.:BronyPower:.
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722676 you fool, when you right a clop fic between fillys and/or colts, then rip of "your antagonist" after school special series and put the joke disclaimer in, you could of given people a small chuckle
wait, a minute, you actually did rip of your antagonist, DAMIT!!!!!! which is funny, i read that fic not 5 mintues ago.
this seems more like you ripped off the sweete belle and pipsqueak clopfic, and replaced the names, and made slight changes.
The story's are great but there's many grammarcal errors, but since your 12 I completely understand that you've yet to go through proper English courses. If its ok with I can proofread and correct this and your upcoming chapters and story's (if any)
meh, not that well written, maybe your first fic shouldn't of been a clop fic
Pretty bad honestly, you were right, you do rush to much, a good fic cant be done in 1 hour, hell, its taken my fic about 4 hours so far and i'm only doing 1000 word chapters with 7 chapters so far.
724545
Hell, a good fic can't be done in a day.
I'm not seeing it here mate, sorry.
724788 Distrance, difference between a good 10,000 word fic and a good 500,000 word fic (god I love shorts skirts and explosions)
Obviously, if you write it in one session, yes it will take probably 6 hours to write something like a good 15K word fic, thing is, after writing that long your writing will downgrade towards the end of your story, and that is the opposite of what you want.
724796
I agree.
724800
And honestly, for a new writer, you should be writing in around 1-2K word chapters, any less and your work will not be descriptive enough, any more and as said before, your writing will get worse near the end of the chapters. However, no writer should be writing more then 10K words in one session.
She/he is 12 and she/he just wrote a clopfic. I am going to go vomit now
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/My_520cfa_267202.jpg
Thanks for the criticism, I do appreciate it. A good fic can't be written in an hour. Especially being that this is no where close to my best work. Honestly.. In the end I dissapointed myself. Anyway thanks
724545 I completely get you. 1. I did NOT rip of it. Antagonist is an amazing and talented writer but really no one owns CMC clops. And there wasn't a joke. went I said Pipsqueak -wink wink- I was referring to how Rarity is sometimes viewed as a whore. And I made Sweetie Belle sound as one also. And was it well written? No it was completely freestyle that I wrote in an hour without proofreading due to time. I can write better things but this was my first time relating anything to FiM. Beings to that I can predict that now I am finished my school testing I will be able to write things amazingly better. Beings that time wont be such an hassle. When I make an enhanced version in this I'd prefer you read it. Thanks for telling me my cons and what I need to improve.
Sincerely,
.:BronyPower:.
725033
My Mental age is about 17. I know more then the average 10th grader.
725555 fair point, I'm 11 and I know all this stuff so I guess I can't talk...
724526 I have to agree with you.
A few mistakes, but I can't be bothered to tell you about the missing ' " " 's and say should be another word, that is all the elp you get cause your new and you need to start auto-correcting in your head,
ALSO, welcome to the heard and this site, I hope your writting blooms.
brohoof /)*(\ nicely done as was said above only a few minor errors
725555
*pats on back* my boy, your mind is still 12, everyone thinks they are more mature then the average 10th grader at 12. Yeah, some are less prone to enegetic fits of randomness. But you are still 12, and from experience, I was the exact way, thought I was more mature then a 17 year old. hehehehe
Also, heres the problem, you only put 1 hour of work into this, if you put maybe 4 hours in to your first work, you get something that will honestly improve your writing from the comments. And not even fixing up the gigantic grammar mistakes isn't going to improve your writing when people point them out.
Problem is, people rarely actually have useful advice in the comments section, its always either MOAR!!!, a pissed of grammar nazi or YOUR FIC FUCKING SUCKS U@*(E&(*$&#@(*$&@(*&$(
for an example, look at the fic I released about 1 week ago, I told people, hey its my first work can you please give useful advice, and I put work into fixing mistakes and everything, they come through and i get about 8 MOARS and one guy who I think was saying it was bad then posted a gigantic random sketch of two soldiers. (dafuq?)
727296
Aha. But Im being serious. I take 8 th grade classes in 6th grade. And honestly. Yur fic is good. I see whatchu mean.
727296 When I was 12, I had an IQ above the average high school student, I simply lacked wordly experience. I do agree, however, on everything else, and there are simply more readers here than people who could and would actually help a young writer.
728232
I also like to mention on my fic, I have never written EVER before then, aside from school shit, but that always is a half assed effort of a forced story. It was my first actually attempt to write anything from scratch. Thing is, I didn't just go "oh its my first work, it likely wont be very popular or good so Ill just piss around for 1 hour and get a half readable crap out. I thought "If I'm gonna get ridiculed for something I made thats terrible, Im gonna go out in style".
You need to understand that your first story will probably not be great, and you need to understand that its not an excuse to make a low effort and rush it. A piece of crap simply becomes a far worse piece of crap. Honestly tho, when people actually said my fic was GOOD, i almost shat myself. I honestly expected maybe 20 dislikes and 2 likes, I honestly thought people would go "this must be a trollfic right?"
"Se was confused about one part, but this was her instincts acting at thier best."
demotivationalposters.org/image/demotivational-poster/0911/epic-facepalm-demotivational-poster-1258354986.jpg
It seemed rushedencrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRdwEDaTdA79hWw8U-5vC4AF4kugev7pPxPKa0t2qAX1g9jVhOPyw
724517 encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRb9UMiXeDx_iojElz3svW3qSr8JQyPY3QOpgrRDHkDit-xSrC2
728967 After ten minutes of staring i got it the little facepalms make one giant captain Picard facepalm
729812
It took you ten minutes? Please refer to previous picture XD
Taking after your sister eh sweetie?
724537
*grunt sigh*, Over 10 billion years old and I still encounter foolish kids who think they are smart,cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/15822321.jpg
729946 DAMIT I FUCKED UP MAH COMMENT AND SAID THE OPPOSITE
well for a first time your pretty okay i liked it er well as a story anyway
You gotta get your stories pre-read by a friend or something. But otherwise, i cant wait to read the next chapter!
"We got a Pipsqueak to fuck!"
I lol'd so hard
pinkie rating: 2 Looks ok
I came here searching for foalcon. I stayed because I had to see how this ended, and despite the overwhelming amount of technical issues, this was cute. Now, I do believe you asked for some critiques... *cracks knuckles* I've got a couple.
First things first, let me say that for a twelve year old and for your first fic, this was pretty good, you've definitely got the potential to grow and write top-shelf erotica, but the devil is in the details, and sadly the detail was all but present in this story. It's one thing to say the inside of her mouth felt amazing, but when you add to it by describing the warm wetness that is the inside of her mouth, the tantalizing, hypnotic, eye-rolling lip biting motions of her tongue, then your sex scene starts getting better and more enjoyable. Just remember the intrigue is all in your description.
Now the only other real problem is character analysis/ execution. You've got to be able to give your characters more personality than being genitalia with speech capabilities. I.e. Sweetie Belle would be more manipulative, Scootaloo would be more headstrong and abrasive and Applebloom would do it just to prove her maturity, capability and growth. You ought to do character studies by watching the episodes and observing speech, habits, and personality.
One more thing, you need a bit of experience with sex before you can start writing and expressing it properly, and forgive me, but I don't believe 12 year olds get laid quite frequently. You should hold off on writing erotica or clop until you have partaken in tihs, or at least defer to more experienced folks in this field to elaborate for you.
All in all like I said, it was cute, and I enjoyed this, though I couldn't clop to it. Do research, get experience, and I'll look forward to your next clop-fic.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist.
Yay! I'm not the only 12 year old brony that goes on fimfiction!
728244Same here. I currently finished grade 6, and I'm going to a high school for my gifted program.
"I've seen better." the only thing to describe this story.
The grammar.... IT HURTS
no offense
but at 1st glace, it's bad cause of the bad grammar
text speak does not go well in stories