• Published 13th Jun 2012
  • 3,563 Views, 80 Comments

As It Were - Minotaur

Sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll! No, just kidding. It's actually just a HiE.

  • ...

Sam Fisher's Protege

I was awakened by the sound of my cell door being opened. I groggily looked over to see the same nurse from yesterday cautiously enter my cell. She looked ready to pass out when she saw that I was awake. I started feeling a bit shameful about what happened, and cleared my throat. "Hey, listen, I'm sorry and all-"

After hearing me talk, the nurse bolted behind cover with an eep.

I tried to suppress a laugh, but failed, as the nurse's reaction was pretty cute. Hearing my laugh seemed to calm the nurse, and she showed herself. "I-I'm h-h-here to change your b-bandages." I frowned, and the nurse held her breath, fearing she had done something wrong and was about to be eaten. I took my shirt off, and saw that indeed, my body seemed to be covered in bandages. Am I really stupid enough not to have felt these? Or did she put them on me while I slept?

I sighed and nodded to the nurse. "Go ahead. I won't hurt you."

The nurse, finally able to breathe once again, nervously trotted over to I. Her horn glowed a deep blue color as some new bandages floated up from a nearby table. I frowned again, and looked at the floating bandages. I swiped my hands under and above the bandages, and then to the sides. Nope, definitely not strings.

"How are you doing that?"


"Making it float, or levitate, or whatever you wanna call it. Is it magnets?"

The nurse looked confused. "Magnets? No, this is magic, haven't you seen it before?"

Oh, so they aren't only TALKING COLORFUL PONIES, but also MAGICAL talking colorful ponies. At this point, I'm not even surprised anymore.

"Whatever. Just change my bandages already."

"Well... could you.. t-take them off?"

I looked at the nurse, who was too afraid to touch me. Thinking about this, I smiled. If I'm trapped in some ass backwards castle, I might as well have some fun.

I closed my eyes and dramatically fell back on my bed, the back of my hand on my head. "Oh dear me! My head hurts too much. I don't think I will be able to."

"You really must like terrorizing nurses."

Upon seeing Princess Luna, the nurse bowed and left.

I open my eyes and looked over to the door, only to see the blue pony from yesterday. Luna, I think it was?

I had a guilty smile on my face. "It is one of my few pleasures in life. So, I take it that if you are here you just came to have some question and answer time huh?"

Luna's head drooped down. "N-no... that's... wrong."

I sits up on my bed, with a devious smile on my face.

"Oh? Then what are you here for? I doubt princesses such as you have the time to be checking on my well-being. Whatever. Since you were nice enough to not kill me in my sleep and even bandage me up, I'll answer some questions."

Luna instantly perked up. "Okay!"

She walked inside, levitating a cushion behind her. The cushion sets itself down on my bed and Luna sat on top of it. She looked unsure about where to start with her questions, so I decided to give her a hand.

"I vaguely remember you asking about where I came from, right?"

"Ah, yes!"

"Have you ever heard of 'Ohio'?"

"No, what is it?"

I closely studied her reaction, and decided that she wasn't lying. If she's never heard of Ohio, this obviously isn't America. So, I'm either on another planet, or in England. Either way, screw my luck.

"'Ohio' is the state I was born in."

"So, are you an Ohioan then? What a strange name."

"No, I'm American."

"I thought you said you were born in Ohio? Is Ohio a city then?"

"No, Ohio is a state. One of the fifty states in America."

At this point, Luna was extremely confused. The more she talked to me, the less she seemed to understand.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to get rid of the sleepiness. "That reminds me, what happened to the other one from yesterday?"

"She's right here." Celestia strode into the cell.

Ah shit. I can't even remember her name.

"Ah, yeah, there you are.... Trollestia?"

Celestia frowned. "Trollestia?"

"Ah, sorry.. Molestia?"

Celestia put her hoof to her face. "Just call me Celestia."

I nervously laughed. "I was just, uh, testing you. Good to know you still remember your name."

Celestia sighed. "Of course I... Anyways, let's get straight to the point. I wish to know how you got here and why you are here."

"No beating around the bush with this one, I see. I can answer your questions, but I don't think you'll like the answers. Besides, I'm hungry, is this how you ponies treat your guests?"

Princess Celestia was taken aback. She summoned a guard and instructed him to bring some food. After a bit, the guard returned with some hay and an apple on a platter. Having finished his errand, the guard returned to his post outside the cell. I looked at the hay, then back up at Celestia.

"What the hell is this supposed to be?"

Celestia curiously looked at me. "You requested food, did you not?"

"Yeah, I did. I requested food though. Don't you have any, I don't know, meat?"

A sudden silence spread through the room. All the ponies looked horrified.

I broke out into laughter. "That was a joke. I know you are herbivores." I grabbed the apple, biting a chunk out of it. "However, I don't eat hay. Try to remember that."

Celestia regained her composure. She probably realized that this was a good chance to learn more about my species, that crafty pony-witch.

"Then, I suppose you are an omnivore?"

I freaking knew it! Trying to squeeze out more information about humans at every chance she gets.

"You supposed right. Now, what was it that you wanted to know? How I got here, right?"

Celestia nodded her head. Luna eagerly looked on.

"I honestly have no clue. I'm not coming to invade your kingdom, or country, or whatever else you might be thinking."

Celestia let out a sigh. "I didn't jump to a conclusion like that."

With an even bigger smirk on my face, I stood up. "Oh! Is that why you locked me in a cell before I even woke up? Because you don't jump to conclusions?"

Celestia looked at the ground. "I had no choice."

I walked over, and with a chuckle, patted Celestia on the head.

"That's okay. I would've done the same thing in your position, no need to worry." I flashed Celestia a smile. Celestia was unsure of what expression to make, so she just returned the smile.

The guard outside the cell looked at me and growled. "Get away from the princess before I make you into a pincushion!"

I stepped toward the guard with a wicked smile on my face. "Could you really do that? All your buddies yesterday couldn't stop me... I wonder if you are any better than them?"

It appeared as though a fight was about to break out, and Princess Celestia got ready to intervene. However, instead of fighting, I simply walked back and sat down on my bed. I smiled at the guard. "But then again, fighting you would be nothing more than bullying." The guard was only more infuriated by my behavior.

I focused my attention on the princesses again. "So? Got any more questions, or are you two just gonna sit there and stare at me?"

Princess Luna stepped forward. "Actually, I was just wondering something. Why are you so calm and composed?"

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I'd imagine that anypony else in your situation would be panic-stricken."

I scratched my chin. Now that I think about it, why AM I so calm? I mean, these ponies were basically aliens.... Oh god, I get it...

I slowly shook my head. "Have you ever heard of Half-Life?"

The princesses were confused, naturally. They both shook their heads.

"Well, before I came here, I had just finished the second one. An amazing game. But then again, you don't have it here, so never mind.” I sighed. “ Anyways, you two have barraged me with questions, so I think it's my turn now. Question number 1: When are you letting me out of here?”

Celestia looked away. “I'm not sure.”

I slumped down into my bed. “So I can't be trusted, after all. Whatever, I don't have anymore questions. I'd like to be left alone now.”

The Princesses nodded. Celestia gracefully strode out, with Luna following shortly after. Luna turned around, shooting an apologetic look at me, and ran off. After I made sure they weren't coming back, I whipped out my iPod. I pressed the home button.

“What the hell...”

It was still on full battery. Normally, even if it wasn't used, it would be at 50% or less after three days. I unwrapped my headphones off of it, and unlocked it. Just to make sure it worked, I decided to play a song. Several seconds later, Hold it Against Me was blasting in my ears. At least I have Britney Spears with me in this fucked up place. This song will never get old. The battery bothered me though.

I decided to figure it out later, and put my iPod away. Now that I was alone, it was time to figure out how to escape.

Princess Celestia strode into her study, followed by Luna. She tried to walk over to her desk, but Luna blocked her.

“Sister, why are we keeping him locked up?”

“We both saw what I can do. I'd rather not have him hurt somepony else-”

“But that's because he thought he was in danger! Isn't this just cruel?”

Celestia frowned. “It is a necessary evil, for now. However, even if we do let him out, where would he go?”

Luna was taken aback. “W-well...”

“Exactly. Besides, just letting him out into Equestria might be dangerous for him. He doesn't know anything, and is bound to get himself hurt. I'd rather keep him around until I'm sure he can be let out.”

Luna pawed(hoofed?) at the ground as an idea formulated in her head. She knew she had to say this carefully. “Well, I think if we're going to keep him in the castle for now...” Luna gulped. “... He at least deserves a better room.”

Celestia had a questioning look on her face. “And what would this better room be?”

Luna gulped again, and looked her sister in the eye. “He can stay in my room!”

“Hell yes,” I whispered to myself.
I had finally been rewarded after what seemed like hours of waiting. The guard had gone off again, presumably for food or a bathroom break. He probably wasn't supposed to do that, as there was no guard to replace him. After a quick look around, I was sure this was the perfect time to slip out. I slid the key I stole from the guard into my door, and dashed away. Jesus Christ, I honestly never expected my fingers to be so useful. I guess they've never dealt with pickpockets here?

I shook my head and stopped at the staircase I previously used to escape. Sam Fisher, lend me your strength! And those badass goggles, preferably. Jokes aside, I only had about five or so minutes until I was discovered missing, and I needed to avoid stumbling into other ponies until then. After a quick glance around at the top of the staircase, I was off again. Running down hallways, ducking behind plants and around corners every time I saw a guard, I was steadily progressing through the castle. At one point, I was almost discovered when a guard stopped after hearing my breathing. I caught my breath, and froze. The guard moved on, thinking he had just been hearing things and grumbling about not getting payed enough for this.

I saw a suitable hiding place to catch my breath, where the wall was pushed back to accommodate a statue. I ran behind the wide statue of what seemed to be a flying pony in armor. I don't have much time left. I don't even know where the exit is. Maybe this was a bad idea? Gasping, I got back up. Even if this was a bad idea, it's too late to go back.
Having sufficiently rested, I ran out from behind the statue, running directly into Princess Luna and knocking her down.

I crouched to help Luna up. “Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.”

Luna angrily looked up. “Watch where you're going next...”

We met eyes, and realization dawned upon me.