• Published 13th Jun 2012
  • 3,560 Views, 80 Comments

As It Were - Minotaur



Sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll! No, just kidding. It's actually just a HiE.

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Fallacies and Fury

"You seriously aren't mad?"

Yet gain, Twilight nodded her head. After getting dragged all the way to the library by Applejack, I had expected to get yelled at by Twilight. Contrary to my expectations, she wasn't that mad. Apparently, Pinkie Pie had come by earlier and explained to Twilight that I "went to visit her". While slightly irritated that I left in the middle of her tour, she was still impressed that I could make it there be myself. So rather than her punishing me, we were about to go get something from a restaurant. It probably wouldn't be as good as the food at the royal palace, restaurant food is always great.

"Well then, what are we waiting for?"

Twilight was still tidying up a few loose books, putting them in their right spots on the shelves. My stomach wasn't willing to wait for her, and almost started grumbling. However, I quickly tightened my abdominal muscles, preventing it from making a sound. If I got too used to the constant stream of food here, it will be much harder when I get back and into my old schedule again. As such, I should really try to hold back a bit.

Spike suddenly burped and a little green flame bolt shot out of his mouth, forming itself into a letter. Twilight and Spike acted like that was normal, but it definitely didn't seem like that to me. Coughing up letters would be something one should mention to a doctor.

Twilight used her magic to unfurl the letter and started reading it. Sometimes, I envied her magic. It seems so amazingly convenient, I mean, with it I wouldn't have to ever get up from the couch to grab the remote! I'd just magic it over to me, and not even have to touch it. Or, I could . Maybe I could even turn myself invisible and sneak into movie theaters for free! Actually, I think I understand why I wasn't born with magic. That was probably a smart move on someone's part.

Twilight finished reading the letter, and looked over at me. The moment her eyes met mine I knew that letter was about me. And considering that the last letter was addressed to Princess Celestia and sent in nearly the same way this one was received, I had a hunch about who wrote it.

"Princess Celestia said that she wants us in Canterlot as soon as possible. She said that she has some news to give you."

Suddenly, I felt my energy rush back into my body. Obviously, that letter meant that Celestia found a way to send me back! I completely forgot about the food and rushed Twilight, but stopped myself before I gave her a hug. It might be too early to celebrate.


Princess Celestia has proved herself a master planner yet again. As if she knew that I would want to get to Canterlot as soon as possible, she sent a carriage to pick Twilight and I up. We left Spike behind to take care of the library, and Twilight promised him we'd be back shortly. For a second, I was worried that the guards pulling the carriage would remember me and dump me in some freezing mountain, but they were Pegasi, so I felt a bit better. The ones that assaulted me at the castle were all Unicorns and Earth Ponies, I hadn't seen a single Pegasus guard among them. These ones even wore a different color armor, gold, rather than the silver of the ones I was used to.

Twilight and I boarded the carriage, and I hesitantly sat down. Now that I think about it, I've never liked roller coasters. And judging from the lack of seat belts, the carriage was just like an extreme roller coaster. Traveling by roller coaster didn't seem like the best idea, and I wanted to get off. However, before I could get back off and reassess my options, the carriage took off. The guards were going surprisingly fast, considering the fact that they were pulling a considerable amount of weight. Would Twilight be offended if I commented on how much we must weigh? I smirked at the thought.

The smirk was quickly wiped off of my face as we ran into some turbulence, or something. Point is, the carriage got shaky for a couple seconds. My hands locked onto the seat in a death grip, and I remembered why I never liked roller coasters. BECAUSE HEIGHTS SUCK.


Princess Celestia anxiously awaited for Stan to arrive. When she had told her sister about his return to Canterlot, the lunar princess had been excited. However, she didn't know the uncomfortable situation Celestia had been placed in. Celestia had always hated disappointing her subjects, and this would be more than a mere disappointment for Stan. While she didn't know him too well, Celestia had gotten good at judging other over the years. If her intuition was correct, Stan wouldn't react too kindly to the news. Stan had proven himself more than capable of hurting somepony, and she was afraid about what he'd do.

With a sigh, she realized that worrying about it wouldn't fix anything. She could only wait and see what would happen.


"Never....again...."

I was holding onto my stomach in fear of losing its contents. The ride had proven itself not as smooth as I hoped, and I felt like I was dying the whole time. Twilight laughed at me a bit, finding the whole situation hilarious. If had died on that carriage, I totally would've haunted her forever. That jerk.

After a last groan of agony, I struggled back onto my feet. I was very close to showing a very rude hand motion to twilight, but I stopped myself. I'd hate to leave on a bad note, just in case.

As if finally remembering that we had somewhere to go, Twilight stopped laughing at me and we headed off towards the Castle. It looked way bigger on the outside than it had on the inside, and I finally realized just how huge it was. No wonder I wasn't able to find the entrance and escape. A newfound respect for the Princesses and their servants was born in me, mostly out of pity. Having to clean that huge thing must be a royal pain in the ass. Hah, royal.

The guard led us through the winding halls and passages until we finally arrived at the throne room of the palace. Celestia sat there on the throne, looking solemn. Then again, she probably always looks like that.

Twilight and I walked up to her, and stopped right before the stairs leading up to the throne. Twilight bowed, but I didn't do that sissy stuff. If she's not my leader, I see no reason to bow to her. Twilight got back on her feet and gave me an angry look, upset that I didn't bow. However, at that point, I was so pumped to finally be going back that I didn't even care.

Right before Celestia could say anything, I cut her off.

"Listen, Celestia, I'm really thankful for everything you did for me. Although I have some new scars..." I looked at my stitched shoulder, "... it was still pretty cool here. We got off on the wrong foot, but you still treated me nicely. Honestly, if our roles had been flipped, with you coming to Earth, I doubt you'd have gotten the same treatment. Which is why I respect all that you've done even more."

For some reason, rather than making Celestia smile, my goodbye speech only seemed to worsen her mood. Maybe she just really hates goodbyes? I still continued, slightly less sure of myself than before.

"So, before I leave, I just wanted to let you know that I won't forget you guys. You and Luna, and even Twilight. All of you are now officially my friends. Count yourselves lucky, I tend to be very picky!"

I chuckled a bit, and waited for Celestia to return the gesture. She didn't. Even with all of that sugarcoating, she still didn't bite. Her silence was starting to worry me a bit.

Finally, she lifted her head and stared right at me. I recognized the look in her abnormally large magenta eyes. It was determination, the look one has when steeling themselves for a hard task. Determination, like a warrior before battle. Determination does not belong in her eyes right now. Why is it there?

"I can't send you home yet."

A sinking feeling spread through my body like a dye dripped into water. There's no way she was serious, right? If she was, then why would she call me out to Canterlot? Wouldn't it have been easier to just send a letter? Unless... she's playing a prank on me! That's probably it. Wow, I got really worried for a second there.

I laughed a bit at Celestia. "Yeah, yeah, you got me. Good job, you scared the big man."

She still didn't laugh, instead, her head hung down a bit. It was all that I needed to understand the horrifying truth. I'm not going back. Ever. Celestia looked into it, and found out it's impossible. It all makes sense, now that I think about it. She called me here to apologize, something that can't be done over letter. Disappointment quickly turned to anger, and I felt myself shaking a bit.

In a last desperate attempt, I scanned Celestia's face for any sign that she might be joking. Anything I could grasp onto, any small detail. I found none. Deep down inside, I knew this was going to happen. However, I still got my hopes up. I'd imagine anyone in my situation would.

"You... you lied to me."

If words could harm someone, my words were like a giant slap in the face for Celestia. She closed her eyes, as if trying to shut out what was happening.

"You lied to me."

Lies. I hate lies. Like those smiling, back-stabbing doctors who would tell you all is fine, only to dump the truth on you months later.

Celestia tried to regain her composure, but only slightly succeeded. "We're still trying to find a way, but Umbra-"

"Shut up!" I snapped at her.

The second Celestia pulled the old "Oh, we'll keep trying!" trick on me, a switch was flipped somewhere in my head. All of the disappointment and anger that had been swirling around inside me turned into fury. Pure, blinding fury, which paved the way for its good friend cynicism.

"Ohhhh, I see! It's actually Umbra's fault, isn't it? Yeah, it's some shitty little wannabe terrorists that are keeping me from going home!"

She tried to shake her head a bit, to try and deny what I said. No matter what she'd done, I'd have still just gotten angrier. Which is exactly what I did.

"'Sorry, Stan! We actually don't give two shits about you! We're too busy playing around with some arrogant pricks to care about you! Maybe later, okay?'"

Twilight's horn lit up, and she pointed it at me.

She looked as mad as I was, albeit at me. "Apologize to the princess!"

"Aww, widdle Twi-Twi mad?"

Gritting her teeth, she shot a bolt of something at me. The Princess yelled out for Twilight to stop it, but it was too late. I was given no time to dodge, and the bolt impacted me. It slammed onto my chest, and I waited for my death. It never came, so I assumed it failed.

Even angrier because Twilight attempted to hurt me, I jumped back onto my feet. A voice in the back of my head whispered to me, telling me to kill her. I almost complied before I realized whose voice it was. Misanthropy.

Gripping my head, I screamed out. I had played right along into Misanthropy's trap, and almost killed someone. Before things got any worse, I dashed out the doors of the throne room. Celestia's voice called out to me, but I completely ignored it. What I needed most was to get away.


"Princess... I-I don't know what came over me. I just saw him insulting you and I couldn't take it."

Celestia nodded, understanding her student's anger. However, she was still surprised that Stan hadn't been harmed by Twilight's bolt of lightning.

"There was no harm done, as you held back. Now, we just have to give Stan some time to calm down."

Twilight still was upset though. She looked Celestia in the eye, and gulped.

"But Princess, I didn't hold back. I fully intended to harm him, but it was like my magic just disappeared on contact with him."

Celestia was reminded of the time she and Luna tried to heal Stan. The same thing had happened back then as well. Almost as if his body rejected the magic, or maybe even absorbed it. There are spells which do exactly that: shield the user, but they take the form of a bubble when used. Stan did nothing like that, so Celestia assumed he hadn't used any magic. But if it hadn't been magic, then what protected him from the spell?

Luna suddenly burst into the room, running over to Celestia and Twilight. She excitedly looked around, but didn't find what she was looking for.

"Sister, one of the maids informed me that a strange creature walked into the throne room. Was it Stan? Where is he right now?"

Celestia was taken aback at this new development. As she knew Stan wouldn't take kindly to the news, she made sure LUna wouldn't be around when it happened. The last thing she needed was he sister's opinion of Stan being ruined. She was hesitant to answer, to protect both Stan and her sister's dignity.

Luna was surprised by Celestia's silence. However, she knew her sister rarely does anything without a reason. Her silence must have a reason as well. A reason pertaining to Stan, which made Luna all the more curious. Luna's horn lit up, and she searched for the presence she knew as Stan. She found that he was quickly moving through the castle, much like the last time she used this spell. With a grin, she ran off to find him. Celestia yelled for her to stop, but just like Stan did before her, she ignored Celestia.

Celestia let out a small groan. "Does no one listen to me anymore?"


My mind was completely blank. I didn't dare think about any of my actions, I just ran. Away from anything that lived, away from everything. My heart pounded faster than Tech N9ne rapped, but I didn't care. My legs, overtaxed and underpaid, screamed for me to take a break or sit down, but I didn't care. My lungs burned at every breath I took, but I didn't care. I just continued my mad dash towards some hiding spot.

Eventually, I found myself headed right towards a window. I recognized it as the very first window I had seen during my first attempt at escape from the palace. With no other options, I launched myself at it, covering my face with my arms. Time almost seemed to slow down, like in a Hollywood movie. It felt like several seconds before my body contacted the cold glass of the window, smashing through it. The shards rained upon me, and several embedded themselves in my exposed arms. The pain was minimal, however, as adrenaline still rushed through my veins.

I wildly tried to grasp at the wall of the castle, searching for anything that would slow my fall. The stone was unnaturally smooth, and provided me with nothing to grab on to. I was forced to settle with just pressing my hands against the wall, and hope that the friction would slightly slow things down.

However, the powers that be had a different plan in mind for me. My feet connected with the cliff that sloped up the side of the castle, which sent me tumbling it. I bounced down and flipped several times, each time hitting harder than the last. Eventually, I slammed down onto solid ground with a crack, and felt every ounce of air get pushed out of me. I painfully gasped at the air, desperate for another breath, but nothing came. Every second felt like a year of agony, as the air crept back into my lungs with each breath. I made the mistake of trying to take a deep breath, only to feel my sides explode in a fresh new wave of pain. As my adrenaline started to fade away, it only got worse. Deep breaths wouldn't help me here.

Although it was a rather extreme thing to do, it got the job done. I could no longer feel Misanthropy's influence in my mind. Once again he had receded back, biding his time until he tries to take over again. If I could have raised my arm at all, I would've hit myself, hard. Not only did I probably piss off the princess, I also cracked or broke something in my chest area. My ribs, I assume.

I tried to chuckle, but my broken rib reminded me that it was in charge. Like a beach, I was assaulted by wave after wave of pain. Basically, my whole body felt like a giant pile of crap.

Dizziness descended down upon me, the whole world spinning around and around. I new that that couldn't be a good sign, and decided to check my body.

Slowly, I tilted my head over and saw that my arms were covered in blood, most likely because of the glass. My hands felt rubbed and raw from their intimate session with the stone wall, and my legs burned from the mad dash through the castle. Embedded in my chest was a rather large piece of glass, and blood poured out of the wound. That'd probably be why I felt so dizzy: blood loss.

I seriously pushed my body to the limits since I arrived here, and this is the result. I'll die here, my whole life having gone to waste. After all, Celestia obviously won't be coming, and I can't move. Unable to move and with nobody to rescue me, I just sat there. Away from home and friends, my life slowly ebbed away. I'd have liked to say that I didn't regret anything, but that would be a lie. I most definitely regret trusting that dumbass Dr. Lancaster.

Still, I couldn't help but smile. Although I had lots of bad experiences in my past, I had lots of good ones too. To be honest, before coming here I had little to no problems. Sure, I had to crouch every time I got in the shower because the shower head was too low for me, and I ate Ramen noodles for every other meal. My front door was slightly rusty, and creaked like no other every time it was opened. Yet, that stuff was minor. I had friends, a relatively stable life, a house, everything. Hell, I even got to be the first person to encounter aliens. That might not have been good enough for some people, but it did the job for me. I'd have liked to be able to settle everything before I died, but that was obviously not possible.

I hope they have Pinkie's cupcakes in the afterlife.

THE END.

Or is it?

Right before I closed my eyes for the last time, I saw a dark blue angel descend down. No, it'd be incorrect to call her an angel. She wasn't an angel. She was Luna, coming to my rescue. God, how did I manage to forget about her? Every time my life's been in danger so far, she's come running to the rescue. Apparently, this was no exception.

I tried my best to smile at her. She was absolutely horrified at my condition, and looked on the verge of panic.

"W-what... What happened?"

Painfully, I drew in enough air to answer her.

"I tripped."

Completely ignoring my joke, she scanned my body and saw all of my wounds. Actually, scratch that. I doubt she saw my obviously broken rib(s). Her horn lit up, and I waited for something to happen. Surprisingly, nothing happened. Her eyes widened in terror, before promptly shutting themselves and her horn was covered in a blue light. The light got steadipy stronger and stronger, and started to give off small sparks. Still, nothing seemed to happen. It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open, but I persevered. Luna still had some trick up her sleeve, I was sure of it.

Her trick was revealed to me. It was trying again. Much like last time, nothing happened. She tried yet again, her blue light turning blinding white. I figured that even if I stayed awake, I wouldn't be of any help to her. I closed my eyes, thinking that I should just take a little rest. Just a short, harmless little nap.


Luna finally stopped her frantic attempt at healing Stan. No matter how much power she put into it, Stan's injuries remained. Just now, Stan had closed his eyes, which gave Luna a renewed sense of urgency. She could only think of one magic that might be powerful enough to help Stan: The Elements of Harmony.

After a quick check to make sure Stan was still breathing, she teleported to her elder sister. Celestia and Twilight were still in the throne room, waiting for Luna to return with Stan. When Luna returned empty-hoofed, however, they were naturally confused.

"Stan's dying. We need the Elements of Harmony. Now."

Upon hearing Luna's outlandish statement, Celestia didn't question her sister. She understood that if what Luna said was true, they had very little time to act. Wasting any of it could be a grave mistake. Although taxing on the mind, Celestia and Luna forwent the traditional setup required for long-range teleportation, and substituted it with raw power. It worked, and they found themselves in Twilight's library, in Ponyville.

Sparing no time for a break, the trio teleported around town, snatching Twilight's best friends away. Once they all were gathered, Celestia hastily explained the grim situation to the panicking ponies. The five Elements nodded, understanding what their job was. With an even bigger amount of power than the last, the Princesses teleported themselves to the castle. They were both feelings the effects of their reckless use of magic, but Luna especially so.

Even so, the whole group rushed over to Stan's location, willing to put in everything they had in them to save his life. Even if he hadn't been here for too long, nopony wanted for him to die. Luna quickly checked Stan's pulse, only to find that she could barely feel it. There was puddles of blood around his arms, a piece of glass in his chest, and a small trickle of blood ran down the side of his mouth. Not a very pretty picture.

Twilight and the rest were feeling the pressure. But even more than that, they felt determination. All of them knew what w Twilight summoned up the now-familiar feeling of her Element of Harmony, Magic. The rest did the same, and their corresponding Element appeared. Twilight felt the pure power of her Element course through her, before passing on to her friends. Each time it passed along, it would pick up some more power.

Once all six had contributed their share, the now rainbow colored magic swirled around the group. It continued swirling that way, until suddenly it changed course and shot straight at Stan. They all watched as it surrounded him, and waited for something to happen.


White. Everywhere. Just like Heaven, everything was a pearly white color. Nothing seemed to have any form, and distance didn't seem to exist here. I looked under me, only to see the same white color stretching down to infinity.

"Whoever did this really likes to screw with people's head."

"Should I take that as a compliment, then?"

I whipped around to face the new speaker. Rather than seeing someone, I saw something. A bright light, to be precise.

"I am more than mere light, mortal."

I was taken completely aback. Not only had the light read my thoughts, it responded, too!

"Perhaps I should take a form you're more familiar with."

No sooner than the light finished saying that, than I saw a beautiful young woman appear before me. A human woman. She had long, blonde hair, gray eyes, and impossibly good looks. Her skin was perfect, no wrinkles or blemishes anywhere. I could tell her beauty was natural, the type a goddess would have.

"Your fascination with this form is amusing."

Yet again, she read my thoughts. However, when she spoke, her lips didn't move at all. Strange.

"Thoughts and spoken words are one and the same here. Your ignorance can be forgiven, young one, as none of your kind have ever been on this plane."

Plane? What does she mean by "plane"? Who is this strange woman?

"I suppose that, indeed, my existence is strange to you. That is understandable."

Remembering that she can read my mind, I carefully picked my next words.

"Who are you?"

Yes, they were very carefully picked. A conversational masterpiece.

"If you are referring my name, know that I have none. Names are but a mortal's vanity and serve me no purpose. If you wish for something to call me, Calypso will do. It is fitting enough."

Calypso... That seems oddly familiar for some reason.

"Okay, uh, Calypso. Why am I here?"

She offered me no answer, and instead chose to stare at me. Her emotionless eyes seemingly bored holes into me, and it was getting uncomfortable. Finally, she looked away.

"You're a special existence."

"Special?"

Her body stood deathly still, which creeped me out. The only way I knew she was alive was from the occasional movement of her eyes.

"Indeed. You have been chosen, selected from innumerable candidates. You shall serve this Calypso, and be her tool."

She might as well have named herself Enigma, because she made no sense to me.

"And what was I picked for? What do I have to do?"

Again, instead of answering, she chose to stare at me. This time, it took a bit longer for her to finally respond.

"All will be revealed in due time."

"So, what, am I some sort of hero or something?"

"That would be fitting."

What? Me, a hero? She sure has a weird sense of humor.

Calypso stared at me yet again, with those exotic gray eyes of hers. This time, rather than just looking away, she did a full 180 turn.

"They let me pick, did I tell you that? Choose whichever one I wanted. I did my research, watched as you became the hero I needed you to be. Like the others, you were strong and swift and brave, a natural leader. But you had something they didn't. Something no one saw but me. Can you guess? Luck. Was I wrong?"

She turned around to face me, and I started cracking up.

"You SO stole that off of Halo 3."

"An attempt at 'breaking the ice', if you will."

I shook my head. If I didn't know she could read my mind, I probably would've flipped a crap because goddess-light things play Halo.

"So tell me, what are you? First you were a light-thing and now you're a woman. Are you a goddess?"

"Nay, young one. I am no god or goddess, merely a caretaker."

"Caretaker? What do you take care of?"

"Balance."

She was seriously getting more and more confusing by the second.

"Okay, how does one 'take care of balance'? Also, if you weren't joking about that whole hero thing, why me?"

"Full of questions, aren't you? Curiosity is a good quality. A bird who does not seek the air will stay grounded with the beasts of the land."

After a quick snap of her fingers, a book appeared. It floated itself over to me, so I reached out and grabbed it. I opened it and flipped through all the pages, only to find that it was completely blank.

"What is this? And how come it's blank?"

"That book contains all the knowledge you will need. Our time is limited, so I am unable of telling you everything. As such, that book will serve us both as a way of communication. Do not lose it under any circumstances, for I shall not create another."

Obviously, since she said that, I'm now gonna lose it somewhere. Thanks for jinxing me, Calypso.

Suddenly, she floated over to me.

"That is all, young one. Now, I leave you with a gift."

Her silky smooth hand reached up and lightly touched my face. A sense of euphoria was sent through my body, and I felt like all of my problems suddenly didn't matter anymore. Now, I could take on anything in the world and succeed!

Calypso faded, turned back into the bright light-thing, and disappeared. I felt myself waking up, and the euphoria ebbing away. Shucks.

Author's Note:

This chapter was so much fun to write, I hope you guys enjoy it just as much as I did!