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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Pretty good for your first, much better than many firsts I've seen. I couldn't help but laugh at the boob play As they sounded almost too experienced for adults, and I could imagine that Octavia would know more about sex seeing as it's mentioned she's been with stallions before, I mean, unless their sex was extremely puritin (no oral or anything) bit that's just a nit pick.
Something I notices is that you are very dialogue and story heavy in this chapter (that's not a bad thing at all! It just means it might not be essentially hard core clop, just an adult chapter, as there is much more character than sex, which is good, because I want to read the bonding and sexual exploration of characters, not strangers, that I can get from porn hub lol.
Overall? 9/10, work on consistency and narrative and you'll be golden.
Side note: For future reference, try to tone down the vocabulary a bit for some characters, not because I visualize any character as dumb or people not fully understand, it's just everyone speaks almost too... poetically. It comes off as other worldly almost.
These notes are for the fix as a whole thus far. :)