The Other Alicorn

by The Corn

The final straw.

When the meeting was finally over I headed for the door, but the three fillies stopped me in my tracks, completely blocking my path.

"Where are you going?" Sweetie Belle cried. "We've only just finished our meeting, and now that you're now a cutie mark crusader, you can join us preparing for the sisterhooves social!"

I'd only just moved to Ponyville, I had no idea what a 'sisterhooves social' was, even if there was one back in Manehatten, I'd never heard of it, now I was expected to prepare for one with these three fillies that I'd only just met!

"Um, what's a sisterhooves social?" I asked, nervously. The three fillies gasped.

"Babs never told ya bout' the sisterhooves social?!" Apple Bloom cried.

"N-no?" I stammered.

"You sure about that?" Said the orange pony. Funny how I'd been there for what seemed like forever, and yet I still failed to remember her name. But I suppose that doesn't really matter, and neither did it right then. Nopony knows my name either... Yet.

Where was I? Ahh, yes, the orange pony said;

"You sure about that?" Apple Bloom shot her a dirty look.

"What?!" The orange pony shot back. Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, then she looked back at me.

"Never mind her, the sisterhooves social is when sisters get together to compete in games and have fun! Ah'm competing with Applejack, Sweetie Belle here is competing with her sister , Rarity, an Scootaloo is competing with... Wait, who are ya competing with?" Everyone turned to the orange pony, finally, I knew her name! Scootaloo! Scootaloo looked up and smiled smugly.

"Oh, nopony... Only the most awesome pony in the whole of Equestria!" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked at each other.

"Fluttershy?" Sweetie Belle questioned.

"No!" Cried Scootaloo.

"Pinkie Pie?" Asked Apple Bloom.

"No, she's the best flyer in Ponyville." Scootaloo hinted.

"Twilight Sparkle?" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both said together.

"No, no ,no ,no ,no!" Scootaloo shouted.

I used this opportunity to leave. They were all so caught up trying to figure out who this awesome pony was that they didn't even notice that I was gone!

On the way home I bumped into the pink pony from my class, quite literally, I almost knocked her flying!

"Hay, watch it!" She whined before looking up to see who I was. Her friend sneered.

" Well, won't you look at that?! It's that wanna-be new kid!" The pink pony laughed at this remark before joining in for herself.

"Why you running so fast, newbie?! You just can't wait to get away from those cutie mark cry-babies, can you?!" She glanced over at her friend before continuing, "I'm just glad that I've got my cutie mark! I'd hate to know that I wasn't special, it must be sooo embarrassing!"

I didn't know what to do. Part of what she was saying was true, I don't have my cutie mark, but it doesn't mean I'm not special! I couldn't let her get away with this, I had to do something! But what? I did the first thing I could think of, say something.

"Well, I'm more special then the likes of YOU! It's not everypony that gets to be an alicorn!" I would have carried on, but the pink pony interrupted me.

"And that's another thing! Not only are you a blank flank, but an alicorn too? It must be really hard for you, drawing attention to yourself, well, with being an alicorn and all, and yet, not having any special talents to show off. That's REALLY unfortunate!"

I didn't know what to say to that. Was she trying to wind me up, or was she actually feeling sorry for me? I just didn't know anymore. So I just told the truth.

"Actually, I quite like being an alicorn, it means that everypony likes me. Everypony loves an alicorn."

"You really believe that?!" The pink pony snapped, " I'll tell you what everypony likes, a PRINCESS, not some princess wanna-be that has clearly had some kind of magic spell put on her to make her an alicorn! Nopony likes a show off, NOPONY!"

So that's what they think of me, I thought. That I'm just some fake. I'm not really an alicorn and that I'm desperate to be a princess. That I had a spell put on me to give me a horn and wings. That I'm just some unwanted wanna-be with no special talents. But none of that's true, I'm not a fake, I've always been an alicorn, I'm not desperate to be a princess, and I've never even been near a magic spell! Although, it's true I don't have a cutie mark, so maybe it's true that I'm unwanted, maybe all the ponies in Ponyville only care for ponies WITH a cutie mark! But, they do seem to care for alicorns, so maybe if I could prove that I'm not a fake, then ponies would love me, like I thought they would.

"I am a real alicorn." I proclaimed. The pink pony and her friend just looked at each other.

"Prove it!"
"How?" I asked. The pink pony stopped in thought.

"Well, I have an idea, but it's probably too babyish for you!" I was determined to prove myself.

"Name it!" I cried.

Author's Note:

Hi, I haven't had time to check for any mistakes today, so if I have please let me know, (sorry, I know I'm being lazy, but I know how much people love to not pick.) I hope you enjoyed this chapter. How do you think she will prove herself? I'd love to here what you think, so, comment! (Please).

Comments

[A British Gentleman]

I will address the elephant in the room first: alicorn OC's are very rarely well received. They are synonymous with poorly thought out wish forfilment self inserts; ninety nine percent of stories featuring them are of low quality. Your own OC is a mixed bag thus far: on the one hand, she isn't showing any signs of being overpowered and edgy, on the other, she appears rather entitled; her status has given her an unwarranted sense of superiority. It's not a good thing when I find myself agreeing with Diamond Tiara!

This needs addressing. An alicorn OC faces an uphill battle at the best of times; one who considers herself inherently superior based on her alicorn status is going to alienate readers in short order. Remember: if people don't like your protagonist, they won't like your fic. The fact is, you must ask yourself: does this character need to be an alicorn. I would say not. An earth pony can have just the same adventures with the CMC, and won't raise any of these issues.

That said, there is another real issue with this character: we don't know anything about her, up to and including her name! This goes back to likeability of the protagonist. All we know about her thus far: she's a white alicorn with a silver mane, she is from Manehatten, she knew Babs Seed and she believes everypony should like her because she's an alicorn. That's not nearly enough to win any reader to her side; entitled brats are not likeable. That's not nearly enough to carry a story.

Remember: in canon, there are only four alicorns; any more is contrary to canon at this time. If you must insist on having another, you must have a better justification for why she is an alicorn than "Because I'm the author and I want my OC to be a special snowflake." At present, she has just appeared out of the woodwork with no rhyme or reason for her existence. Again, you'll have a much easier time writing a normal pony.

Finally, to the mechanics of the story. The grammar and spelling are ok; I don't have many real complaints there. The prose is a little simplistic, but it's not too bad. The pace, on the other hand, is a problem; this girl has gotten to Ponyville, gotten to school, met the CMC, had two run ins with Diamond Tiara and joined the CMC and we're not yet two thousand words in. Slow down. Set the scene. Let us get to know your character (at least a bloody name!). Give each chapter at least a thousand words. At least. All those things I listed? They each need at least one chapter.

To conclude: first, don't make your OC an alicorn; it's more trouble than it's worth. Second, slow down. Finally, I recommend you read around the site extensively before you write more. Begin with the writers guide, then check out the top all time list, to see stories that work. To see what doesn't, check out groups like Rage Reviews, Plan 9 from Equestria or the Badfic Bin. You'll soon see why people are gun shy about alicorn OC's! I wish you look with your future writing.

[TheSnarkKnight30]

Your oc is a little boring. She doesn't have much of a personality other than being nice. Most alicorn ocs are seen as mary sues. In order to make a good oc you must make them different from all the other ocs. You're trying too hard to make us feel sorry for her even though we know nothing about her. So far it seems like your oc is an angsty alicorn who is bullied because they're jealous because she's better than everypony else.

[deadpansnarker]

6506036 It's not a great sign when your comment has more positive votes than the main story... Or, just votes in general.

[Nopony Home]

6506036

Remember: if people don't like your protagonist, they won't like your fic.

The protagonist doesn't have to be likable, they do have to be engaging. And this one isn't…

[A British Gentleman]

6507250

The protagonist doesn't have to be likable, they do have to be engaging.

Indeed. There are several great works of literature where the protagonist, even in first person, is a truly wretched and despicable creature, most famously Humbert Humbert from Lolita. A more contemporary example would be Light from Death Note.

Writing such a protagonist whilst keeping your audience engaged with your story is rather advanced writing. Doing so with an alicorn OC? That's a hard ask indeed. As the author of this piece appears highly inexperienced, I was of the opinion that presenting the simpler option would be most prudent.

[Nopony Home]

6507689

I understand but that cuts off a lot of options for a writer. I'd rather see inexperienced writers try hard to write characters that they care about then to artificially limit themselves to concepts that may not interest them. It's ok to stretch past your skill and fail, I'd just hope that they'd learn from it.

[A British Gentleman]

6507731

A good point, well made

[The Corn]

6506036 Thank you for your comments and honesty. I have taken into account everything that you have to say and have spent a long time thinking about what I can do to make this a better story. However, I would like to say a few things:

I know that having an OC being an alicorn with no cutie mark is going to a very difficult character to work with, but I'll try my hardest to make this work. I made Dimond Tiara empathise the point that this is extreme because I wanted make it clear to readers that I understand this is going to be a challenge.

I know that in canon there are only four alicorns, however, my reason for choosing an alicorn protagonist is because, if I'm right, there was an alicorn in the background of one of the mlp shows, and it wasn't one of the princesses, I know that this was most likely just a mistake, but it got me thinking, what if there were other alicorns? This is why I decided to write my first fanfic about an alicorn, just because it's something I have an interest in myself and I thought it would make a good idea for a story.

I know that my story so far is very vague, but it's only the beginning. I'm hoping that in my next chapter you shall be able to find out more about my protagonist, including her name. I shall also try my best to slow the pace of the story because I understand that it's going very fast.

I hope that I can manage to turn my character around and make her more likeable.

Thanks again, The Corn.