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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh boy. Here we go
Fuck all kinds of duck. Yang is screwed, no other way to put it.
.....Ah Fk, Tirek Again...
Pretty Impressive for our timid-friend (I'm not referring Fluttershy...) to go through that and succeed.
What will happen next?
hello, can I talk to you about our lord and saver Opal
she's one my neck and won't let me up send help before sh-
... Well, they're half right about it landing in the Everfree. But it sure as Hell didn't stay there.
7671769 Are you sure about that?
7671817 You may tell me about our Lord and Savior Opal, but only if you let me tell you about The Mighty Glow Cloud and why we must praise it. ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD.
Water heaters! Big tanks that heat the water up, before sending it through the pipes. Massive under complication, but good enough for a basic explanation.
I don't mean to sound rude, but how is a ten pound ball going to help someone escape? I doubt there's enough magic in an enchanted ball to allow Tirek to escape, and since Aura is a person's soul, even a small amount of residual aura on the ball shouldn't be edible to Tirek.
Then again, maybe I'm just nitpicking.
7672205
Oh shit Yang's got to fight that evil guy well she's got a big fight on her hands.
7672206 Not everyone knows about water heaters, regular or tankless. Crazy, I know, but there are people out there like that.
7673031 I didn't mean for it to be smart aleky. I can see why it came across that way thpugh. Sorry.
7673031 While I've caught it and can reply directly, you've got a minor typo in this chapter, where you say "the" twice in a row.
Ah well. Everyone's entitled to at least one minor mistake per chapter. Pretty good chapter too. I'm eager to see where it goes.
7674260 The error has been corrected.
7695736 Wut?
7672206 ya an if you watch dragon ball z how does a little more than half dead friends gives someone enough power to beat someone that is constantly gaining power
7700011 That's the power of friendship and companionship, completely different.
I am thoroughly enjoying this, better yet I haven't found a good RWBY fic that I like so yay I got that!
7710032 Thanks. While you're waiting for I Burn's next chapters, I recommend looking at Sunset Huntress. It's another MLP/RWBY fic. I've even written a few parts of it myself, like a fight between four characters at once. That was fun to write.
7710860 with a recommendation like that, i'll have to take a look.
I don't know how to say this in a way I haven't before, but here goes.
Your OC is unlikable. When you write a story, one of the goals is to make the characters interesting/likable enough that readers are going to care. So far, this chump is just another clone of what we've seen in this "genre". No personality or redeemable traits.
Your setup. This guy shows up at a convention with (presumably) hundreds of other chumps in attendance, but is amazingly the only one to magically get sent to Magic Talking Pony Land with Awesome Cool powers. This kind of arbitrary plot with no explanation or reasonable setup is just, bad from a writing standpoint and helps kill any reader suspension left limping from the beginning.
Show, Don't Tell. Unless you're emulating Stephanie Meyer, it's recommended by every writer, English teacher, editor, proofreader, beta reader, writing teacher, reviewer, and academic that this rule is adhered to. Again, immersion is somewhat desired in fiction.
The dialogue just felt forced. Subjective, but yeah.
Ma'am, I almost wish I could take my down-vote back. Going by everything else here, it's pretty bad. But by it's genre, I couldn't find anything to set it apart. Wish I had advice on how to make this an enjoyable read, but barring a complete shredding, I just don't know.
7738354 I'd say one thing that sets Yang apart from other Displaced characters is that she was not the one meant to be sent to Equestria, and from what other Displaced fics I've read, is one of the few not inclined to fighting (for now).
Speaking of Displaced fics, how many of them have you read? Someone at a convention getting sent to Equestria as someone or something else is not new. I'm not the first to use the idea, and I certainly won't be the last.
I try to show and not tell, but at the same time, I don't want to drag a scene out for too long. I'm sure you'd understand how difficult that can be if you actually wrote a story, and as far as I know, you haven't. I can't even read the one blog post you've posted in your nearly 3 years here.
Forced dialogue? Well, I do agree that there's one Pinkie bit that was kind of shoehorned in, but where is the dialogue forced?
And lastly, I can't help but wonder if you've posted this comment on the most recent chapters of other Displaced fics. It looks and sounds well written and thought out, but you didn't provide any examples or references from the text you're commenting on. You could post the exact same thing on, say, SPD Emergency, Monkey Business, or A Golden Drive Through Equestria, and it could apply all the same.
I invite you to take another shot at criticising I Burn. I only hope you can back up what you claim with examples from the fic itself. Tell me just where I'm going wrong, without your bias against Displaced fics (claim made based on some of your faved fics here).
7740669 Ah yes, the old "well you haven't written" spiel. Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I don't write for this fandom? It's a crazy idea, but trust me. It happens.
Now for your other gripes.
"I also noticed that my whole body felt strange. It still felt human..." (Chapter 2). Do you read your work back to yourself? Just to see how it sounds? That was one example.
"...the thumb and middle finger clearing the sleep stuff with ease as I brought them together at the bridge of my nose. Once they were cleared, opening my eyes was a lot easier..."
Completely unnecessary passage. Never mind disregarding Show, Don't Tell, this also does away with Less is More.
7744654 Yang's first fight does follow a bit of a script. If you can figure out what it's based on, 5 internets* will be yours if you get it.
*redeemable absolutely nowhere
7744701 Ah I see, the stylistic differences.
7744808 I like this idea. I'll copy and paste it into a Gdoc for possible use later on.
Discord does make sense when he did that.
8635176
Well tirek cant touch the bars but he can use the ball
Smashy Smashy
8635176
Enchanted ball +eating magic =i'm out
7738354
7741022
Wow... I'd say someone has its panties on a bunch, but those ar so deep inside they ain't visible no more
You left out sheep
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=my+little+pony+sisterhooves+social+sheep&&view=detail&mid=B5820F71F65C757CE053B5820F71F65C757CE053&&FORM=VRDGAR
+ maybe goats (Iron Will uses them as assistants, but they aren't shown talking)
Dihydrogen Monoxide. You, my friend, are now my favorite person.
10125507 Why, thank you very much.