The Other Alicorn

by The Corn

The Hospital

At first, I couldn't tell what was going on. I was laid in a hospital bed with the rest of the cutie mark crusaders staring back at me.

"She's awake! She's awake!" Cried Sweetie Belle.

"Oh thank goodness!" Apple Bloom chimed. "Ya were really worrying us! Ya kept saying things like 'Princess' and 'alicorn', you were even shouting 'Babs Seed'!"

"Oh." I sighed.

Then I looked around a little more. Yep, it was defiantly a hospital, no doubts about that. The beds, the curtains, the window, the lights; there was nothing in here to suggest that this wasn't a hospital, but how did I get here? I had to know!

"How did I even manage to get into hospital anyway? I can't remember a thing!"

The three of them looked at each other. Scootaloo sighed and began to clear her throat.

"A'hem. Well... Strangely enough it was actually Diamond Tiara who brought you here. We must have been so caught up arguing that we didn't even realise that you had gone. So in the end I just gave up and told them that it was the same pony I went to the sisterhooves social with last year, because they both know I went with Rainbow Dash, and she is the most awesome pony ever!" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle glared at her. "Yeah, right. Well, when these two finally figured out who I was going with, we turned to you to ask who you were going with."

Sweetie Belle joined in.

"But you were GONE!"

Then Apple Bloom spoke up.

"We looked everywhere for ya, we really did! But it was too late, ya see, Dimond Tiara came over. We all knew that this was NOT the right time, but she seemed to know EXACTLY what was going on, it was like she was psychic!"

Sweetie Belle stuck her nose in the air and started to do a weird voice, which I'm guessing was supposed to be Diamond Tiara.

"Looking for your little alicorn BABY friend?! Well, too bad! I asked her to prove to me that she was really an alicorn, but she couldn't even do a simple task. All I asked was for her to use her magic to transport her to the top of a building and then fly back down again, easy! But then she got all panicky like 'Oh no, I'm not a REAL alicorn, I'm just a fake, I can't do this! I'm going to fail!' And then she just fell on the floor, clearly pretending to faint, but Silver Spoon just INSISTED that we took her to hospital!"

Sweetie Belle stopped, it was clear that she had only just realised that we were all staring at her. Her face went as red as a tomato.

"Well... Um... I think she said something like that."

Then it went really quiet, you could hear a pin drop. It was awkward, somepony had to say something, luckily, somepony did, Apple Bloom.

"Yeah, well, we hope that y'all okay, we're sorry for arguing like that, we really are, maybe if we hadn't of been arguing in the first place, ya wouldn't have felt the need to go running off like that, then you wouldn't have bumped into Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and you wouldn't have felt pressured to do their stupid task, and..."

She looked at the others for support.

"I think what Apple Bloom is trying to say is that we're sorry." Said Scootaloo, putting her head down.

"It's okay." I told them. "Really."

Then a nurse walked in.

"Visiting time is over girls. Let her get some rest, she should be able to come home in the morning."

The three smiled and walked out. I waved a hoof at them as they went.

So, the pink pony's called Diamond Tiara, huh? Well, I wonder how she'll feel without her diamond tiara. There's nothing like sweet, sweet revenge!

Author's Note:

I'm hoping that this chapter may have given away a little more about her personality. I know that the last chapter gave you an insight into her past, but I want to show the different sides to her personality. I'm hoping that in the next chapter you'll get to see her more sinister side. I don't know what you'll think about this chapter, especially the end. I hope that you'll like it, it's not exactly the usual kind of ending I would have.

Comments

[BudCharles]

Wow those votes are a bit harsh. I know how you must be feeling right now but please don't be put off writing. I personally could not get into this story because the main character was too bland.

It had NOTHING to do with them being an alicorn, in fact a story about an unknown alicorn or a filly being born as an alicorn would be really cool! The thing that put me off was that the main character just didn't have character. I want to know stuff like how smart is she, what does she do for fun, is there anything she's particularly good or bad at, stuff like that.

If you introduce that at the start of the story, people will be engaged, they'll know this character like a friend and want to see what happens to them. If you can do that, and do it well, then you can get people to like an alicorn OC.

Honestly I actually clicked the story BECAUSE it had an alicorn OC, I was glad someone was brave enough to do it, but I would recommend you try writing stories for some existing characters first to get the hang of characterization, and then try again with an alicorn OC once you're really confident.

Also, ask yourself this, "if this character was a regular pony in a regular episode, but still had the same personality, would they be fun to watch?" If the answer is yes, go ahead and write. If it's no, then work on the character more. Remember a good character has flaws and quirks, think about Twilight's stress attacks and adorkable behavior, Trixie's showing off to cover her own insecurities, Scootaloo's dream that due to her disability she can never achieve - you need a character like that. Someone interesting, someone you want to know more about.

Please, please don't give up on writing just because 11 Diamond Tiaras in the audience disliked this. Keep trying. Maybe one day you can show this fandom how cool alicorn OCs really are, if I don't get there first, hehe :P

[The Corn]

6511363 thank you sooo much! I wouldn't give up, I'm not that kind of person, but I must admit, this has been a lot harder than I thought, I knew it would be a challenge, and I knew it would be tough, but the amount of criticism I've got has been painful. I never knew it would be so hard trying to get this just perfect for the readers. They really are my top priority.

I'll try to make my character more engaging, but that is unfortunately something that I find rather difficult.

I wish you luck with any stories that you may write, and if they have an alicorn OC then even better!

Thank you so much, it really means a lot, The Corn.

[BudCharles]

6511395 Thanks for the watch :3 Good to hear you're not giving up, just keep trying. Every writer has some kind of weakness, for me I think it's pacing, every story it ends up all over the place for me XD If you keep practicing though things will get better, that's what I plan to do as well :3

[The Corn]

6511430 you are most welcome. Thanks for your watch too, it's actually my first one.
The Corn

[i_am_the_jam]

I'll give it an up vote if DT and SS get some SERIOUS punishment...

[The Corn]

6511753 okay, that sounds fair, a heads up, the next chapter is about REVENGE!