally bring the team here.” I said and pressed a few more buttons. A second later the room was filled with a bright light.