• Published 13th Jun 2012
  • 3,560 Views, 80 Comments

As It Were - Minotaur

Sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll! No, just kidding. It's actually just a HiE.

  • ...


“The phoenix must burn to emerge.”
― Janet Fitch

The Elements of Harmony and the two princesses waited with bated breath for any signs of life from Stan. After the extra powerful blast of magic had encircled his body, it disappeared into him to do its job. Whether or not it could was the question.

Every single one of them was shaken up at the sight of his mangled body, but couldn't take their eyes off of him. They hoped the spell would save him, but with each second that passed, their hearts grew heavier.

Twilight blamed herself for Stan's current condition. She thought that if she hadn't fired off that lightning bolt at him, he wouldn't have got this hurt.

Celestia faced a similar predicament. She felt like she had truly failed Stan, and caused his rampage. She was only half-right.

Even Pinkie Pie was feeling gloomy, her once vibrant and puffy mane having deflated and straightened out. She was slightly trembling, on the edge of bursting into tears.

After another minute heavy with sadness, Princess Celestia resigned herself to Stan's fate, as even the Elements of Harmony hadn't worked. Stan's death left more questions than answers, the main one being his supposed immunity to magic. The more Celestia thought about it, the less it made sense. If he had this level of immunity towards magic, then how had she and her sister managed to teleport him? Sure, the second time they did there had been some complications, but Luna pulled it off easily the first time.

Celestia looked away from Stan's remains. She had seen many, many deaths over her long reign, but this one was among the worst. Not the most gruesome, and not even the saddest either. No, what made it so bad was the confusing nature of it all. A new species appears in Equestria, demonstrating themselves as partially immune to magic before nearly going on a rampage, then promptly dying. To top it all off, it was obvious Stan had jumped out the window. The reason why was about as clear as mud.

After Celestia had looked away, all the other ponies realized the sick truth. Stan had indeed died. Some collapsed on the spot, others started to weep, and others shook their heads. One of them, however, refused to believe that Stan had truly died. After all, he had lived through the attack from the guards, an assassin, and survived in the Everfree forest. She knew that he wouldn't just go off and die like this. So while the other lost all hope and wallowed in despair, Luna remained steadfast. Because of this, she was the first one to see the signs of life slowly return to Stan.

The color slowly returned to his face, as his blood started pumping through his veins again. His heart pumped fast, toiling away to send blood through his body. The glass fragment were pushed out of him as his wounds healed. The skin regrew perfectly, leaving no scars or other signs that there had even been an injury in the first place. His fingers twitched, before clenching into a tight ball. After a small gulp of air, his lungs rapidly restarted. Luna smirked, her guess having been right on the money. Stan wasn't dead.

His eyes flickered, and opened up. Confused, he took a quick look around. After gaining his bearings, he sighed and sat up. Everypony except for Luna stood still, amazed at his "sudden" revival. Stan smiled at them, before promptly turning to his side and vomiting all the contents of his stomach out. A few awkward seconds later, he wiped away the bile from his mouth.


The ponies were all overjoyed that the spell had finally worked, and their tears ran anew. This time, however, their tears were that of happiness, not grief. Fluttershy was really letting the waterworks flow, as she hated seeing anything in pain. Watching Stan almost die had proven very difficult for her, and she was immensely glad he survived.

Luna shook her head, almost as if she was amused.

"You really like terrorizing us, don't you?"

Remembering the scene at the prison with the nurse, Stan returned her smile.

"It is one of my guilty pleasures in life."

However, the smile was suddenly wiped off of his face. He looked disturbed and deep in thought. Fluttershy asked him if he was in pain still, but he ignored her. He had stumbled upon a revelation. Suddenly jumping up, he screamed into the sky.

"Now I remember, dammit! Calypso, the Sweet Nymph! Trapped Odysseus on his island and made love to him for seven years! Why don't I get the same treatment, you jerk?!?"

He cursed himself, the heavens, and the Republican party for his misfortune. Kicking at the ground, his foot hit the glass shard previously embedded in his chest, still covered with his blood.

"This sucker was inside my chest? No wonder I was bleeding out. Dang."

Everypony was still stunned at his sudden outburst, but no questions were asked, mostly because they knew by now that hoping to fully understand Stan was impossible. Some were a bit embarrassed by the way he screamed about sex out loud, and their faces flushed red. Still, they were glad he was back. And so was he.

When I get my hands on that damn Calypso...

Wait, that sounds too rape-y. Scratch that. I'll keep my hands off of her. Unless she tells me to, in which case...

God, I seriously need a life.

The ponies were leading me back towards the throne room. They tried to convince me to get a full medical checkup, but I shot them down. Not only did I doubt that pony doctors could give a human a checkup, but also I just didn't feel like it. I trusted that whatever healed me did the job properly. Pinkie had told me about how they'd used the Elements of Harmony to save my life, fighting off dragons and other "beasties" in the process. If these Elements of Harmony really saved my life, then what did Calypso mean when she said that she "left me with a gift"? I thought the gift had been her healing me, but I guess that's not the case.

We arrived at the throne room, and went inside. I winced as I remembered how furious I had been at Celestia, and I wanted to make it up to her. She really didn't deserve to get yelled at like that.

A round table and some chairs were brought over for us to use while we talked by some maids. I appreciated the gesture, as the round table indicated that we all were equal. It was nice to see an uncorrupted monarch every now and then.

We gathered around the table, and sat down. My mind had been too preoccupied with trying to figure out Calypso's riddle to notice we were sitting. By the time I snapped out of my daze, everyone had sat down. Seriously, when will I ever get to see how they sit down?

I knew that I had to apologize to Celestia no matter what, and I decided to start talking before anyone else could take my chance.

"...and then it was all sparkly and it flew and surrounded you.."

Oh, that's right. Expect the unexpected with Pinkie. I had to settle with talking after she was silenced.

"Listen, Celestia, I'm sorry. What I did was completely uncalled for. If there's anything I can do to apologize, tell me now. That excludes me becoming a slave, or that kind of stuff, though. That stuff is just weird."

Celestia smiled, a good sign.

"You don't have to do anything. It was partially my fault-"

"No, it wasn't. It was 100% me, and I will make it up to you one way or another. So don't try to get out of this."

"Even so, there is nothing that I need you assistance with."

I remembered her saying that the reason that I couldn't go back was Umbra. The perfect way to make it up to her was revealed to me.

"I'll join the effort against Umbra."

Celestia was caught off guard by my sudden proposal, and everyone around the table was stunned.

She managed to force out a "no", but I didn't have any of it.

"You know that saying 'as stubborn as a bull'? Well, bulls have a saying that goes 'as stubborn as Stan'. And I have my mind set on helping you. If that means I have to kick some ass along the way, so be it. Besides, I have a trump card up my sleeve now."

Celestia regained her composure, and shook her head.

"I can't place you in any more harm than I already have. I'm sorry."

"I don't know if you noticed or not, but I pretty much just died out there. If I can survive that, I doubt anything Umbra can throw at me will kill me now. I'm serious about this. If they're truly the only reason you can't send me home, then the faster they're gone the faster I'm gone. Basically, you can't refuse."

Celestia was in a bind now, and she knew it. Still, she didn't seem completely willing yet. Luna also looked pretty upset about the idea of sending me into battle. Actually, would they even send me into battle? How do ponies do warfare? With my luck, they probably use pies for bullets or something crappy like that.

"We can discuss that later. For now, I have some questions I want you to answer."

Changing the topic, huh Cellie? That wasn't very subtle.

"And what would they be?"

This time, Luna spoke up.

"For starters, why did you jump out the window?"

They were treading into deep water, a subject I really didn't want to talk about. However, I have some questions too, so I supposed it's only fair for me to answer.

"To clear my mind."

Never said I'd give them a detailed answer, did I?

Applejack waved her hoof around, asking for me to elaborate. "Clear yer mind from what, sugarcube?"

Sugarcube. An image of my grandma flashed past my mind, but I shoved it away. Now is not the time to get sentimental.

"Nuh uh uh, Applejack. An answer for an answer. Now tell me, what are these Elements of Harmony?"

Twilight was quick to explain to me the long history of the Elements, from the time Princess Celestia and Luna used them ll the way to the present. Twilight had the Element of Magic, which meant that she was like a walking tank in terms of power.

Fluttershy was the Element of Kindness, which made lots of sense. On that topic, she was sending me guilty looks every now and then, but I don't remember her doing anything wrong.

Rarity was the Element of Generosity. I hadn't talked to her that much back in Ponyville, so I couldn't comment on it.

Applejack was the Element of Honesty, which also made a lot of sense. That perfectly explained how she saw through my lie so easily, and knew that the crowd misunderstood my intentions. Thank god I bumped into her rather than someone else.

Rainbow Dash was the Element of Loyalty. I also don't know too much about her, other than the fact that she seemed to have a grudge against me or something.

And completing the picture, Pinkie Pie was the Element of Laughter, which is self-explanatory. She does weird things, ponies laugh, etc. etc.

And together, the six Elements are in charge of keeping things in harmony. That sounds awfully familiar to what Calypso said:

"Nay, young one. I am no god or goddess, merely a caretaker."

"Caretaker? What do you take care of?"


Odd. Which reminds me: Calypso gave me a book, didn't she? So, where's the book?

I reached in my pocket and my fingers hit something. It was the book in question, somehow fitting in my front jean pocket, without ripping it or even touching my leg. Calypso, stop breaking the rules of Physics.

"Hey, are youuu listeniiiing?"

I was brought back to reality by Pinkie Pie, who was waving her front legs about wildly to get my attention.

"Like I was sayiiing, why did you need to 'clear your mind'? Was it all dusty?"

Yes, Pinkie, my mind was full of dust. Your logic is amazing.

"I almost made a huge mistake, and that was the only way I could stop myself."

Pinkie Pie shrugged, not understanding anything.

"My turn again. Why did you have to resort to using such powerful magic for me? Is it because I was close to death?"

Celestia and Luna looked each other in the eye before looking back at me.

Luna shook her head in disbelief. "Are you saying you didn't know you're immune to magic?"

Several gasps were heard from around the table, and Twilight's jaw dropped low enough to hit the ground.

"Immune to magic? Are you serious?"

"I'm afraid so," Celestia replied.

So if I truly am immune to magic, then it must have been Calypso who healed me. Was that her 'gift'? However, if I'm immune to magic, how did she heal me? Does she use an alternate form of magic? Do goddesses even use magic?

I had many question to ask Calypso, and decided to try and use the book as soon as possible. For some reason, I felt like I shouldn't let everyone see the book yet. My instincts have proven right several times on this jacked up misadventure, so I'll trust them.

"Are you sure I'm immune to magic? That doesn't make any sense at all."

This time, Twilight spoke up. "You did tell me that humans don't use magic, so maybe that's the reason why. As your world doesn't have magic, your body isn't used to handling it like our bodies are. That might change over time, though, if your body starts getting used to Equestria."

What Twilight said made sense. My body has never encountered magic, so it rejects any contact with it; ergo, my body is immune. If I seriously fight against Umbra and his assassins, that will be extremely handy. Stan 1, Umbra 0.

Wait a second, my body rejects the magic? That sounds awfully familiar to an allergic reaction. If I break out in hives every time I get hit by a firebolt, that'll be a problem.

Celestia frowned. "But for some reason, we can still teleport you. Luna did it to bring you to the castle, and we also used it to send you to Ponyville."

"Sure, but don't forget that I disappeared for two whole days after that second try."

Celestia winced at the memory, as did Luna. Why would they wince when I was the one who got screwed over?

I scratched my chin, and noticed that my beard was starting to grow back. That reminded me that I haven't showered, shaved, nor brushed my teeth once since coming to Equestria. I must look and smell god-awful right now. On top of that, I'm still wearing the same ripped shirt and jeans that I was before, except now they're both covered in blood and the shirt is basically a rag with tons of holes in it.

"By the way, can I get some new clothes made or something? This shirt isn't exactly... A shirt anymore."

Everyone's nausea obvious, Celestia nodded. Before she could say anything though, Rarity practically jumped out of her seat.

"Darling, please wait! I'm just dying to try out some new designs on you! If you come to my boutique I'll take your measurements and make wonderful clothes for you to wear!"

"I mean, I don't have any money. I can't exactly pay for something from a boutique."

Rarity fluttered her eyelids at me. "No need to worry about that! I'll give you a special 100% discount for first time buyers only!"

I see. Rarity, the Element of Generosity, just offered me free clothes. Now I understand why she's the "Element of Generosity".

"I guess I'll do that then. Thanks, Rarity."

She smiled at me, and leaned back.

"Oh hay! I never got ta tell mah family where Ah went! Princesses, Ah'm awfully sorry, but Ah gotta git goin' now."

Rarity also realized that she had things to do, as did Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. They all went off to board the train home, and Twilight went with them to the train station. That left the Princesses and I alone.

"So, are you ready to accept the fact that I'm gonna kick Umbra's sorry ass?"

Celestia frowned, and sighed.

"You're impossible."

Taking a note from Big Bang Theory, I replied:

"I can't be impossible; I exist! I think what you meant to say is, 'You're improbable'."

Luna stifled a laugh while her sister sighed again.

"You just proved my point."

God, I love me a hot shower. Luna had offered to let me use her shower, and I had jumped on the idea. I had been covered in blood, sweat, and dirt for way too long by the time I stepped in the shower. The warm water scrubbed my body clean of grime and my worries as well. The only downside was that I didn't have my shampoo, nor my body gel, so I was forced to use whatever was in Luna's bathroom. Which meant that I'd have to use girly smelling shampoo, yay! Color me excited.

Confirming my fear, I squeezed out some of the feminine scented shampoo onto my hand. However, it wasn't as bad as I expected. It smelled like coconut, which I actually like. Yeah, I have a soft spot for coconut scented shampoo.

I rubbed it into my hair, a thick lather covering my head. Then, I stepped back into the water and washed it all out, the foam going down the drain. I used a bar of pineapple scented soap (Ugh.) to wash my body, and then I was done. After I turned the shower off, I stepped out and dried myself off.

While in the process of drying my family jewels off, I heard the door get burst open. Luna came running in, screaming at me to stop. She froze when she saw what I was doing though, and so did I.

Several long seconds passed, neither party moving nor saying anything.

Then, another towel levitated over to me. I grabbed it out of the air and wrapped myself in it, covering myself up.


"Oh, yeah, no problem."

"Man, these towels are soft, you know?"

"I agree, they are very well made-"


Luna squeaked, and ran out of the bathroom. I slammed the door shut after her, pissed. Seriously, who just walks into the bathroom when someone else was showering? What's up with these ponies?

Shaking all of the water out of my hair, I looked into the mirror. I snapped both of my fingers, pointed them at my reflection, and grinned.

"Lookin' good, Stan!"

My brown eyes seemed to twinkle in response, as my medium length brown hair floated-

Wait, WHAT?

I grabbed at my hair, trying to make it stop. When I let go, however, my rebellious hair continued swaying, as if some wind was blowing it. God damn it, Luna.

Celestia and Luna were trying as hard as they could not to laugh, and also failing miserably. I sat there with my arms crossed and a murderous look in my face.

"Why is my hair friggin' floating? THIS ISN'T NATURAL!"

Luna waved a hoof at me, trying to calm down and stop laughing.

"Haha, it's because you -ha!- used my shampoo. Hahaha, Celestia's and my shampoos have magic in them that causes that. That's why I ran in, to warn you not to use it..."

She then burst into laughter again, as I sat there. The maids had somehow been quick enough to wash my boxers, jeans, and socks before I came out of the shower, and it felt good to have fresh clothes on. My shirt was beyond any hope, though, so I just told them to throw it away.

And that's why I sat there, shirtless and with floating hair. Life could be better. It certainly could be worse, though.

Author's Note:

This chapter is a bit shorter, but have no fear! I should be able to crank out another normal-length one in a couple of days. If you haven't already, you guys should check out my newest story, A God's Masquerade. I get more ideas when I'm working on multiple things at once, so I think that this new story will improve As It Were's quality. Um, I mean, if that's okay with you guys. :yay: