• Published 12th Jun 2012
  • 12,807 Views, 314 Comments

Harmless Shenanigans(?) With Princess Luna - Bigwig6666

After some pressure from her sister, Princess Luna decides to join up for a dating website in order to meet a nice pony and settle down. Who she finds, however, has more in common with her than you would think.

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Five - So I Said To Her: 'Well Clearly, Your Toothbrush Is Bigger'

Lulu couldn't be happier at the minute. A best friend, living in Equestria, and a chance to play some music with said best friend. She couldn't help but feel something else for the princess. Something... different. She shook her head and cleared those thoughts, not wishing for any more on the matter as of yet.

Luna on the other hoof, was happiest she'd been in millennia. Even happier than helping the first ponies discover fire, against her sister's wish no less. And yet... and yet there was something else. The princess's eyes wandered to her human friend and slowed down a bit, her eyes tracing the human body with interest. "I wonder..." she thought.

Lulu looked back and saw Luna watching her. "What?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Where are you going?" Luna asked as she stopped in front of the rec room.

"Oh, right. Didn't know we've hit it," Lulu said sheepishly and watched as Luna pushed the doors open. She flexed her hand where she had accidentally touched Luna. That worried her a tad. "Not sure why though," she thought with a frown on her face.

Luna pushed the doors open and walked back into the rec room. "Rec, or wreck?" Lulu asked as she stepped over one of the bottles.

The princess groaned. "Ohhhh, Tia's going to kill me if I don't get this cleaned up soon."

"Hang on." Lulu said, confused. "Won't the servants just do it?" She thought for a moment. "Wow that sounds douchey."

Luna nodded. "Yes, but to keep up the image that I'm a good little princess," she growled, "I better do my share and at least pick the bottles up." she said gloomily.

"Well then let me help-" Lulu began and picked up a bottle.

"Absolutely not! You are a guest, both to myself, and to Equestria. And I certiantly won't have you picking up my rubbish," Luna snapped. Then smiled. "I appreciate the offer though."

Lulu was about to say something in protest, when a large rumbling rang throughout the room.

Luna raised an eyebrow and looked at where the noise had come from; Lulu's belly. "Hungry?" she chuckled.

"Heh, I suppose I am quite peckish," Lulu replied and blushed.

Luna pointed to the door, "C'mon, I'll take you to get something to eat."

"No, no, it's alright. I'll go get something myself." Lulu smiled and hurriedly moved in front of the pony.

Luna pouted and stomped her hoof. "No. I shall go."

"That pout's adorable, but it's not going to work on me," Lulu giggled and put her hands on her hips. "I'm going. You stay." she sternly told the pony.

Luna's nostrils flared and her wings rose. Lulu could almost hear the gears turning in her head as she cringed a bit, awaiting whatever the princess was going to do.

"Alright, fine. If you wish," Luna sighed and gave in, while trying to use her tail to scratch her cutie mark

Lulu saw this and watched her flank wiggle. Her eyebrows raised in a silent grin. "Alright, see you in a bit," she said and slipped out the door.

Luna sighed as she watched her friend leave.

"What is this I feel?" she murmured. "Gah. I need a drink. Drinking is best for any situation," she used her magic to grasp one of the (very few now) full liquor bottles and poured herself a glass. "Ugh. What is this?" she said to herself as the taste hit her tongue. She looked at the bottle. "Rose Of Sharon Cassidy? Never heard of it. But it's great," she slurred and poured another glass.

"Wait a minute," she said before drinking the next shot. "She called me adorable... meh. Probably nothing," she murmured and drank again, smacking her lips together.


Lulu walked the way Luna had shown her to the kitchens. Or tried to. She ended up at some stairs going upwards. "Gah. I don't remember," she murmured and slapped her forehead. "Stupid, stupid, stu-"

"Something the matter dear?" a regal voice asked from behind her.

She could tell the owner of the voice was smiling. "Hi Celestia." she said and turned around slowly.

Celestia was indeed smiling. "Problem finding the kitchen?" she asked in a slightly smug voice.

Lulu blushed. "A bit, perhaps," she chuckled nervously.

"Would you like me to show you the way?" Celestia laughed and extended a wing around the human girl.

"Sure. Please, I mean. If it's not too much trouble." Lulu smiled.

"Not at all. This way." Celestia guided her back the way she'd come. "So how do you like it here? Has Luna been a gracious host?"

Lulu nodded "Of course. She's been wonderful. She showed me around the castle for a while,"

Celestia smiled. A proud and wonderful smile that made the human remember so much of her parents.

"That is the smile of God," thought Lulu and hugged Celestia, bringing the princess to a sudden and awkward moment of confusion.

"Oh!" Lulu cried and jumped back, releasing the princess. "I'm sorry, I just really, really wanted to hug you then."

Celestia laughed and hugged Lulu back, leaving her stunned and with a few tears forming. "It's alright. Here." she said and stepped away from the human girl and pushed the door to the rec room open a tad. "We're h-"

"You're back!" Luna's voice slurred.

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Oh what now?" she muttered and pushed the door open fully.

Lulu stared at the sight before her: instead of picking up after herself, the Princess of the Night had decided to drink away her worries. Literally. There was a bottle on the bar with a note attached to it reading: ''Worries''.

"Well c'mon in then, you too Tia," Luna slurred.

Celestia trotted up to her sister and grabbed her muzzle. "How much have you had to drink?" she scolded like a mother warning her daughter about the dangers of drinking.

"About fmmph or fiff" Luna slurred again, her eyes blinking unevenly.

Lulu stifled a giggle as Luna gave a very noticeable wink to her.

Celestia released her sister's jaw and sat down next to her. "I'd better stay and make sure she doesn't do anything... Luna-ish," she explained as Lulu tilted her head questioningly. "So I can prevent what happened last time she got like this."

"What did she do?" Lulu asked and sat down on the other side of Luna, who was spinning merrily in her seat.

"Oh... got completely hammered and kissed all the stallions in the guard barracks." Celestia scowled at her sister, who grinned and took another drink.

"Really?" Lulu chuckled in surprise. "Way to go Luna."

"Hrrrm. But indubitably, there were questions. Lots. Of Questions," the white princess grunted.

"Hey... thur's an exshellent drink here.... I call it Rose... hello Rose, how are you today?" she giggled a the bottle and started taking large gulps from it, slipping slowly towards Lulu. "Hi." she giggled as she leant against Lulu.

"Hi." Lulu said back, trying to be polite and at the same time hold her breath. The pony's breath reeked of alcohol.

"You'll do something you regret, you know." Celestia warned and poured a glass of water.

Lulu stared at her, stunned. "Where did you get the water from?" she asked.

"Under the counter. I always leave a bottle for when Luna gets like... this." She waved a hoof at the dark blue pony.

"Hey! There's a great little place I know where we can pick up a few guys and get some more beer," Luna giggled and stumbled towards the door.

Celestia extended a wing and turned her around. "Oh no you don't. You're not leaving this room for anything. Toilets are that way." She pointed through a large red door.

Lulu nodded. "Oh. That's good then," she smiled. "I was wondering if we'd have to use a bucket or something."

Celestia smiled back and removed her wing as Luna stumbled around the bar and lay under the tap. "Turn it on for me would you?" she asked Lulu and batted her eyelashes.

Lulu glanced at Celestia, who sipped her water and watched her sister carefully. "I think you've had enough princess." she said slowly.

Celestia nodded. "Mhm."

"Aw, you guys are no fun. Girls. Whatever," the drunk princess grumbled, a few of her words blending together in the slur Lulu called ''English''. "Have you two ever noticed how hawt Discord is?" she slurred. "Tia you know 'bout him 'n 'is... thing, don't you?"

Celestia facehoofed. Audibly. "Luna," she warned. "You're blabbing again."

Luna waved a hoof and sat up and looked at her sister. "But he is!" she protested. "Especially that cute little bit of hair on his chin. Whassit called?" she asked and scratched her chin and drummed her hooves on the bar.

Lulu looked from princess to princess. "Um... bea-"

"Beard that's it! Thanksh Lulu." Luna giggled and draped a hoof around the human, bringing them terribly close. "Hey, wanna hear a secret?" she whispered in the human's ear.

Lulu looked around wildly at Celestia, who was watching them closely and mouthed: "It's alright."

The human nodded and looked down into Luna's eyes. That's terrifying. she thought as they blinked at different intervals, a touch psychotically might I add.

Luna grabbed Lulu's head, turning it on it's side and rose her head slightly to her ear. "Celestia's boring," she whispered, then fell back giggling her head off, resting on Lulu's lap.

Lulu chuckled nervously and looked at Celestia, relieved to see a small smile on the larger sister's face. "And she's normal again. Sort of," she chuckled. "Alright, I'm leaving her in your care, Lulu of Earth. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid."

Lulu saluted. "Will do, princess."

"Here'sh an idea... let'sh put the radio on."

Lulu sighed and got up. She walked around the bar and flicked the switch for the neat little radio amongst the bottles.

Luna nodded her head as the song came on. "Ugh. Nightwish. Turn it off." she mumbled and put her hooves around her head.

"I thought you liked them?" Lulu asked.

"Pfft. I did when I was in them. Now they're alright. Bad memories though."

Lulu sighed and turned the channel over.

"Ahh! Tia's too heavy! Turn it over!" Luna cried and clutched at her ears.

Lulu laughed. "It's not too heavy, you wuss." "The pony equivalent of Týr I reckon, by the sound of it," she thought and bopped her head along to it for a few seconds.

"It is when you've drank as much as me," Luna whined. "Change it."

Lulu sighed again. At least she's sobering up a bit.

"Oh this..." Luna sighed and melted into the chair, the music washing over her.

"What's this?" Lulu asked and listened to the song, not recognizing it.

"It's Dino, you silly filly!"

Lulu looked at her with a blank expression.

The princess rolled her eyes. "Dino? Dean Maretin? The famous gryphon? Best looking gryphon ever?"

"Never heard of him. He sounds a a lot like Dean Martin though," Lulu said as she recognized the song. "Yeah I know Dino. He's a great singer on Earth."

"Hurry back, hurry back, hurry back..." Luna sang and took another swig of beer from ''Rose''.

"Oh poor Dino," Lulu chuckled. "What's that drink anyway?" she asked, eyeing the drink which Luna adored so much.

"It's called... Rose... Sh'r'n C'ss'dy," she slurred.

Lulu sighed and took the bottle from her magical grasp. "Rose Of Sharon Cassidy." she confirmed.

"Ah was close," Luna giggled. "C'mon have a glass. It's great," she insisted and poured a glass, with Lulu's assistance.

Lulu held the drink to her nose and sniffed.

Luna licked her lips as she saw the human's nose scrunch up with the smell and the first taste of the drink on her tongue. "'S great isn't it?"

Lulu smacked her lips and let her tongue hang out like a dog panting. "Ohhhh, yes it is, Luna. Yes it is," she giggled and poured another drink, the two of them singing along to Dino on the radio.


After a few more drinks, they began giggling and falling into a drunken stupor. I have translated their drunken slurs into English for your benefit.

"Alright, alright, your turn," Lulu chuckled and sloshed the drink in her hand around.

Luna raised a hoof. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." she giggled and brought the hoof down, as if making a point. "So one time, an assistant of mine at the time - this was, oh... about two thousand years ago or something, so I've forgotten her name. I think it was pretty. And she asks to have a word with me privately. I nod and say of course..."

The awkward mare approached Luna cautiously.

"Um... princess? C-could I speak with you? P-p-privately?" she asked.

"Of course, dear. Come this way," Luna replied and led her to the night princess's office. "Sit down, please. Would you like any tea?"

"No thanks." the mare asked and looked around. "It's a lovely office you have here." she murmured.

"Thank you. Now what did you want to talk about?" the princess asked and sipped her tea casually.

The mare scratched her head awkwardly. "It's um... bedroom troubles," she muttered and averted her eyes from the princess.

Luna got up and closed the door quietly. "Go on," she said and sat back down, closer to the mare, and listened eagerly.

"Well." the mare cleared her throat. "I have a problem: whenever I... you know... his member... I don't choke. But when I use my toothbrush, I gag a little. Could you please explain why?"

Lulu roared with laughter at the princess's story. "And what did you 'advise' her?" she asked while trying to hold her sides together.

Luna placed a hoof over her mouth and ''shhhhed'', then took another drink. "So I said to her: well, clearly, your toothbrush is bigger."

The girls roared and howled with laughter, slapping their knees and the bar counter. Eventually, Lulu fell off her seat, and made the two of them roar with even more laughter.

The human staggered to her feet and collapsed on the stool, still clutching her sides with laughter. "Oh god, I can't breathe! Make it stop!" she howled, her vision blinded by tears of laughter.

"Tee hee. Your turn," Luna giggled and took another drink, finishing her current glass and immediately pouring another one.

"Alright. Let me think for a minute."

The game they had been playing consisted mainly of drinking after a funny story they had to share. No matter how personal or private. So far Luna was winning. They think. After the third bottle of Rose they kind of lost count.

"Aha! Got one!" Lulu cried triumphantly.

Luna tucked herself in closer, a grin still on her face as she listened to Lulu's story.

"It was waaaaaay back in middle school, when a ''friend'' came round and we had a test of sorts..."

Lulu glanced across at her friend. Perhaps ''friend'' was too strong a word. More like ''mortal-enemy-but-this-will-do''.

"C'mon then, Loopy, pour the thing in," her frienemy said irritatedly.

"You know, it would go a lot faster if you helped." Lulu scowled.

"Hmmph. I wouldn't dare," the partner snorted and turned away, flicking through some of Lulu's magazines about the usual adolescent girl stuff. "Ugh. All you read is this tasteless garbage. Got anything juicy?" the girl, who we'll call Gabby for the sake of having a name, asked.

"What do you mean 'juicy'?" Lulu asked curiously, yet a bit cautiously.

Gabby rolled her eyes. "Oh come off it Loopy! You mean your big sister's boyfriend doesn't have any of... those stashed here?"

Lulu scowled. "My name is not Loopy. And no. She doesn't. Not that I know what you're talking about anyway." she muttered and turned her head away.

Gabby stormed up to Lulu and grabbed her hand. "C'mon. Let's go find out." She grinned menacingly.

Lulu struggled to release her grasp. "Let go," she pleaded.

"Not until we find what I'm looking for. C'mon, Loopy. Unless you're chicken." Gabby grinned.

Lulu flared up and shook Gabby's hand free. "I am not a chicken. And my name is not Loopy," she growled as loudly as she dared.

Gabby tutted. "Alright, fine Loo... Loo. Let's go raid your sister's secret stash." she grinned.

Lulu showed her where Celeste's room was.

"Alright. I know what I'm looking for, so you stay here and keep a look out," Gabby commanded.

Lulu nodded, wondering if she'd finally have a friend after this.

About five minutes later, Gabby came back out of the room clutching a magazine. "Got it, let's go."

The pair of thirteen year olds giggled with glee as they fled back to Lulu's room. "So what did you get?" she asked and peered at the cover of the magazine.

A semi naked woman sat on what appeared to be a bed made of roses.

"You'll see." Gabby grinned seductively and flicked through the magazine. "Here. Let's try this one." she said and pointed at a picture of two girls kissing.

"What do you mean try?" Lulu asked.

"Oh come on, Lulu! Are you so thick in the ears that you've never kissed someone before?" Gabby asked, quite exasperated at Lulu's ineptitude.

Lulu blushed. "Well... no. Boys are icky anyway." she giggled.

"Exactly. So we do it ourselves." Gabby grinned and moved closer to Lulu, who shuffled awkwardly on the spot.

"What do you-"

She was cut off as Gabby pressed her lips up to Lulu's and ran her tongue around her teeth.

The door swung open and Celeste saw the two girls kissing. She grinned manically and motioned for them to continue. "Don't mind me girls, I'm just looking for my boyfriend's magazine. I see you two have it," she giggled and scooped up the dirty mag.

Gabby turned scarlet and fled from the house. She was never seen by our heroine again, bless her.

Lulu turned bright red around the ears and her face burned with shame. "Go away," she told her big sister.

Celeste grinned and closed the door quietly.

"And she's never let me forget it since." Lulu finished bitterly.

Luna's jaw hung open slightly, a mixture of surprise and drunkenness in her facial expression and leaned forward a touch.

Lulu looked at her blearily and felt something press against her lips.

Then it left as quickly as it came and she felt sleep take her.


Luna looked stunned as she pulled her face away from Lulu's. "Did I just..." she thought and shook her head, immediately facehoofing and rubbing her temples.

"Ohhh, stupid Luna. Don't shake you're head when you're drunk," she muttered to herself and looked at the now sleeping Lulu. "Aww," she said and brushed her mane away from her eyes and stifled a laugh, as a large bit of drool hung from her lower lip.

"Goodnight, Lulu," she whispered and lay her own head down on the bench, and drifted off to sleep