• Published 13th Jun 2012
  • 3,563 Views, 80 Comments

As It Were - Minotaur



Sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll! No, just kidding. It's actually just a HiE.

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The Walking Lavender Library

I've never been an avid lover of animals. Ever since an unfortunate incident in my youth with a guinea pig, I've more or less ignored them. Out of sight, out of mind. That doesn't mean I hate them though, in fact, I sorta like dogs. Especially Huskies, those cute little things.

So needless to say, the sight that awaited me was a spectacle to behold. There was multitudes of animals laying about willy-nilly. The animals were given free reign, doing as they please. Surprisingly, that didn't consist of eating each other and destroying everything. They were peacefully laying about, some eating various types of plants and vegetables. It was amazing, really. Definitely not possible on earth. Now, I've been to the zoo. Don't get me wrong. But the sight in front of me was more than a zoo. It didn't have that sense of artificiality that a zoo always brought upon me. No, this was different. I was impressed that the yellow pegasus, Fluttershy as she called herself, was able to pull it off.

She weaved in and about the animals, trying not to disturb them from their food. I followed her, of course. Flashing a smile at her animal friends every once in a while, I could tell that she really loved and cared for every living thing here. A truer mascot for PETA the world will not find.

Finally, after traversing through the living maze which blocked the house, we arrived at a door. She flew up, pushed it open, and with a shy smile on her face, beckoned for me to enter. I think I understand why she's called Fluttershy now. She flies, and she's shy. Genius, aren't I? Anyways, I stepped in, and she shut the door. While I set down Mjölnir, she walked over to her fridge, and pu--

Wait, what?

I rubbed my eyes and tried again. SHE WAS STILL PULLING FISH OUT OF A FRIDGE. I was suddenly reminded of the human-like chairs back at the castle. The coincidences were just starting to pile up higher and higher. Same technology, same furniture, same language. I pulled up my sleeve and took a quick look at my stitched shoulder. Let's add same weapons to that list, shall we? Not only that, but the flora in the forest was similar to earth.

This means one of two things. Either a) that teleport had seriously screwed with my head and I was hallucinating things right now, or b) Somehow, one of our cultures had influenced the other. The similarity was just too uncanny. I honestly don't know which option was worse, as A means I'm insane, but B means that there is more to this place than meets the eye. Before my brain goes 404, I should just stop thinking about this stuff.

Either way, Fluttershy had pulled the frozen fish out of her fridge and flew over to me with them. She smiled and offered me it. I took it from her hoof and gave it a wary look. The raw fish felt extremely cold in my hands, and smelled rather pungent. I sat the fish aside, hoping that Fluttershy wouldn't be offended. Even if I wanted to eat it, my digestive system really wasn't equipped to handle raw meat. I blame my enzymes.

Instead of being offended, Fluttershy just grabbed the fish and put it back in her fridge.

She giggled. "If you don't like fish, you should have said so, silly!"

I was about to answer her with some snarky response, but a little white bunny hopped into the room. Strangely enough, it was bipedal and had two big feet. If bunnies could look angry, then this one was positively pissed. It crossed its little arms and glared at Fluttershy in what I believe is pure homicidal wrath. Fluttershy either didn't notice, or chose to ignore it. Either way, the bunny started stomping its feet on the ground and pointed at the fridge.

Fluttershy smiled and flew over to the fridge. "Of course I didn't forget about you, Angel!"

Angel? Seriously? Its name is Angel. That's the most ironic thing I've ever heard.

She pulled out a big carrot, handing it to the grumpy white rodent. It took one look at the carrot, and the little sadist threw it back at her. Luckily for Fluttershy, it missed. Right as I was about to call pest control to take care of the ugly rodent's sorry ass, Fluttershy picked up the carrot and proceeded to peel it, giggling all the while. Not only was she the model mascot for PETA, apparently she was the model mascot for domestic violence, too.

After she finished peeling the carrot, she handed it back to Angel. Angel grumpily took it and hopped away, munching on it all the while.

Now that the little devil had been taken care of, Fluttershy turned back to me. She gave me several curious glances as she flew around me.

"I wonder what you are... I've never seen anything like you before."

For the second time now, I was interrupted right before my snarky response. Another pony opened the door, and walked into Fluttershy's home. The pony looked around, then spotted Fluttershy hovering next to me. I was completely ignored, so I guess that it's normal for Fluttershy to have strange things around.

"Fluttershy, I need your help." The lavender pony's voice sounded feminine as well, so I'm guessing that this one is female too. Wait a second, why does 'lavender' sound so familiar? Then, it hit me.

You will be housed by Twilight Sparkle, a lavender unicorn.

This might be the pony that I'm looking for!

Fluttershy landed on the ground. "Oh, sure, Twilight. What do you—"

"Twilight Sparkle."

Both of the ponies paused, and stared at me. They were amazed at my ability to speak. Trying to make things less awkward, I forced a smile.

"Haha, you're Twilight Sparkle, right?"

My latest sentence just confounded them further. They gave each other a quick look, then continued to stare at me. So much for making things less awkward.

Twilight uncomfortably swallowed, then nodded.

"Uh, Fluttershy? Where did you find that, and why does it know my name?"

I snorted in disgust. For the second time now, I was referred to as an it. It really rustled my jimmies.

"First off, don't call me 'that'. Second off, she found me in the woods. Third off, if you're really Twilight Sparkle, Celestia was supposed to send me to you, but she screwed up. Any more questions, pal?"

After I mentioned "Celestia", Twilight gasped and her face lit up in recognition.

"Then you must be Stan! Thank Celestia! I've been looking all over the place for you! Ever since Celestia sent that letter, I haven't rested at all trying to prepare!"

"Thank Celestia"? Doesn't she realize that Celestia is the one that screwed things up in the first place?

Twilight was continuing on and on, describing all of her preparations and the work they required. I got tired of listening to her drone on, so I put my pointer finger up to her mouth and said, "Shhh. Just let it happen."

She didn't obviously get it, so I hastily withdrew my finger and acted like nothing at all happened. She gave me a strange look, and shook her head.

"Celestia warned me in her letter that you were... Quirky. I guess she was right about that."

Quirky? How about I shove my foot up her royal--

Twilight ran over to the door, and opened it with magic, I presume. She motioned for me to follow her. I shrugged and went after her, grabbing Mjölnir on my way out. Poor Fluttershy had no idea what just happened, and stayed behind. I waved at her on my way out, and she made a feeble attempt at waving back. Chuckling, I ran over to Twilight.

While we were walking on the path that I assume connected Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle's houses, Twilight went on and on, lecturing me on the various things Celestia had told her about me, and how excited she was to be housing a new species. Of course, I ignored her. In the distance, I saw a dainty looking town. Suddenly, for no reason at all, I remembered one of Grandma's sayings.

"You don't get a second chance to make a first impression."

While I didn't realize it in my youth, looking back, my grandma was actually pretty wise. She was full of sayings and advice like that one. As I thought about that quote, I saw Mjölnir out the corner of my eye. I smiled and raised the hammer up, resting it on my shoulder. If I don't get a second chance for a first impression, I might as well milk the first impression for all it's worth. I'll to make myself look like a giant badass by straightening my back, and standing as tall as possible. Mjolnir and my ripped clothing are just the icing on the cake. I'm 100% sure now that there won't be a repeat of the guard incident.

As Twilight and I walked into the town, I took a good look around. All of the buildings were painted bright, pastel colors. Pink seemed to be a fairly common choice. Reminds me of those giant, pink dollhouses that little girls ask Santa for. Ponies weaved in and out of these buildings, each with their own agenda. However, as we walked by, they would stop and stare at me. I remembered what happened back in the royal dining room, and sure enough, I heard whispers erupt around me. On one hand, it felt kinda good to have everyone's attention, but on the other, it wasn't a very positive form of attention.

Twilight nudged me and told me that we were getting close to the library, and I got real confused. Weren't we supposed to go to her house, not the library? Unless I got different info than she did, we're headed to the wrong place.

Before I could voice my concerns, Twilight stopped. The "library" was a giant tree, maybe an oak. It had a door at the front (which was way too small for my 6 foot frame), and windows jutting out at random spots. Twilight just walked through the door, and didn't even wait for me to follow. I heard her yell a faint "Spiiike!". Maybe she has a dog? God, I hope it's a husky.

Excited as hell for the husky, I squished myself through her door. Eagerly looking around, I tried to spot her dog, but it was nowhere to be seen. Instead, I saw a giant purple newt. Visibly annoyed, I put my hammer down and sat down on what looked like a bean-bag chair.

Twilight walked over. "What's wrong?"

"That newt is what's wrong. Who names their newt Spike?"

Twilight and the newt both looked a bit offended.

The newt crossed its arms. "Hey! I'm not a newt! I'm a dragon!"

I chuckled. "Trust me bud, I tried that one at the royal palace. Didn't work too well."

Spike wasn't sure how to respond, so he shrugged his arms. Twilight ran over to a desk, and some parchment, a quill, and ink flew over with her.

"Spike, take a letter!"

The little amphibian grabbed the necessary items from the air and got ready to write.

"Dear Princess Celestia. I finally found Stan in Fluttershy's cottage. He ended up in the Everfree forest rather than my house, so I suspect something messed up the spell. He is unharmed, and I'll do my best to keep it that way. Your fathful student, Twilight Sparkle."

After putting the finishing touches on the letter, Spike held it up into the air. He(I'm guessing it's a he, who names a girl spike?) took a deep breath, then blew green fire onto the letter. Apparently, this was normal, and the letter turned into dust and flew off. Spike just walked off, going up the stairs to take care of something else. I rubbed my temples, trying to ignore the pure irrationality.

That reminds me!

"So, how long was I gone?"

Twilight put the quill and ink away. "Two days. Celestia feared that you might have died. I'm sure that she'll be very relieved that we found you."

Two freakin' days. That makes sense, considering I left during the night, but arrived during the day. But then again, if I was gone for two days after that small-scale teleportation.. what time is it on Earth after my first teleportation? Does Earth even exist anymore? Would there be any point in returning back if there's nothing to go back to?

I guess I was radiating uneasiness, as Twilight looked pretty uneasy too. My stomach started rumbling, and I looked at Twilight.

"Got any food?"


As the letter flew in through her window, Celestia feared the worst. Two whole days had passed since she sent Stan out, and she feared that she might never see him again. While a bit rude, he was enjoyable to be around. On top of that, Celestia didn't want to have to live with the guilt of killing the very first of his kind Equestria had encountered. And as such, she almost didn't want to open the letter. Taking a deep breath, she braced herself and unraveled it. After she read it, a very heavy weight was lifted off of her heart. Stan was alive! She stood up, and went to share the good news with Luna. Luna had perhaps grieved more than Celestia, and will be even happier about this.


I was wolfing down each every thing in sight. I hadn't got to each as much as I wanted in a very, very long time. Back at the castle, I tried to act a tad bit more dignified for the princesses, but here, there was no royalty to impress. Twilight might think I'm a pig, sure, but I don't really care. My hunger supersedes my social image, for now.

I quickly glanced over, but Twilight didn't seem very disgusted. Rather, she seemed impressed and somewhat relieved. She was probably afraid after Celestia told her humans are omnivores. Luckily for her, horse meat isn't exactly my cup of tea.

Having eaten my share of various fruits, vegetables, and sandwiches, I got up. My stomach felt pleasantly full, and I wanted to thank Twilight for all the food. Before I could even say anything she was assaulting me with questions.

Let's see here. Lives in a library, check. From what I can see, freaking loves books. Check. Rather than being afraid of new things, she wants to know as much about them as possible. Check. Ladies and Gentlemen, she passed all my criteria for a super-stereotypical bookworm! Not answering her questions would probably piss her off, and I don't want that. For the moment at least, she feeds and houses me, so I'll have to play along and answer her questions.

"Princess Celestia said you're a human, but what does that mean? What is a human?

Right before I gave her a straight answer, I stopped. Because life is more fun when you screw around™. I'll test her, and see just how much she knows.

"Humans are multicellular, eukaryotic organisms. We are sentient Metazoans, belonging to the Mammalian class, which I believe we share with you ponies. Need I go further?"

Instead of the confused look I hoped to get, Twilight looked like she understood everything I just said. I guess being a smartass won't affect her.

"Maybe later. I've got some other questions I want to ask first."

I nodded, giving her my approval. I know it wasn't needed, but it still made me feel good.

A notebook, which I presume is full of different questions, flew over to her. Regret flooded my mind, but unlike Noah, I had no ark to hide in. This is gonna be a long day.


Luna was awestricken. Stan was not only still alive, but he was in Equestria! While she hadn't told him anything, she considered him a friend. Luna didn't have very many of those. Before her banishment to the moon, she had no need for friends. After she returned, Twilight Sparkle taught her that fun and friends weren't nearly as bad as she had thought before. Stan was the closest she got to having the "best friend" she read about in books. He was humourous, strong, liked to be solitary, all qualities that she herself also had. But then the unthinkable happened, and and Umbra assassin almost killed him.

Regardless of how much she liked him, keeping him at Canterlot could bring harm upon him. She didn't want that at all. So she and her sister decided to hide him away in Ponyville. If he was truly safe, he'd be back one day. And Luna considered herself quite good at waiting.


Exhausted, I collapsed back on the beanbag chair. Twilight had been very thorough with her questions. From mythology to economics, she had filled up several notebooks worth of information. I don't know everything, though, so in areas like engineering and dancing she was out of luck. Yeah, I don't know how to dance. At least I'm honest.

She happily stored away her new-found information about the human race. If she doesn't make me the best freaking food from now on, I might have to slap a mare. I took a glance outside. It was already dark. I guess Luna did that. Strangely enough, even though it was night, it wasn't really "dark", so to say. Sure, it was darker than the day, but the night here was much... brighter than the one on earth.

"Well, now that that's taken care of, I should show you to your bed."

Oh boy, I get a bed? 50 bucks says that it will be pony-sized and way too small for me.

I trudged up the stairs after her, and into another room. Now, even if the doors are small, the ceiling is surprisingly high. No need to fear hitting my head on things every other minute! Still gotta watch out for these doors though.

I forced myself through yet another door, and my suspicions were proven right. The bed was meant for a pony to sleep on. However, it was still pretty big. Maybe it was made for larger ponies? Luna's bed was gigantic.


No matter the size though, I'd still sleep on it. I'm just too tired to really care. Twilight told me that she's gonna introduce me to the rest of her friends tomorrow. That's gonna be a hassle, especially if they ask this many questions. I walked over to the bed, and just collapsed on it. It was much, much softer than the one in the prison. I took off my shoes, stuck them next to the bed, and fell asleep almost instantly. Sleep makes everything better.