10: The Ponyville Gala
Chapter Ten
The Ponyville Gala
I was stirred from my slumber by a sudden shift in the world about me, a distinct feeling that all was not as it should be. Blindly, I groped for Joy's sleeping form, intending to hold her close and drift off to sleep again, but this was not to be. My hooves searched in vain, finding no mare to embrace. My eyes fluttered open as my heart sped up to a breakneck pace only to confirm what my hooves had discovered: Joy was not there anymore. I bolted upright as a surge of adrenaline flooded my system, and time seemed to slow to a crawl as every synapse fired in perfect harmony. I was graced by perfect clarity as I saw and understood everything around me, hypersensitive to the smallest stimuli. It was in this state of elevated consciousness and clarity that I facehoofed, a truly amazing experience. Being able to discern every ripple of the shockwave as it propagated through my skull was an interesting sensation, to say the least.
Upstairs, a toilet flushed and a shower started up. Yes, Joy was in the shower. The wave of adrenaline broke and ebbed, taking my heightened sensations with it. Unfortunately, it also took away my super-pony resistance to pain, and it dawned on me that facehoofing while cracked out on adrenaline might just be detrimental to your health. I gingerly rubbed the spot, and I could already feel the lump forming. Good thing this was under my mane… I really wasn't looking forward to explaining that one to Joy. In the wake of the adrenaline, I was wide awake, and there was no chance at all that I’d be going back to sleep anytime soon. I stretched lavishly, feeling joints and tendons pop in a most satisfying manner. Sighing contentedly, I made my way to the shower to wash the grime of the previous day from my coat.
By the time I had emerged from the shower, the sounds from upstairs had ceased, a racket from the kitchen rising up in their stead. I had done little more than open the door to the bathroom when I found myself enveloped in a swirling miasma of scent, one which chased all conscious thought from my mind and lulled me into a dream-like state.
The world around me became fuzzy as the walls slowly moved past me. My vision was tinted pink by the intoxicating aroma, and I had the distinct sensation of… floating. It was really peaceful, and I found that I could almost see the trail of scent in the air, like a pink ribbon fluttering in the wind. I closed my eyes in ecstasy, allowing myself to simply drift away in the throes of rapturous bliss as I followed the smell.
My world flared crimson in a starburst of pain, my nose seeming to be the point of origin. I dropped a short distance before my hooves buckled under me. I grabbed my nose and tried to rub the pain away, noting with a certain relief that my nose wasn’t bleeding. I finally regained my senses a bit, and took note of a few things that didn’t seem to make sense. First, why in the hell was I sitting mere centimeters away from a wall? Why did it seem like I had dropped before my hooves hit the floor? And finally, why was there a drool stain on the wall a half meter from the ceiling? I heard Joy’s muffled voice echo around the corner, asking me if I needed a defibrillation. I responded to the negative, though having a pair of hooves affixed over my snout distorted my reply somewhat.
I stood up and tried to figure out just what the hell had happened since I had opened the bathroom door. Even when I was standing, the drool spot on the wall was still a head higher than I was, despite my efforts to stretch my neck out that far. It was only by rearing up on my back hooves that I could bring myself level with the spot, and I was certain that I hadn’t walked from the bathroom like that. Come to think of it, I don’t remember walking at all… it was more like I was… floating… no. No, that’s not possible. As if to further discount my incredulity, my wings gave a slight twitch. Looking back at them, I was a bit embarrassed and intrigued by the sight I beheld. My wings were almost fully extended behind me and pointing skyward, save for the last half meter or so; this last portion of the wing was angled perpendicular to the rest of the wing, pointing to either side. Even as I craned my neck to look at them, they gave a slight flutter and I felt my front hooves lift off the ground slightly.
Yet again, the world cascaded into a slow motion ballet as my adrenal gland once more flooded my system with go-juice. There is no way these wings work. It hasn’t been three weeks yet. And yet… there they were. I felt the muscles in my back and chest ripple in a surprisingly familiar way, causing my wingtips to flutter once more. I felt each and every feather as it scooped the air below it and pushed it out of the way. I felt the single instant of slack as my tendons and joints pulled taut, followed by the feeling of my forehooves coming off the ground again. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, I have something to say: This feeling of flight, this one right here… it is better than intercourse. There is just… there’s no way to describe it adequately. The feeling of your body realizing its purpose, accomplishing the task it was created to perform… bliss.
The movement in my wings ceased, and I drifted back down to the floor, once more a slave to gravity. That was intense in a way I had never experienced before. The grin on my face would likely become permanent, but this was immaterial. I had flown, dammit… floated, fluttered, whatever you wanted to call it… I had momentarily become emancipated from the tyrannical grasp of gravity, if only for a moment. Man, I couldn’t wait to tell Joy. Stumbling over my own hooves in the wake of the adrenaline surge, I clumsily strode into the kitchen and addressed Joy, though perhaps with a bit too much vigor. That is to say, I did a nifty little combat roll into the kitchen and landed on my back, hooves splayed wide.
“Hey Joy! I flew!”
“You flew? So that’s what that thump was.”
“Yeah, it was awesome. The flying, not the crash. I thought you said it would be three weeks?”
“Yes, three weeks till you can fly normally again. Though I suspect that ‘normal’ doesn’t really apply to you in any way, shape, or form.” she retorted with a smile.
“So I can fly now? Awesome!” I was grinning from ear to ear
“No, you can’t. Calm down for a second and pay attention. Also, get off the floor so we can have some breakfast.”
Trying my best to comply, I spasmed myself to my hooves and hastily took my seat, hardly noticing the plate in front of me until the scent rising off of it reached up and smacked me across the face. Once more, I was in danger of being lost to the pink mist of tasty smells. A chuckling sound managed to drive the fog back ever so slightly, allowing me to think for a second. As I applied my ample brainpower (I almost thought that with a straight face) to solving the conundrum that faced me, it became clear what it was that Joy was giggling at… my wings were fully extended behind me, spread to the fullest extent possible. Well… this was becoming awkward. I was quietly blushing and willing my wings to stow themselves, all while being taunted by this haunting scent. Joy took a moment to weigh in on my current state, kind mare that she is.
“Dave… I know you like food, but this… this is a bit excessive, no?”
I blushed about three shades darker at this. Clearing my throat, I piped up in my own defense.
“Hey… I can’t control these things, you know that. I can’t help it that whatever you cooked smells diabolically tasty.”
“Well, now there’s a turn of phrase. ‘Diabolically tasty’, huh? There’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one.”
“Stop calling me names, meanie. But seriously though, what in Equestria smells so amazing?”
“Look down, and you tell me.”
I was about to reply with a smart aleck remark of some form or another when my thoughts centered around the concoction in front of me. It was a slice of French toast in the shape of a heart, (insert d’aww here) though it was a most vibrant shade of pink… not unlike the mane of a certain mare that lives ‘round these parts. The color was so vivid it was nearly spellbinding, and the smell was enticing to the point that it was nearly hypnotic. It was so very enticing, so delicious looking… too delicious looking. I stared at the steam that slowly rose from it for a second, and what I saw put a lump of ice in my stomach.
The steam rose in slender, curling wraiths, though they each formed a shape that was all too familiar: each wisp of stream contorted into the shape of a heart as it rose. I cleared my throat, suddenly weary with dread, and I asked a question to which I feared an answer.
“J-Joy? There-there’s not any… any love potions or anything in this, is there?”
Joy’s reaction instantly made me feel ashamed and foolish for even asking. Her voice had a hard edge on it as she responded.
“No, Dave. There are no love potions in there; it was just made with love is all. Good to know you wouldn’t put it past me, though.”
Aaaannndd… fuck me. What should I do? Deny that I was suspicious? Too late for that… try and lie, say it was a joke? Nope, she’d see through that in a second. Act indignant? That’s just stupid… You know what? Fuck it. Here goes the truth.
“I didn’t mean to insult you, love. It’s just that it seemed too amazing to be real, too incredible to be natural. Honestly, I didn’t know that ‘love’ was even a real ingredient. I saw the hearts in the steam, and I panicked. To tell the truth, I was a bit worried you thought I wasn’t… I dunno, in love enough, and were taking things into your own hooves. I know, I’m a terrible pony for doubting you, and I’m sorry for that. I’m just not used to… well, to trusting.”
Joy sat in silence for a moment as she let everything I said sink in. Her expression softened, and I took this as a good sign in the meantime. She sighed deeply, took another breath, and then spoke up.
“Well. That poses a bit of a problem, Dave, now doesn’t it?”
I sighed and hung my head in silence.
“Yes, I thought you’d agree. I know you’ve been hurt in the past, Dave. I knew this even without you telling me, I can see it in your eyes. It makes sense that you wouldn’t be as quick to trust because of this, so I forgive you for that. I know what it’s like to be hurt, and I can’t blame you for being cautious. I guess I can even see why you might think what you did about me, crazy as it is. Are you ready? This is where it gets crazy, so try and pay attention Dave. You said you’d show me what love is meant to be like, and I trust you. Because I trust you, I wouldn’t do anything to rush your plan or hurry things along. I feel like that wouldn’t be fair to you. So here’s the crazy part: trust me. I know, I remember what you said. And I’m not demanding, I’m asking… I want you to trust me not to do something like that. Can you try to do that, for me?”
Speechless. Simply speechless. What had I ever done to deserve such a mare? Not only had she accepted my egregious insult, but she had rationalized it. She understood what it was that I had meant, and the reason I said what I did, and accepted this flaw of mine in stride. This… this is love. She had put aside her own hurt feelings to think about what I said logically. In an instant, I was out of my chair and around the table, holding her in a smothering embrace. She was initially tense at my sudden movement, but after a moment passed and she deduced that she was in no immediate danger, she returned my embrace with vigor. I became aware of a strange sound, and as I focused on it, I discovered that it was my voice. Unbeknownst to me, I had been muttering a single phrase over and over again…
“I promise.”
We embraced until long after the food had gone cold, though Joy minded far less than I. I was rather upset that the breakfast that she had made for me with love (still not entirely convinced this is a legitimate ingredient) was going uneaten. My disquiet was more than compensated for by the fact that she was holding me close with every bit as much force as I held her, as she lightly nuzzled my chest. I was still the most terrible pony that had ever existed for even doubting her, but if she loved me regardless… there was hope for redemption.
At some point we broke apart and ate the meal Joy had prepared, and I was truly sorry that I hadn't had a chance to try it when it was warm… it was as if Berry's secret ingredient had somehow been distilled and injected into the French toast. It was simply magical. Casting a glance at my watch, I saw that it was already a quarter to ten. My, how time flies… in a manner that perfectly fit my normal attention to detail, I had forgotten to ask what time we needed to be at the celebration. I queried Joy on this, and at first she just smiled in a faraway manner. Once she realized I was serious however, she burst out laughing like it was going out of style.
Once she wore herself out, she wiped a tear from her eye and kindly filled in the blanks in my knowledge.
“Dave, I swear… you’d be lost without me.”
I nodded in agreement. “Yeah, you’re tellin’ me.”
“Yeah… anyways, the banquet doesn’t begin until noon, though we might want to get there a little bit sooner.”
“So, eleven thirty then?”
Now it was her turn to nod. “Sounds good. But really Dave… how did you not find out when this was happening by now?”
I merely shrugged, eliciting a sigh from Joy. As I tried to contemplate the upcoming day, I happened to recall that my fancy suit was still at Rarity’s.
“Joy?”
Her response was instant. “What’d you break?”
I was entirely caught off guard by this, and I found my mind sort of stumbling at this. “I- … nothing, I haven’t broken anything yet. I was just going to-“
“Yet? Well, at least you admit that you most likely will break something sooner or later. Going to what now?”
“Uhhh… oh, right. Yeah, I have to drop by the boutique to pick up my duds for the shindig at the place.”
“Oh, you mean the thing at the place? With all of the ponies? The one that’s being held because of that one thing that other pony did the other day?”
“Yep, that’s the one. I have to get my fancy clothes for it from Rarity. You want to come with me?”
She cocked an eyebrow. “On an epic adventure of magic and mystery?”
“Suuuuree. I’ll be going to Rarity’s, you can call it what you want. So, you’re coming then?”
She put a hoof to her chest in mock indignation. “I most certainly am not; a lady never speaks about such things in public, and a gentlecolt never asks.”
It was too early for these shenanigans; I was not awake enough to mentally spar with Joy yet. “I… what? Erm… know what? Never mind. I’ll be back in twenty mikes or so.”
“Twenty mikes? Twenty minutes?”
I nodded an affirmation. “Roger. Now you’re tracking, Joy. I’ll see you when I return, love.”
At this, she perked up, looking confused. “Wait, am I not going with you?”
“But I already- … If you wish to accompany me, you are most welcome to, Lady Joy.”
She shook her head, smiling devilishly. “Nah, I’ve got to tidy up around here. Have fun!”
And just like that, my head was spinning, Joy was chuckling, and everything was back to normal in the world. Ow, my head… I shook my head to dislodge the gremlins living within it before I set off to the boutique. When I arrived at said boutique, my knocks were answered by Sweetie Belle, who kindly told me that Rarity was not in until this evening. Once I mentioned my name, her little eyes lit up like jewels and she disappeared into the back. She vanished so quickly that I had an after-image of her beaming smile and her twinkling eyes floating in front of me, like a ghostly Cheshire cat. Only a moment later she had returned, holding a rather large bundle. The bundle was neatly wrapped with brown paper and tied with a single piece of twine, and my name had been penned on the top of it with a script so elegant it could belong to none other than Rarity.
I accepted the parcel and set off towards home at a light trot. The moment I opened the door, I was assaulted by the nearly overpowering scent of lemony freshness. Choking, sputtering, and coughing, I navigated my way to the living room and opened up a window to let in some fresh air. I heard steps approaching from behind me, and when I turned around, my mind went entirely blank, save for two words.
Darth. Vader.
I had no idea where or why Joy would have gotten a respirator that looked so very much like Darth Vader’s helmet, but I knew that I wanted one quite badly. Except for the fact that Darth was not a quadruped, blue, or a mare, the resemblance was uncanny. It even made the *ksshhh-whoosh* noise with the inhale and exhale. Still sputtering slightly from the fumes, I tried to explain to Joy what exactly it was about her appearance that I found so hilarious, but the fumes were really doing a number on my already poor speech capabilities and rational thought process.
“Joy… where did you get the house? And why does the mask smell so lemony?”
Joy cocked her head at this for a second before speaking up.
*Ksshhh* “Dave, I think you need some fresh air.” *Whoosh*
Hehehe. Silly Darth. Where’s Luke?
“Nah, fine I am. From now on, speak like this, I will.”
Joy’s expression went flat in an unamused stare, which is quite a feat when wearing a respirator. Her horn began to emanate a blue glow, and I felt myself floating.
“The force is strong with this one. Focus, you must.”
Yeah, even I began to realize how loopy I was, but that only served to encourage me further.
“Yes, YES… let the love flow through you. Come to the d’aww side.”
Joy merely rolled her eyes at my extra layer of strange before dropping me roughly on the stoop and closing the door. Well… that wasn’t very nice. As the sun beat down upon me and the fog cleared from my mind, I couldn’t help but facehoof. I might have forgotten about the lump from earlier, but I sure as hell remembered it now.
Sonofa… why? Why would I do this to myself? Someday, I’d learn. In the meantime, I had a few moments to enjoy the simple pleasant silence around me.
Sitting in the sun with my eyes closed, I just listened to the sound of the wind through the grass; the faraway chirping of the birds… everything was so incredibly peaceful. The sun warmed my coat everywhere it touched, a gentle heat radiating throughout my body. The wind carried a faint smell of bread from the bakery downtown, gently tousling the grass with the faintest hint of a whisper as it danced through the blades. Above me to my right, a pair of birds sang to themselves and one another, their gentle chirping oddly melodious.
Behind me, I heard the door open slowly. I took a moment to be thankful that it wasn’t slammed open or something similarly violent or disruptive… it would have shattered the mellow feelings I now harbored. I took a deep breath, soaking in the sun for a second longer before I stood and turned towards the door. Joy was standing in the doorway, looking at me with a calculating expression. After a brief instant of silence, she spoke up.
"Hey, about time you came back. Guess it's partly my fault, though. I should've warned you about the fumes ahead of time. Are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah, I was just out here enjoying the sounds of nature, strange as it might seem. I tell you, there are few sounds more relaxing than that of the wind through the trees."
She smiled tenderly, nodding. "I know exactly what you mean, actually. I used to sit in the meadows outside of town and listen to the birds singing for hours when I was a filly."
"Huh. Hard to imagine a filly sitting still for that long. Anyways, is the house safe again? I have a strange memory of speaking in tongues."
"Yep, it should be fine now."
"Good, good. Hey Joy? I'm going to need your help getting dressed for the gala… thing. What is it actually called, anyways?"
She shot me a sly look as she spoke. "What, can’t manage on your own? And the event was on the board as 'The Ponyville Gala, in honor of heroic action', but I think it's easier to just call it the 'Ponyville Gala', or simply 'The Gala'."
"Ah, makes sense. And no, I can manage on my own… I would just feel better if I had the fine motor skills afforded to you by that cheating unicorn magic of yours instead of my own club-like appendages."
"Whoa. Dave, you do realize that you have… horn envy… from a mare? Goodness me. If I hadn't been poked in the back with it already, I might say you were compensating."
I felt a blush beginning to burn on my cheeks. "H-hey! I do not have horn envy. I simply think that you would be more capable of assisting me with putting on my fancy attire without getting hoofprints on it." Which was a total lie, by the way. I want one of those cheating unicorn horns.
"Fair enough, I guess. You want to do that now? It's nearly eleven."
I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess now's as good a time as any."
And with that, we set off to the living room. Once I laid out my outfit for the event and explained the order in which it was to be fitted (as per Rarity's instructions), Joy used some of that damnable cheating unicorn magic to adorn me in my dapper attire before I knew east from south. In a flash of blue, everything was aligned and attached in its proper place, and in nearly as neat a manner as Rarity herself had managed. I pretty much was counting on the fact that I'd run into the designer before the gala actually kicked off, so I'd have the chance to get perfectly squared away before I went on stage in front of so many ponies. Once Joy had finished helping me dress myself, she explained that she had to get herself ready for the Gala and set off up the stairs.
I waited downstairs for what seemed like an eternity, sitting as still as I could manage so that I didn't unduly ruffle my suit. Mostly, this consisted of me simply flexing my wings in an attempt to further perfect my fine motor skills. I would wiggle a single primary flight feather at a time from one to the next in a cascading pattern, and finally in a random one, forcing myself to exercise utmost control and concentration to do it right. So focused was I with twirling a stick between my feathers, I never heard Joy come down the stairs. As a matter of fact, she probably could have walked right out the door and I'd have been none the wiser. In lieu of that though, she decided to trail a hoof down my neck, very slowly, and very tenderly.
I froze in my tracks, so to speak, paralyzed by the shiver racing up and down my spine. The stick was sent clattering to the floor by my sudden cessation of movement. My paralysis was broken by an involuntary shiver that originated at the tips of my ears and made its way to the bottom of my hooves. Joy found this quite humorous, trying at least four more times to get me to do it again before she gave up. I turned towards the door and gestured at Joy, who responded with a nod. And just like that, we were off to the Ponyville Gala. Meandering through the streets, we passed a few ponies, most of whom passed with a nod or a wave. A few seemed far too busy or in too much of a rush to notice anything around them, and it was one of these ponies that almost trampled Joy and I.
As the two of us were engaged in conversation, peacefully minding our own business, I had a split-second’s warning before I was shoulder checked by a brownish mountain of pony. In the fraction of a moment before contact, I braced myself for the impending impact. In a past life, my mates and I would run into each other in a similar fashion for some stupid reason or another, so the act of steeling myself for the collision was muscle memory. The mountain of pony was too busy looking at the ground and muttering to himself to notice the two ponies he was about to barrel into, at least until he ran into my unmoving form. His shoulder met mine with a meaty thud. I had time to brace for the impact and was prepared for the jolt, but the brown stallion wasn’t so lucky and was very nearly sent sprawling. I barely budged, but he had to sake several steps to steady himself, nearly taking out a few bystanders in the process.
I immediately regretted my actions and felt like an ass. Why couldn't I have just stepped to the side and let him pass? I figured I owed him an apology, even though he really should have been watching where he was going.
"Pardon me."
The stallion, having finally regained his senses after the collision, spoke up.
"Watch where you're going, feather brain!"
"Actually, I was standing still. You ran into me. Pretty sure that makes it your fault."
I went from feeling like an ass to being an ass in an instant, and I didn't feel nearly as bad about this as I should have. Personally, I blame this on years of practice doing just this (being an ass) as a human. I was going to apologize, but it was his fault, after all. That, and he was also being an ass.
Two could play this game. I could see the storm brewing in his eyes, and I mentally prepared myself for a verbal slugging match. Fortunately, Joy's un-amused glare headed off any further remarks on my part, and without another word I stepped around the now-sputtering stallion. As we walked away, I could hear a slew of insults and curses being flung in my direction. Honestly, I'd heard far worse from my own family, and I was just about to shrug the whole thing off when his last ditch insult struck a nerve in me.
"Yeah, take that bitch and get out of here."
I froze mid-step. Was… was that directed at me, or was I going to have to hurt somepony?
"You heard me, bird-brain. Take your bitch and get out of here."
So, I was going to have to hurt somepony.
I slowly turned around and leveled a glare at this pony, a glare that could curdle milk. One more chance… I'll give him one more chance.
"I seem to have misheard you, buddy. It almost seemed for a moment that you had insulted my marefriend. I hope very much that you have more sense than that, or have the sense to apologize for it now. Otherwise… well, it's going to be a bad day for you."
"Is that so? What, the chicken doesn’t like hearing his mare called a bit--"
Before he had finished the word, I was on him. With a slight hop and a single beat of my wings, I had closed the five or so meters between us in a flash, driving the first joint of my right wing into his sternum to illustrate my displeasure. His breath left him in a single *whoosh*, silencing his retort. I leaned in close, growling in his ear with all the malice I could manage.
"Look here, you waste of flesh; I know your face, your mark. If I ever hear you insult a mare again, I'll knock the taste out of your mouth. And if you ever insult MY marefriend again, I'll break every one of your legs… one… by… one. Got it?"
He nodded as vigorously as he could while holding a hoof to his chest and gasping for breath. His eyes were wide with fear and watering from the pain, and I was hoping for all I was worth that he wouldn't call my bluff. I hadn’t hit him very hard, but the impact had rattled me through and through. Yeah, my wing was going to be sore in the morning. Now, I rather dislike violence, but there are certain things I cannot, will not stand for. Insulting a lady, let alone one as wonderful as Joy, was one of them. I wasn't even sure I was capable of inflicting lasting injury on another living, sentient being, save for in self defense, but he didn’t need to know that. All I really wanted was to make a point, and strike a little fear into this cocky jerk.
Turning, I sauntered back to Joy's side, my face still contorted into a mask of rage and indignation. Hopefully, this would hide my grimace at the pain in my wing. Man, I really failed to think that one through. Once Joy fell into step beside me, I let the expression fall off of my face, my best attempt at an easy grin taking its place. I could feel myself being stared at, and I decided it might behoove me to explain myself.
"Before you say it, yes. I handled the situation terribly from the start… I should have stepped to the side, but I just reacted out of instinct. In spite of the fact that this was all my fault, I wasn't just about to let him insult you like that. He can say what he wants about me, I don't care. Half of it is probably true, anyways. But I couldn’t stand back and do nothing when he insulted you. I just figured I'd scare him a bit, hopefully make him think twice before insulting a mare again."
I was really hoping she wouldn’t call me on the blow to the sternum… that… well, that was out of spite. I know, I’m a terrible pony for acting on base urges like that. Sue me.
"Dave… you're right. You handled that terribly, and you are the one who caused it. At the same time, you were both really scary… really scary… and also, really… hot. Seeing you deal with that jerk like that, it… it was like something out of one of my stories. 'The brave knight defends the maiden's honor', so on and so forth. But yeah… I blame you for the whole scene in the first place, and you know it's your fault. On the other hoof, the way you stood up for me was really sweet. But don't do it again, m'kay?"
"Uhhh… Yes, dear?" I shot her a small smile.
"Good. Now, today is a special day… let's try and enjoy it, alright?"
My smile widened to match hers. "Heck, it would take a lot more than that guy to ruin a day with you. So, what are some things that I should be on the lookout for today? What should I expect?"
"Well, mostly speeches and food. Not necessarily in that order. But be prepared, you might be called on for a speech… the Mayor loves to put ponies on the spot like that."
Crap. "Huh. Okay, I think I can manage that. Anything else?"
"Try not to embarrass yourself when you eat. That's about it, really."
I smiled at her reassuringly. "I'll do my best, love."
My reply was met by a sudden peck on the cheek, drawing a deepening blush from me, along with a look of confusion. Joy just looked at me with a coy smile.
"What? I like it when you call me these little pet names. I find it… adorable."
"You're a strange mare. I like it."
Joy stuck her tongue out at me, and I once again found myself lamenting my lack of cheating unicorn magics. What I wouldn’t give to repay some of the hell that I'd received… instead, I did the next best thing I could. I stuck out my tongue and licked hers. Okay, granted… that isn't that much different from a kiss. That is not the point! The point was, I was doing everything in my (very limited) power to repay the torment visited upon me. With any luck, I was still spicy from the other day. No such luck was to be mine, and Joy just sort of looked at me funny for a second before giving me another kiss and a smile. Meh, I could handle failure as long as it was always this cute.
As we came round a final corner, we stepped into the bedlam. The area we had been in last night as we watched Octavia perform was now overrun with scores of ponies. I stood in shock for a moment… I had no idea there were so many ponies in Ponyville. Really… where did they all come from? I took a moment to ponder this as I allowed myself to be led through the maze of tables, chairs, and ponies towards the stage. Directly in front of the stage was the same table that Joy and I had sat at for our private concert the night prior. In the light of the late morning sun, the decorations shone brilliantly. The color scheme was a simple silver and gold palate, and overall the entire setting was rather minimalist. Far from looking cheap or sparse, as some minimalist designs are prone to do, this decoration job simply spoke of a quiet elegance. Joy tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention before indicating that we should mingle with the guests.
Mingling and I aren't very good friends. As a matter of fact, we aren't even on speaking terms. But if Joy insisted that we need to walk around and socialize… I'd do my best, anyways. Working my way through the crowd, I spotted a familiar splotch of lavender and made a beeline towards it.
Twilight seemed even more relieved than I was at finding a familiar face in the crowd, and she greeted me with a warm smile and her best attempts at small talk. My attempts to guide the conversation onto a topic she was more comfortable with backfired terribly, and I was soon overrun by a slew of technical jargon that might as well have been another language. Keep in mind, I was a part of the army so acronyms and the like are nothing new to me. Despite this, I was soon hopelessly lost in the torrent of fancy words pouring forth from the mare. I tried desperately to follow along, but in spite of my best efforts even Twilight could tell I was hopelessly lost. Once we steered the conversation back onto a track that I'm pretty sure was in English (or whatever language it was that I was accustomed to speaking), I managed to divine that the rest of the mane six would be at the Gala as well.
Just like that, my day was twenty percent cooler. And as if responding to a mental cue from me, the sky overhead was suddenly rent asunder in the wake of a flash of cyan and colors besides. Having apparently satisfied her need for a practical joke with a high-speed-low-altitude pass over the congregation of ponies, Dash arced skywards in a sharp bank before slowly corkscrewing to the ground, a move that earned equal amounts of applause and grumbling. I excitedly gesticulated in the direction of my idol, hoping to communicate my desire to meet this living legend to my lavender companion. Twi seemed to grasp the concept and began to thread her way through the crowd behind me. Bursting through the circular clearing Dash had made with her entrance, I rapidly approached the pegasus, a slightly maniacal grin painted upon my face.
Dash seemed a bit creeped out by my zeal, but she still hoof-bumped my outstretched hoof.
My life is now complete.
As my mind fogged up in the wake of the awesome which I was just party to, I almost missed what came next. Dash seemed to recognize me as the new pony in town while simultaneously connecting this fact to the Gala at which she was now an attendee.
"Ohmygosh! You're Dave, aren't you?"
"Huh? Yeah, that's me… "
Dash swept me up in a hug, and I was speechless for two reasons. First, Rainbow-freaking-DASH was giving ME a hug. Secondly, I was pretty sure I could feel my ribs cracking and buckling. This mare is a lot stronger than she looks. Releasing me quite abruptly, Dash blushed slightly and rubbed the back of her neck.
"Heh… sorry about that. What you did was pretty awesome, and that should mean a lot, coming from the most awesome pegasus in Equestria."
I stared at her with stars in my eyes. Rainbow Dash… had called me… awesome. ME! Best. Day. Ever. My adoration was cut short by a pink missile from left field, knocking me for a loop. Nopony expects the Spanish Pink-quisition! I took a lazy swat at the birds circling my concussed noggin, and was rewarded with a sharp peck to the forehead. Note to self… don’t do that again. I went to pick myself off of the ground and brush off as much of the dirt as I could, only to discover I was already standing. Imagine that… if it had been anypony other than Pinkie, I would have wondered how I could have been stuck so forcefully and remained standing, but considering the source… Pinkie isn’t exactly known for playing nicely with logic.
“Hey there Dave! I told you I’d throw you a party, and while this is a bit later than you were probably expecting it to be for a welcome-to-Ponyville party, it is still a party and it is still for you, just like I said it would be but this one is even more super special because you’re a hero too, so this is more like a hero—“
Pinkie was still spewing words at a mile a minute, but I had completely lost the ability to focus on anything that was being said. Just as suddenly and violently as she had appeared, the Pink One had vanished, a single word hanging like an echo of days long passed…
“Cupcakes.”
Even as the word registered in my mind, I heard a platter clattering to the ground some distance away. My head snapped around in that direction reflexively, and I was just in time to see a few cupcakes still tumbling through the air from what seemed to be a rather violent collision. I had no doubt that Her Pinkness was behind this, and I had equally little doubt that not a single one of the cupcakes sailing through the air would impact the ground. Such is the way of the Pinkie.
Somehow, in the confusion I had lost both Twilight and Dash, but had just about run into Joy. Before I could even say a word to her, I found myself being tugged along through the crowd as Joy rapidly explained (or tried to, rather) that the Mayor wanted to see me for some indecipherable reason.
As it turns out, the reason for the summoning was simply to give me a brief once over before the speech, to make sure I wasn't caught off guard and was standing in the right place and all that. By the time that was all said and done, it was nearly show time and I found myself being led up to the stage. I stood in my assigned spot (helpfully marked with tape after the first run-through) and waited for the speech to begin. Stepping up to the mike, Mayor Mare cleared her throat to silence the crowd before beginning her speech.
"Good day, everypony. We are gathered here today to celebrate the union-- pardon, wrong script."
Pausing to allow for the chuckles to die down, the Mayor reveled in the laughter her joke inspired for a moment before continuing.
"I jest, I jest. In reality, we are all here to honor the bravery and swift actions of one of Ponyville's newest citizens. If not for the quick response of this newest member, we would have lost one of our most valued and essential postal workers to an unfortunate accident. His selfless actions embodied the Elements of Harmony, or at least the core aspects of them in one way or the other. Everypony, put your hooves together for Ponyville's newest hero: Dave!"
At this, the entirety of the crowd took to their hooves and sent forth a truly thunderous applause. The ground shook noticeably under the onslaught, and the microphone stand was dancing dangerously. From her position at my four o'clock, Joy reached out and steadied the stand with a dim blue aura. Eventually the applause died down to a dull roar, prompting the Mayor to continue her speech.
"The most obvious of these aspects is Generosity. While not necessarily a tangible object like is usually associated with being generous, Dave applied his skills and expertise to help out another, without any thought for himself or of a reward. Giving of yourself and expecting nothing in return is the definition of generosity."
From her position at the "Table of Honor", where the entirety of the mane six presided at the forefront of the crowded seating area, I could see Twilight squirm a bit. She was no doubt biting back a correction or elaboration on the Mayor's last declaration. Thankfully, the speech continued before her composure failed her.
"This second aspect ties in with the first, and for obvious reasons. The second virtue displayed is one that can sometimes be hard to find; the virtue of Kindness."
A few dozen sets of eyes swung in the direction of a meek pegasus, causing said pegasus to let loose an adorable little "eeep!" and cower under the tablecloth. A chorus of "awww… " rose up, and I'm sure I was part of it. The speech continued.
"It was kindness and concern for the well being of another, the well being of a stranger no less, that drove Dave to stay at the hospital for several hours until being shooed off by the surgeon, and to return again in the morning bright and early to check in on his charge. Kindness and compassion go hoof in hoof, and this is a great example of both."
"Honesty. This is not merely telling the truth when asked a question, nor is it simply living up to your word. No, just as kindness and compassion are nearly synonymous, so too are honesty and integrity. By not simply walking away from this grizzly scene and shrugging it off as a problem for another pony to deal with, our hero demonstrated integrity, and by extension, honesty."
"Integrity is the name we give to the act of doing the right thing even when nopony is looking, even when it is easier to do wrong. It is Loyalty to the ideals upon which this nation was founded that inspires us to do the right thing and stand by those values, difficult as it might be sometimes. In his actions, Dave clearly displayed his loyalty to this nation and its principals, embodying the spirit of selfless service to others. In this case and most others, Loyalty is awesome.”
At the mention of her favorite “A” word, Dash’s head snapped up to face the speaker, interrupting whatever it was that she had been looking at under the table. As the last few sentences registered in her mind, the cyan authority on Awesome gave a slight approving nod. The speech was rolling smoothly now, ponies no longer piping up at each stanza’s break.
“The importance of what comes next cannot be overstated. The first aid rendered that night did more than save a life; it saved countless tears, unnumbered hours of sorrow. In preserving the life of one so loved, something else was preserved for future ponies to enjoy: laughter. Each and every smile is a gift, and our lovable grey mailmare is always smiling and inspiring others to do the same. Derpy is a staple in this community, and in her wake she leaves little else but cheer and smiles. By his quick actions, Dave has helped prevent the laughter from becoming tears, the smiles from becoming sobs.”
“The final virtue, and the last of the Elements of Harmony, is Magic. At first it may not be obvious how a pegasus could embody the Element of Magic, but keep in mind that Magic is not limited to spells cast with a horn. Magic is present all around us in everything we do, and you can find it if you seek it. The twinkle of discovery in the eyes of a foal. The inexplicable joy you feel when you’re with that special somepony under the setting sun. The laughter that friends share, that special feeling of belonging. Berry Punch’s smoothies. These are but a few examples of the magic to be found in our day-to-day lives. However, there is another example of magic, one that has the power to overcome any and every obstacle and hardship: The power of Friendship. There is nothing stronger than the bonds that bind friends to one another. As any one of the six mares sitting at the table in front of me could tell you, we are all more powerful together than we could ever be alone, and there is a reason for this. To put it simply, Friendship is Magic.”
Pausing briefly, the Mayor took a moment to cast a gentle gaze at each of the Mane Six in turn. Silence reigned for the most part, though there was a muffled sniffle from somewhere in the back. The speech picked up right where it left off as the audience watched in rapt awe.
“Saving Derpy from this accident was heroic above all else, and it is its own reward in a sense, one that will continue to give eternally. With his actions that night, Dave received more than he gave, received something worth more than all the gold in Canterlot. He earned a friend. While nothing can come close to matching the value of a friend, as elected leader of Ponyville and voice of the Civic Council, it is my pleasure to bestow a token of our gratitude to Ponyville’s newest hero.”
That was my cue. I stepped forward from where I had been waiting and took my place on the second set of tape marks on the stage. I made eye contact with the Mayor, and she gave a small smile and a subtle nod. Situated in our respective places, the Mayor began the final leg of her speech.
“On behalf of Ponyville’s Civic Council, and the population they represent, and with my authority as the elected official of this town, the town of Ponyville and its citizens do hereby commemorate and recognize your noble deeds by presenting you with this gift… “
I became aware of a large shape emerging from behind one of the curtains to the side of the stage, and I had to stare at it for a good three seconds before I figured out what it was. Somewhere backstage, a stage-hoof unicorn was getting one hell of a workout as the massive token floated slowly out to the podium.
“Dave, in recognition and appreciation for your outstanding gallantry, the town of Ponyville hereby presents you with a Key to the City.”
The key was lowered to the stage with a resounding thud before being leaned up against the podium. Damn, that thing looked heavy. It was going to suck rucking that dang thing home. Flustered as I was by the daunting prospect of taking the key home, I almost missed my next cue as the Mayor introduced my speech of acceptance.
“And without further ado, my little ponies, here is the stallion of the hour, Ponyville’s local hero… Dave.”
Once more, the applause was deafening. I took a couple uncertain steps to stand behind the podium, clearing my throat nervously as I waited for the crowd’s enthusiasm to die down a bit. Once they complied, it dawned on me that I had entirely forgotten my acceptance speech.
Crap… Well, I suppose I’d have to wing it. I took a deep breath and just rolled with it.
“Afternoon, everypony. First and foremost, I’d like to say how grateful I am for this honor. This is unbelievable, it seems like a dream. I’m just happy I had the skills to help, and that I was in the right place at the right time. The knowledge that I saved a life, that I was directly responsible for helping to keep a wonderful mare as a part of the community… it is beyond fathom for me. The scope of it all is simply too huge to absorb so quickly. To Derpy, I will forever be a hero… She’s told me as much, and I can’t talk her out of it. Before I continue, I just want to reiterate that I am not trying to downplay the importance of a life, to make it seem like life is anything less than a blessing and a gift."
“That being said, I don’t feel like I deserve the moniker of ‘Hero’. The truth is, I don’t feel like I’m qualified to bear that title. I’m not sure what the proper term is, but I don’t think it’s ‘hero’. To be honest, I was an agent of chance and coincidence. I just happened to be at the right place at the right time, and just happened to have the training required to do what needed to be done. I did not seek out this scenario. In fact, the entire episode took little from me other than my nerve and my emotional stability."
“I wasn’t in danger. The task was not arduous or demanding. To me, a true hero is one who lays down his life in service of his beliefs or to protect those he loves. To face danger and walk towards it, to go out of your way to do something for someone else while expecting nothing in return, knowing all the while that you might not come out of this alive… it’s a terrifying prospect, but that is what makes it heroic. I was in no mortal peril, and very little was required of me. I’m glad I did what I did and I’d do it a hundred times over if need be. Derpy is an absolute pleasure to be around, I can already see us becoming good friends in the future, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything."
“So if you ask me, no. I’m not a hero. I am a champion of chance and circumstance, and maybe even a decent pony. I just… I don’t deserve the title. There are many ponies out there who are far more qualified than I am to bear that title. I’m just… I’m just Dave. I know this isn’t the speech you were expecting, but… well, it’s the truth. I’m sorry everypony.”
I turned to walk away from the microphone, and there wasn’t a sound to be heard. Not a whisper could be heard from the crowd, and I pretty much assumed that every expression behind me mirrored those in front of me… mouth agape, eyes wide with shock, a vague look of bewilderment stitched across the brow… I was about to walk off the stage when I heard a single hoof stomp from the crowd. A moment later, this was met by another. A third followed a bit sooner, followed more swiftly still by a fourth. Another hoof joined in the fray, and another, and another… the reaction cascaded into yet another round of applause, though this one was far more energetic than the earlier ones had been. I had been walking off the stage with the intent of going home in the inevitable booing to follow my speech, but I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face the crowd, the thunderous stomping of hooves reverberating through my bones.
The Mayor was standing at the podium with a smile, and as we made eye contact again, she nodded slightly at the key to the city, still resting as it was against the podium. I couldn’t fight my smile even if I wanted to, and I grinned from ear to ear as I struck out for center stage once more. Looking at the table for the six guests of honor, I was met by five smiles and a bashful grin. So it would seem that my speech had been a bit better received that I would have thought. I was standing there at the podium for what felt like an eternity as we waited for the crowd to simmer down again. The wait was made far more bearable as Joy sidled up beside me and nuzzled my neck, a gesture I happily returned. This only served to incite the crowd, and soon cat calls were sounding out from the masses.
Even so, the spectators tired themselves out pretty soon after that and the ceremony proceeded as normal. The immense key was once again levitated by some unseen pony, and the Mayor and I took to posing with the token for the cameras, at which time the key was placed upon my shoulders. I managed to stay upright, and I even kept the smile on my face despite the incredible bulk of the key. I'd like to take a moment and describe this abominably massive decoration.
The key itself was so large that if it was set on the ground, it would reach halfway up my neck. The main shaft was as thick as my leg. The blade at the end of the shaft was larger than my head and at least eight or ten centimeters thick, and the bow was equally massive. The entire thing seemed to be cast out of solid brass, and it was flipping heavy. The rest of the speech was a blur to me, distracted as I was by the burden upon me, but it was essentially a shout out and thanks to all of the ponies and businesses that contributed services or supplies to the Gala. Then, everypony was dismissed to go eat.
With more than a little help from Joy to stabilize the key, I descended the stairs and headed towards the VIP table to finally meet the entire mane six at once. I am not entirely sure what I expected, but I was somewhat shocked when Applejack, Dash, and Fluttershy each gave a small congratulation and then had somewhere else to be and took off. Pinkie was running the buffet (an idea that seemed rather illogical to me), so it was really down to just Twi, Rarity, Joy, and me.
The Mayor was making her rounds, socializing and whatnot, so the four of us were pretty much by ourselves. Twilight graciously took the liberty of removing the key from its position on my spine, and I made my gratitude known with a loud sigh. Twilight turned the key over a few times in her magic, studying it closely, remarking on its heft.
"Wow, this thing is solid brass. I can't fathom what the reasoning behind that was, but it wasn't very sound. It’s got to be terribly difficult to move this, let alone carry home. Well… perhaps… maybe… no, that wouldn’t… but then again… mass… I've got it!"
"Huh? Got what, Twilight?"
"The solution to your problem!" she exclaimed, beaming.
"You know why it burns when I pee?"
"Yes, I-- WHAT?!"
I wish I had a camera… Twilight's face was priceless. A mixture of shock, disgust, and intrigue painted her features. At the same time, Rarity did a spit-take, and Joy buried her face in her hooves. Three times combo! Yeah! Before Twilight began to ask any awkward questions to which I would have dubious answers ("How many sexual partners have you had in the last two weeks?" "Hmm… forty two." So on and so forth…) I decided I'd quit while ahead.
"I'm just kidding, relax everypony. So you can make the key not-so-heavy?"
"I… uh… oh, yes. Yes I can. Instead of modifying the key in any way, which would ruin its significance, I'll just enchant it with a light anti-gravity spell for a bit. It won't be weightless, but it should only weigh a quarter as much. It'll last about three hours, giving you plenty of time to get it home."
"Alright, sounds good. Thank you very much, Twilight."
"You're welcome, Dave."
Idle chit-chat ensued for a while, and I ended up persuading Rarity to allow Joy to take my suit off so that I didn't ruin it while eating. And just as soon as the line died down, the four of us set off to the buffet. Living up to my reputation as a black hole for food, I'm pretty darn sure that my serving was double everypony else's… combined.
Shortly after I started eating, Rarity announced that something had just come up, and she desperately needed to be back at her shop. I wasn't buying it for a second, I was quite sure that she was just grossed out by my eating habits. Meh, some ponies are just soft like that. So very… very soft. Anyways, Twilight didn't seem bothered in the least by this, something Joy found odd enough to ask about. Turns out, Spike is a pretty messy eater as well, so she had become desensitized to it. Oh well. The crowd began to thin out within an hour of the buffet opening, as ponies ate their fill and retreated for a mid afternoon nap.
Twilight eventually said her own goodbyes, explaining that she had to finish shelving her returned books and make sure Spike wasn’t sleeping on the job… again. Joy and I decided that this was the perfect time to make our exit as well, and we did just that. As soon as Twilight turned around to walk away, I snuck a kiss from Joy, catching her entirely unaware. How could I tell? She was in the middle of saying something.
Dead giveaway right there. Her shock only lasted a half a second before her eyelids drooped and she returned the kiss. We broke the kiss before too many ponies started whistling, and set off towards home.
As we threaded our way through the crowd and emerged in a clearing, I noticed that we had picked up a passenger. Somewhere along the line, Berry Punch had slipped in behind Joy, and was following her quite closely. I shot Berry a quizzical look, but her only response was the universal "shush" gesture. I shrugged indifferently and left it alone. I figured I'd find out what she was up to sooner or later. A second later, an earsplitting shriek from beside me told me all I needed to know. It would appear that most mares tend to freak out when they are walking and something suddenly grabs hold of their tail. I learn something new every day.
Once Joy ceased having her heart attack, the two mares engaged in one of their conversations that unintentionally excluded me. At some point it was decided that we would all go for smoothies, and I no longer minded being left out of the conversation. As we walked down the street, I had a brilliantly stupid idea. You see, I just HAPPENED to have a giant key on my back. A key named "The Key to the City" no less. It is only natural that this key should open everything in town, right? Yeah, I thought so too. Realistically, I knew that it was a trinket and went to nothing, but that wouldn’t hinder me from running around and trying to open every single door in my path.
Not at all.
Joy was the first to catch wise to my ways, but she just rolled her eyes and kept walking. I figured I'd catch up sooner or later, since we were all headed to the same place after all. I arrived at Berry's about five minutes behind the other two, and they had even been so kind as to set me out a cup o' goodness, sometimes called a smoothie. As those two continued their conversation, I took to wandering around the smoothie joint and trying to unlock things with my comically oversized key, to no avail. Though fruitless, my efforts managed to burn an entire half hour, and by the time I had exhausted myself Joy and Berry were concluding their conversation and getting up to leave. Berry waved farewell to the both of us as we set out for home.
It was on the way home that I made a fatal miscalculation. It started off innocently enough, as I was frolicking from door to door, mailbox to mailbox, gate to gate, so on and so forth, trying to unlock everything using this massive key. After a few more moments of this, Joy just looked back at me and informed me that she didn't know me, in case anypony asked, and that she'd be heading straight home, rather than wait for me as I ran from place to place with the key.
Mistake Number One: Letting the cheating-unicorn-magic-wielding-pony escape.
I was just approaching a rather large lock, and it almost looked like… perhaps… could this key really fit in there? I was disappointed and slightly intrigued when it didn't quite fit in the slightly smaller keyhole. I couldn't help but wonder who else needed a key so damned large? Aside from me, though. 'Cause I'm awesome like that. And this is where I made my fatal mistake: I forgot to keep track of the time. As a pass-time for the moments when I was between locks, I had taken to putting the key on my back and doing a little hop to pop the key into the air, and then balance it again when it came down.
My theory is that the enchantment wore off as the key hit its apex, because one second I'm entertaining myself with this massive key, and the next second I'm pinned under it. Shuffling the thing off of my back was a good deal more difficult than I expected, and a terrible idea on top of that.
I still needed to get this thing home, but I couldn't lift it back onto my shoulders by myself.
Fuck.
After numerous failed attempts, I got frustrated and pissed off, so I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I took the bow (fancy term for the part that sticks out of the lock) in my mouth and started dragging it back. Friggin’ unicorns, hogging all the friggin’ magic.
An hour later I was still a kilometer from the house and very tired. I had also come to a conclusion… I. Hate. Keys. Specifically, very large ones, but I think there will always be a certain level of malice that I harbor in the general direction of these unlocking devices. This… this was going to be a long day. Thank Luna it was almost over. By my estimation, it should have been right about sixteen hundred. Nearly bedtime.
Now, all I had to do was make it home…
16:12 Saturday, 24 March
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“Oh, you mean the thing at the place? With all of the ponies? The one that’s being held because of that one thing that other pony did the other day?”
love it
Edit: Also the whole Vader part had me cracking up hehe
First!Second!And it was a nice chapter. Especially the Spanish Pink-quisition (nopony expects it. Except those in the hyperspace housing in her mane Only a 3 second warning though). Just one problem:
I think there's a missing 'k' in there somewhere. Unless you are referring to the section of the earth that is not facing the sun somehow being alive.
Edit: I have been waiting so long for this to update. What took so long?
I laughed so hard! "You know why it burns when I pee?"
1243939
Hehehe. I do this all the time with my mates.
1244069
Drat. I'll get that as soon as I get out of the er. I'm on the prowl for nurse Joy. And I had a lot of things that pulled me away from my writing, so I was running behind.
1244086
These are the kind of things I say to people on a daily basis.
I almost died in laughter
"You know why it burns when I pee?"
"Yes I- WHAT!"
!
I sat on my bed laughing like a maniac had to cover my face with a pillow or the whole lake would have heard me
That scene tickled my funnybone as well. It's fun to see which scenes are the most memorable from each chapter as the fans read them.
Yay!
New chapter!
Heh, this whole chapter was a great enjoyment to read.
Great story, mate.
Btw, Darth Joy? oh yeah!
th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/227/f/c/pony_darth_vader_by_kannatc-d5b6xib.png
Heh, I also laughed out loud when Dave said " You know why it burns when I pee?"
And then he continued onwards, trying to unlock all the doors, heh. Oh Dave, your antics always amuse me.
1244491
DARTH JOY! Whooo!
And really...how could one NOT try and unlock everything with a giant key? I don't think it's possible.
Sleep is for the weak.
I wonder if Rainbow Dash will ever stick around long enough for Joy to realize Dave's obsession?
1245511
Yeah, that would be an awkward encounter. I might just have to throw that into one of these chapters
This chapter was as good as I have come to expect from you, and I think the "You know why it burns when I pee?" question really took the cake. You had me in stitches!
1251934
It still surprises me to this day that people think this is any good. It just sort of boggles my mind that I can write anything that other people enjoy, since I have almost no experience doing so. Even so, I'm glad my off-color sense of humor is agreeable to the rest of the population. That pee joke just kinda came to me and was too perfect for words. I'll just keep doing the same thing I'm doing now, since it seems to be working.
1253082
I too am self-depreciative of my writing; but the difference between you and I is that you have enough courage and faith in your works to put it out there and let others judge it. Just keep doing exactly whatever you are doing and I guarantee people will love you for it.
1255216
Roger. I see what you mean, brother. I learned a while ago that it only gets to you as much as you let it. I believe in myself (or so I tell myself) enough that I don't let what others say get to me. To be honest, I figured that this story would bomb terribly and I'd never make it past the first chapter, but I threw it up here anyways to try and learn from my mistakes. And what do you know, people liked it. You never know with things like this, sometimes you just have to stand tall and stand ready to be knocked down. Sooner or later, you'll find a way to keep your feet under you.
That hit me in the funny bone so hard that I was knocked completely clear of your story and in to a separate alternate world where the laws of breathing do not apply. Good show.
perhaps you mean "grisly"?
Twilight apparently isn't always tidy either.
Apparently made with love.
Called it.
Reminds me of months when I went to a birthday party of a friend of mine. It was at a buffet place. I had two flights of the main course; she had five or so I think. I had two plates of dessert; she had four of those. At one point, I asked, "how do you stay so this ?"