• Published 13th Jun 2012
  • 3,561 Views, 80 Comments

As It Were - Minotaur

Sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll! No, just kidding. It's actually just a HiE.

  • ...

Suckish Villainy

“And here I was, convincing my sister that you were harmless, only to find you wandering around the castle! I worked my flank off to get her to agree with me, and you betrayed my trust! Honestly, why am I even letting you stay here now? Not to mention that you knocked me over!...”

Luna continued ranting on, but it fell on deaf ears. I was enraptured by the beauty of the room. All of the furniture and apparel seemed to share the same motif, a crescent moon. I looked over and saw the same crescent moon on Luna's flank.

Luna noticed my gaze at her flank and snorted. “And you have no manners either! Is that stare really necessary?”

“I guess not, but what's up with the tramp stamp?”

"Tramp... stamp?"

"Yeah. Tramp stamp. That tattoo thing near your... uh... behind."

Luna looked at her side. She realized what I was talking about, and relaxed. "Do you mean my cutie mark?"

"Is that what you call them here? Huh. So, why do you like the moon so much? You've put it pretty much everywhere"

"That's a long story."

I walked over to one of the armchairs and sat down. I was surprised at how soft it was, and sank in. "We've got time. I mean, I do. Dunno what you have to do."

Luna sighed, and sat herself down on the chair next to mine. "I've got a bit of time before dinner. Anyways, a cutie mark is a mark obtained when a pony discover a unique characteristic or talent that sets them apart from others."

I slowly nodded. "So, do you tattoo them in or something? Wait, no, don't tell me. I think I can guess. They're magical!"

Luna nodded, a confused look growing on her face. "Why did that sound sarcastic? Do you not have magic where you came from?"

I laughed. "Of course not. You know, I'm still half convinced that you guys are all playing a trick on me with this magic crap, but then I remember that you're talking ponies. But yeah, no magic in America."

Luna found that very interesting, and made a mental note to tell her sister about it later. She closed her eyes, trying to imagine life without magic. Finding that she couldn't even begin imagining that, she opened her eyes back up, only to see Stan stretching his arms out, enjoying the comfort of the chair. It reminded her of a foal, stretching before it goes to bed. She giggled, absolute sure that Stan truly wasn't some sort of violent monster, but only a lost little foal.

I shot her an awkward look, unsure of how to react to the giggling. I chose to just ignore it, and continue with my questions. "I was wondering, why is your cutie mark is a moon? Do you like stargazing or something?"

All of the previous innocent mood washed away, Luna rolled her eyes. "No. It's because I raise the moon every night."

I frowned. "Alright, I'm sorry I was being a smartass. Seriously now, why is it?"

Luna was puzzled. "That was the truth. I raise the moon every night, and Celestia raises the sun. We work together, keeping things in check."

I just shook my head. "Nah. First off, what do you mean 'raise the moon'? Haven't you ever heard of gravity around here? Centrifugal force?"

Luna looked sternly at me. "Of course! But that has nothing to do with this. I use magic to raise and set the moon every night."

I was about to argue my case of heliocentrism and the like further, but my stomach started growling.

Luna smiled. "Are you hungry, by any chance?"

Grabbing my belly, I nodded. "Yeah. Only thing I've eaten in the past two days is an apple for God's sake."

Standing up, Luna motioned for me to come along. "Celestia and I normally have dinner around this time. If you promise to behave yourself, you can come along."

"Are you sure it's okay? I mean, not that it affects me, but won't I cause an uproar?"

Luna had an uncomfortable smile on her face. "I'm sure it'll be fine...."

As Princess Luna and I walked into the room together, all the ponies stopped what they were doing and looked over. None of them had any idea who or what the tall creature next to their Princess Luna was. Turning to the nearest pony, they all started whispering and rumoring about what it might be. Within seconds, the room was covered in a wildfire of whispers. I managed to hear some of them.

"...W-what is that? It's not a pony!..."
"...It's walking on two hooves! Two!..."
"...Its mane is so unkempt!..."
"...Maybe it's one of Luna's weird pets?..."
Great, so now I'm a magical pony's weird pet.

Apparently, Luna had also heard that comment, and shot me an awkward look.

I furiously shook my head. "No way in hell. I am not your pet. Get that wicked thought out of your mind."

Luna gasped. "That's not what I was thinking!"

"Oh, sorry. My bad."

The whispering came to a sudden halt, and all of the ponies turned around to greet Celestia. They bowed down, and then continued their previous activities. Celestia spotted Luna and I, and trotted over to us. She gave me a suspicious look, and turned to her sister.

"I trust he didn't give you any trouble?"

I awkwardly scratched the back of my head. "Haha... Yeah, no trouble here. Nope. None at all."

Luna gave me a look that pretty much said "I could snitch you out right now but I wont".

"He was fine. Shall we eat now?"

"Of course. Stan, will you sit with us? If you don't want to, you don't have to."

I shrugged. "Eh, I might as well sit with you two. Eating alone all the time gets so boring."

Celestia showed me a warm smile, and led me to their table. Now, I was a bit nervous, as I've never eaten with royalty before. Buuut then again, I'm an alien on this planet, so I'll still look weird no matter what I do, right? Anyways, we got to the table, and Celestia's horn started glowing. I'm pretty sure that means she's using magic, as crazy shit happens every time her horn lights up like that.

Proving me right, three chairs slid out. I sat down on the one closest to me. Interested in how ponies sit on chairs that are oddly reminiscent of human ones, I watched them as they sat down. However, right before the magical moment happened, one of the waiter-ponies bumped into me and blocked my view. Apologizing, he shuffled away to serve some of the guards. By the time I looked back, Celestia and Luna had both sat down.


Luna looked over. "What did you say?"

"Ah, nothing. Anyways, is there a menu or something I can look at?"

Luna awkwardly looked at Celestia, but Celestia had no idea either. "Why would there be a menu? Just tell the waiter anything that you'd like, and the cooks will make it for you."

Needless to say, I cried manly tears. Freaking rich people.... Errr, ponies.... don't even need menus. Bad part was that everything would be completely vegetarian. Even when I was having money troubles, I always managed to smuggle some meat into my diet. I'd never had to go without my meat fix, and now that I did, I had no clue about what I should order. Like any ignorant man in my situation, I decided on a salad. I was ready to order, but unsure of how pony etiquette worked, I decided to ask Luna first.

"So, uh, if I'm ready, what should I do?"

"If you're ready to order? Just clap to get a waiter's attention."

"Oh, oka- Wait a second, how the hell do ponies clap?"

"Like this." Luna hit her hooves against each other a few times, making a clapping noise.

"Do that again."

Luna hesitated, obviously confused. She clapped her hooves again, this time a bit slower. How the hell do hard objects make a clapping noise like that? My brain felt like it was about to rupture from the mind rape I had just experienced. I wasn't sure why in a world of polychromatic ponies and magic, I was so bothered by clapping. I decided to just drop it, as logic obviously didn't apply to anything in this place.

Hearing Luna's earlier claps, a unicorn waiter had come by. He looked at Luna, waiting for her order. She ordered some fancy pony crap that I would never be able to pronounce, much less spell out. He turned to Celestia, who opted for a slightly less fancy, but equally hard to pronounce dish. Finally, the waiter asked me what I'd like.

"Uh, salad please."

He raised an eyebrow. "Salad?"

"Yeah. With uh, ranch dressing."

Amused, he scribbled down my order and went back to the kitchen. I was starting to wonder if they really had ranch dressing, as herbivores would have no need for a ranch. Maybe it'd be called farm dressing?

My thoughts were cut short as a guard came over to our table. He had a familiar looking bruise on his neck, which I realized I had made. I awkwardly looked away as he brought a message to the Princesses.

"Princesses! There is somepony who requests to see you both. He says that it is very urgent."

Luna and Celestia gave each other an annoyed look, and stood up. Celestia sighed. "Excuse us Stan, but it appears somepony needs to see us. We will be back shortly."

I nodded and gave them a thumbs up. Realizing they had no idea what that meant, I quickly put my fist away.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't keep him waiting."

Celestia nodded and went off with the guard, Luna in tow. After they exited the room, and I could no longer hear their hoofsteps, there was an odd silence. I realized that all the guards had stopped talking and were looking at me. Looking around, there was no waiters or normal ponies around, just guards. Ooooh. I get it.

The guards stood up, with menacing looks, sharp, glowing horns, and weapons drawn. They formed a circle around me, and a single red guard stepped out. I recognized him as the captain I had knocked out when I first woke up. He circled around my table.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here? Looks like the princesses aren't around to protect you any longer."

I snorted at his horrible attempt at intimidation. "Seriously? If you're trying to be threatening, don't use cliche villain phrases. You sound like a tool."

Making fun of an armed, pissed off guard captain probably wasn't a good idea. Last time I had the element of surprise on my side, and they hadn't drawn their weapons yet, so I managed to win. Now that they have their shit together, I wasn't feeling too sure about the outcome.

The guard captain snarled at me. "Silence, you hairless ape!"

Yet again, I found it hard to keep from laughing. "You know, humans are pretty much hairless apes. Soo, yeah. Not much of an insult. You kinda suck at comebacks. Can we get on with the fighting, or whatever? Princesses are gonna be back soon, and that'll blow your little setup, won't it?"

"As you wish." He nodded at the guards near him, and they slowly came towards me. This was such a cliche situation it was almost funny. Their swords though, were not funny. I had no idea how to properly defend against a pony wielding a sword with magic, as there was no way to block their non-existent arms. Then it hit me. If a wizard uses a wand to cast magic spells, he wouldn't be able to do anything without his wand, right? Maybe if I hit or break their horns, their magic will be disabled.

I stood up, and the first guard charged at me. I decided to test out my theory. His sword went up high, ready to slash down for the kill, and gave me the perfect opportunity. I dashed forward and gave him a roundhouse kick to the base of his horn. A solid whack reverberated throughout the room, and the guard collapsed, screaming in agony. While some of the guard's friend ran to help him out, his sword fell from the sky, the guard's magic no longer holding it up. I stretched my arm out and caught it. Now, I've had no training what-so-ever in swordplay or fencing, so it was surprising that I could even hold the sucker up.

I gave the sword a good swing. "That's depressing. I thought you'd have learned after last time that coming at me one by one isn't a good idea. See what happens?"

The captain was steaming mad. Not only had I found their weak spot, he was being humiliated yet again in front of his subordinates.

"I see that you found a unicorn's weak spot. No worries, I brought something just in case this happens."

He motioned to a guard, who gave him a helmet-looking thing. The captain put it on, and it completely covered his horn and head.

"Not so confident now, are you?" His sword was surrounded by a red glow, and lifted into the air.

"Is it time for the boss fight already? Come at me bro."

Obviously better than the last guard, he didn't give me any opportunities to hit him. All I got were quick, calculated slashes. I somehow managed to dodge each one, but I was being continuously pushed back to the wall. I knew that if I got pressed up against the wall, he'd probably make me into some good ol' fashioned chop suey. As keen as I was to avoid the situation, it still happened. After my latest dodge, my free hand hit the wall. Mr. Douchebag Captain laughed, reveling in the situation.

"What's wrong? You haven't made a single attempt to hit me. Scared, are you?"

"Nah. See, my grandma told me to never make fun of or hit crippled kids, and with your shitty skills, you might as well be crippled."

Grouchy McDouchingson got ready to rearrange my face with his sword, when the door slammed open.

The captain himself was lifted by a blue glow, and the guards moved to reveal Luna.

Luna flew the guard over to her, and stared him in the eyes.

At about twenty times her normal volume, Luna bellowed "WE DEMAND AN EXPLANATION."

The captain struggled to get free, but was still stuck in the magic cloud.

" HATH THOU NO ANSWER? VERY WELL." She seemingly threw him, and he quickly got on his feet. About to run away, he looked up, only to see Celestia.

She frowned at him. "I'll talk to you later." Her horn flashed yellow, and the captain disappeared. The problem gone, Luna galloped over to me.

I put the sword on a nearby table, laughing. "Do you usually talk like that when you're mad?"

Smiling, she shook her head. "Not always. It just slipped through this time. More importantly, are you alright?"

I gave her a thumbs up. "Sure am! I'm a big, violent human, remember? Don't get hurt that easily."

Having just arrived, Celestia chuckled. "I think you've proved that more than once. Anyways, why don't we finish dinner now?"

She looked around the room, and the guards got the message. Everyone returned to their tables, and continued their meals. Several minutes later, the waiter brought us our food. I was very surprised to see that they actually had Ranch dressing, and devoured my salad. It was the best salad I've ever had.