• Published 13th Jun 2012
  • 3,563 Views, 80 Comments

As It Were - Minotaur



Sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll! No, just kidding. It's actually just a HiE.

  • ...
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Meet the Team

I felt something tugging at my blanket. Not wanting to get up from my relaxing slumber, I tugged back. I heard a sigh, and then the whole bed got shaky. Next thing I know, I'm falling through the air. I hit the ground with an unceremonious thump, and heard a similar sound coming from across the room.

Deciding that the ground wasn't a very comfortable place to sleep, I got up. Spike was rubbing his head and grumbling on the other side of the room, so I assume that he was the other one to get dumped from his bed. Twilight Sparkle was impatiently waiting near the door. She wanted to introduce me to her friends, I think. Like I'm her new pet or something.

She shook her head. "You two are so much alike."

"No we're not!" we yelled in unison.

"I'm not even a newt, or purple. Spyro here's got nothing on me."

Spike shot me a venomous look. "He's a bald monkey! I'm a big, tough dragon!"

"Replace 'big, tough dragon' with 'small, wimpy newt' and you'll be right."

Twilight sighed. "Maybe you're too much alike."


"Lord Umbra, somepony is here to see you."

"Can't you see that I'm busy!?" Umbra snapped at the yellow unicorn which walked into his room. He was reading through his spies' reports, and not entirely happy with the results.

The yellow unicorn shrunk back a bit, frightened by the sudden outburst. However, she was used to her Lord Umbra's angry outbursts, and stood up.

"Sir, she says that she has very important news."

Umbra gave his servant a vile look. He wanted to kill her for her inability to stay quiet, but she was useful, for now. He gave up, and allowed her to fetch the pony.

Ash Ghost, the gray pegasus, walked in. Umbra's mood was instantly lifted at the sight of his most promising assassin.

"Ash Ghost. I suppose you have good news for me?"

She shook her head, her flowing, silver mane glinting in the candlelight.

Umbra almost ground his teeth in fury.

He growled at her. "Ash Ghost, you have ten seconds to explain why you failed, and if I don't like the answer, I'll dash your head against the wall."

"Of course, my lord. I waited in Luna's room for her as instructed, but she never came."

Umbra got ready to remove her from existence. "And why would that matter?"

"Something else walked into the room, sir."

Umbra slightly calmed down, his interest piqued. "Something?"

"Yes, sir. It was like nothing I've seen before. It stood on two hooves, and had no fur covering its body."

Umbra's eyes became slits. "Are you trying to tell me that Celestia now has dragons on her side?"

"No, sir. It was no dragon. Its flesh was soft, and it had a mane. It was also skilled at combat, and outsmarted me. Rather than taking the risk of being caught by the guards, I fled the castle."

Umbra was slowly nodding his head. Now that he calmed down, he was surprised that something could beat Ash Ghost. She was one of, if not the, most talented assassins he had. That means that Celestia was gathering powerful allies at her side, and he needed to act fast before she got any more.

"Tell the other assassins to prepare themselves. Teach them all you saw about that thing. I want it dead, but Celestia has undoubtedly hid it. Once I find its location, you will all go and end its miserable existance. You are dismissed."

Ash Ghost nodded, and left her Lord alone. Umbra took a last, fleeting look at his spies' reports before shoving them all off of his desk in a fit of anger.

"I need to speed up my plan."


A shiver went down my spine. Twilight picked up on this, and gave me a strange look.

"Why'd you do that?"

I tried to look mysterious, and gazed out the window.

"My spidey senses tell me that somebody just referred to me as an it."

She obviously didn't believe my story, and I doubt she knows about spiderman either. So either way, I guess that joke didn't work.

"So, when are your friends gonna get here?"

Twilight worriedly looked out her window.

"They should be here soon..."

I wanted to get out of this stupid tree-house, but Twilight forced me to stay. I guess I'm supposed to be laying low for a while, because our last parade through town wasn't exactly stealthy. Hell, for all I know, Umbra could already be on their way here. I'm just such a desirable beast that they have to get their hooves on me.

Something knocked at the door, and Twilight ran to answer it. If there really are assassins out there, she's screwed. Shouldn't we be more careful than this?

She opened the door, and several ponies came in. Judging from Twilight's nervous smile, they weren't assassins. I breathed an internal sigh of relief. My shoulder still itched every now and then where I was cut, and I didn't want more stitches.

The new ponies were gazing at me in wonder. There were five of them in all, all with different colored coats and manes. It was like a rave, except without the music, flashing lights, and ecstasy. When Twilight Sparkle was talking about them coming over, she said "the girls", so I assume they're all female as well. If this were back on Earth, this situation would be fantastic. Sadly, rather than hot raver girls, I'm stuck with magical ponies. Go figure.

One of them seemed really, really excited to see me. She was grinning from ear to ear and slightly hopping up and down. Her whole body was pink, her mane and tail being a slightly darker color than her coat. Her hair oddly reminded me of cotton candy, as it was very fluffy. Her tramp stamp... erm, cutie mark... was three balloons, two being blue and the third yellow.

The pony on her right didn't seem quite as excited as the pink one. She was blue and had wings; a pegasus. Her mane was like a rainbow, all seven colors being present, if you included the blue on her coat. She was giving me a dangerous look, one that spoke of distrust and apprehensiveness. Her cutie mark was a cloud with a multi-colored lightning bolt.

I recognized the yellow pegasus next to Rainbow Head. She was Fluttershy, the kind pegasus that found me in the woods. Strangely enough, she was standing behind her colorful friend, avoiding eye contact with me completely. It confused me, as she treated me so kindly in her house, yet now she didn't even want to look at me.

Frowning, I moved on to the next one. A cowboy hat adorning her head, she looked like a typical country girl. Even her coat was orange, mimicking the shade most Caucasians' skin would become after a day spent in the fields. Furthering the stereotype, she had blonde hair. I can just tell we won't be getting along too nicely. I guess she likes apples, as her cutie mark was three of them.

The last one was an elegant white unicorn whose looks almost screamed of majesty and arrogance. For god's sake, she was even wearing eye shadow and mascara. A polar opposite of the country girl I previously looked at, who probably hasn't even ever heard of makeup. Topping off the royal image, her cutie mark was diamonds. Freaking diamonds.

Rainbow the Pegasus was still giving me the evil eye, and the hyperactive pink pony was still jumping up and down like a maniac. There had been an awkward silence for some time now, as both sides waited for the other to say something.

I finally cracked under the pressure, and gave in.

"He...llo?"

The room then suddenly exploded, or so I thought. All of the ponies ran forward, crowding around me. Some eyes filled with wonder, others filled with suspicion (seriously, that blue one needs to stop that crap). A thousand questions leapt from their mouths like a herd of gazelle escaping from a lion.

However, Fluttershy stood near the back. She wasn't trying to push her way through, and I was still confused. There was a major difference between the way she acted at her house and the way she acted around others. Maybe she's just really introverted?

Twilight Sparkle jumped into the fray and tried to calm everyone down.

"Girls! Girls! Calm down!"

Nobody calmed down, and Twilight gritted her teeth. Her horn lit up, then everything became silent. She silenced everyone with a spell, I think. Twilight herded them away from me, and I felt kinda glad. It was getting kinda awkward.

"Control freak." I mumbled.

"What?"

I nervously laughed. "Oh, nothing!"

After a quick suspicious glance that I believe she copied from Big Blue, Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat. She told the silent audience of my adventures in Canterlot and how I ended up here. Although they couldn't talk for now, they still showed amazed expressions every now and then, especially when Twilight told them about my narrow escapes from death, first with the psycho captain, and then with the assassin.

Having finished telling my story, Twilight undid the magic which blocked her friends' voices. They were careful not to say anything, so that they don't get silenced again. Then, a gasp escaped from the white pony's mouth. She was looking at my ripped shirt, and appeared horrified.

"Your clothes are in a simply barbarous condition! Please, come by my boutique later. I will whip up some dashing clothes for you to wear!"

I was about to say no, but the glint in her eye told me she wouldn't take no for an answer. Too tired to fight, I just gave in.

"Fine."

She almost exploded from glee.

"Somepony that wears so much clothing... So many new designs I can try! There's no time to waste!"

The white pony dashed out the door, leaving me wondering what the hell just happened.

I turned to Twilight. "Is she always like that?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Pretty much."

"So, who are the rest of your friends?"

"The one who just left is Rarity."

The pink bundle of ADHD incarnate raised a hoof. "Oh, oh! Me next! Me next!"

Twilight took a deep breath. "That's Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie Pie. I can certainly see where the "Pinkie" part came from.

Next, she motioned to the antipathetic Rainbow.

"This is Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow Dash flew up and crossed her front legs. "Yeah, and don't you forget it!"

It might just be me, but these pony parents don't seem too creative with their children's names.

Next up was the country girl. "This is Applejack."

Applejack tipped her hat back a bit. "Howdy, friend."

The first thing I thought of when I heard that was the wonderful cereal, Apple Jacks. I don't know if I'll ever be able to take her seriously after this. Every time I see her, images of Jamaican cinnamon and a grumpy apple will be conjured in my head.

"And you've already met Fluttershy."

Fluttershy gave a meek "Hi" before looking back at the ground. She's so shy it's almost cute. Almost.

Now that Twilight introduced me to everyone, I was at a loss for what to do. It was extremely awkward, the tension in the air thick enough to be cut with a butter knife. I decided to try and break the ice somehow.

I smirked, and stroked my non-existant goatee. "Do you girls want to see a magic trick?"

Twilight jumped all over my proposition, with the others following soon after. Readying myself, I put both hands behind my back.

"Abra, cadabra....."

I quickly whipped out my hands in front of me.

"ALAKAZAM! Opposable thumbs!"

One could almost hear the crickets chirping in the background, proof of my failure. However, all is not lost, as Pinkie Pie started cracking up. Whether out of pity or genuine humor, I couldn't tell.

"That was funny!"

As suddenly as her laughter started, it stopped. She seemed deeply troubled by something, and gasped. Much like Rarity before her, she suddenly dashed out the door, leaving me wondering what was going on yet again.

"... Is she always like that?"

Applejack walked over to me and shook her head. "Pinkie don't make much sense to me either, sugarcube. Ah wouldn't think too much about it."

Twilight nodded in agreement. "If you want, we can show you around town now."

Show me around town?

I bit my lip a bit, trying to avoid facepalming. "Aren't I supposed to be laying low here? If I went on a second parade around town, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of being hidden away?"

Twilight's head leaned to the left a bit, confused. "Why?"

These ponies really don't know much in terms of subterfuge and stealth, do they? I hope Celestia knew what she was doing when she sent me here.

"Nevermind. Let's just go."

Twilight didn't question me, for which I was glad. I think she's starting to understand a bit of how I work, as creepy as that sounds.


After about an hour or so, Twilight and company succeeded in showing me around most of Ponyville. It wasn't too large of a town, and yet it wasn't too small either. Kinda like a Goldilocks town.

Whilst showing me around, Twilight explained to me a little bit of Equestrian history and culture. Unlike my expectation, it wasn't very similar to Earth's. That confused me, because of the many similarities I had encountered so far. I guess I just ignored the radical differences.

For example, rather than being able to move by themselves, Pegasi have to move clouds. Pegasi also control weather. Earth ponies are in charge of growing food, and are the only type of pony capable of doing so. Unicorns use their magic to help both of the other types with their jobs. And completing the picture, Alicorns rule over Equestria and keep the ponies safe.

The Alicorns that I know of aren't doing a very good job at that, considering I almost got murdered at their palace. However, considering how these ponies seem innocent and care-free for the most part, it's strange that some group would be planning a coup d'état. What reason is there to rebel? As far as I could see, life would be almost perfect here, and so rebellion seems counter-productive. Seeing as how she's an actual resident and probably knows more about it than me, I settled on asking Twilight about it.

"... and this is Lotus Blossom and Aloe's spa. I don't go very often, but Rarity does."

"Hey, Twilight."

She looked surprised. "What, do you want to go in?"

"No, not that. I was just wondering something, and I thought you might have the answer."

She relaxed. "And what would that be?"

"So, this Umbra organization, why are they trying to overthrow Celestia?"

Maybe I picked the wrong time to ask, as she tensed up a bit. I don't think she really likes to talk about this topic.

"They... They say that Celestia is a tyrant, and that she doesn't deserve the throne. They're trying to make their leader, Umbra, the new king."

Basically, this Umbra guy just wants the throne, huh? Also, he named his evil organization after himself? Seriously? These ponies definitely need to be more creative.

Twilight was looking pretty down at the mention of the subject. Like any gentleman would do, I wanted to cheer her up. After all, I get more food if she's happy.

I patted her on the back. "It's okay Twilight. Haters gonna hate."

As awkward as it sounds, I almost enjoyed the feel of her coat. It wasn't the dry, coarse feel I expected, but rather soft and smooth. The closest comparison I have for it is velvet.

While Twilight appreciated the gesture, she didn't get it. I really need to stop using human sayings here.

Our group moved on from the spa, continuing towards some other god-forsaken building. I kept getting this strange feeling, like someone was following me. Every time I would turn around, however, there was nobody that looked out of place. Sure, all of the ponies were giving me frightened stares and some even hid, but that was normal. This new feeling wasn't.

Because I frequently looked behind my back to catch the perpetrator, I was lagging behind the group a bit. Twilight and the rest turned around a corner, and right before I followed them, I was stopped. A bag suddenly went over my head and I was dragged off to somewhere. I would've screamed, but I stopped myself. I doubt the ponies would've helped. I mean, if a dragon screamed for help while a knight was killing it, I doubt very many people would help the dragon. Same thing here. I might as well keep my dignity.

After several uncomfortable minutes of being dragged along the floor, we came to a halt. The front of the bag was being opened up by a very out of breath pony, and they kept fumbling with the drawstring. Finally, they managed to untie the drawstring and pulled it loose. After several minutes spent in the dark, the light blinded me upon my exit of the bag. I squeezed my eyes closed.

A giggle came from my abductor, who then sniffed at something.

"Smells good!"

That voice sounds oddly familiar...

"Maybe I should eat one just in case?"

It couldn't be...

"No, Pinkie! You baked these treats for your new friend!"

I got abducted by that pink cokehead?

I sat up and forced my eyes open, and beheld a pale horse. No, just kidding. It was actually Pinkie Pie, with a tray full of cupcakes on the table next to her.

"Oh, you're awake now! I thought you were taking a nap, so I didn't want to wake you up, because that'd be mean and I don't want to be mean to my new friend, then I saw the cupcakes and remembered how yummy cupcakes are and.."

"Pinkie."

"That's me!"

I was taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. Just being around Pinkie Pie is enough for a migraine.

"Can you explain to me why you stuffed me in that bag and took me here?"

She giggled. "That's easy! At Twilight's house when you said that joke I thought you were funny, and I like jokes, but then I thought about how I like cupcakes too, and then I thought you might have never had a cupcake before, which would be sad because they're so yummy, and maybe you'd smile if I baked you some..."

"That doesn't- wait, did you say you baked me cupcakes?"

"Yuppie guppie duppie! These are for you!"

She grabbed the tray with her teeth and walked over to me. She dropped the tray on my lap, and grinned from ear to ear. I carefully poked one of the cupcakes, afraid that it might disappear. Convinced they were real, I tore into them like a bulldozer. I haven't had cupcakes in years, not since my grandma was healthy. These cupcakes might have even been better than the ones baked by my grandma, so I almost teared up. Pinkie was hopping around, ecstatic that I liked her treat.

In between mouthfuls, I managed to choke out, "Pinkie Pie, if you weren't a pony, I'd marry you."

She giggled yet again. "Marry me? Like, Mr. And Mrs. Cake?"

Finishing the last of the cupcakes, I took a sad glance at the empty tray. "I guess so. Jesus, that was good."

Now comes the real issue: Twilight has no idea where I am. She's probably panicking right now, searching everywhere for me. This isn't really my fault though, so she shouldn't be angry at me.

I thanked Pinkie yet again for her godly cupcakes, and got ready to leave. Right before I left, however, a container caught my eye. It was a glass jar with a metal top, and it was full of little white cubes; sugarcubes. It reminded me of my grandma, who would always put sugarcubes in her tea rather than normal sugar, for some reason. Pinkie probably caught me staring at the sugarcube jar, as she walked over to the other side of the counter and shoved it at me. In a panic, I quickly caught the jar and gave Pinkie a glare.

She replied to my glare with a smile. "You can have those!"

I was caught off guard by that. "Huh? How come?"

"This is Sugarcube Corner silly, we have lots of sugarcubes!"

In a way, that made sense, so I just nodded and left. Pinkie was definitely on my good side after that cupcake feast she prepared for me. Like they say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Not that I'll be falling in love with any ponies anytime soon, or anything.

Sitting down on a nearby bench, I took one of the sugarcubes out of the jar and just stared at it. I could almost smell the scent of tea wafting through the air, with my grandmother sitting there on her big couch, smiling. She would slowly pick up one of the sugarcubes and drop it in her tea. The cube would hit the bottom of her cup with a clink, some of the tea splashing upwards. Even though my grandma loved it, I didn't like tea very much back then, as it would always scald my tongue.

Suddenly, I remembered about how I was supposed to find Twilight, and I jumped up off of the bench. A light green pony passing by squealed a bit, startled by my sudden movement.

"Oh crap, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."

She looked terrified that I was talking to her, and started shaking a bit. I'm getting seriously sick of these ponies and their scared responses. Then again, maybe I should've foreseen this when I came strutting into town with a hammer. Note to self: ponies don't like hammers.

"Hey, do you like sugarcubes?"

She squeezed her eyes closed and nodded her head, shaking all the while. While she wasn't looking, I walked over and put the jar of sugarcubes in front of her. Then, I quickly escaped, leaving her to discover her gift. I had no use for them, and maybe if I give the ponies presents they will like me! Like Santa Claus, or in my case, Stanta Claus. Okay, maybe not.

Yet again, I caused an uproar as I walked through town. The ponies whispered profusely as I walked by, others ran to hide in their houses, and a small percentage just stared. Same old, same old. However, it seems like it's getting a bit better. Maybe I'm just being optimistic.

I tried to locate Twilight and her group to no avail. I didn't even have a clue on how to get back to the library. Twilight showed me around, sure, but I doubt anyone could memorize every nook and cranny after only one trip around. Besides, I really wasn't paying attention to her tour anyways. I'm not planning on staying here for long, so I don't need to get familiarized. As soon as Celestia figures out how to send me back, I'm as good as gone.

No sooner had that thought crossed my mind than I bumped into a white unicorn with electric blue hair, tripping over her and also knocking her down with me. Her purple glasses flew off, landing on the ground. Her magenta eyes narrowed into a scowl as she stood back up. The glasses glowed a light blue as they flew up and refitted themselves on her face. If only ponies weren't so short, this might not happen so often.

"Watch where you're going, bro! What are you, a foal or something?"

I was in the midst of getting up when I heard "bro". My whole body locked up as my brain tried to process what just happened.

TRUE OR FALSE? She just called me "bro".
☑True
☐False

Holy crap. I don't even know how to react right now. Ponies call each other bro?

"Hey, you alright? You're not lookin' too good."

I fell backwards, landing flat on my butt. My iPod slipped out of my pocket and clattered on the ground. The white unicorn gasped in extreme thrill and snatched it up.

"No way! This is the newest generation iHerd! They only made like 100 of these, where'd you get your hooves on one?!"

Somehow, even though her hoof was much bigger than a finger, she pressed the home button and unlocked my iPod. I don't understand the whole "iHerd" thing. Do they have iPods in Equestria too?

Before I could grab it back, she'd already unwrapped my earbuds off and was listening to my music.

"Yeah buddy! This is what I'm talkin bout! These buds are messed up though."

She took the earbuds off and magic'd them to me, along with the iPod. I checked it and saw that she had been on my Electro House playlist.

"Sweet. Not that many House fans in Ponyville. Hey, we should totally chill sometime, you know? The name's Vinyl Scratch. Friends just call me Vinyl. Whattabout you?"

I cleared my throat a bit. "Stan. Stan Baine."

She nodded her head in approval. "Sick name, bro! Hey, I'll catch you later, alright? Octavia's making sammiches today, and I don't wanna be late. Peace out, Stanbane!"

Grinning like a madman, Vinyl dashed away at the prospect of "Octavia's" sandwich. I was left sitting there on the ground, bewildered. Why would she talk to me if all of the other ponies are so scared? It didn't make any sense to me, but I didn't dislike it. In fact, her personality reminded me a lot of some friends from home. She's definitely likeable, and I'll take her up on that offer to hang out one day. For now, I just have to focus on getting back.

Apparently, somebody really wants me to stay down, as I was tackled to the ground as soon as I stood up. Rainbow Dash stood over me like a fierce gladiator about to kill his opponent. It would suck if she killed me though. For me, at least.

"Where in the hay did you go? We've been lookin' all over for your sorry flank!"

In return to her question, I gave her an awkward smile. "It's a long story, actually."

"Save it for later!"

Before I could ask what she was doing, Rainbow Dash grabbed my shirt with her teeth and extended her wings. The cyan pegasus gave me no time to protest before she lifted off the ground and tried to fly away. Just as I expected, we came tumbling back down merely seconds later, and I fell flat on my face. So far, this day has been full of me falling, and it's not pleasant.

"What in the hay do you eat!? You weigh like, as much as three earth ponies!"

Either she just called me fat, or I'm really way heavier than ponies. Seeing as how I'm not overweight, and I keep knocking over ponies by barely walking into them, it's probably the latter. Which makes sense, in a way.

Trying to avoid the embarrassment of her failed attempt at flight, she jumped back up and into the air.

"Whatever, just follow me! Try and keep up, okay?"

A millisecond after she finished, she disappeared with a whoosh and a rainbow tracing her path. There was no way in hell I could keep up with that, unless I had a jet. Then again, I'm no pilot, so I probably still wouldn't keep up.

Seemingly cursed to wander this town forever, I trudged on. I passed by fruit stalls, buildings, and even more whispering ponies. Obviously, even if I asked them for directions, they wouldn't be much help. Most would probably just run away. Knowing that, I just walked in the general direction Rainbow Dash had gone and hoped I'd make it to the library.

This might take a while.


Celestia strode into the library, her majestic hair flowing off to the side. The unicorns inside stood up and quickly bowed, before sitting back down and continuing to read their obscure books. One of them split off of the group and walked over to Princess Celestia, looking very worried. She was Star Fall, one Celestia's unicorn chancellors, and part of the Royal Magic Consortium. Celestia had given the Royal Magic Consortium the task of finding a way to send Stan back to his home world. Now, she had come to check on their progress.

Judging from Star Fall's face, Celestia knew that something had gone wrong.

"Is there some sort of problem, Star Fall?"

Star Fall readied herself, hating to be the bearer of bad news.

"Well, Princess, we made an astonishing discovery today."

Celestia pretended she didn't realize things weren't going well. "Oh? And what would that be?"

Star Fall pawed at the ground, anxious. "As you requested, we looked into the event which brought Stan here. Using some powerful time magic, we went back four days and saw exactly what happened. He appeared in a massive white explosion above the canopy and came crashing down. While that in itself isn't extraordinary, the explosion was. Our research team attempted to measure the energy sent out from the blast, but we couldn't do it. It was more energy in one spot than we have ever encountered before. In fact, I'm sure if we went there today, there would still be remnants of the energy laying about."

Although Celestia has heard many strange things over the years, this topped the list. Never before has anypony traveled in such a way, leaving such destruction in their wake. After she had teleported him away, Celestia had gone to Stan's landing site, and seen the damage first-hoof. Many trees had been knocked over, the grass burnt away, and a crater in the middle of it all. Indeed, she had detected the leftover energy Star Fall described, and it had been strong. This just served to confirm her suspicions.

"So then, have you found a way to send him back?"

Star Fall frowned, and shook her head. "Princess, I fear that that may be impossible. If we need the same amount of energy to send him back, none of us could do it, not even you or Princess Luna. Also, we still haven't found exactly where he first came from. I'm sorry, but we're working as hard as we can."

Princess Celestia was expecting something like this, but it still stung. She had promised Stan a way home, and she fully intended to do it. The Royal Magic Consortium was skilled, but it didn't have very many members. As such, their progress was slow. As much as she wanted to, she wasn't able to give Star Fall and her colleagues the extra help they needed with Umbra limiting her moves. Before she can send Stan home, she has to beat Umbra.

Walking to her room, she realized Stan deserves to know about this predicament. Although he probably wouldn't like it, he still needed to know.

So Celestia wrote a letter to Twilight Sparkle, instructing her to bring Stan to Canterlot.


"I SWEAR I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! SERIOUSLY! STOOOP!"

The pony lynch mob didn't falter a single bit, completely ignoring my protests. As such, I continued to run for my dear life. However, I remembered my lesson on pony speed from the castle, and I tried to go through as many obstacles as possible. Although jumping over carts, hopping wooden fences, and going through alleys slightly slowed the earth ponies and unicorns, the pegasi weren't bound to the earth and easily kept up. Every now and then, one would fly down and attempt to swing at me, so I'd be forced to dodge. I knew that if I hit them back, things would only escalate.

This whole situation had come about because of a stupid little kid pony. He or she (I really couldn't tell at the time) had come up to me. I crouched down and asked the little guy where his parents were, when some idiotic pony accused me of trying to eat her. Everyone flipped out and came at me, obviously for some payback. I had two choices, 1) Stay there and get the crap beaten out of me, or 2) Run and make myself look even more guilty. Guess which choice I made?

My stamina was seriously starting to fail on me. The constant parkour and looking around for incoming blows wasn't easy to keep up while running a marathon. This is the first time I'm thankful I joined the marines. Their training from hell served me well in this screwed up place. Day after day, my life has been on the line. It's not exactly fun.

We've been outside of the town for some time now, and some of the ponies aren't chasing me any more. I guess they aren't used to chasing after big two-legged monsters, as they just collapsed on the road. However, their sacrifice only fueled the others' desire to catch me, and they were running even faster. I hopped yet another fence, running into a bunch of apple trees. Not literally, of course, as that would have been a horrible way to get caught. Instead, I ran around them and prayed the ponies couldn't keep up. The trees slightly helped against the pegasi, who had to be more careful as to not fly into a branch. Other than that, they didn't do much.

Up ahead I spotted a giant red barn. I madly dashed towards it, hoping that I could take cover inside until the ponies calmed down. Right before I got there, I spotted something running towards me from it. The ponies had set a trap for me! However, it was too late for me to change directions, so I just ran on towards it. After all, one pony wouldn't be able to stop me.

Upon getting I bit closer, the pony running at me was revealed to be Applejack. She looked confused and angry at the same time, probably because I brought a horde with me. Thankfully, rather than stopping me, she ran past me and faced my attackers. As she was now my best bet for survival, I hid behind her.

"Now what in the hay are y'all doing?"

They stopped and voiced their outrage to Applejack, describing how I had viciously snatched away a filly and attempted to eat her. After they were done, Applejack turned to me and gave me a concerned look. I quickly explained to her the truth, and she nodded.

"Now, are y'all sure this isn't a big misunderstanding? Was anypony actually harmed?"

The crowd thought about it for a second, before uncomfortably realizing that Applejack might be right. They all agreed that it was a misunderstanding and left. Obviously, Applejack held some influence over them. As to why, I have no idea.

"That was way too close. Thanks, Applejack."

She turned around to me and gave me a harsher look than I expected.

"Hold the thanks, sugarcube. I'm taking you to Twi, and she ain't too happy about you leaving during our tour."

Against my will, she grabbed onto my shirt and dragged my to my fate. Yet again, I'm in trouble because of a misunderstanding. This pattern just keeps on repeating over and over again, doesn't it?

I looked around for a method of escape, but found none. Seeing as how Twilight would bust my chops if Applejack really took me back, I was extremely unwilling to go. An idea formulated in my head, however, when we passed by the apple trees. If Applejack owned so many apple trees, she probably sells the apples, right? So, if someone were to steal her apples...

"Oh no! Applejack!"

While gripping my shirt with her teeth, she still managed to talk, somehow.

"What?"

I squinted off into the distance. "Someone is stealing your apples! Quick! Go get them!"

She sighed. "Ah can tell you're lying."

Hey now, even if that wasn't my best acting, I still considered it pretty good! That someone like this country girl could see through my lie, even if it was simple, surprised me. I took it as a sign that I won't be able to escape, and ceased my struggle. Hopefully Twilight won't refuse to feed me, or something.